Husband considering becoming catholic

[twolittleboysonetiredmum]

Hi
I’m not sure why I’m posting really - advice possibly and just to get it out. Slightly long explanation too, sorry.
My husband and I are both teachers in catholic primary schools and have been for 10 years approx. We have been supportive and embracing towards the faith but have not identified as catholics/Christians.
I was christened a catholic as a baby - my fathers family are very devout catholics. My parents separated when I was 2 and my mum is a fervent atheist who discouraged much involvement with my dads side at all and faith ever.
I have never given much thought to my own faith - I neither believe or disbelieve in god currently.
My husband, as part of his professional development, has been attending a catholic course which should you so wish, at the end, you can choose to convert/become a catholic and go through the necessary events to do so. He has come home today and said he thinks he would like to do that.
I’m feeling a bit - conflicted - is the only word I can think of. I believe it is entirely up to him as they are his beliefs and it is his faith. However, it will mean our marriage needs to be blessed. (Not sure I’m on board with that) and obviously he would need to attend church on a Sunday. Without sounding pathetic, we always go for walks/days out on a Sunday as a family as Saturdays are dominated by swimming lessons etc. I really don’t want to lose that but recognise that’s not a reason not to follow your beliefs. I just feel like it’s only going to have a negative impact on us and am worried about it I guess. But don’t want him to feel he can’t do what he needs to either.

I think he must do what he wants on this occasion and you agree. And most catholic churches these days give the option of going to what they call a Saturday evening Vigil mass which fulfills the Sunday obligation. As for the marriage needing to be blessed. If you don't agree to this then this shouldn't prevent him becoming a Catholic AFAIK.

That’s interesting re Sat vigil thanks.
No - he can still convert but apparently it would be ‘tricky’ if we didn’t and father would have to speak to someone else to ‘see what could be done’
That cheesed me off a bit. It’s nothing to do with the church, in my eyes.

Was going to say there are loads of mass times sat evening is good one as well . As for marriage getting bless well if don't want to do then don't.
But what about if you have kids what religion would they be?

I wonder why you think this is only going to have a negative impact on your marriage? Is it just that he will attend mass? Or do you envisage him changing in some way?

We have 3 kids - all little at the moment.
I don’t know about their religion. I don’t know about mine really. I’ve not given it any head space and don’t feel like I can at this point (Kids under 5 and a full time teaching job - I’ve none left!)
Perhaps in a few years I could investigate it and see if I wanted to engage more with the faith.
I think I’ve a lot of hang ups about it from the limited and negative experiences I had as a child. I worry that ours will experience the same and I don’t want to do that to them.
It all sounds ridiculous really doesn’t it but all I remember from the catholic faith as a child is on the rare visits to my dad being forced to sit through mass and being bored out of mind. And the bind to church and it’s community being all encompassing and restrictive. Maybe it isn’t like that but that’s the only personal experience I have to draw on other than what I see from work now.

Missyb- I think I am worried he’ll change. Or it’ll change us somehow or the dynamic in our family. What if the kids all become catholic and I’m left out? What if it’s just him who stays that way and he therefore becomes more distance from us?
Like I say - it could all be massive over reacting on my part but I just don’t know how it could all work I guess

Yes, the thing which will be hardest for you is that he will have to attend Mass every Saturday evening or Sunday. (Even when you are on holiday). This is one of the hardest life style changes for the family of someone becoming a Catholic.
Equally for him, he will want to be at Mass, and his week won't seem quite right without it. Have a look at your local Mass times, there will probably be 2-3 options locally (unless you are really rural). He does not need t attend at the same time every week though.

I don't know much about the blessing of marriage. Can you see it as a renewal of your marriage vows?

He will change, maybe he has changed already. We all change over the years.
You will change in all sorts of ways too.

I can see why you worry about this change though. It is a valid worry.

(That's not a helpful comment, sorry. I don't have answers )

I think you're over thinking the whole issue.

This is something that is important to your husband. Support him and see what happens.

He's not going to change who he is, or his commitment to the family, he's just developing his spirituality.

Maybe he will change in positive ways? We all change through different times in our lives, it’s not always negative. Talk to him about your worries.

Isittheholidaysyet you are totally right - he probably already has ‘changed’ and I definitely have over the years. I know it’s daft to worry about our free time when contemplating the spiritual but our work/life balance is so precarious that I treasure our free time. A sat evening would be better. Maybe I would resent the time he would need to commit each week and I don’t want that either. It’s a big bundle of what ifs I think. I worry about converting too as what if it’s just not to be left behind by him? Or the kids. That’s not reason enough but it would sway me.
The marriage thing - it’s bigger than a renewal and he recognises I can’t easily say yes to it. It’s effectively the church legitimising our registry office marriage and right now, I don’t want or need their ‘approval’ of it. I don’t think the marriage announcement was well timed as it’s got my back up a bit. Whereas the thought of him converting previously didn’t.

I googled and tried to get an answer to this marriage blessing business. But it does seem a bit vague as to the 'rules'. But it would be more difficult if either of you had been married before and divorced. But if neither of you have I don't see why you should need a blessing or any kind of dispensation. But I'm not in charge. Hope things work out.

I "converted" (not the proper word for it but I can't remember what is!) over 20 years ago. As you obviously know, Catholicism requires some maintenance. There is Mass, Confession/Reconciliation , days of Holy Obligation etc, but there are levels. Some people do more than others. And there can be a really deep sense of community, of support and friendship as well as the spiritual benefits.
If he feels a pull towards the church, then opposing it can only cause conflict. If you support him as much as you can and talk to him about your fears then you may find it improves your relationship rather than harming it.

Just to be aware, it is not a uncommon thing for the partner of someone converting to Christianity to be resentful of the time the partner gives to 'God'. Or to be jealous of 'God' or the 'church' for taking time from the family.
They are normal feelings, you are not unusual in that.

Personally, I think that if this is what your husband feels he needs to do, it will make him a better person, and will work out for good for your family. (Disclaimer: I am a Catholic, I would say that!)

On the otherhand, If you don't support* him, what will that do to your relationship?

(*the 'support' may simply be to not stop him doing it, rather any actual encouragement)

The complicated part of the marriage is me - as I am technically catholic, if he becomes one then he would need our marriage blessed as we are both catholics. If I wasn’t, then it wouldn’t be an issue.
I definitely will support him either way and will not Stop him. I recognise that this would be a terrible thing o do so no worries on that front. And I do feel very ‘me me me’ about my response. I guess as he will devote time to god and I won’t. And have to attend church and observe different things. We are very lucky in that we are quite involved with the community anyway through work (and our chn attend the school/nursery) so we kind of get the community perks without the religious commitment right now!

Have you asked him why he feels the need to? Discussed it with him? Is he being pressurised into it by the course and by his work? Would discussing why it's all a load of nonsense before he's been totally sucked in make him think about it in a less indoctrinal way? Would pointing out the misogynistic nature of it give him pause and an insight into your feelings?

Why would the course, or the school pressurise him?

He's an adult, who has made a decision for himself, which must be respected.

I understand op how you feel about the marriage situation. If you search 'Rite of Christian Initiation of Adult and marriage', there are some interesting articles about this issue.

It seems there are other options, so you can support him, without feeling pressurised into anything yourself.

Personally I do not think that a person's religion should trump all else. You didn't marry a Catholic and therefore shouldn't have to give up what you value on order to accommodate him changing wjat you signed up to.
So for me, I would be unwilling to agree to church every Sunday if it impacted on family life - I would expect him to attend in the week, to fit his new commitments around our existing life. I also wouldn't agree to getting a marriage blessed if I strongly felt it would be endorsing something I didn't want to overtly support. I would also insist that the children are allowed to develop their own opinions - no forced church attendance for example.

I am technically Catholic, although in reality, atheist and I strongly feel that while you have to respect a person's right to choose their own beliefs, you don't actually have to prioritise the beliefs themselves, if you don't share them. We have gotten to a place where we think faith trumps all else and you don't have to buy into that if he converts. You have the right to the life you signed up to.

"Why would the course, or the school pressurise him?"

Why do you think he was sent on the course in the first place?

It's not only children that can be indoctrinated. Maybe it has been "suggested" that he would have a better chance of advancement at his school if he were to convert. It's certainly not beyond the scope of the religious to play this kind of card...

If he's doing the RCIA course isn't he going to Mass weekly anyway?

Op. Was dh sent on the course by the school, or did he choose to go?

Sorry for late replies - he was sent on the course as part of an RE target - it’s fairly common as it’s a way to develop your knowledge of the faith on top of the CCRS.
He’s not interested in advancing in his career and his boss is aware of that. So there’s no career value in it at all.
We do need to somehow have a proper chat about what he believes. I also think that he should finish the course when it ends (Apr) and not commit to anything for a while. I think he should take some space and - like you say - check he’s not being swayed by being immersed in it. Our lives are very dominated by the catholic faith because of our jobs and sometimes it’s easy to see yourself converting as you almost pretend to be catholic anyway. But the pretence is obviously very very different to the reality.

And the course wasn’t a choice - it was the lesser of two evils! The other to fulfil the same target would’ve eaten up way more time and energy.

I think it's fair enough if people teach in a catholic school that they should know something about the faith. Same thing if somebody taught in an Islamic school they should know something about Islam. I don't think it is indoctrination only common sense. Of course nobody should be pressurised to convert and OP's DH isn't being.

My kids go to a Catholic school and while not all the DC there are Catholic they all have to engage with the rituals and IMO (as an atheist), it IS quite indoctrinating.

Good idea for him to finish the course and then have a 'cooling off period' to think about whether he really wants to convert, plus the impact it will have on the whole family. It is his decision, of course, but when church every week and blessing your marriage is part of it and you have 3 DC and a life that is full already he has to take all that into account. He can't just put this new thing first and everyone and everything else has to shift down the list of priorities. That's not fair on anyone.