Husband considering becoming catholic

[twolittleboysonetiredmum]

Hi
I’m not sure why I’m posting really - advice possibly and just to get it out. Slightly long explanation too, sorry.
My husband and I are both teachers in catholic primary schools and have been for 10 years approx. We have been supportive and embracing towards the faith but have not identified as catholics/Christians.
I was christened a catholic as a baby - my fathers family are very devout catholics. My parents separated when I was 2 and my mum is a fervent atheist who discouraged much involvement with my dads side at all and faith ever.
I have never given much thought to my own faith - I neither believe or disbelieve in god currently.
My husband, as part of his professional development, has been attending a catholic course which should you so wish, at the end, you can choose to convert/become a catholic and go through the necessary events to do so. He has come home today and said he thinks he would like to do that.
I’m feeling a bit - conflicted - is the only word I can think of. I believe it is entirely up to him as they are his beliefs and it is his faith. However, it will mean our marriage needs to be blessed. (Not sure I’m on board with that) and obviously he would need to attend church on a Sunday. Without sounding pathetic, we always go for walks/days out on a Sunday as a family as Saturdays are dominated by swimming lessons etc. I really don’t want to lose that but recognise that’s not a reason not to follow your beliefs. I just feel like it’s only going to have a negative impact on us and am worried about it I guess. But don’t want him to feel he can’t do what he needs to either.

Let him finish the course, and then get him to read the bible cover to cover. That's one of the best ways to turn people into atheists!

I sympathize OP, as I have had some similar issues with dh. He's in a job where he works away a lot, so I often have periods when I feel he should prioritise Sundays for family, rather than spend the morning at church. Unfortunately, he sees the DC lack of interest as my doing (when in fact they're at the age at which they have questioned religion, and find the church process boring). I find this difficult, so it would be worth having that conversation about how much he expects his newfound religion to be integrated into family life. If he expects you to respect his beliefs, he should also be prepared to respect yours, and to me, this means his religion should impact me and the DC as little as possible,
if he expects me not to interfere with his beliefs. It seems a bit selfish to change things and put new religious beliefs above his existing family, if this is what he will expect to do.
As for the marriage needing to be blessed? That would put my back up too, as it's basically saying Catholicism is more important than any previous ceremony, which is rather offensive if you don't believe in it.

It's not the law he goes to church on Sunday, there's Vigil services on Saturday night, or late services on a Sunday around 6/7pm so it's not going to mess up your weekend.

The blessing won't necessarily impact you at all, I think the problem is people have this pre Vatican II view of Catholicism, so they think oh it's church every Sunday, it's no contraception etc.

I don't think it's going to impact you as much as you think it will. Imagine if it was something you wanted to do, ideally you would like to think he's supporting your decision. Marriage is about compromise.

If you have any questions / distinct worries, please share them and you can get responses from several Catholics/Christians, so you'll see how different the faith is for each of us.

I wouldn't worry about Sundays being ruined - he can go to 6pm mass on Saturday and he'll be in and out in under an hour. BTW it's not pathetic to want to keep Sunday's fun - it's why the vigil masses are so hugely popular!

However I would discuss with him why he really wishes to convert, and maybe suggest a cooling-off period instead of converting at the end of the course. When adults suddenly make the decision to change religion they are often looking for something - usually something harmless like a sense of community or purpose etc, so it might be worth exploring whether he feels anything is missing from his life at present?

If he's doing the CCRS cert then that's not the gateway to becoming Catholic. He'd have to wait till Autumn to do another course that wouldn't see him received until Easter Vigil 2019. If he's on that course already, then he will have discussed with the Priest why he wants to be Catholic etc. So it'd make sense him being received Easter Vigil 2018.

But the CCRS if that's what he's doing just introduces nine Catholics to the religion. Maybe he's thought I really want this in my life,

The way a Priest would explain it is that he's been touched by the Holy Spirit and it's stirred something inside him.

Even though you work in a Catholic school, you seem to have misgivings about the faith, that it'll impact your life, you'll end up with 10 children and so on. That really isn't the case. At a blessing the Priest would say you're open to having children, those children ideally will be baptised Catholic.

It's seldom at church you see families with more than 2/3 children. So you're not going to be turned into a baby making factory.

What worries you about this?

I became a Catholic as an adult, my faith means so much to me. The story of how I became a Christian is unorthodox, I've resisted anti Catholic sentiment for 12 years if not more.

The funny thing is, even in modern day Britain, it still seems taboo to consider the Catholic faith. Where realistically if he was CofE it'd be pretty much the same.

I do worry about everyone telling you it won't mess up your Sunday - it'll mess up your Saturday evening instead

It won't really mess up Saturday evening - it's just an hour from 6pm to 7pm, so in between afternoon and evening stuff.

I remember Sundays before the vigil mass came in in Ireland. Believe me, getting mass out of the way before Saturday teatime made Sunday so much better.

I mean, obviously the OPs husband probably doesn't feel that way since he is not being dragged in by his mum.

He did the CCRS a few years ago -he is doing the course that people do to convert and should convert at Easter vigil this year should he choose to.
My misgivings aren’t based on assumptions of the faith - I work with and am surrounded by ‘modern’ catholics for want of a better word. I also think the current pope has a very healthy attitude towards Catholicism and how that fits into modern society.
My misgivings are more that it is very ‘other’ to start to consider the presence of religion in my direct family life. I have embedded negative feelings towards faith in general because of my childhood which I recognise won’t necessarily come true but are still there nonetheless. I worry that there will be an expectation there for me to become more involved and I don’t know now if that is what I want. Or what I want for our children. And I think all these things should be clearer before commitments are made by my husband.
I definitely think a cooling off period should happen. There is no rush (in my mind) and if he feels the same way in a years time then he could consider it again then. I don’t know how he will feel about that as had no chance to discuss it yet.
And I think i am worried that it’s not the right path for him too - personally I know how swayed I can feel when involved in the ritual towards the more spiritual and he is more involved with it than ever currently with the course etc.

I would rather lose an hour on a Saturday than the morning of a Sunday - on a more practical note!

Even if he plans on going to the Saturday service, he's going to be out of the house for longer than an hour, at prime dinner prep time. If I were you I would make sure he's aware that it should be give and take from the start. His new activity shouldn't inconvenience you for his sole benefit - maybe he could make dinner on Sunday and give you a few DC free hours?

Surely if he's feeling the pull to join a church he's feeling the need to drag himself of to church?
My logic has it he starts attending regularly before feeling the urge to commit to joining?

I certainly don't think you can or should stop him. Even the Sunday services can be quite early 9.30 - 10.30 to avoid interfering too much with your day.

But one thing that does need discussing if he wants to join, does he want to raise your children in the faith?

Rather more important, you need to find out what he thinks is missing from his life that he's trying to fill it with some superstitious nonsense.

Well if you're worried that he's got rather too caught up in all this, then the cooling off period is essential. If he is really serious, then converting will still be an option in a year's time.

As for you and your DC, I think you have to make it crystal clear right now that if he converts that's his choice, but that he should not expect you or your DC to be any more involved in religion after his conversion than you are now. This is HIS decision and nothing to do with the rest of the family. If religion is suddenly very important to him, then fine, but he should not expect the rest of the family to make any changes at all to their beliefs or lifestyle. As for your marriage being blessed, if that's something you absolutely do not want then tell him that it's off the table. There is no reason why you should have to go along with this mumbo-jumbo simply because he believes he's 'found God'.

One more thing - re: the whole Sunday morning in church - I would challenge him to find a way (if he does decide to convert), that means his faith has as minimal as possible affect on everyone else. So if that means going to a vigil on Sat evening rather than every Sunday morning being a right-off, so be it. The onus is on him to fit his religion around the life you already have, not to impose a new schedule on everyone else that suits no one but him.

Perhaps a bit of give and take from both sides is needed here?
My husband has taken up tennis since we have married. I didn't tell him he couldn't do it because he wasn't doing it when we first met. Similar to my friend who has got involved in the local amateur dramatics society. People's activities aren't set in stone and fossilised when they marry, things change and if you love each other you support each other and grow.

It's not very nice to call someone's faith mumbo-jumbo by the way.

I think it feels very much like he isn’t giving at all tho. And developing faith is very different to choosing a hobby I’d say.
I’m not expecting him not to continue on this path. I just think he needs to slow down and maybe think about where the rest of us fit in to it. We’ve had a few chats the last few days and he doesn’t think we need to discuss the kids and what will happen with them in the future. He feels it’s very much a personal thing (I agree) and therefore if he chooses to do it that he doesn’t need to consider anything else (I disagree with this). I don’t see how he can be an active member of the church without it having any impact on our lives. (I don’t mean in terms of Sundays more in general). I think it’ll be an ongoing discussion for a while.

It's not very nice to call someone's faith mumbo-jumbo by the way.

Maybe not, but we have rules about free speech in this country (thank goodness!), and if I want to call belief in something that I consider to be nonsense 'mumbo-jumbo', then I can. As someone else up-thread called it superstitious nonsense I'm hardly the only one. You can believe what you like, and I can call it nonsense.

Of course it’s up to him, but what you do is a matter for you.
However, this idea that Sunday Mass is an absolute must really is a blast from the past. You will still hear some old fashioned priests and members of the congregation asserting this, but in most parishes, which attendance at Mass is usual most Sundays I think you’ll find that that rigidity no longer obtains.
As for you saying that you are a Catholic because you were baptised a Catholic, that’s a nonsense. People who are Catholic are those who want to be, freely and happily. There’s no must about it.

And as for getting your marriage blessed the fact that you are not a Catholic even though your father was and you were baptised as a baby, it’s not at all necessary.

I’m wondering what the priest in the husband’s parish is like. There is almost as wide a range of practice in the RC church as elsewhere.

The church’s teaching is that the sacrament of marriage is administered by the man and woman to each other. If you entered into that marriage in good faith then you are properly married.

I was church of Scotland when I married my Catholic husband in a RC chapel and was blessed, I then converted via the RCIA (Roman Catholic Initiation of Adults) into our chapel and had my first communion on Easter Sunday 2009.

Not the most observant but I do respect fully the people's beliefs and our chapel is small but dedicated and self sufficient - also handy as our priest is also chaplain to our school so two birds one stone.

For non Catholics you can go for a blessing- we make the sign of St Andrews (arms over chest) in Scotland and the priest knows to bless etc.

Not sure elsewhere but up here for you to work in a Catholic school you must be Catholic and provide baptism papers at point of interview.

Best thing to do is go speak to a Deacon or priest at the archdiocese and ask questions about what's needed - info is power and they will keep you right.

Hubby tried to stop me because he thought people would see him pushing me into it - I did it to help ease our kids into a good community of people and when they are older they can decide on their own faith etc.

Good luck.

Yeah but a fresh convert would probably want to go every Sunday. It can be a very comforting ritual and feel very communal. I imagine he'd want to have that reinforcement every week.

OP you know there are Masses very early Sunday morning? There's possibly even an 8am one. And there's certainly a 9am one, they're everywhere. I used to go to 12.30. You had a decent lazy morning and then go to Mass in the no man's land between morning and lunchtime. Out at 1.15, home by 1.30, lunch, bish bash bosh.

There is an obligation on catholic parents to raise their children as Catholics. The language around this issue has softened but to the best of my knowledge the obligation remains. I’ve only heard this discussed in the context of mixed faith marriages.
I think this is a point you might want to discuss , or that your DH might want to clarify.

For non Catholics you can go for a blessing- we make the sign of St Andrews (arms over chest) in Scotland and the priest knows to bless etc.
Why should op have to do anything? It's her dh's interest, not hers. If he wants to be supported in his new religion, he equally should respect her decision not to be religious.

Annwithnoe I am fairly sure there is an obligation. He thinks not.
You don’t need to be catholic in England to work in a catholic school. They prefer you to take the catholic teaching certificate whilst working for them but you aren’t obliged to. I go for a blessing when i attend mass with my clsss/school weekly.
I have no problem with the catholic faith and am not a non-believer. I’m just nothing right now and have no mental space to commit to thinking about it either. I’m wondering whether I should have a chat with the priest - he’s a regular at my school so I know him fairly well anyway.
I think DH would want to attend on a Sunday - it is viewed as the ‘important’ mass still in our parish. It’s not particularly forward thinking snd also short on priests so only 1 mass a day - eg mid morn Sunday or sat vigil would be his choice

I'm just wondering if something has been ignited in him that perhaps was missing from his life before.

I know you like to do things at the weekend, but we're only talking an hour of his time. If getting to Mass was really important, say you go away for the weekend, he could find other churches to attend.

I'm worried he'll think that you're mothering him or not supporting his views, if for example you say do you think you're rushing into this. Especially if it is something he is really focussed on.

Speaking to the Priest night cause tension, as he would perhaps wonder why you feel the need for him to wait. Why did you speak to the Priest, what did you hope to achieve from it?

Is he generally really impulsive and likes to start lots of new things which get left half finished. That to me would be a reason to be concerned, if you think it might be a bit of a fad.

I think you need an open discussion where perhaps you listen over talking to much. Ask him questions like:

What got him interested?
Why does he want to be a Catholic?
Why does he want to be received ASAP?
Is it a life long commitment?
Would he want to be an active member of the community?
Would he need to go to Mass every Sunday? (What if you're away)
Does he know how it's going to affect your relationship?
Will he want to start a family ASAP?
Will he want the blessing to be like another wedding?

You might have more that come to mind. I think finding out the above might help you.