The Muslim Tearoom

[HardlyEverHoovers]

Salaams/peace to all! I'm already missing our old thread, so taking the bull by the horns and opening our very own Muslim Tearoom, all welcome (non-Muslims too of course), to chat, share, ask questions etc etc. Imagine a cosy cafe with floor cushions, tea and coffee of all kinds, and lovely cakes! Please join me!

I think I have posted up before.

I have an immense amount of respect for this Imam mashallah.

Good evening ladies,

Just wanted to say I have really enjoyed reading the chat as always today and hope you are all having a lovely Sunday xxx

Me and DH are inshallah going to go to Umrah next year all going well. Does anybody have any recommendations for guides/books that we can read up on before we go? There are a few guides online but can't seem to find any books?? Thanks

Forgot to say crescentmoon praying in a changing room is genius!!

Still on the topic of DV, my own sister suffered in her previous marriage. The marriage lasted all of 6 months. What was sad was one of our own relatives (a lady) as hurt as they were for my sister's plight, were still telling my mum that my sister shouldnt get a divorce as it will not please Allah. I was so happy when my mum turned and said to the relative that if you still think like that about DV in this day and age, then perhaps you need to read up a bit more about our faith! Go mum go!

I am so glad fuzzy that you no longer have to put up with the abuse. It sounds to me like you have peace in your life at last after all that turmoil. May Allah bless you with much much happiness.

I am so glad that my sister did not put up with it either, though it was a horrendous time for her to go through the whole marriage breakdown so soon after she married. The day she eventually told us, she never went back to him again. She was still more than considerate to him as she never involved the police - that would have finished his career forever. We are fortunate in that we come from a family without too much cultural baggage, so it wasnt (too much) a battle against own family for my sister to get a divorce. What upsets me is that there are those women in our community who feel that they cant get a divorce for fear of community/relatives giving them a hard time. How do those families let their daughters/sisters return to a violent man, i will never understand. It makes me so angry.

Thankfully though, as already said, attitudes are slowly changing.

Defuse your mum sounds awesome! Im lucky to have grown up in a community with women like that. Very confident, very assertive and worldly wise women. My mum and her friends are always lecturing me that Im too much of a pushover and that I need to assert myself more as well as giving me unwanted 'marriage advice'. I know they would drag me away kicking and screaming if need be if I was in a situation where there was dv. I think sisters with family's like that or support networks like that are fine but its the ones who dont have that who are at risk. In most muslim societies people rely on the extended family to deal with all the crises that occur in life but we really need to get governments to step up and play a more proactive role. For me the only real difference between the status of women in the developed world and in the developing world is that they have laws here to protect women. Take away the laws and you will find women in the developed world in much the same situation as women in other parts of the world. Its nothing to do with commonly held values. The reason why a woman is not sexually harassed on the street is because its against the law. The reason why a woman is not discriminated against in the work place (openly at least) is because it would land her employer in a heap of trouble. That's all. We need this sort of protection for women enshrined in law in muslim countries too so that abusers can be punished for the injustice they commit. My MIL was telling me about how in her muslim majority country (not going to say which as dont want to out myself) a law has been passed recently which would force men to pay child support to their ex-partners. Previously there was nothing in the law that could force a man to pay child support if he didnt want to and this of course made life difficult for divorced women with children. This law also prevented men from marrying women whilst on holiday from Europe and then abandoning them when they went back without providing any financial support for any children that were born as a result of that marriage. Its looking positive. I remember hearing about the advert about DV in Saudi as well Crescent. It caused quite a stir but hopefully it will create the momentum needed to get some much needed change. Gosh lovely to hear about your little girls. Inshallah I pray your little daughter will be born healthy and happy and will grow to be a pious muslimah. Ameen. It is my biggest desire and biggest fear to have daughters.

I'm shocked Islamic countries don't have child support enshrined in law by default. Islamically financial provision for a child is the fathers responsibility.
Actually I don't know why I am shocked, they're hardly Islamic at all.

My mother is of the OMG what will the neighbours say camp, she was devastated when I left ex, however my father and brother were adamant I was not going to reconcile under any circumstances, by the time I told them and left it had been going on for a decade. Now my mother is just furious at ex.
I find my mothers reaction incomprehensible, being a mother of daughters I would not want my girls to 'practice patience' or more likely the zulm of an abusive spouse, I've bought my girls up with such love and have tried to shield them from sorrows and hardships I cannot imagine telling them to stay in a relationship where their lives were in danger every single day for the sake of appearance.

I think a lot of the times it is the women who make it hard on eachother.

salaam just wanted to say have recently left a dv marriage and have been disowned by my parents for it. they cant cope with the shame and effects for them but were more than happy to watch me suffer knowing what was going on. they loved my husband more than me. i have been shunned by the community and literally have no-one. was being supported by nour but they are having funding issues and this may soon stop. am feeling very alone and desperate and just wish i had someone who cared. please can anyone help me?

Salaam sis yummy. You are incredibly brave for leaving that situation. I am so sorry that your parents have disowned you. I also hope you know that it isnt your fault. I am really glad you got yourself out of that terrible situation, though i dont underestimate how difficult things may still be for you. It is unfortunate that our asian muslim community puts more emphasis on 'save face' than on the very real suffering of the women.

If you could give me an idea of which region you are in, then i will see if i can find any contacts. I know that sis fuzzy will be able to give you some great advice inshallah. Sis yummy, please stay with this thread, i will try to help in any way that i can inshallah.

I have Pm'ed you sis.

So glad you saw the message sis fuzzy. Love you sis

Just seen the news about the british muslim doctor who has died in Syria. I feel so and angry about it. I never heard of this until today! His mum had to go to syria to track him down in prison! Cant help but wonder why our government didnt do more.

The doctors wife issued a heartbreaking statement. No anger just deep sadness and patience.

There's a petition set up for anyone who wishes to sign.

Innah lillah wa innah Iley hai rajeoon.

From God we came to Him is our return

May Allah forgive the brother and grant him a place amongst the martyrs. May Allah grant his family Sabrun Jameel a beautiful patience.

Salamalaykum sister yummy

Im so sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. Alhamdulillah sis you have done the right thing by getting yourself out of there. There is a famous hadith that I live my life by.

Narrated Anas: Allah's Apostle said, "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is being oppressed. People asked, “Oh Messenger of Allah, we help the one being oppressed but how do we help an oppressor?”" The Prophet said, "By preventing him from oppressing others."

This hadith so clearly instructs us to not tolerate oppression however you find us doing the complete opposite. Not helping the oppressed (by supporting them to get out of their situation) and not helping the oppressor (because we enable them)! By leaving your husband who oppressed you, you have acted on this hadith. Dont feel bad about your parents either. Inshallah they will change their stance and restart their relationship with you if that is what you want. Its shocking how people can disown their children when breaking ties of kinship is so expressely forbidden in Islam and is one of the main things the Prophet Muhammed PBUH preached against but another example of people ignoring the actual teachings of our deen. The best thing you can do right now Yummy is be completely selfish and focus on yourself, your kids (ignore this if it doesnt apply) and your recovery. That is the best way to get even in my opinion, is by getting better and moving on. I will make dua for you sis and inshallah if you are living in London please pm me as I would love to be able to help you if I could. If you are a revert there is a charity called Solace who specifically help reverts who are facing difficulties.

The most beautiful aspect of Islam in my eyes and one of the reasons why I think it is the truth is that it places such an emphasis on justice and fighting oppression. One of my favourite names of Allah SWT is Al Adl, the Just. Another beautiful verse from the Quran which really resonates with me is this one.

Oh you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to God, even though it be AGAINST yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, be he rich or poor, Allâh is a Better Protector to both. So follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you may avoid justice, and if you distort your witness or refuse to give it, verily, Allâh is Ever Well Acquainted with what you do [4:135]

Subhanallah. How different the world would be if we just acted on this one verse from the Quran and stood for justice? How different would our communities be if we challenged injustice and oppression in all its forms?

Other hadiths include this one from the 40 hadith of An Nawawi.

Abu Dharr reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said: Allah, the Exalted and Glorious, said, “O my servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden among you, so DO NOT OPPRESS ONE ANOTHER..."

Also it makes me laugh that some men talk about following the example of the prophet Muhammed PBUH but they turn a blind eye to following his example with regards to how he was with his wives.

“Aisha reported that Allah's Messenger, may Allah bless him, never beat anyone with his hand, neither a woman nor a servant…” (Sahih Muslim, Hadith 4296)

The Prophet PBUH said: "The best among you is the one who is the best towards his wife"

Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: "The strong-man is not one who wrestles well but the strong man is one who controls himself when he is in a fit of rage." Sahih Muslim Book 032, 6313

Narrated By Abu Huraira : A man said to the Prophet , “Advise me! “The Prophet said, “Do not become angry.” The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said in each case, “Do not become angry.” Sahih Bukhari , Book 073, Hadith 137

Our religion is so clear on these issues, however you still get people blaming the religion for the mistakes of muslims.

Thanks so much for all support it helps so much. Every day I wish I could have been from a different type of community where the right decision was supported instead of punished. I feel guilty and doubt if have done right thing but as a parent I cant grasp vhow mine were happy for me to suffer so much and just expect me to take it. I feel broken have no self esteem and keep reliving the mental and physical abuse. At least I have my beautiful vkids who help me live

Hello ladies,

I find it interesting reading about attitudes in other peoples families. I myself grew up in a very laid back environment, probably a bit too laid back if I'm honest! My dad is a big softie it was my mum who used to try and drag us to the talks at the mosque which me and my sister used to huff and puff at but even she gave up in the end. I would say though my mum did favour my brother more than us girls but my dad always had our back, mums and sons and fathers and daughters, that's the way it goes isn't!

I'm sorry to hear about your family yummytummy I do hope you and your family reconcile it must be so hard. My cousins sis in law suffered on the hands of her DH, it was more emotional abuse than physical but alhumdollilah she is at her parents home now with her child. I hope you don't mind me asking but was your DH from the same community, you mention your family love him more than you?

crescentmoon thankyou for your post and to all others who have posted.

it helps to know that there are strong leaders who were raised by single mothers. i know in my gut its the best decision but following it through is so so hard when alone and people who should be lifting you are using their energy to bring you down.

there is a lot of solace in the religion i just wish the religion was listened to rather than the culture

Oh by the way just to name drop a few more great people raised by single mothers. Imam Shafiee and Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal were both raised by their mothers and they went on to found their madhabs (schools of legal jurisprudence). Both of their mothers were very inspirational and they give us good examples of how to raise our kids to be close to Allah SWT.

Quick post back to the favourite Quran verse, I was listening to Surah Yaseen this morning and thought I love the closing verse so much;

??????????? ??????? ???????? ????????? ????? ?????? ?????????? ???????????

Fasubhana allathee biyadihi malakootu kulli shayin wailayhi turjaAAoona

Therefor glory be to Him in Whose hand is the dominion over all things! Unto Him ye will be brought back.

Salaam all. My favourite quranic verse at the moment is:

Fabiayyi alai rabbikuma tukaththibaan.
Surah Ar-Rahman
Meaning:
Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny?

Just love the rhythm, the flow, the beauty of the verse. How it humbles you when you realise how much Allah has created - for us!

Recently i have read this verse:

'And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine.' Surah talaaq verse 3.

I do use the message of these verses in my duas to Allah when asking him for something. Allah truly hears our prayers.

It is recommended to praise Allah and send durood upon prophet muhammed (saw) before asking Allah of something in your dua. Allah accepts the durood sent upon our prophet.

I once read something very interesting - i dont know who said this but it was a lovely thing i thought. He said to send durood upon our prophet before you ask Allah of anything and the finish by sending durood upon prophet muhammed (saw) again. The reason - he said that 'my Allah is so ungenerous that he will only accept the durood before and after the dua, but not the bit in between.'

Indeed, All prayers do get accepted as long as it is not for something bad. They get accepted in 3 ways:

1. Allah answers the person's prayers

Or

1. Allah will give it in the hereafter

Or

1. Allah will remove something bad from happening

I have read that option 2 is what we will all wish had happened to all our duas. Its amazing how desperate we can feel in life so sometimes, sometimes due to immense grief, sometimes due to impatience amongst other things, but the fact that we will all wish that all our duas would have been saved for hereafter is something amazing.

I have read that sadaqah is also a fantastic way of removing troubles and obstacles in life. Allah is generous and He likes generosity.

Sorry, i have gone on a bit.