Cookierookie, if you're still around, I'm sorry you feel so bad, I kind of feel guilty that we're undermining something that means a lot to you. I hope you feel a bit better today.
"There was a plan, a reason, a purpose and now there's nothing."
I've never experienced what you're going through, as I never believed in the first place. Atheism/agnosticism can be lonely and bleak sometimes, but it also has beauty and purpose to it. It's wonderful and amazing that conscious life exists (although obviously if it didn't we wouldn't be here to notice it's non-existence
) and the fact that conscious life just happened to evolve as the product of billions of years of natural processes makes it even more precious. There is still love, still beauty, still happiness - these things are obvious, we can see evidence of them all around us.
I find a lot of religious people tend to thank God for all that is good in the world, but blame most suffering on free will. Without God, all the good in the world is that which we find and that which we make, and all the suffering in the world is that which we find and that which we make. When people are saved from horrible illnesses, it's not because of God's plan, it's because of the ingenuity and hard work of scientists, the work and compassion of nurses and doctors, the vision and passion of those who campaigned for free healthcare for all. When slavery was ended, it was because of the bravery of slaves who rebelled, the creativity and intelligence of writers, the dedication and compassion of abolitionists. Many used the example of Jesus to guide them, but in my opinion God didn't make it happen, just like God didn't make slavery happen: they did it themselves. I look around at the world and think "Bloody hell, it's up to us now. There is no plan, no one can fix this for us, but we can change the world ourselves." (Sorry for the swearing, but it's such a strong thought, that's the only way I can express it.)
Wishing you all the best, whatever you decide.