Agnostics -How do you explain 'afterlife' to very upset 3 yr old

[Again]

My 3 year old is very upset about death.

I'm agnostic with leanings towards Zen Buddhism. I have said that your body doesn't exist anymore but your soul does. He was crying a lot this evening saying that he wouldn't know whose soul it was if he saw it because it wouldn't have a face. He needs to know specifics about how you die and what happens to your body and so on.

I tell him a lot of stories, made-up but find it difficult to come up with something plausible to do with death.

He is a real worrier and I don't know what to do for the best.

The poor little soul! What triggered this particular worry? did he read or hear something related?

I posted this comment in another thread but will paste it here for your consideration:

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Believe it or not, Lion King (yes the Disney animation) is an excellent learning tool for explaining death.

Young Simba: And we'll always be together, right?

Mufasa: Simba, let me tell you something my father told me. Look at the stars. The great kings of the past are up there, watching over us.

Young Simba: Really?

Mufasa: Yes. So whenever you feel alone, just remember that those kings will always be there to guide you. And so will I.

I will make another important point about life and death. Life is infinite (circle of life) and knows no end therefore, death is another form of existence, allowing one to change from a physical being to a spiritual one.

Mufasa: Simba . . .

Simba: Father?

Mufasa: Simba, you have forgotten me.

Simba: No. How could I?

Mufasa: You have forgotten who you are, and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.

I hope this helps!

Thanks Lady. This time it was after the song 'Molly Malone'. 'She died of a fever and no one could relieve and that was the end of sweet Molly Malone'.

I said death doesn't happen for a long long time and he said, I'm asking you what happens. He couldn't go to sleep until 10 p.m. and he was crying a lot.

He was saying the song to himself quietly this morning again, so I'll play with him later and see if it comes up. Life keeps going on might work. I don't think that telling him to look inside himself will though. He's very literal. Although he loves stories they have to be very logical.

My ds was 5 when my mum died but he has autism so is a leteral thinker too and not mature!
We told him that nanny had died and that her body (she was buried) is in the ground but her spirit is in heaven and in heaven she lives a full and happy life with no pain or illness and that she visits us regularly and can see us all the time BUT we dont always see her as she is spirit which means we can only feel her near us.
My DD accepts this as true tooand she is 5 now but has been told this since she was old enough to ask.

If you are an agnostic, why are you making up vague stories about an afterlife you are skeptical on?

My line to young DC is "People only die when they want to die" and then assure them that mummy and daddy will never want to die.

They don't really need to know at this point. They just want to be reassured that people they love, who take care of them, won't be taken from them?

I have no idea what that Lion King bit was about, by the way.

"People only die when they want to die"

[sceptical] how is that preparing a child for death???

Who are we supposed to be preparing for death? OP's DS is not dying and nobody he knows is dying, either.

This is a child who believes in Santa, fairies, Easter bunny, etc.

Keep it simple, for goodness' sake. He's 3, only understands the concrete and literal and doesn't need frightening about death. Cote is right- he's looking for reassurance about you being there, not complicated concepts which he can't possibly understand.

If it's not an actual death you're dealing with then a couple of simple facts will do. Like - everyone dies but usually when they're very old so nothing to start worrying about. And that you're NOT joining them anytime soon. If you need to talk about an afterlife ( I wouldn't) just say something he'll understand. But since you don't seem to believe it just tell him there's no such thing.

He'll be happy with that at 3- wait for the philosophical debates in another 10 - 15 yrs!

Someone might die though (my 92 year old grandmother for instance).

I did think about saying that we don't die until we want to, that was what more or less what I said when he said he didn't want to grow up - he said he'd go into a cocoon and come back out as a cocoon not butterfly.

I told him that we will always be together even if we are souls after our bodies have died.

He may be only 3 but he keeps bringing things up until he gets a satisfactory answer.

Death from old age is not hard for kids to grasp, and it doesn't scare them too much becuse they can't see themselves becoming that old and end up saying "I don't want to grow old". That is fine for this age.

Next time you have flowers in a vase, let them "die" and show them to your DS before you throw them away. This is what I did and DD understood all living things grow old and die. There was no need to fill her little head with souls, afterlife etc

I try to keep it simple and factual because that is how I was raised and I am like your DS (still) - worrier, needs to know specifics, literal. My advice would be to keep it factual (people grow old and die) and if he can't cope with it and takes a cop-out like "I don't want to grow old", just say "OK". He is only 3.

I like the flowers analagy, that is a good one cotedazur.

He gets upset by flowers dying, but I take your point.

Oh dear, he is a worrier isn't he.

I'd put my efforts into distraction techniques tbh. As well as the reassuring and the couple of simple facts as campion says.

And you don't need to answer all his questions fully. He'll have you in knots once he starts asking "how does gravity work?" and "why is tree not the opposite of dog"? and other such questions I've had to handle recently...

I guess maybe I started thinking that stories about an afterlife and so on are so universal that it is probably something that simple people (such as children) need in order to get their head around death

You can't say 'people only die when they want to'
MIl died last year, I am not goign to tell my DD's that their daddy's mother wanted to die and leave the whole family distraught. She was not old, there are older members of the family who I don't want them to think are about to die so we don't use that line either.

We told them that when people are very, very ill the doctors can't help them and they die. We are very sad because that means that we can't see them anymore but that because we always remember them they will never be gone completely.

We are not religious so don't talk about stars or afterlife or any of that, it just wasn't mentioned.

Be matter of fact and it will pass, they were (understandably) obsessed with death after MIL died (they were 2.11 and 4.7) but now they just mention it a couple of times a week in passing.

xpost. I actually think afterlife stories confuse them more tbh. Someone at school told DD1 that grandma was in heaven watching her and was a star, she was so confused 'how can she be a star if she is dead' 'WHy did she want to go to heaven and not stay with me?' etc

Of course, it's not true. Are you 3?

I think the problem with telling them that people get old and die is if a child or younger person dies it really confuses them and they get scared that it could happen to anyone at any time (which of course it could)

But what shiney is saying is you cant tell children that. You cant say 'people only die when they want to' as that means anyone who dies wanted to die more than they wanted to stay with them.
It's an awful message to give to a child. You aren't just telling them about death to shut them up right now, you need to prepare them so if/when someone they know dies they can cope a little better with it.

Actually, I can and did, and it worked perfectly well. To each their own, of course.

We had this conversation as my grandmother is 90 and not of great health. It is not a question of whether she wants to stay here with DD. She is very old, her body doesn't work properly anymore, she can't walk properly, and she is in pain. She has had a good life and might soon decide to end it just like her favorite stories and films end. She is OK with this and often says "We should visit her again because she might die".

Re death by accident - DD also knows that you can die by accident which is why she must always hold my hand when crossing the road, can't lean over the balcony, and can't expect me to turn around and play with her when I'm driving.

Why are you trying to "assure" me that your friend's husband "didn't want to die"?

I assure you that I understand that.