Agnostics -How do you explain 'afterlife' to very upset 3 yr old

[Again]

My 3 year old is very upset about death.

I'm agnostic with leanings towards Zen Buddhism. I have said that your body doesn't exist anymore but your soul does. He was crying a lot this evening saying that he wouldn't know whose soul it was if he saw it because it wouldn't have a face. He needs to know specifics about how you die and what happens to your body and so on.

I tell him a lot of stories, made-up but find it difficult to come up with something plausible to do with death.

He is a real worrier and I don't know what to do for the best.

I suppose it's different sets of experience, Cote.

My BIL died of a sudden heart attack when his DCs were 7 and 2. No warning, perfectly healthy and super-fit one minute, dead the next. He was 42.

The two year old was too young to understand that he was gone really.

My DSis told her DD that Daddy was looking after them from heaven and that "nothing else bad is ever going to happen." Just for something, anything, to say that could be comforting...

A couple of weeks later they were burgled, nothing much was taken apart from a lot of sentimental stuff that they really needed to not lose at that time in their lives.

My niece said "But why did daddy let that happen?"

My sister said she didn't care about the damage and loss but could have torn the burglar limb from limb for "making me a liar to my little girl."

Because that's the thing with making promises about things that aren't in your control - you never know when some bastard person or thing might make you a liar and then you have to deal with that.

You can't make those kind of comparisons Cote. Your way of explaining death is just .

Actually, I'm struggling to think of a way I've heard that I'd consider worse.

Sorry.

Maybe it would help to clarify I didn't tell DD that everyone who dies does so because they want to. This is about very old people, who have lived a fully and happy life, whose bodies are old and don't work properly anymore, who are in pain. And as stories come to an end, they sometimes want to end their stories there.

We have talked about accidents and death, and obviously those people don't die because they want to. We haven't needed to talk about illness and death yet, thankfully. Hopefully, when we do, she will be at an age where she can understand these things better.

At the age of 3, they don't need to know the truth. They only need to be comforted that their loved ones will not die and leave them alone. "Don't worry honey, it won't happen" is a reasonable strategy for this age, ime. Truth can wait for a few more years.

To each their own, according to our own circumstances, tidy. No need to apologize.

I have explained to my four year old that people die because their bodies wear out but that their energy goes into other things (I did not mention crematorium chimneys obv.) a bit like bulbs which flower and then die but that's okay because the dieback protects their essence so they can come again another year. And that death is not necessarily an end - but it can be a beginning, we talked about the food chain and that sometimes animals die so other animals can live etc. But it is tricky.

DD has now told octogenarian MiL that she is very old and soon she will die and we will bury her in the garden so the flowers come up in spring So my method is not foolproof!

Back to the OP, I lied to my dd and told her we go to heaven. It gave her great comfort, still does. I don't believe in it myself but until she's older and can deal the possibility of there being no afterlife, I'm happy to go along with the lie. She did ask lots of questions about heaven, most of which I told her to talk to Father X about (she's at a CofE school) as I couldn't answer them.
You may find this useful in the short term.

Yes, certainly each to their own. But still . Hopefully your DC didn't take it in.

Balloon for your DSis and nephews.

I wouldn't (couldn't) tell DC that the dead are up in heaven as spirits or whatever because my understanding is that those things are unknown and unknowable, which is the real agnostic position. So we go by flowers and how they die after a while and people dying in a similar manner when they are old, except for accidents, of course.

I understand what you mean, but if for example DH dies suddenly, we will have bigger problems than "Oops, I had told DD it wouldn't happen" and anyway it could be covered by "Remember we had talked about accidents and how you could die if you fell off the balcony?".

Of course DD "took it in" and she is comfortable with the idea now. When talking about my grandmother who is 90, she says "We should go visit her soon because she might die soon" (not to her face, though, thankfully).

I wish you would stop acting like I'm abusing my children.

Unfortunately I am in this position with my DS who is 4. I don't know how long I have, hopefully a good few years yet, but no-one knows do they?

I try to explain that wherever I am, I am always in his heart and he is always in mine. It's difficult, very difficult. I try to learn a little more about preparing him every day, but some days I just want to enjoy him.

I do hope he's never told that mummy died because she wanted to

I never said it was like you were abusing children. But it's a shocking way to handle that. And tbh if someone said that to one of mine by way of explanation, I would be really angry.

Why on earth would it be "shocking" to tell a three year old that very old people die when they want to? Is it not in the realm of possibility for you that some old people do indeed consider their life well-lived and wrapped up and don't wish to continue with a body that doesn't properly work anymore?

Again: I did not and would not say that some people have heart attacks or car accidents, and leave their little children behind because they want to.

Read properly before you get all and , people.

wubbly for you & DS.

Well frankly, I don't want to set my children with the misbelief that people routinely stop wanting to live and that those who have died and left their lives have done so out of choice. Children won't just believe it happens to elderly people, someone will die and they will wonder if it's out of choice whether or not you have said they are too young. Not to mention the fact that young children have a very distorted view of what constitutes very old.

As for whether it's in my realm that some people don't believe their life is worth living? Yes of course, but then I'm an adult, with an adult grasp on the concept of life and death and free will. My child is very different.

Again, re the illness thing, MIL was veyr ill after a series of strokes and was in a sheelchair, veyr obviously not the woman she had been, so I am sure to tell DD after she died that yes, she was ill, but the doctors were helping her and just being ill in itself has nothing to do with dying (I explained how she had a very bad cold so was ill but she didn't die) It's onyl when the doctors can't help anymore or someone is very old and very ill that they may die.
And I always used the may as DD1 is a worrier, so that gave her a get out clause.
It did help that she had been prepared though as the morning after MIL died (she died at night) when DH sat her down to tell her she shrugged and said 'Okay, so she won't be hurting then?.......can I have soem breakfast now'

I would recommend having a look at winstons wish website as well for some advice about how to handle stuff like this, I found it invaluable.

Yesterday I told him that souls always stay together, so mum, dad, he and dd would always always be together. He seemed happy with that, gave me a hug and hasn't brought it up again.

I go with 'do you still love granny even though she can't be with us?' and when the answer is 'yes' say that 'granny still loves you and love goes on after death'. I follow that up with 'granny loved to see you happy, she wouldn't want you to be sad' and talk about the happy things they did together.
I don't believe that death is the end, bodies that I have seen are shells, the person isn't there. I wouldn't however talk about 'heaven' as it is too confusing and I don't believe in in in the conventional sense-I think it is way outside any human understanding.

Today we went to a beautiful woods with a graveyard. He insisted on going into the graveyard and reading the headstones. I managed to get us out a couple of times but he wanted to go back in. Then I gave him a piggyback ride back to the car and he started making piglet noises. When I asked what that meant he said 'It means I have come to a very important decision - that is the wrong sort of dying'!