Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Philosophy/religion

Join our Philosophy forum to discuss religion and spirituality.

Agnostics -How do you explain 'afterlife' to very upset 3 yr old

69 replies

Again · 13/04/2011 22:58

My 3 year old is very upset about death.

I'm agnostic with leanings towards Zen Buddhism. I have said that your body doesn't exist anymore but your soul does. He was crying a lot this evening saying that he wouldn't know whose soul it was if he saw it because it wouldn't have a face. He needs to know specifics about how you die and what happens to your body and so on.

I tell him a lot of stories, made-up but find it difficult to come up with something plausible to do with death.

He is a real worrier and I don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 17/04/2011 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ilythia · 17/04/2011 09:08

I can see in those certain circumstances that woudl work, but I am trying to explain why that is not a message that covers everything, and may need further explanations.
when a younger person gets ill and dies, leaving behind upset, how would it have helped DH to explain to his daughter that his mother wanted to die? You need to be abke to explain things in a way that helps you as well, we were in tears when we told our dd's she had died, I couldn't have said that to comfort them as that would have ruined their grandma's memory.

ilythia · 17/04/2011 09:11

it is horribly difficult though, and of course we all have different ways/beliefs and will feel strongly about our own.

CoteDAzur · 17/04/2011 09:14

shineoncrazydiamond Sun 17-Apr-11 08:50:
I can assure you he doesn't want to die! A good friend of mine recently lost her husband - I am as sure as can be that he did not want to die.

Himalaya · 17/04/2011 09:17

I just try to be as honest and straightforward as possible, while trying to reassure them:

'Usually people die when they are very old.' - since they are mainly worried about themselves and us, we have worked through the maths together - if I live to be 90, DS will be in his 60s before I die, could well be a grandad himself i.e. Mind bogglingly old in his eyes...I think that's quite helpful.

'Sometimes people die because they are very ill.'

'Somtimed people die in accidents' - I don't try to scare them with this one, but I do think it is worth impressing on them, particularly when they start to learn road safety. Fear of death is not an entirely negative thing!

I really wouldn't go down the incomprehensible route of souls, heaven, hell etc.. If you can at all avoid it.

My mum told my DSs that her cat had gone to 'cat heaven' - which caused some confusion but probably ended up with my DSs concluding that their grandma talks nonsense sometimes. (which is why I try to stick to the defensible and true, although I'm sure it won't stop them writing me off as a source of wisdom eventually!)

RumourOfAHurricane · 17/04/2011 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CoteDAzur · 17/04/2011 09:18

Ilythia - There is no terminally ill child here.

The truth (as I see it) is that people die for whatever reason and that is it. No afterlife, no shining from the stars, no souls.

There will come a time when I will be able to discuss this with DC but at 2 and 5, they are too young.

BalloonSlayer · 17/04/2011 09:21

"People only die when they want to die" and then assure them that mummy and daddy will never want to die.

Bloody Nora, you want to watch that one!

How do you explain it if one of you drops dead of a heart attack? It does happen. I guess if it's you that drops dead it won't be your problem.

BalloonSlayer · 17/04/2011 09:22

X-posted with, um, everyone

Grin
ilythia · 17/04/2011 09:25

But now you are contradicting youself!

'people die for whatever reason and that is it. No afterlife, no shining from the stars, no souls.'
that's what I have been saying. People die. We are sad.

Balloon, I have been wanting to write that but hesitated, but yes, what you said!

CoteDAzur · 17/04/2011 09:26

Balloon - We are only buying time here. In another year or so, she will understand much more. In a few years, she will know as much as I do in such matters.

The truth is too harsh for a three year old or even a five year old.

CoteDAzur · 17/04/2011 09:27

Why do you think I'm contradicting myself?

ilythia · 17/04/2011 09:29

'people die for whatever reason and that is it.'
'People only die when they want to die'

I am not getting into this though, this is probably not helping OPGrin

CoteDAzur · 17/04/2011 09:29

Maybe it's too early in the morning for this topic.

CoteDAzur · 17/04/2011 09:30

The first sentence is what I think/know.

The second sentence is what I tell 3 yr old DC.

Again · 17/04/2011 09:34

I think that some children are more sensitive than others. My ds also worries about getting 7 types of fruit and veg a day for instance (not that he does!). If he thought that he might die by accident crossing the road he would be very very upset

OP posts:
captainbarnacle · 17/04/2011 09:38

You simplify things for little children. You don't tell them actual lies.

"They die because they want to die" is not a simplification, it is a lie. All it will do is confuse and upset your DC.

Again · 17/04/2011 09:39

I do say santa is real and we have just written a letter to the easter bunny to ask for a new toothbrush. So I do actually lie

OP posts:
ilythia · 17/04/2011 09:40

BUt why tell children something you don't believe?

captainbarnacle · 17/04/2011 09:55

A belief in Santa and the Easter bunny is really like a game though, isn't it? With characters. Telling someone lies about such a crucial thing as death is only storing up problems. You cannot equate the death of a loved one with believing in the Easter Bunny.

I would def steer clear of the afterlife unless you believe in it. It's very very complicated. I know some people say their dead dog/great aunt etc is a 'star in the sky' and that seems like a tangible thing, but anything else is a bizarre concept to a 3 yr old - esp the idea of a soul!!

steviesmith · 17/04/2011 09:57

My dad died in an accident when my son was two and his cousins were four and six. It was incredibly difficult explaining to them why their grandad wasn't coming back. It took a very long time for the two and four year old to understand that death was final. It would have made it all far worse if they had thought that he wanted to die and leave them. There's a huge difference between lying and not telling all the truth.

We're all atheists and so didn't try to comfort with an idea of an afterlife (even though this was tempting) but the children have decided that grandad is in heaven. I think to some extent everyone has to find their own way to deal with death however young.

Cloudydays · 17/04/2011 10:16

Please, whatever you tell him, don't use the line about people only dying when they want to die. I know I'm repeating what others have said, but that is so potentially damaging - of course you have to soften or simplify or even bend the truth for a young child, but I can hardly think of a worse thing to say to him, especially if he's a literal thinker.

Hopefully chances are that you or his Dad won't die for a long, long time and long past when he'll understand the truth about death (insofar as anyone does). But you can't guarantee that, and just imagine how abandoned he will feel if you himself have told him that you won't die until you want to, and then you do. All bereaved children feel abandoned anyway, but you will have actually told him that yes, you really did want to leave him. How awful.

I lost my mum when I was young, of a disease that she fought tooth and nail to beat, and I still in my more wobbly moments have to remind myself that she didn't want to leave me and not see us grow up, or be here for her grandchildren etc.

Not to mention the other conclusion your little literal thinker might come to, that he can run through traffic with abandon because he doesn't want to die.

And you'll surely be asked why everyone tried to save poor Molly when she obviously wanted to die anyway :)

Maybe try something along the lines of "people die when they're very very old, or very very sick, or when they have a terrible accident like being hit by a car." I think Himilaya's suggestion for illustrating the 'very old' bit is very good, and then you can reassure him that as well as being young, you are very healthy and very careful, and you want him to be healthy and careful too, which is why you make him eat veggies and sit in a car seat etc. :) I'd say he's looking for reassurance as well as a sense of control, so while you can't (or really, really shouldn't) give him any promises that he won't die until he wants to, you can make him feel safer and more in control of his health.

As far as what happens when we die and what happens after, you can tell him that it doesn't hurt, because when you die your body doesn't feel pain anymore, and I think it's fine, as you're agnostic, to tell him that lots of different people believe different things about what happens to us after (maybe even give the light version of what some of those beliefs are), but that the one thing we do know is that life is energy, and energy can't be destroyed, only changed. So we don't disappear, it's just that our energy changes. But we don't get to find out exactly how until we get there ourselves.

I hope he stops worrying about it soon.

Again · 17/04/2011 10:26

You see I do have a long-term illness, for which I wear a bracelet. It will probably not be fatal, in that as long as I am treated quickly I'm fine. I don't really want him to equate illness with death.

OP posts:
Cloudydays · 17/04/2011 10:49

That's understandable. I apologise for the assumption Blush .

I think the question of people dying because they're sick is going to be unavoidable if you're going to avoid lying to him, but you could say "very very sick with something the doctors can't help" and emphasise the fact that your illness is something that you can [insert as appropriate] take medicine for / get treatment for / go into hospital when you need to, so that's different.

Even if you didn't have the illness, you'd have to differentiate between "very very sick" and everyday illness, or else he'd think he might die the next time he gets a cold. You can make sure that he understands that your illness falls in the "can live with" category.

CoteDAzur · 17/04/2011 13:37

"You simplify things for little children. You don't tell them actual lies."

So your DC never believed in Santa, Easter bunny, tooth fairy? Hmm

DD (5.6) eats green vegetables because it makes her hair shiny like princesses' hair. So I've lied to her. Shock. Horror.

When i was 4 or so, I remember my mother had said to me that pharmacists can tell from people's eyes if they are lying. For the longest time, I wouldn't look her in the eye when lying, and (surprise surprise) she could easily tell.

Lying must run in our family, all bad mothers that we are.

Swipe left for the next trending thread