Returning a dog to rescue

[areyouhavingagiraffe]

I am fully aware that I may get some abuse posting this. But please realise this is hard. I bought home a greyhound on Saturday. I have grown up around dogs, but never owned one. For as long as I can remember, it has been my dream to buy a house with a large garden, and get a dog.
My hound has been as good as gold, he is a bit of a jumper and puller on the lead, but it calms down after a while. But I am finding this so so difficult. I live alone and thought that having a dog would be incredible for me. But it is making me feel isolated and lonely, and I feel so overwhelmed and I feel like I have lost some of my independence. I was warned that I may feel like this, but I didn't expect to feel like this in a few days. He is following me around, but he was good last night and slept downstairs alone (I slept with him the first night), but he has a little cry when I go upstairs in the daytime. I know this is expected from him and I have turned his life upside down, but he is a star, but I am not cut out for dog ownership, not on my own. I haven't eaten in two days, because I feel like a failure, and I am so worried about what the rescue will think of me. I don't know why I am writing this, maybe for some words of wisdom. My parents popped over today, and I discussed it with them, and I have made the decision to take him back in a few days. He needs someone else, maybe a family. I am feeling so hurt and broken. How can something that I have dreamt of for so long make me feel like this.

*can't

You have literally had him a few days. I am sorry but I can't help feeling that you are a bit selfish. Obviously dogs are a responsibility. I can't believe you didn't actually consider this! I often read about how rescues are too fussy about owners. This is the reason why. I can't be sympathetic to this. You are an adult. You made a decision and three days later you are crying and thinking poor me.

I think I know where you are coming from regarding feeling isolated. We tend to think that a dog provides company and gets you out of the house.
In one sense this is true ...nothing better than snuggling up with a much loved dog in the evenings if you live alone. They are great company. Likewise dog walks are good exercise and get you talking to other people put and about.
But they are tying in ways it's hard to factor in. We love our rescue who we've had for four years but she does narrow our life down in some ways. We like long walks ext but now we always take her out with us we don't usually stop off for a pub lunch and we can't both stroll in and out of quirky little shops. We don't arrange days out so much with friends as they are all non dog owners so naturally want to factor in lunches out ext in lovely places ...not be shunted off into a draughty corner of the pub with a lot of other dog walkers
It's lunch out or the theatre/cinema not both as that is too long to leave our darling dog We can book time away but it needs more planning . Either to take her or get her looked after. If we take her we don't usually go with others who may not want to walk in all weathers ext. We love her and it's worked for us. It is a massive adjustment though. Are you sure you have given it long enough op? If the answer is yes then it is definitely best to move quickly before dog gets very attached. We none of us get things right all the time, if this isn't right for you best to be honest and let the rescue know asap. You're not the first and you won't be the last. 💐

@cansu , not a bit selfish. I am very selfish.

Yeah, I'm not sure dog ownership should be a dream, you obviously had unrealistic ideas about how things would be. Feeling sick and guilty about sitting at your laptop and not eating for 2 days would suggest that you maybe can't cope with the responsibilities of caring for another being. What did your parents say when you told them? Just out of interest, because they obviously know you best

That response isn't going to help the OP decide what is best for the dog in the long term. It's clear the OP is very upset, you do not need to guilt-trip her, she already feels guilty.

The OP has to work out whether she has manageable, short-term new dog blues, or whether she is unable to meet the needs of the dog in the long term. Guilt will not help her make this decision, the OP needs to try to take emotions out of it and think practically, with the interests of the dog at heart.

They were hugely supportive. And said that if that's how I felt, then I should return the dog. He has done nothing wrong, I just am not cut out for this.

It’s a brave thing to admit. You will not have harmed this dog in any way, he will be found a home that is suitable for him and there’s no shame admitting that your home is not it.
Please have a little something to eat, carry on looking after him until the rescue can have him back and stop being so harsh on yourself. Some people get puppies and offer them on Gumtree to god knows who when they are bored with them. Those people I do judge. I don’t judge you at all and neither will the rescue. Your feedback could help them find the perfect home for him - maybe he does need a household with more people around, or someone with the time to settle him in without work demands in the way. He will be ok.

All this drama after just 48 hours! Good grief take the dog bag and don't ever get another dog/child/hamster/plant

Back*

Just try to work through your feelings rationally.

And have a cup of tea and a biscuit, at least.

You feel anxious, and then you feel guilty that you feel anxious.

You’re anxious about the responsibility, that you need to be responsible.

You worry that you’re not enough alone for the dog, that you alone aren’t capable of putting the dog’s needs first.

But you are. These feelings are temporary.

Try to break down what the fears are, then challenge your fears. Have you ever had CBT? If so are you familiar with how to stop catastrophic thinking?

Do you fear you won’t be able to go out alone? An example of catastrophic thinking would be

The dog is sad when I go upstairs and whines. I’ll never be able to go out alone and be trapped with the dog always. I’ll never be able to meet friends at the pub or go window shopping or [insert your preference here]. My life is changed for ever. I can’t have a dog by myself because can’t cope with being trapped and I can’t make the dog sad.

But you can challenge this thinking.

You said you’d gone out for 30 minutes, with no issues , and the dog slept alone last night. Greyhounds aren’t particularly prone to separation anxiety and like to sleep for large parts of the day. Once your dog is settled and feels more secure with you he’ll almost certainly be OK and you can adapt your schedule around him. If you want a longer day out you’ll get a dogsitter - perhaps you can research some options now - etc.

Like I say, you can give him back and that’s OK. No judgment. But you felt sure you wanted this and that means you probably - underneath the panic and anxious feelings - can do this and be happy, if you can challenge your anxiety and tough this period out.

What’s your favourite easy meal? Mine would be pasta, butter & cheese…

Actually, the rescue will absolutely judge her. Rescues are currently full to the brim, dogs getting out down left right and centre because there's no room to deal with the covid puppies that are coming in by the masses. OP having this dog means the rescue have probably taken another one in in its place and will now be over capacity. Not to forget the absolute waste of time of going through the rehoming process, the staff are usually volunteers after all

All that work and you haven't even given the poor thing 48 hours. Awful

I think this might be the puppy blues. I don't want to diminish your feelings or experience but relating it to my own, but I felt almost the same. We got our puppy about two years ago, I grew up with dogs and dreamed of my own dog right up until I was able to get him at 34. Despite being (what I though) was well prepared, I was completely knocked for six. It was such a shake-up of my life/lifestyle, and it completely blind-sided me. I was stressed, probably a bit depressed, full of regrets and simply couldn’t imagine ever being able to do all the normal things we'd done before. I resented him, I wanted nothing more than to take him back to the breeder and I used to imagine what I relief I would feel, driving away, dog free. On the advice of friends, I stuck it out and slowly but surely, we found our way. He needs and requirements are just managed in the rhythm of daily life, I don’t even notice. What's more, I simply couldn’t imagine life without him.

OP, be honest: did you get the dog thinking it would help your mental health?

then she’d be best off selling him on gumtree or Facebook @Autumndays123

ffs

Selling the dog and handing him back to a rescue after 48 hours isn't this massive difference you're making it out to be. OP is no different to those on gumtree. Why is she different?

Unless you did this on a whim, which it doesn't sound like you did, you need to give it more time!

I have had the same feelings with rescue animals, and even my own baby tbh. WTF have I done is a perfectly logical response to a new and massive and intense responsibility.

Your feelings are completely normal and to be expected in the circumstances.

What exactly is it that is different to what you thought it would be?

In time you will be able to leave him for about 3 hours, most dogs cope with that. I’m presuming you didn’t think you could go out for 8 hours and leave him. So what exactly is the problem?

Excellent post above by NoSquirrels. Please OP, read it - several times over.

Ask yourself, if I could take this anxiety and sense of impending doom away, can I see that having this wee fella in my life would be a good thing? Would it be good to get up in morning and head out for an autumnal walk? Would it be good to work at my desk with him snoring next to me? Would it be good to watch TV with him of an evening? Would it be good to head out to the pub with a friend and come home to an enthusiastic welcome, let him out for his last wee, then head to bed? These are all things you must have wanted when you looked for a dog - it's only because your mental state, navel-gazing and lack of food is sending you into a nosedive that you can't see this.

You must eat now, and then approach tomorrow with an open mind and look for the good in your situation, rather than the bad. Good luck and keep us posted!

Do you love him/like having him around at all? It is early days and I understand why you feel isolated. Take him to training classes? Are there any local dog walking groups around you?

If you feel nothing for him though, you say you aren’t eating etc then contact the home and return the dog. Never get another though. You say you ‘can’t do it alone’. But even if you were with someone, something could happen to them and any dog would again possibly be too much for you and you’d want to rehome.

To me there seems much more going on here OP, you are having a very extreme reaction to the dog. The rescue won’t judge you, they may be inwardly disappointed but if you tell them what you’ve said here, taking him back is for the best.

Actually, the rescue will absolutely judge her

Actually, the rescue I support would not judge her. They would perhaps tighten up their rehoming procedures to try and avoid it happening again, but they aren’t there to judge. Judgy comments on their social media about the circumstances of people giving up their dogs are banned. You may know of other rescues that waste their time and energy judging people, but it’s by no means the default for all rescues.

Hi OP. Best wishes whatever you decide. You are being conscientious about the decision and I'm sure the dog will suffer no lasting upset if this turns out to be a false start for him.

Do what works for you, and be kind to yourself. I'm a bit worried that if you hand him back you may then berate yourself for that decision, and kick yourself for not trying it out for a few days more. You are probably in a mindset where you are second-guessing all your thoughts and being very self-judgemental.

Perhaps write down all your reasons for handing him back (if that is what you decide to do) so that you can show yourself the list later and quieten any qualms you have after the event.

Just return him to the rescue, what does it matter what any of us or they think, what matters is the dog gets rehomed to someone who wants him.

OP, take a breath.

You are not a terrible person no matter how this goes.

We have a 7 month old puppy, I researched the breed for years. Found a good breeder, researched them out the wazoo to make sure they were good. Joined a waiting list and was on it for over a year before our boy came up. I could not have been more prepared and I still got thrown when he came home. Especially as he was a puppy and very dependent.

For me this did go away as we got used to each other and now I couldn't be without our bundle of absolute nonsense. It's a big change, you would be wrong to not feel that change. If you could get past the way you feel just now would you think he was good to have around or no?

If you need to give him back to the rescue that's ok, they will find him a new home. There's really no need to beat yourself up over it.

Brilliant advice from NoSquirrels

You seem overwhelmed by a responsibility you never had, overwhelmed by feeling you must put this dog first, meet his needs, work to his schedule and his expectations. Its a similar experience to having a new born baby. I felt overwhelmed with a newborn and I felt a similar level of overwhelmed with the dog when he first arrived. You feel like somehow you will fail them if you don't devote every moment to their needs and happiness. As a perfectionist and a very independent person I have often felt smothered, trapped, overwhelmed and rather than face failure its easier to bolt. Don't!

Face your fears, manage the situation, give yourself a break. You are possibly sabotaging yourself here.

Face the fears, be brave, make a plan. Get a dog walker or sitter to give yourself a break. Don't be harsh and don't burden yourself with unrealistic experience of yourself. Your dog won't have these ridiculous expectations. The other way of looking at it is to know that whilst you need to make some adaptions to your life and expectations, your routines and plans, he will too. Dogs are like children in that respect, they need love and care, they depend on you, but they fit in with you, and they adapt to live with you. And sometimes it takes more than a few days to bond.