The funniest error ever...do I win a prize?

[Olivetti]

A colleague emailed me, complaining about a junior colleague's behaviour. Her main sin, apparently, is "acting like a total Pre-Madonna".

That's brilliant!

My DH and his parents come out with some crackers - they say reach instead of retch, full of beams instead of full of beans, etc

Once a colleague of DH's was talking about a cabinet that was being made for an office in a meeting with lots of bigwigs and he kept saying that the good thing about it was that it would be "bestoke"

The best one ever was when DH's ex was having a text rant about their daughter and she said "Don't use her as a porn in our argument!!"

pmsl

A work colleague went into great detail telling me about the dildo rail her DP was putting up - very difficult to get straight apparently!

My DS wrote about the causes of WW1 - one of which was apparently the erotic behaviour of Kaiser Wilheim!

My DH telling a friend about a skiing holiday in Borneo (he meant Bormio in Italy) - you get awful sweaty in all that ski gear in the tropics!

at dildo rail!!!

Loving these!" can I add my gran, who had a "senile dimension" and used to serve us Walls Vendetta for dessert

Scouts were trying to arrange a "willy wanging" competition
I told them to vet their autocorrect carefully to make sure people tried to throw WELLIES instead!

Jooly I am crying at Walls Vendetta

It was asking for the Durex batteries that made me

I know someone who had to email a University asking permission to change an interview date and at the end put "I apologise for any incontinence this may have caused you" I think spell check screwed him over!

My nan said her son was driving erotically..

My error -

Just said to dh "I need sex. I w.." and then DS1 appeared.

Luckily he is having too much of a strop to realise.

UsedToBePretty - My friend says reach instead of retch, all the flipping time, even with proof she won't admit it that she is wrong. Its something we have agreed to disagree on silently fumes

Many a time i have said a pilot ejaculates instead of ejects out of the cock pit ho hum!!

I have friends who have written on Facebook many times that they have stopped off somewhere 'on route' :o

I'm pretty sure retch is pronounced exactly as it is written.....

Shop next to my gym is looking for a new tenant.

"In the first instant call and leave a massage"

Retch is pronounced 're-ch' according to online dictionaries, not reach. You 'retch' your guts up, not 'reach' them up. 'Course, it could be regional dialect differences, which are totally acceptable .

MIL takes 'anti-flammables' for her 'arthuritis' and serves 'peripherals & cream' for pud.

My DM was bad with arthritis for a long time before she died. One day she was having great difficulty getting out of her chair and asked me to come over and give her a hand up.

So there I am standing beside her chair, with her leaning on my arm using it to pull herself up when she said to me " What I would like for Christmas this year is an ejaculation seat, like the one in James Bond's car"!

So much wrong with that, I had no idea where to start!

DP's parents - 'Acropolis Now' (must be Italian subtitles), after his 'prostrate' op, he'll have 'dry organisms', 'rest bite' and sending my son a 'strap on' to travel with (bum bag).

Somewhere I worked there was a very sweet but naive work experience girl who was (to put it nicely) probably not near the top 99% half of her class who was forever doing these mistakes - my favourite was when she was was talking about her friend from school who 'forgot to take her conception pills and got pregnant'...

Error in parent newsletter regarding the forthcoming Xmas 'lucky dip' arrangements: "We'll be making wrapping paper with the children and wrapping the little gits on December 2."

You've just reminded me of another - the school sent out a termly summary of the curriculum and on the back was a list of what they wanted us to do outside of school.

pride of place - 'daily spelling practise' instead of 'daily spelling practice' - the irony of getting spelling/grammar wrong on that of all points

what's worse - I pointed it out to the teacher who was surprised, agreed it was wrong and promptly said she would tell the head of year who had created the document - but this term's came out and the same mistake is there again!

Someone wrote 'mind due it wouldn't blah blah' the other day which may have made me snort a little.

yy to 'on route' - always raises a smile

I had a student who got naturist and naturalist wrong for an entire project about the late Steve Irwin

None to add, but I have just giggled all the way down, so take some pmsl and roffling at the actual same time... and still imagining the school wrapping the little gits!! Note to self Must remember to start writing them down when I hear any