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Original poster

Bloody handing out of sweets at school on birthdays. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

146 replies

LynetteScavo · 30/09/2008 16:42

DD has finished her tantrum now.

Caused by DS2 being handed a crappy bag of sweets by his teacher as he came out of school.She wanted some. DS gave her one. She was tired from nursery, wanted more, DS said no. Que tantrum.

I didn't particularly want either of them to have them.

I tried tackling this with the school with when DS1 was in reception, and was basically laughed at.

Rant over.

OP posts:
AbbeyA · 01/10/2008 15:38

Sorry-I should proof read, I change things around and get left with extra words and commas in strange places!

AbbeyA · 01/10/2008 15:40

Exactly fedupandisolated-they get terrifically excited-I am not going to burst the bubble!

pointydog · 01/10/2008 19:00

(abbey, on that other thread I would say MsHighwater got it in the neck far more than you. Quite a few agreed with you an dbacked you up.)

AbbeyA · 01/10/2008 19:28

I think you could say we both got it in the neck-mainly from each other!
I have come to the conclusion that it is all about control. I think most of the complainers about the sweets have DCs in the infants (unfortunately when the sweet tradition is at its height). They have had total control on their DCs diet and they start to lose it. The only way to rigidly police it is to HE and either only leave the DCs with people who have the same ideals or hover behind the DCs. In school they come across people with different ideas, they go to birthday parties on their own, children hand out sweets and most probably they swap things in their lunch box. If they get pocket money there is the whole question of how much freedom they get in spending their own money.It takes a while to realise that they can't have total control. I think that if you provide a healthy diet at home you have to accept that sometimes they will eat things that you wouldn't choose. The one thing in common with both threads is that the parent wants control, they on no account want the school to dictate and they don't want other parents giving their DC anything.
It is all part of the culture. I don't like people bringing cakes to work on their birthdays because I don't eat between meals but I have to be pleasant and eat some to be polite.
All I can say is that they will have more to worry about when their DCs are teenagers than a lurid pink lolly!

Beachcomber · 01/10/2008 19:47

Well whilst I'm very happy for those who are fun fun fun people who think handing out sweets at school is a good idea, I'm like PigeonQV where it is a bloody nightmare for us.

My DD also has an epipen at school and is also left out of the sweet handing around fun times. Although I trust DD's teachers to do their best to make sure that DD doesn't consume a sweet that could kill her, I still spend all day on feckin' birthday occasions stressing. DD is always upset and always asks me why they have to have sweets on birthdays and can't have something else.

This NEVER happened when I was at school . If you want to give your kids sweets then do it at home. I couldn't care less about the choices other people make for their own children, but please stop imposing those choices on others in a school situation.

lingle · 01/10/2008 20:42

I'm sure that the celebration the birthday child wants to have could be diverted into something that children like Beachcomer's could enjoy. And then they could ALL enjoy it. Crikey, if children with special dietary requirements have to be excluded, surely that's enough to persuade even the most sweet-loving parent?

PigeonQV · 01/10/2008 20:54

exactly lingle.

It's not about being "joyless" at all. Which in itself implies that sugary treats are the route to all childrens happiness.

Why cant they do something else 'joyfull' that doesnt involve foodstuff and that doesnt exclude other children and make them feel like shit?

it's not a lot to ask, is it?

AbbeyA · 01/10/2008 21:23

It is very difficult for those with allergies. When I had my last full time class a father came in and explained about his son's diet (it wasn't an allergy, it was another medical reason). The children asked lots of questions and then were really good at making sure he could be included. I have to say that the boy concerned was a very confident child and quite happy to do this, it might not work for a more sensitive child.
I still think the answer is to get the support of other parents and when you have enough on your side see the Head.

Beachcomber · 01/10/2008 22:10

But I don't want to have to explain to all and sundry why my DD can't eat certain things. I also don't want DD to have to answer questions about her health. She's only 5 and very responsible and sensible about the whole thing but this is nobody else's business.

PigeonQV I completely agree with you (and thought your earlier post put things very well).

pointydog · 01/10/2008 22:30

why ever not, beach? Surely it's going to come up more often as she progresses through school and beyond?

AbbeyA · 01/10/2008 22:46

You can't expect people to cater for the allergy if people don't know she has one. I find that people are very kind on the whole and will do their best to supply an alternative but they have to know that they need the alternative.
I did say that a sensitive DC might not like that approach, you know your DC best, but you can't have it both ways-on the one hand you are saying that it is no one's business but on the other complaining that she can't have the birthday treat.
Even if it isn't done at the end of the school day DCs will find a way.
As a teacher I always give out little chocolate eggs at Easter (if I know someone has an allergy to dairy products I look for an alternative). When I finished my last part time job I had a lovely class so had a little party on the last morning. I got bitesized flapjacks and found at the last minute that one child couldn't have them so had to make some at home.
When I was a Beaver Leader I had a Beaver who was allergic to a lot of things and came with an epipen; that tested my ingenuity but I managed!
The culture of this country is to have food for birthdays and special occasions, I think a blanket ban is a killjoy attitude.

Beachcomber · 01/10/2008 22:56

I just feel that it is our right to tell people on a need to know basis. DD has been extremely ill in the past and has had too much of her short life made difficult by pain, suffering, hospital visits, having to be different, having to explain, etc.

Things are a little better now, but she used to test allergic for most common foods. Very often when I have explained it to people they think I am exaggerating and am some neurotic mum who is imagining loads of 'allergies' or 'intolerances'.

Also when DD eats certain things that she doesn't tolerate she gets bad diarrhoea, she doesn't like me talking about it as it is upsetting for her. It is a medical problem, it is personal. Also she is afraid of the epipen and what it represents so we try not to worry her needlessly by refering to it too much.

It's all just blardy complicated and hard for a little one of 5.

pointydog · 01/10/2008 23:02

but if she gets as ill as that she's going to have to give some sort of brief explanation as food plays such a large part in socialising.

dd2 has had a lot of comments about eczema and scars on her body. I tell her it's no bog deal, if people ask just tell them briefly and then say 'it's a personal thing so I don't want to talk about it a lot'.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/10/2008 23:13

Thank you BC.

I'm happy to explain to folk, but when it goes in one ear and out the other it really pisses me off. It feels more like they are gawping at her than they are actually bothered about her well-being.

Beachcomber · 01/10/2008 23:13

AbbeyA I am not complaining that my DD can't have a birthday treat, nor do I expect people to cater for an allergy that they don't know exists. I just would prefer it if people didn't take it upon themselves to provide foodstuffs for other people's children. Surely there are plenty of other ways to celebrate a birthday?

I don't think sweets and food treats being brought to school to be handed out to children in a communal way is a good idea or necessary. We have a personal reason for feeling this way and I totally understand that people who don't have a similar reason to us don't feel the same way as we do.

For the record DD's teacher happens to feel the same way as we do and admits that she finds these birthdays stressful with regard to her responsibility towards my daughter. I feel bad that the teacher has to stress on our behalf but there is nothing I can do about it.

AbbeyA · 01/10/2008 23:16

The father of the boy that I mentioned really had to explain. His DS was on a controlled diet and everything was monitored and weighed, it was essential that the class knew that they couldn't give him as much as a crisp to eat.He actually did quite well out of it, the alternatives were much better than the norm!
If you don't want to discuss it with anyone why not give the teacher a few things that she can have in store and she can slip in so that it looks as if it comes from the birthday DC?

AbbeyA · 01/10/2008 23:20

I don't think that there are other ways to treat a whole class. Buying 30 pencils, rubbers or other gift is a lot more expensive than 30 small choc bars.

Soapbox · 01/10/2008 23:20

My DS used to vomit if he had chocolate but I wouldn't see that as a reason for other children not to have a treat on special occasions.

At the start of each term I gave a bag of treats to the teacher that were safe for him to have and she gave him that whenever the other children had chocolate.

The only time it was an issue is when they were opening an advent calendar with chocolate inside and he was upset that he didn't get a turn to open the door. A quiet word with the teacher later, and magically a small alternative sweet appeared behind 'his' door the following day

I really can't see that my child having an allergy to chocolate can't be dealt with in such a way that it minimises any impact on the other children in the class.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/10/2008 23:24

you mean the impact of not having a bag of sweets?

As opposed to learning/understanding and being considerate of the special needs and requirements of others?

I dont think a bag of sweets takes priority.

Beachcomber · 01/10/2008 23:29

Pointydog DD knows exactly what is going on with her and she can explain it very well. She is very careful and responsible and accepts that people have to be told about her allergies. Most people are caring and understanding and one of the first things they ask is how she reacts. This is the bit that she doesn't like talking about. She is only 5.

Also as VVVQV says very often people don't really take the information in.

Anyway I wouldn't ask or expect all the other parents to cater for my daughter in their choice of foods to be handed out (to be perfectly frank I wouldn't trust people to remember, understand the importance of label reading, etc).

I would just prefer it if the birthdays were celebrated in a different way.

However I accept that our situation is pretty extreme and not common enough to expect the rest of the class to change how they do things. I just wish our school was one of those that doesn't allow this sort of thing.

singersgirl · 01/10/2008 23:34

Precisely. If nobody handed out bags of sweets because the school didn't allow it there would be no 'impact' on any children. Children wouldn't expect to take sweets on their birthday; it just wouldn't happen and no-one would be sad. The class would sing happy birthday and the birthday child and their parents could offer all the sweets they wanted at their party.

There's only a perceived 'impact' because some schools allow this. The school DS1 went to for 2 years before this one didn't - no-one even thought about it or said "Isn't it hard on the children that people don't take in sweets on their birthdays?" We certainly didn't do it when I was at school.

I hope DS1 grows out of his reactions; they're not life-threatening, but they're not fun either, and he wants to be like his friends and eat the sweets.

snowleopard · 01/10/2008 23:35

No allergies here, but this happens at our nursery and I've been really baffled by it. I never buy DS chocolate or sweets - I never have to because there's a huge haul in his box at nursery almost every week. I don't mind him having sugary stuff sometimes, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only mum who isn't giving her child sweets to hand out, and if DS is a pariah because of it? Am I meant to? He's only 3 and tbh I'm quite surprised that it is allowed.

Soapbox · 01/10/2008 23:39

I tend to the idea that if one child in a class of 15 has an issue that is incredibly easy to find a practical solution to, then better that than change normal custom and practice for the other 14.

The not making a drama out of a crisis, kind of approach.

singersgirl · 01/10/2008 23:44

But the point is that it's not normal practice and custom for children who start in Reception. They've never been to school before. They don't go to school thinking that it must be normal to take in sweets on their birthday. Why would they? It had never occurred to me before my children started at this school.

Beachcomber · 01/10/2008 23:44

AbbeyA it is not that I don't want to discuss it with anyone.

We are very open about DD's health, we have to be to keep her safe.

Her bowels get upset when she is reacting and it is very distressing for her. She is afraid of being teased about it and therefore prefers that we don't advertise her condition to all and sundry.

We do of course provide an alternative treat for her on birthday occasions.

If she thought she was being given food by someone other than myself or immediate family she wouldn't accept it. She would say "no thank you, mummy has to check if I can have that or not". This has been drummed into her so I'm not about to undermine it by getting the teacher to pretend her treat is from the birthday child.

I can understand if people don't want to change the birthday celebration (and why should they on the behalf of one child out of 28).

I just wish our school had a policy that suited us better. I am not ranting and raving that they don't.