Save the Date Invitations

[HandmadeNanna]

When we got married we couldn't afford to have a wedding reception. This year is our 10th wedding anniversary and dh has a significant Birthday so we decided to have a big party. I sent around 40 Save the Date cards, asking for replies within 6 weeks. The theory is that most people can look at their calendars and see whether the Date is clear, thereby meaning that they can come. So far we have had 2 "sorry, can't come"; one due to ill health and being unable to travel, the other because they already have an event the same day. I have 3 yes, looking forward to the party. 35 haven't replied. I gave home address, email and phone number for replies.
I need to book a venue and catering so feeling very despondent. Do I book a table for 8 at the local pub or go ahead and book a party venue in the hope that people will respond to the actual invitation 6 weeks before the event?
It appears that even letting people know about an upcoming event, they wont commit in case something better comes up.
I appreciate that very few folk know what they are doing from one day to the next, but surely, being given a date for a celebration, I would have thought it would be something to put in the diary and look forward to. I'm sure most of our friends (or are they friends?) book their holidays abroad in advance, therefore committing to a date, so why not a party?
It is quite common nowadays to send out "Save the Date" cards.
Is it unreasonable to let people know the party date and ask for confirmation so I can go ahead and book?

This. What you sent wasn’t really a save the date, it was an invitation. It wouldn’t cross my mind to rsvp to a save the date, sorry.

The problem with a save the date is it doesn’t state exactly what you’re saving the date for (where/times, etc). So people can’t really commit. And as almost everyone has said, a save the date doesn’t require a response. You’re looking for the commitment of confirming they are coming, with no commitment from you of what they are committing to.

You’ve gone about it a bit backwards. You should have just sent out invites. Everyone has the issue of wondering who will come, this is a normal part of organising any event.

Why don't you just invite people?

The issue is that a save the date is just that. It's just a heads up and invitation will follow. You don't have to respond to a save the date. An invitation requires you to RSVP. You should have skipped the save the date and just sent the invitation.

Also - I would only really only ever save a date for a full day wedding invite. For anything else, if it fell on when we might go on holiday, I’d still go on holiday.

Agree that ‘Save the Date’ means just that; put it in the calendar and wait for official invitation.

Also, by combining two events, will people think they need to bring two separate gifts. TBH, I would have focussed on the birthday celebration, and at the event itself you could have mentioned your 10 year anniversary. Although it might mean something to you, the fact you got married 10 years ago is neither here not there to most folk; far too late imho to try for a wedding reception.

I agree with others that I'm not replying to save the dates and I want to know what I am committing to before I accept the invite.

Seeing as you Ve specifically said, you wanted to know if people would come. It is very odd that so many people did not reply or refuse to hold the date for you. I would say that these people are not your friends..

I have never known Save The Date cards to require a response.

If you’re inviting somebody to something and you need to know numbers you send out an actual invite.

Save The Dates are generally reserved for Weddings and are sent out about 9-12 months before the actual event so people can put it in their calendar before the actual invites get sent out. I have never known them to be used just for a general birthday/anniversary party and I imagine that’s the case for a lot of people.

Afterall, if people respond to their Save the Date card with a yes or no, why would you then send them out another invitation closer to the date when you already knowing whether they’re coming or not? Or were you not planning on doing that?

I understand why you thought Save The Date notifications might have been a good idea but I think it may have been your downfall and you should have just gone straight for the official invites.

However, you can’t go back in time and undo it so it’s just about how you manage the situation now.

When is the actual event?

Could it be that the date is during a period people might be away/ on holiday? If people haven’t figured out their holiday dates yet that is a reason people genuinely might not know?

I do agree with PP who say it shows a lack of commitment from you but wanting commitment from them first. I totally get about the cost of a venue, I do, but it’s a little like a cat and mouse game that you’re playing with your guests.
I think it’s about confidence. You have to have the confidence to issue a proper invitation and wait for them to respond to that. The ball is in your court.

So what you are saying is you have sent out "save the date" cards when you meant to send out invitations and are now upset that people are treating them as they "save the date" cards you sent out, instead of invitations which is not what you sent out! Hmmm....

Unfortunately I think you have muddied the waters. People who receive save the date for weddings know that they'll need to plan for what that might entail - travel, overnight stay etc. For a party? Is it afternoon, evening, all day? Where is it? How can you plan if you don't know what it is? I might say yes to a nice sit down meal but say no to a boozy disco type thing. You would be really annoyed if everyone had said yes and then when they got the actual invite decided it wasn't for them due to travel, hotels or just the type of event. You say you live somewhere where there isn't any catering - are there places people can stay overnight? I'm sorry but I think you have caused the problem.

I wouldn’t realise I was expected to reply to a save the date
i also would not accept any invitation if I didn’t know where , what , distance , costs etc of what I was committing to

No one knows to respond to a Save The Date. You send invitations expecting RSVPs. Save The Dates are just telling people what date to expect an invite for...

It was a save the date with the request to let me know so that I could book an appropriate venue. It is straightforward. I received a "Save the Date" for a wedding a while ago, asking to let them know whether we intended to go, as they had a choice of venue depending on numbers. I let them know, by return of post that we were going to attend. When we received the invitation we confirmed again, along with other information requested for additional needs etc. It isn't rocket science to work out that people nowadays are often busy and like to plan, so it's not unreasonable to ask people to save the date and get the organisers know whether they will be attending.

No, I haven't sent out invitations. They are a save a date and let me know if you will be coming so that I can book an appropriate venue.
Would you book a large events venue, then find out that only a few people can come?

They don't know what they would be potentially attending though, that's what we are saying. Everyone knows what to expect with a wedding, even if the couple haven't picked the specific hotel yet.

A party for two different events at once, venue unknown, type of event unknown is going to be difficult to get anyone to agree to.

In my experience, Save the Dates are sent out once the venue is booked. Sorry op I know it's been a pain for you but as this thread shows, most people just put the date on their calendar and only expect to rsvp once the invite comes.

Also I think it’s quite unusual to send a Save The Date for anything but a wedding.

You haven't invited people. There's nothing for them to respond to.
If everyone is expected to reply to save the date cards, then why are invitations even a thing?!

This.

I can't understand why you haven't sent out the invitation.

I've recently been invited to a party in August. The invitation tells me the venue, the time, and the format of the event. Knowing that, I have been able to make an informed decision about going. Had they said "We might be having some kind of a do on {insert date some months away}, can you save the date" then I'd put it on the calendar (as a possible, tbc when more details known) and not replied.

Would you book a large events venue, then find out that only a few people can come?

Yes. That's how hosting works. You make a list of all you'd like to invite, assume about 20% can't come, and book accordingly. If you find 40% aren't coming, then you invite some more people if you think it will make for a better event, or you think 'oh well, it won't cost as much but we'll have just as nice a time' if that applies.

This ^

For a party? Is it afternoon, evening, all day? Where is it? How can you plan if you don't know what it is? I might say yes to a nice sit down meal but say no to a boozy disco type thing. You would be really annoyed if everyone had said yes and then when they got the actual invite decided it wasn't for them due to travel, hotels or just the type of event. You say you live somewhere where there isn't any catering - are there places people can stay overnight? I'm sorry but I think you have caused the problem.

and this ^

No waters have been muddied. The cards went out to those who will need to arrange travel and accommodation.
Tell me, if you were organising a big do, would you keep it a secret until the invitations went out 6 weeks before? Yoh have booked a large venue, paid substantial deposits for catering, then you take a chance on anyone actually going? That leaves you open to a huge bill for just a few people.

Anyway, this is all academic now because I have already posted yesterday that we are going to have a small party at home with the friends & family who have had the courtesy to read the card and reply.

I suppose I should have just posted on Facebook rather than sending out lovely cards. Perhaps people would have responded in the comments.

Oh OP…if I got a ‘save the date’ I wouldn’t RSVP to it! I’d be waiting for the actual invitation! A save the date is just a ‘heads up’ thing isn’t it?

I suspect most of your friends are the same and will be quite upset that they don’t now receive an invitation after ‘saving the date’.

This is why I’ve never actually used this method of communicating an event…I’ve literally just sent invitations 🤷‍♀️

I hope you've let all the people you asked to 'Save the Date', that they are no longer invited to your 'do', so they can rub it off their calendars?

You've gone about this in such an odd way. You seem to be cutting off your nose to spite your face. You started your OP saying you really wanted a big do, and have now ended up with a few people coming round to your house, and a whole host of people being left very confused by being asked to save the date for something you've decided not to invite them too but also ending up without the big do you said you wanted.

Yes, this is how everyone books events. You book first, then invite people.

Save the dates are for weddings, IMO. You don’t save the date for something that turns out to be a ten-person house party