Son turning 7 and I'd like to say no need to bring presents to his party. Thoughts please.

[lulufox]

Hi Folks never posted before so please be kind. My son is turning 7 son and I'm really keen to put on his invitation XXXX would love you to come to his party. Please no need to bring a present, just you. Or words to that effect. I've spoken with my son about this and agreed he can get a football strip from us as a family in lieu of presents and he's up for it and I know he'd use that.

If I got an invite like this I'd be DELIGHTED but I'd be interested to know how others would feel. We still have lots of stuff he hasn't used from last year's party. I'd just love to stop the need for presents as I feel like everyone I know hates it but noone does anything to try and stop the flow of plastic!

Like I say please be kind. I've always been rather reticent to post.

Any other wording suggestions gratefully received

If everyone did it and it was the norm to celebrate the presence rather than presents, then the kids wouldn't feel they were missing out anyway.

I wouldn’t do this. He’s only 7 and it’s really exciting opening presents on your birthday at that age. I’m sure you’ve managed to convince him it will be fine but I don’t really think it is for a kid his age. Let him enjoy his birthday and let people give whatever they can. When my kids were younger some friends gave very generously whilst others turned up with just a card or bar of chocolate - no issue.

I think people often feel odd, and wrong in some way, to turn up to a party empty handed.

It goes against everything most people have grown up with. We learn that if we have an invitation to a party, a dinner at someone's house, to stay over for a weekend, etc that we don't go empty handed - even if, as adults it's a bottle of wine, flowers or a box of chocolates. That starts very early in with gifts at parties. So your battling against people's norm. They often don't even think about it - they see party, then think card/gift.

Also for lots of children, they enjoy being allowed to chose a present for their friend and it's part of the going to a party build up.

It's actually really hard to just turn up empty handed when it's what you've been wrong is the right thing to do all your life!

Also remember, present buying and big parties will stop soon ime. Often by the time they get into Key Stage 2 it is much smaller parties, going to the cinema or bowling and then some food. So the stash of presents only actually happens for 3 or 4 years at most for most children. Not many have whole class parties beyond that.

I think it would be a bit sad for it to become normal for children not to receive presents from friends on their birthdays.

I find the charity collection in lieu of presents to be deeply irritating, even though I have worked for charities and also give a lot to charity (ie am not against donating to charity at all!). I get really irritated at that on wedding invites as you end up spending money but the couple never even knowing, which seems like such a waste.

Lots of weddings I’ve been too are “your presence is gift enough” and no one arrives with a present. I think there is no harm adding this to the birthday invite, some people might still being a present. I guess the key is then making sure you don’t do any opening of said presents in front of the party as that would make people who followed your instructions feel bad.

I think lots of people are missing the point. If people always give thoughtful, well-considered gifts, it wouldn't be a problem, would it? But the fact remains that the majority of the gifts will be unwanted/unused and it's madness to perpetuate this uneccesary consumerism and waste simply so a 7 year old can have the pleasure of tearing off some wrapping paper.

I'm assuming the OP is generally mindful of waste and this is a part of her family's philosophy and general way of life rather than some isolated act she is imposing on her child, and if that is the case, then I personally think she is giving him a much bigger and more important gift by helping him to understand how we don't need a load of stuff to make us happy.

I think this will confuse people and you'll end up with all kinds of things.

Could you do a fiver party instead? Ask everyone for £5 towards a gift?

What does your son think??

I think a note saying "please do not feel you need to bring a present, we just want you to come and have fun" is fine, don't add anything about the football strip or whatever. Some people may be really pleased, others will want to bring something and by wording it this way it leaves the option open.

I'm deliberating over what to do if we marry, we really don't want presents because we have way too much stuff (both married before, not young) I'm thinking of doing a food bank collection and donations for the energy bank scheme, but worthy but I'm picky over my saucepans!

Me too!
We really don't have a large family - not the endless aunties/cousins etc that some people seem to have, nor family friends. The birthday party with friends from school was the only celebration my DCs had. I think it would be horrible if no presents for those became the norm at such a young age. My kids used to love choosing gifts to take to parties.

I like the principle but think it's a bit miserable. He's 7. Let him get loads of tat he doesn't need.

My DDs have both had lovely gifts from their friends at birthday parties. And both have really enjoyed selecting gifts for friends - it's a good opportunity to teach empathy and doing things to make other people happy, by getting them to think about what gift their friend would enjoy instead of what they want. It also gives the birthday child a chance to learn to receive a gift gracefully and how to thank a person for their gifts - all part of the teaching of good manners. I don't think it's something we should underestimate.

Ask for something specific like book tokens or Nintendo gift cards or a coin for the money box.

Some parents will always ignore the request, some will disagree with donating things to charity. Some will still probably huff about being told what to get but you can't please everyone.

We know people that have asked to donations to local animal charities or donations of dog food etc for sake and I actually think that's a great idea

I would just see this as sanctimonious and unbearably smug.

Also forces people to give a cash value sum (if a charity donation) or go buy a specific thing. Lots of people buy things through the year when they are on sale / when they have a bit of money spare or regift. Making specific requests then buggers this up.

I’ve found the best way to avoid 20-30 presents, of mostly crap/plastic, is to have a small party in the first place. I do one big class party in reception, after that, pick 2 or 3 friends and we will do something really fun. We’ve fed giraffes, been to London for the day, theme park etc. then you get fewer, and in my experience, better quality presents as the people coming are closest friends.

I would say no gifts please, then anyone that bought any could be given to food bank etc or just go for donations to local food bank

Why would you want to do this to your little boy?

Even if they had never known any different, and the treat is actually having the friends round to play, not the gifts they bring.

It's the parents that find it sad and put this on the children. The children wouldn't know any different if it wasn't for the parents.

In a world of over consumption we're not really doing ourselves or kids any favours here.

I wonder how many people who are supportive of this level of consumerism are also in support of net zero. The two things are hugely contradictory.

Some kids don't care that much about getting piles of presents. One of my nephews routinely tells people he doesn't need anything at Christmas (but I normally buy him a couple of books)

@wilson - but surely kids have friends round to play at other times, not just as a treat on their birthday. I think the problem is the ‘whole class’ party thing
with loads of children invited. This wasn’t really a thing when my 2 were that age. I think a smaller number of presents from proper friends (not just class mates) is a much better idea.

I think it's great, my only hesitation would have been that your son would fell like he's missing out but you've addressed that. I would be delighted to be told this and would hope it would set a precedent- there is way too much waste surrounding kids parties and pointless spending. I would probably bring sweets though for the birthday boy.

I think a whole class party, food, an entertainer, etc is more than enough.

Yes, exactly! The closer friends are much more likely to bring something they actually like and appreciate.