How to manage anger that your child is having another child.

[MammarOfOne]

I care for my 39 month old grandchild 3 nights/4 days a week. I love doing this. It’s been this way pretty much since birth except for a few months when mother stopped contact. I then went to court and have a court order (this was when GC was with mother and father)

My home is the only constant home that GC has ever had and she loves coming here. She has her own room and has all of our attention and love. I am disabled myself and while I wouldn’t change having GC for the world, I’m exhausted, but I do believe that it’s worth it to give GC the best life possible.

my son is the only bioparent in GC life but we do ‘co-parent’ very well. GC is very advanced and we are cohesive with her and how she is taught/disciplined.

Son got into a relationship with a single mum when GC was 20m old. Her child is a year younger than GC and is profoundly autistic. Not diagnosed yet as child is too young but it’s obvious to anyone. GF doesn’t seem to be doing anything to help him.

I’ve just found out that GF is pregnant. (Apparently an accident but i don’t know if I believe that)

I’m furious, like white hot rage furious. I can’t believe that my son would not put GC first, especially knowing what she went through.

I will not be able to look after a baby the same way I do GC but I also don’t agree with playing ‘favourites’. I lived that life and know how it feels to be not wanted and to watch cousins get to do things with grandparents, BUT I also don’t think my GC should have to suffer because of her dads poor choices. She already went through trauma as a baby and losing me and the close relationship we have would be devastating for her.

I will not be able to look after two children at the moment. If GC was older and more self sufficient it would be a different matter, I also don’t believe that they have thought about how difficult it will be to have 3 under 4 with at least one that will no doubt need lifelong care.

i can’t even talk to my son about it as i’m so angry that he’s not putting GC first and I know if I do I’ll rage and it won’t be pretty.

they don’t have room for another child, they don’t have room for the two that are living there, the GF is not a great mother if I’m honest, I’ve never seen her leave the sofa and even though I’ve tried to help her by advising her who to contact etc she doesn’t do anything about her child and his obvious disability. (He’s bigger and much stronger than my GC. He spends his days rocking, crawling around the room and smacking his head into things). GC dislikes that she has to share a room with him as he keeps her awake, she tries to be friends with him (she’s very loving) but if she tries to play with him etc he can’t/wont entertain it.

how do I work around this? I honestly don’t know what to do, my husband has tried talking to me and I just shut him down because I can’t do it. He’s very much ‘what’s done is done’ but I can’t get there because I CANNOT give the same care to another child that I give to GC while she still needs me so much, I physically can’t do it and the anger is eating me up.

Could you just ask this couple a series of pointed questions. You are a loving GM already doing way over and above for your GD, due to your son’s incapability. You have every right to be highly concerned for this baby and the existing kids because of your son‘s previous history with parenting, even if you can’t dictate the outcome (obviously). Now is absolutely not the time to hold back from pointing out reality to them.

I don’t understand why it’s sounding all on the GF to care for this baby, is your son not going to? Apart from that, how is your DF/the GF is intending to cope with safeguarding a baby if she can’t leave her sofa and her disabled son is already self injurious.?This little boy will not be able to cope with the noise and disruption of a small baby and that will obviously go very badly. Your GD will be badly affected too of course, why does her dad want that for her ? You can’t take on the bulk of parenting for two, let alone three of these kids.

You’ve been awarded a court order already so does that mean that your son in on official record somewhere as being incapable of fathering solo after your GD’s mum left?
Is that why this bulk of the week (4 nights) GD goes to you? Is his GF also considered a vulnerable adult? if they are determined to go ahead are teachers at the two existing kids’ schools or nurseries aware of how incapable these two adults are? Social services should be made aware, if they can’t safeguard a baby. Remind them they’lll have to have the baby in their bedroom for years or find somewhere bigger to live.

If your first GC doesn’t have a mother in their life currently (if I read that right?) then it won’t be favouritism to keep doing what you’re doing. There is a clear reason. You are filling a gap that your second GC won’t have. Their mother is around.

I agree that your son is very irresponsible and TBH I would pull right back on that relationship, only keeping it civil for the child.

You sound like an awesome grandparent, thank you so much for doing everything you have for your young grandchild.

Re adult son - that ship sailed ages ago, choose young children whenever you can. The rest is not up to you I’m afraid.

The question of why you have a court order is significant here.

This is a social services job if there is any question of your son being unable to care for another child.

Are you able to take on full time care of the existing GC?

Realistically this new pregnancy is unlikely to be the last. Your son is feckless and reckless. He can't kept his dick in his pants and he has no thought to consequences.

Honestly the best option is for you to take on the older child if possible and leave him to it with younger kids with a social services referral as part of it. It sounds as if he is liable to lose the other kids at some point anyway. Taking on the oldest isn't favouritism - you have not got a favourite. You have a child who is bonded and that would be in their best interests. And subsequent children you can't help and don't have a bond with. That will be down to social services.

This is a case of being able to do what you can.

I think some of the posters saying you won’t have to take care of this one are missing the point somewhat. OP’s DS is unable to take care of the child he’s got, and doesn’t seem set up to take care of this one either. So what’s to say they won’t default to OP as co parent again? The only thing that has changed is their partner.

And even if they do manage to care for it there is going to be a massive knock on impact on OP’s existing grandchild. Her dad is at home playing happy families with his new partner and baby meanwhile she’s spending half the week with grandma, and her mum has seemingly abandoned her.

To answer common questions.

GC was with me every weekend from two weeks old as both parents worked till late evenings/early hours of the morning. (Same shift). I was then asked to add an extra day at about 6 months.

I didn’t mind and I loved having her. I could see from very early on that she was neglected (social services didn’t care) so it was also my way of ensuring that she was ok.
when I was stopped contact I went to court and was granted every other weekend (they agreed that the consistency and ‘watchfulness’ was important for GC) but by then I was back to having her every weekend anyway. (I didn’t see her aug to nov. It broke me, which is what biomum wanted)

when son finally escaped the relationship he wasn’t living in a suitable place for a child so when the mother decided she didn’t want GC, she stayed here full time until son got sorted (about 4 months).

Son works Thursday to Sunday and starts at 5am. We also decided that since GC is used to the set up (she would stay here full time if it was left to her, we have meltdowns every Sunday when we take her back) that we would just continue.

Son enjoys his job and GC enjoys her time here. She has experiences that her dad can’t give her such as holidays and days out etc.

GC is looked after and loved by her dad and I do believe that GF cares for her deeply too. (GC started calling her mummy which is a whole other issue). GC doesn’t see her biomum and hasn’t once asked about her. I don’t think that she knows that she exists, she was/is a dreadful mother (4 kids total, doesn’t have any of them, I didn’t even know they existed until I went to court) and not a nice person, she neglected GC as a baby (awful nappy rash, smelly/dirty clothes etc, never showed love of affection towards GC) and while son isn’t innocent in all this he was very abused by her (physically and mentally) and still suffers PTSD because of all she did, he does adore GC.

GC doesn’t go to nursery etc (at the moment, I’m working on it) as son doesn’t trust biomum to not just turn up and take her the next time she gets a new BF (she feigns interest every few months and gets the new BF to contact son asking for access. This is always denied and they are told to apply for mediation and court) she really has no interest in GC (not seen her since jan 2025) but would take her to mess with Son.

i do believe that the pregnancy was intentional, at least on GF part. We were only discussing birth control in June and I advised getting the coil fitted (apparently she can’t have hormones) and she said that she would make an appointment. She was not pregnant mid of June as she had issues and the hospital tested.

I'm angry with both of them and they are texting me and trying to get me involved (going to appointments etc) which I’d love to do under different circumstances but I can’t even reply to the texts.

Thank you.

I’ve added answers down below.

i can’t speak to my son at the moment as im so angry.

I think that my main issue is that I know what it’s like to not have the same level of love as a grandchild.
My mums parents had VERY obvious favourites and it was very much “oh you can’t come because we have X” and I know how much that hurts.
My own mum was like that with my children, she had my sisters kids every single weekend and they got the world, my kids were pretty much ignored.

I always vowed that my grandchildren would never go through that but I also wasn’t intending on bringing up a child part time, I was looking at it as a more traditional GP relationship, tea once a week and stay over once a month etc.

i just don’t think that it’s fair on GD if I reduce my contact. She would be heartbroken (as would I), but it’s not fair on the new child also.

my husband is amazing, he does a lot of the care of GC as I am physically disabled and can’t do certain things. He is the type of person that will go out of his way to help everyone and I think that he’s worried about mine and my son’s relationship if I don’t ‘comply’. I know exactly where he is coming from and we haven’t fallen out or anything. (He isn’t my children’s biodad but he did get PR of them when they were small. He adores GC as much as I do).

Son isn’t a bad father, he was in a very abusive relationship and had no say in anything. She stopped him from seeing the family for a long time and he wasn’t allowed any input into GC, except when she needed him there if she wanted to go out. He lost jobs as she would force him to not go in as she wanted to go shopping and didn’t want to take GC etc. I’ve seen the evidence and she was really quite evil.
She also wouldn’t allow him to be involved in the court case, he didn’t even know that there was a court order until he left her. She refused all cafcass involvement and never turned up to court. GC hadn’t even seen a dr/health visitor/midwife until she came to stay with me full time. She refused all ‘interference’ and apparently social services were ok with that even with referrals. Son was beaten down and a shell (she also introduced him to drugs and he thankfully has overcome that addiction) when he eventually escaped her, he did his best at the time, which is why I’m so angry now.
He fought to get back into a good position and it was working well. I just don’t think that they have thought about what it will look like, there is a high chance that the child will have issues, GF is diagnosed autistic and ADHD and while Son hasn’t been diagnosed he is definitely on the spectrum, my youngest also has multifaceted neurological disorders and I have inheritable illnesses (wasn’t diagnosed until older or I probably wouldn’t have had children).

if new child does have issues I simply won’t be able to cope at all. I’m under no illusion of my limitations, I stretch them as it is.

also GF isn’t working and isn’t intending on doing so as far as I can see. She can get up and do things, she just doesn’t seem to do them when I’m there, when I drop off/pick up GD I spend time there too visit with my son and he spends the entire time running around after GF child and GC, I have honestly never seen her move in that house at all (I’ve only just realised this).

Sorry it’s so long. I’m ranting here instead of at my son.

i think I’m going to compose a text to him and explain my feelings. If I do it via text I can limit the anger I think/hope.

What court order do you have for your granddaughter?

Sounds like if your GD is with her dad full time because another baby has arrived, she will be neglected. In your position, as long as husband is happy, I would go for full custody @MammarOfOne. Your son is not prioritising his daughter at all, and adding another child to an already neglected toddler when he only has his own 50% does not make him a good dad. Autism and ADHD is not an excuse for being a shit parent (son's GF).

How is he affording to house all his children when gf doesn't work?

I don’t think you should have a discussion with your son, and especially not over text, until you have had some time to process this and come to terms with your feelings about the situation. You sound like a wonderful grandmother and you are quite right to be furious with situation. It sounds though like the pregnancy is still at an early stage and no immediate decisions need to be made. Have you any access to counselling or anyone who you could talk it through with in real life that is not family? You are worrying a lot about repeating history but you can still be a kind loving grandparent to the new GC without actually having to have them living with you. The circumstances are different.

Hes gone from one shitty relationship to another.

Op you sound like a lovely GM. I do think you’re being very forgiving of your ds though. I know you’re angry now, But you still talk about how much he loves GD, how he isn’t a bad dad etc. but you are very sure about what bad mums he’s around. But He keeps picking these women to procreate with. When dgd had horrendous nappy rash and dirty clothes, where was he? When he is in a house seeing a clearly autistic child bang his head and need intervention and diagnosis, what is he doing? When he knew his gf wasn’t on birth control, what did he do? I don’t think he’s a good dad at all. If his gf was achieving at this same level I don’t think you’d be as kind about her. If she lost her child for 4m to ‘get on her feet’ would you brush past it and think that was fine too? I’m not saying he’s an awful person, but he isn’t a good dad and I think it would be much more productive to be real with yourself.

if she wasn’t pregnant mid June she can’t be that far along. I would speak to them both asap, even just by txt if you can’t do it face to face or on the phone without raging, and tell them in no uncertain terms you will not be taking the new baby, you won’t help at all with the new baby. And then at least they can choose to carry on the pregnancy with that info. (Though do make sure they can’t retaliate by taking dgc away as well)
I would also repeatedly report them to SS. At least it’s logged then if anything happens.
i think you should plan to offer the same care for dgc that you do now, it’s not playing favourites because she doesn’t have two parents. And the new child will also have a sibling that doesn’t come to you either so it’s not just one ‘left out’
realistically though, when this child is neglected too are you really going to be able to stand by and watch? Or will you want to save them as well? Maybe you should look at how you and dh can get yourselves prepared for that possibility over the next year.
id probably consider getting full custody for dgc1 though because she’s obviously not in a good situation where she is and even though you’d have 3 more days, you could put her in nursery for respite. Nursery can’t just hand her over to anyone even if biomum did turn up.

If you don’t want to go for full custody I would really really push for nursery, at least then she’s not stuck in the house with them for the 3 days they have her. Someone is definitely changing and feeding her. And nursery can raise safe guarding concerns too if they have them and then it’s coming from someone else as well and you know someone else has an eye on her the days you can’t

I think you just need to let yourself be angry for a bit. Avoid speaking to your son. You don’t want to damage the relationship over things that have not actually happened.

There is a small chance these two parents will rise to the occasion. That really is all you can hope for. If they don’t, call social services.

Texting is so dangerous. There's no body language, tone of voice, facial expression etc. None of the things that really put communication across accurately. And that's when things blow up because of misinterpretation of words on a screen

Your husband is right that you risk what you have with your grandchild, if you anger your son. Can you husband speak with him if you don't trust yourself?

I would continue looking after your GD the way you are but tell your son that you expect him to look after his new baby.
It doesn’t mean that you then won’t be able to do some childcare but it should not be expected and they (the parents) need to be clear that it is their responsability to care for their new baby. Don’t commit to doing anything, otherwise it sounds like they will rely on you for more than you want.

If you struggle with the DGCs now can you imagine what it will be like when they’re teenagers? Brought up in chaos and dirt.
best would be DCs adopted into good homes but I dpubtt this would happen.

Just sounds a mess - speak to SS for advice

and be honest about your DS’s failings

Grandparents don’t have “rights” over grandchildren though, what was the court order for?

Don’t message him. Texting is a bad idea anyway but you should allow time for your understandable feelings to calm down.

You sound like a loving and doting GM that stepped in when times were tough. Well done to you and your husband.

i wanted to know, hypothetically how you’d feel if your son and his GF had the right size home and wanted your GD to live with them and their new baby and for you to regain the more traditional GM/GC relationship you referenced?

would this make you feel happy that your GC could be with her Dad and sibling (it’s hypothetical)?

the reason I ask is because, whilst you’ve undoubtedly done and continue to do a wonderful job of loving and caring for your GC, are your subconscious motivations about rectifying some of your own childhood trauma from your GP and then how your Mum treated your children?

if you don’t like the idea of the above, I’d be thinking very hard about your motivations. On the surface, of course you want what’s best for your GC, for her to have your have time and opportunities, but is your concern possibly more about the possibility of compromising the relationship you’ve built?

I agree. It’s totally irresponsible to have another child when you don’t have sufficient space and you already have another child who isn’t living with you. I’d be so furious with this too, but I wanted to share another possible angle that perhaps you feel threatened by the new GF and a family that maybe they’re trying to build where perhaps they’d want your GC back?

I have no idea - just throwing a different perspective on the situation.

It would be so very hard for GC to know that a new baby was kept and loved and GC wasn’t. Surely it’s better for them to build a strong family together where all the children are together? That’s in a black and white world though …and this is complex.

At what point do you stop counting a child's age in months? Your GC is 3 years old.

As far as I can see it, no one has asked you to look after this additional child
Maybe no one wants you to.

Hold off texting your son until you have processed the situation. They won't forget what you say.

You can only control what you do. You can't control what other adults choose to do, including how many children they choose to have.

Telling a young couple that their parenting is a shitshow and they should abort their baby is not going to go well.

When you are calm tell them unfortunately your age and health means you won't be able to offer lots of help with the new baby but you would like to keep the existing arrangements with your GC which will help them somewhat.

You don't have any choice but to let them live their lives. If their parenting is seriously substandard you can report to social services but their thresholds won't be the same as simply not reaching the standards you would prefer. Encourage them to make use of any free provision - explaining how much that will help them juggle the kids.