How to manage anger that your child is having another child.

[MammarOfOne]

I care for my 39 month old grandchild 3 nights/4 days a week. I love doing this. It’s been this way pretty much since birth except for a few months when mother stopped contact. I then went to court and have a court order (this was when GC was with mother and father)

My home is the only constant home that GC has ever had and she loves coming here. She has her own room and has all of our attention and love. I am disabled myself and while I wouldn’t change having GC for the world, I’m exhausted, but I do believe that it’s worth it to give GC the best life possible.

my son is the only bioparent in GC life but we do ‘co-parent’ very well. GC is very advanced and we are cohesive with her and how she is taught/disciplined.

Son got into a relationship with a single mum when GC was 20m old. Her child is a year younger than GC and is profoundly autistic. Not diagnosed yet as child is too young but it’s obvious to anyone. GF doesn’t seem to be doing anything to help him.

I’ve just found out that GF is pregnant. (Apparently an accident but i don’t know if I believe that)

I’m furious, like white hot rage furious. I can’t believe that my son would not put GC first, especially knowing what she went through.

I will not be able to look after a baby the same way I do GC but I also don’t agree with playing ‘favourites’. I lived that life and know how it feels to be not wanted and to watch cousins get to do things with grandparents, BUT I also don’t think my GC should have to suffer because of her dads poor choices. She already went through trauma as a baby and losing me and the close relationship we have would be devastating for her.

I will not be able to look after two children at the moment. If GC was older and more self sufficient it would be a different matter, I also don’t believe that they have thought about how difficult it will be to have 3 under 4 with at least one that will no doubt need lifelong care.

i can’t even talk to my son about it as i’m so angry that he’s not putting GC first and I know if I do I’ll rage and it won’t be pretty.

they don’t have room for another child, they don’t have room for the two that are living there, the GF is not a great mother if I’m honest, I’ve never seen her leave the sofa and even though I’ve tried to help her by advising her who to contact etc she doesn’t do anything about her child and his obvious disability. (He’s bigger and much stronger than my GC. He spends his days rocking, crawling around the room and smacking his head into things). GC dislikes that she has to share a room with him as he keeps her awake, she tries to be friends with him (she’s very loving) but if she tries to play with him etc he can’t/wont entertain it.

how do I work around this? I honestly don’t know what to do, my husband has tried talking to me and I just shut him down because I can’t do it. He’s very much ‘what’s done is done’ but I can’t get there because I CANNOT give the same care to another child that I give to GC while she still needs me so much, I physically can’t do it and the anger is eating me up.

I’m really sorry this has happened, it sounds like a horrible situation and I would be angry and disappointed and worried too. Just solidarity really.

How come you have to do do much of the parenting? Does your son have some additional needs? Is he concerned?

You sound like an amazing grandparent - I too was raised by my grandparents 5 days a week for the first 14 years of my life (due to DM and DF being not that bothered about parenting) and I owe so much to them. 95% of the best memories I have from growing up are due to my grandparents. Your GC will feel the same about you.

Whilst I agree to an extent with 'what's done is done', it doesn't stop you being furious on your GCs behalf. It sounds reckless for them to bring another child into the situation - do you think deep down the pregnancy was intentional?

This sounds like a very difficult position to be in and it must be causing a lot of stress

Can I ask why the child spends so much of the week with you?

I suppose the worry is that they may expect the same level of care when the next baby and any others that they may have.

I think you need to be realistic with how much of yourself you can continue to give and have a talk with your son about your boundaries for childcare.
It's going to be a tough conversation but it's needs to be done.

But why would you look after GC2? I suppose the mother will?
But yes your son play an easy game with his child because you take so much responsibility

Could you care for GD full time @MammarOfOne ? Sounds like her father is feckless and you would be better going for guardianship if he can't provide a safe and adequate home for his child.

Contact social services. I'm so sorry, what a pair of idiots. Especially given there's the obvious high chance that this baby may also have autism.

My PIL had the same with my SIL.

she had two kids three years apart and it became obvious that they needed support as they had SN. She ignored this and had another kid while pulling them out of school to home educate (in fairness they were not coping at school, but still).

pil stepped up and did significant childcare for the older two and took on teaching them to read etc.

then she had another kid (total of 4 now) and pil stretched themselves so much, they had a combination of the four kids over at theirs every day to give her a break and try to teach them something.

then she had another.

she’s got seven now. Three are diagnosed with autism and one with adhd. Despite the fact she “didn’t beleive in labels” - but their distress and difficulties got really bad at puberty.

unfortubately you cannot make people see sense.

you are going to have to decide whether to spread your effort between your grandchildren or focus on the one. Be aware that there may be more of them in future as well!

You absolutely cannot control what these two adults do and the choices they make. You can only control your own choices. If you can't look after the new baby then don't. They will have to make their own arrangements for childcare.

Do you care for your grandchild for half the week due to safeguarding concerns or is this a family arrangement. While you have every right to be angry is the baby’s mum
not capable of caring for the baby? It may be the kindest thing to do would be a discussion with SS

Gosh this sounds horrendous. How are your PILs now?

@MammarOfOne just to say I totally understand how you feel. You are co parenting your grandchild which is an amazing thing to do, but there is no obligation on you to do the same with this new addition.
I honestly see no reason why you shouldn’t carry on with your current arrangement and just see the new baby as you would typically see a grandchild i.e. not as a co parent.
Your GD doesn't have 2 parents but the new baby does. So a completely different situation. If those parents don't do a great job that's not up to you to resolve.
I'd be furious too, but if you focus on keeping things stable for your GD and let them get on with the rest you have still done far more than could ever reasonably be expected of you.

Firstly I would make your son aware that you are absolutely not able to offer the level of care you have for your gc to the new baby and you’ll be playing a more traditional grandparent role, rather than co-parenting. At the same time you need to let him know that as you don’t wish to appear that you have favourites you are going to have to consider whether you should be reducing the care you offer your gc to having her much less frequently. If your son is working you could also start to ask questions about how his partner will manage on her maternity with a baby, an autistic child and the increase in caring responsibility for his daughter, or you could ask questions about what sleeping arrangements will be, or if he wonders if his bills will increase with his daughter there more often. I hope that having these conversations would at least give them a reality check of what they are signing up for, and get them thinking that they need to step up.

Thats not to say I think you should jump in to reducing contact with your gc though, as I feel that would be unfair on her. You could begin to talk to her though about how she might want more time at home with the new baby etc. I also wonder if you could frame it your gc as sleeping at grandma’s is a treat for when you reach x age, and that way she understands why the baby is treated differently, and the baby knows the privilege is coming their way when they’re a bit older.

I seriously think that you have to say no and refuse care. You are doing your very best for your existing grandchild. It could be number 3 or 4 in the next few years, especially if they think there is a get out clause, ie you.

I'm sorry that you are in this position.

This.

It all came to a halt during Covid.
pils were worried about their health so it all stopped. FIL also developed pancreatitis and turn cancer so they now don’t do any childcare/education at all.

the oldest child is now 18 and is at college doing his maths and English gcse. The other six are still being home educated. I believe the plan is that they’ll follow on to the course he is doing which is a course for home educated teens who don’t have any GCSEs.

Unless they have actually said they want you to look after the new baby I think you are making assumptions. I imagine they will want to maintain the status quo. Your current GC spending so much time with you is not ‘playing favourites’ you are doing it because her mother cannot/will not, and for some reason your son cannot/will not have her full time. New baby is not in the same situation. If they do ask, you can say no.

I am sorry to hear that you experienced being treated differently by your grandparents to your cousins. How have you made sense of that now?

Is your anger coming from a fear that what happened to you might be repeated with your grandchildren? If so is there a way you can still be there for your grand daughter in the way that you have been all her life so far and accept that your relationship with any subsequent children your son brings into the family mybe different but still as loving? As families grow it can be very difficult to give everyone exactly the same relationship in terms of time and resources but it doesn't mean the love we have for our family is not as strong. What another grandchild may need from you could be different to what your grand daughter needed as their circumstances are not the same. You are entitled to be worried, upset and cautious about how things might pan out, I think your husband has a different way of dealing with things he cannot change. What could be important is that you find a way to support one another, you could be stronger together.

So sorry this has happened to you OP, in addition to the other comments here I would strongly advise you suggest to your son to get a vasectomy! If he’s not good enough to be a father and you have to do so much childcare already, you do not want him having any more! I really sympathise with you as you sound like the most wonderful GP and your GC is so lucky to have you xxx

The way you feel is completely justified. Your husband has a nerve telling you to relax about it when it sounds like you’re doing all the work for GD. Scream into a pillow and have a rant on here. You can’t care for a baby so you won’t and they’ll have to manage as best they can. If you think they’re failing as they seem to be doing a shit job with GD and the GF’s child please involve the HV if you know them and any other services you can. What a tragedy for 3 innocent children.

They will need to care for the child. Make this clear to your son. Full time.

your husband is sadly right, what’s done is done.

Have you actually been asked to care for the new baby. If you are asked just say no. Your GC is lucky to have you .

this new baby will have two parents who live together, there’s absolutely no reason why you should expect to do any actual parenting. Your existing go and the new one will have very different relationships with you. That’s not “playing favourites” it’s just circumstances. You need to let the adults make their own decisions you are not actually part of their relationship.

Will the “coparenting” arrangement continue when she starts school? Do you live very close to them?

Agree with all of this

You don’t have to take care of both, my grandmother took care of my brother as he was the oldest and when I was born I went into a childminder because she wouldn’t have been able to look after 2 children so close in age.

My brother was the obvious favourite but in all fairness he was the favourite overall, not just against me specifically.