At wits end - adult son with ADHD driving me crazy

[Wordsmith]

My 22 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD at age 17. Some areas of his life he manages well – he has a good job doing something he's great at and is confident about – but he can't organise himself, plan anything, has bad hygiene, doesn't care about his clothes, bites his cuticles until it causes permanent damage and is stuck in a permanent teenage state.

He lives at home and has a lot going for him – a girlfriend of 5 years standing who loves him (although wants him to start thinking about their future) and good friends (although a few who take advantage of his good nature). He's caring, clever and very funny. People love him.

So what's the problem? He's driving me and his dad round the bend. His job isn't 9 to 5, and when he's not working he literally doesn't get dressed and stares at his phone or TV all day. He's very overweight, eats really unhealthily at random times of the day and when we try and encourage him to be healthier, go to the gym or a walk, even do his washing up, he goes into a mood and accuses us of nagging. It's like living with a 13 year old.

Any suggestions for dealing with this? It's making me feel depressed. I switch between making allowances for his ADHD/ODD and feeling like telling him to move out.

And yes we did have lots of 20 year old men living at home. My best childhood friend still lives at home with his 80 yr old mother due to poor mental health and undiagnosed ND. We lived together at uni and he obtained a degree but couldn’t wash. it was diagnosed as schizophrenia back then but he stopped taking meds for that a decade ago and is functioning slightly better without so I suspect it was PDA AuDHD all along. It definitely happened. Difference is his mum pushed him along with it until he had a catastrophic mental health crisis and he has never lived independently since. She didn’t seek any support and he is a bit broken because of it. Most of the people seeking support here including me will go to the ends of the earth to support their kids to be correctly diagnosed and gain some independence.

Ok his parents should embrace their sons behaviour and do nothing as he cant help it.

Why should they put up with this. He's a grown man.

Infantalising to say he can't have a wash because of his issues.

I haven’t said that they should embrace his behaviour anywhere in this thread. I’ve suggested resources to help enable his independence. Wild take (and wild confirmation bias from what you want to think I’m saying) from what I’ve written in my posts 🫠🫠🫠. I take serious issue around the narrative of “infantilisation “ of pda autistic people. Educate yourself please.

If all you can say is "tell him to leave" ... I'm sorry but it's not that easy.

It sounds like you are looking for ways to change him? That's not going to happen. Whether he lives with you or moves out, he will still live like this so if you really don't want him to move out, then you just have to put up with his behaviours at home.

It also sounds like you are hoping his girlfriend will take him off your hands and that she will take on the carer role. This isn't going to be good for her and I doubt their relationship will last if they live together so I wouldn't pin your hopes on that.

Exactly. He has a girlfriend, between them they can find somewhere to live.

i expect he has been paying you something towards his keep but not market rates so he should have saved up enough for a decent deposit on a rental. If he hasn’t saved up then that will be the goal. Three months hard saving, out by Christmas.

ADHD is a disability. The word disability means that you can't do many things (the tasks associated with daily living being among the most common) that most adults are able to do - or at least you cannot do them consistently and sustainably. Just because you can't see the problem in the way you could with someone who has a "physical issue" doesn't mean it isn't real. And I put that term in inverted commas because ADHD is a physical issue - neurons etc and brain chemicals are physical things - we just can't see them so we consider it as a different category of impairment.

Yes exactly - I certainly don't enjoy the dynamic 😂

I agree that most parents understand that the goal is to create functioning adults who no longer need intensive parenting. Most of us want our kids to live successful, independent lives. I have tried everything I can to help my ND son, maybe it hasn't worked and that's why he still forgets to brush his teeth sometimes, or maybe it has worked and that's why he's holding down a job and paying rent. Maybe I'm a shit mum whose 24 year old hasn't managed some basic stuff, or maybe I'm a loving mum who has enabled her disabled son to have a life that brings him some joy, despite the fact that he can't do a lot of the stuff his peers can.

We are all doing our best at the end of the day and it's really hard. I hear you

Lovely post. One thing I realised is you have to ignore all advice and comments from people with NT children/teens/young adults. What is seen as enabling/babying is simply a necessary level of extra support due to the disability.

I don't quite understand why he can't move out OP? Clearly he can't afford to buy, but if he has a good job can't he rent a place?

100%. I have a big age gap and am now raising a NT 10 year old. Of course parenting him has challenges - but my god. It. Is. Not. The. Same. 😂 Parenting an NT kid is just different. I don't want to say it's easier because I'm mindful that we all have challenges and I don't want to minimise what others go through, but... It's not the same. I'll diplomatically leave it at that

Ditto. I have an NT 15 year old and he is so pragmatic and easy compared to the others. I have to be really careful not to assume that he can do everything because he is so capable but my god it’s refreshing.

Thanks for all the comments. I will definitely look into the PDA thing. I don't know exactly what I'm asking for help with, tbh. I know what he needs to do and how we can help him achieve it. He does pay rent (obvs not a market rate), he is caring and thoughtful, intelligent and insightful and really funny. He has a really close group of friends. Everone who knows him loves him.

Thank you to all the parents of ND adult children who understand that it's not as easy as just saying 'tell him he's got to leave'. I know he hates the way he feels, and can't control how he behaves sometimes. We talk about it a lot.
Sometimes I think we've cracked it – but then the next day he's sullen and uncommunicative.

And to those who've implied we're just enabling a lazy, fat, screen addicted man-baby.... thanks for your contribution, feel free not to post again.

That link doesn't go anywhere but think you might have posted on another thread because I just looked at the book on another page. It said on the front page that ADHD is not a disorder. What's that all about?! Very strange!

Thanks - got there in the end 🤣

If it was as simple as training ND’s to be NT, some of these ideas could work!!

😂😂😂😂

He sounds similar to my 18 yo dd, but with very different behaviours. She was recently diagnosed with AuDHD and she has a lot of anxiety based demand avoidance. The assessors didn’t think PDA. She also has ED. Her ED is anorexia and ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder), but those aren’t diagnosed as she couldn’t engage with CAMHS, then signed herself off services at 16.

Dd doesn’t know all sorts of stuff that I think she should just know. So I am having to teach her almost everything about being an adult. What helps with dd is scripting a lot of what I say and learning it, so that it doesn’t contain any hooks to cause upset. Everything is very bland. It’s very time intensive. I’d also suggest looking up Socratic questioning. This type of questioning used by therapists to elicits change without directing a client. Idk if you’ve tried it and it. So for example, you could ask him, ‘have you thought that maybe your girlfriend will get bored of x and y and decide she wants more?’ He probably won’t have done. You then can probably then just drop a ‘oh (pause) ok’ with the intonation depending on his answer. That sews a seed and just leave space to let his mind work.

As for trying to get agreements, dh and I do some of that together with her. And that also gives less wiggle room. Dd listens a lot more if it’s both of us. Not everything by a long shot.

We are using a coach to help us with this. It’s learning a whole new language.

Is he able to seek an assessment for autism? That talk with the GP could form a bridge into some key conversations for making change that do not rely on silly narratives about laziness etc. He sounds like he’s holding it together in work and in burnout at home. Not sustainable for very long.
I hope the GF does leave though. Not as any kind of punishment for him, it would be sad for them both I’m sure- your son sounds funny and nice. but just that she may be naive and kindhearted and trying to ‘fix’ him to her own detriment, and staying out of guilt, when she could be out building her own life. Been there.

Maybe Ross Greene's Raising Human Beings - it has a framework for how to bring up issues that you want to change but the child/YP is resistant to and how to find a win-win solution for everyone. It sounds a bit mad and unrealistic but IME it does help because it respects their autonomy, which most parenting advice (ie tell them more nicely, just kick him out, etc) does not because it assumes that a top down framework where you say and they do is the norm or at least the aim. And if you have a DC with oppositional/PDA tendencies that doesn't work, or if they see themselves as equal because they are an adult (rather than it being your/DH's house that you've worked and paid for and they are an adult dependent!) then it won't work, and if you do take it straight and say OK we're all adults but we don't want to share a house with you any more so bye, then that's likely to do massive amounts of damage to your relationship which you might not be willing to sustain.

With a NT child you could drop a lot of jokey hints but with a ND one the hints typically need to be so unsubtle they are like a shovel to the head.

You could try approaching it like - look we love you and you're welcome to live with us as long as you need/want but we were kind of assuming that you would WANT to move out at some point, is that in your plans at all? Just so we know, etc.

And long term it might be that you look at a different living situation e.g. something with a "granny flat" or him contributing directly to a mortgage or you agree all together that he is not yet ready to live independently but you might then have more of an idea of what the steps are to get from here to there - which always helps if he is genuinely on board and in agreement with those steps, too.