At wits end - adult son with ADHD driving me crazy

[Wordsmith]

My 22 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD at age 17. Some areas of his life he manages well – he has a good job doing something he's great at and is confident about – but he can't organise himself, plan anything, has bad hygiene, doesn't care about his clothes, bites his cuticles until it causes permanent damage and is stuck in a permanent teenage state.

He lives at home and has a lot going for him – a girlfriend of 5 years standing who loves him (although wants him to start thinking about their future) and good friends (although a few who take advantage of his good nature). He's caring, clever and very funny. People love him.

So what's the problem? He's driving me and his dad round the bend. His job isn't 9 to 5, and when he's not working he literally doesn't get dressed and stares at his phone or TV all day. He's very overweight, eats really unhealthily at random times of the day and when we try and encourage him to be healthier, go to the gym or a walk, even do his washing up, he goes into a mood and accuses us of nagging. It's like living with a 13 year old.

Any suggestions for dealing with this? It's making me feel depressed. I switch between making allowances for his ADHD/ODD and feeling like telling him to move out.

Also people won’t get ADHD, I get the sense he can just about function what he’s doing and then the rest of the time he does need to ‘veg’ in order to get the energy to ‘go’ again. I imagine if he lived on his own it would be even more chaotic. Also remember his brain may only at this stage be developed to the level of a teenager’s.

Exactly. He sounds like he’s in burnout.

I volunteer in a charity shop and we have some huge autistic/ adhd men of about 40+ years. Not going to find work now, they are so unfit. I think it’s very sad.
is he on medication if not why not
i would try to get him a ‘buddy’ of some sort to get him out exercising -maybe pay some generous person - biking, football snything, can also help shop for food
i would also look at getting a cleaner that he pays for - why not do that- takes the stress off you - cleaner ?male can come in once a week, sort his clothes etc
He will end up obese and ill if you don’t help him

I have a 14 year old with ADHD who was said by "everyone" to have ODD. I'm not sure that diagnosis is helpful and he doesn't, he's a completely different child.
Is your DS on medication? Is it the right medication? Not all adults who had ADHD as a child continue to have symptoms as adults but if they do then the right medication could help. For DS this was a stimulant plus a non stimulant.

Are you giving him things (phone contract, TV access, food, kitchen) without expectations?
If he's not setting foot outside his room, is he in a pattern of "it's too hard to do anything else" then I'd suggest the adult child version of this:

https://www.spacetreatment.net/manual-and-books

This is really the crux of it, OP. The fact he can hold down a good job but refuses to make even the most basic effort with anything else shows it’s a ‘won’t’ problem rather than a ‘can’t’ one.

I have no experience of ODD, which, as you say, seems to be the main issue here, but DS has severe ADHD and mental health struggles. The difference is he recognises how this affects his behaviour (after many years of frustration, stress and arguments), and in turn how that impacts everyone around him, so he tries really, really hard to manage and overcome his condition. We also continually educate ourselves in the best ways to support him to do that. We’re very fortunate that he’s now happy, and in a successful career and relationship.

Sadly I think you’re right to worry that your DS will lose his girlfriend. Even if he eventually agrees to set up a home together, how long will it last until she just refuses to deal with his laziness and filth? It’s just all the same problems in a different location.

Are you signed up to any parenting groups, societies or information websites? We found YouTube invaluable, as there are quite a few neurodiverse creators who post about their struggles and the ways in which they set themselves up to succeed. There are always strategies that make life feel more manageable, but the key will be to get your son to recognise and acknowledge that his life will always be limited (and potentially lonely) unless he starts to take responsibility for himself and grow out of this state of permanent adolescence.

This is really good advice and something that I've had to work quite hard on. That is part of what makes it so hard with an adult child - the realisation that you can't make them change, or make them do much of anything really. I'm trying so hard to accept that but it is difficult. Sometimes I can just accept that he is who he is and that's ok, life doesn't look the same for everyone and it's not for me to determine the 'right' way. Other times I really struggle and feel guilty/ responsible/ sad/ angry - all of the emotions.

I've had therapy to help me deal with it @Wordsmith . It helped to some extent. I think you would find it easier to process if your son did not live at home. It's much easier to accept that adults make their own choices which we are not responsible for when you're not also washing their pants for them!

Is the girlfriend "saving up for a house" and thinks he is too? She maybe undermining your move out messages.
Can he afford rent locally? Can you fund a deposit and first months rent?

Yeah right. I wish it was that easy. 🙄

ADHD/neurodiverse people don't happen because parents 'haven't tried hard enough'.

Such a trite point of view. Some people's brains are wired differently - whether you approve or not.

Agree @anonymous0810people are coming at this from a NT lense … @WordsmithI really feel ODD is often not the case it’s PDA, I can’t diagnose from here but he may well be autistic too. I have an 11 year old autistic daughter whereas academically she is beyond her peers, she needs a lot of scaffolding, for example during the summer hols where mentally shes probably in a better place she can take better care of herself, but we are away at the moment and she finds the noise overwhelming so my scaffolding would be to ensure she finds quiet times during the day to have to time to herself.

I think his gf of 5 years needs to stop trying to plan a future with a very overweight, phone addicted, lazy man.

Perhaps it would be a kick up the arse if she dumped him. Don't move them in together...she doesnt deserve it.

If your ds has adhd then id expect a bit more understanding and empathy towards the fact that her ds has probably reached his window of tolerance holding down his job. He may be masking all day and in total burnout at home. I really wish people wouldn’t take such a simplistic behaviouralist approach to ND. It’s exhausting.

I am ND, work full time and do overtime and I still manage to clean myself every day. It's disgusting to have bad hygiene. He can still clean himself. There are so many ways of achieving this. DUBBI has a body doubling app that can help with chores and all kinds of things like getting a shower and brushing teeth. There are ways to do all sorts with technology these days so he has no excuse. Got to work with what you have and no I don't have internal ableism. I just believe in working with yourself.

You meet one ND person, you have met one ND person… your lived experience does not negate his. You can’t possibly know what he is or is not capable of or what stage of burnout he is in. That’s not to say it doesn’t need to be addressed.

I think both ND and NT people confuse reasons with reality when they support / excuse this kind of behaviour.

This young man has his reasons for the way he is and he may not be able to help those reasons. But that doesn't change the reality of his situation. The reality is he is hugely overweight, slovenly and has very poor personal hygiene, he is addicted to his phone and screens and exclude social contact because of it.

His reality will be that either his girlfriend will leave him once they move in together as she finds, she can't live with him. And he will never be able to find a relationship should he want one. Because no one will tolerate the way he is. That leads to a lifetime of social isolation.

That's his reality however valid his reasons are.

I think instead of constantly explaining the reasons why, some attempts should be made to support this young man to change. The reasons don't change reality.

Is anyone saying anything different?!

Pretty much yes. That he is some helpless kind of baby.That is incapable of changing is what many people are saying and leave him the way he is.

Theres becoming a narrative that nobody who is neurodiverse, is ever able to develop coping strategies or strategies for managing their life.

They have their challenges like everybody else.And it's been suggested that I may be ND but I can't tell if it's neurodiversity or if i'm just messed up and half potential emotional and developmental issues from a severely abusive and impoverished childhood. That's why I haven't gone down the diagnosis route.I don't think it will add anything.

I think dropping the narrative that nobody with any of these challenges are able to development strategies for navigating life would be helpful for a start and stopping making do many excuses⁸

I totally agree that most people, ND or NT, can make changes in their lives - to a certain extent, and if they want to.

What is hard about adult children is that mum and dad can't force the changes. Presumably the OP has spent many many years trying to support her son to change/ develop/ grow/ discover coping strategies. At a certain point parents run out of those kinds of options and it's really up to the individual. I think that's what people are saying, or certainly what I'm saying. Not that he can't change, but that he can't be changed.

Spot on. I’m in this situation at the moment with an adult pda child (20) who is struggling with basic self care but is putting everything he has into trying to get a degree. It is a constant tension between scaffolding and supporting whilst not being the total driver for everything in his life. So for example, sitting with him and helping him check his emails rather than doing it for him. Many people may see this as treating him like an adult baby but I am scaffolding a ND person in burnout who is sitting in constant shame try to achieve something. I’m also getting a psychiatrist appointment to try and sort his medication and paying for an executive function coach as currently his executive function is non-existent. We also follow the principles of the NVR SPACE programme as outlined by Eli Leibowitz.

it is way way too simplistic to attribute his level of function currently to helicopter parenting/babying/laziness and it’s actually offensive to those who are living it. I can promise you that most parents of these children will have been to the depths of despair and tried everything to help their kids be more independent rather than enjoying the dynamic as some on here would imply. It is exhausting and all consuming and for those of us living it not something for others to be flippant about - I’ve just spoken to a friend in the same situation who has barely been able to leave the house for a year because her 19 year old child is actively suicidal.

This 100%

That is terrible for your friend who cannot leave their house. But they have to leave their house. Their child is holding them ransom. Again I don’t say that unkindly. I’m sure their child is really struggling but your friend is enabling the behaviour. I am not trying to be unkind. And for those of you saying I know nothing about adhd or autism - actually I do. Both professionally and personally. But we need to stop infantilising these 20 year olds. If they can hold down a job and have adult relationships, they can learn to live independently.

They have been abandoned by the pitiful mental health services that have been defunded for decades. You are being extremely simplistic here.

Your language about someone with active suicidal ideation and PDA holding their family to ransom is offensive. If you haven’t lived it you have no idea. Which part about window of tolerance did you miss?!?

Ok but decades ago we didn’t have endless 20 year olds living at home and their parents feeling guilty about imposing boundaries because of adhd diagnoses did we?
look we’re not going to agree and that’s ok. But this son is, consciously or not, taking his poor mum for a ride and she’s the one feeling guilty. And society has enabled children who find some aspects of life a bit difficult (because don’t we all at times?) to feel that maybe it’s because they have x or y and therefore they don’t need to try to work on themselves.

I’m not trying to be offensive.
I think your friend is in a horrible situation. And I actually have experience of suicide in my family and suicidal ideation. But yes, I do think, in a way, your friend is being held to ransom. Poor mental health can make the sufferer incredibly self absorbed. That doesn’t mean the sufferer doesn’t deserve help. But it does mean we shouldn’t pander to it.

Yup. Totally ableist.