At wits end - adult son with ADHD driving me crazy

[Wordsmith]

My 22 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD at age 17. Some areas of his life he manages well – he has a good job doing something he's great at and is confident about – but he can't organise himself, plan anything, has bad hygiene, doesn't care about his clothes, bites his cuticles until it causes permanent damage and is stuck in a permanent teenage state.

He lives at home and has a lot going for him – a girlfriend of 5 years standing who loves him (although wants him to start thinking about their future) and good friends (although a few who take advantage of his good nature). He's caring, clever and very funny. People love him.

So what's the problem? He's driving me and his dad round the bend. His job isn't 9 to 5, and when he's not working he literally doesn't get dressed and stares at his phone or TV all day. He's very overweight, eats really unhealthily at random times of the day and when we try and encourage him to be healthier, go to the gym or a walk, even do his washing up, he goes into a mood and accuses us of nagging. It's like living with a 13 year old.

Any suggestions for dealing with this? It's making me feel depressed. I switch between making allowances for his ADHD/ODD and feeling like telling him to move out.

Well he’s an adult with a good job - why isn’t he moving out? Sounds like it’s time!

Sounds like he needs to move out
I am amazed he has a gf with the bad hygiene.

I have ADHD and I cannot abide being unclean or filthy.

Just an idea - if he wants to lose weight then Mounjaro has been found to have a really positive effect on people with ADHD. Worth a try?

Can you rephrase it so it doesn't resemble nagging? I'd say things like; 'Do you have 2 minutes? I want to ask you something.' Get him down into the kitchen and then say in a very pleasant voice: 'Please spend just two minutes washing that pan. Thank you.' And hand him the washing up brush.

Discuss how hard it is to manage self care with ADHD, and ask how you can help with hygiene and fitness.

With DS, I'd do things like: run him a bath after work and tell him to relax in it for half an hour before dinner. Add bath gel so even if he doesn't properly wash in it, the soap will have some effect.

Ask him to keep you company on a walk or bike ride or swim so it seems like a favour to you, not a push for him to get fitter. Or if he would like help getting fitter, agree a plan with him of 5 minute handweights sessions. It's getting started that is hardest. If he does 5 mins of weights with you, he's likely to pretty soon be happy to do more. Find an online free fitness trainer who is a man his age, who looks a bit like him or has ADHD - someone he can relate to.

He’s an adult with a job.

i have an adult dd living at home. She does her own washing, cleans or not her own room and bathroom and sorts her own food (has half of the fridge and two cupboards).

I don’t whinge about her room cleaning and she doesn’t whinge about mine.

it’s not your job anymore to nag and whinge at him to lose weight/clean teeth etc. just stop

He does do his own washing. He cooks his own meals because he won't eat vegetables, and we eat healthily. Room is a dustbowl, and he lives mostly on takeaways. He is responsible for all of that and rarely does it. When things go wrong, as they do, I want to help him. I'd love him to move out. I'm trying to encourage him to save regularly, but he spends everything. I know he should be able to do all of this, and he wants to. But he needs help. I would like to hear from anyone else who's felt like this. If all you can say is "tell him to leave" ... I'm sorry but it's not that easy.

Thanks CypressMoon, I have tried all of that but he resists. I think it's probably more the ODD than the ADHD.

Short of being told “You need surgery for this, but you can’t have it until you lose two stone”, I don’t think anyone can make another person lose weight, until they want to?

I would encourage DS to move out though, if I were you. Why should you have the last part of your life affected by his mess and disorganisation?

(Speaking as someone on a diet, with a DC with ADHD and was told by their mental health services to get them to move into a flat, for our own wellbeing)

I feel it!!! My adult son (24) is AuDHD and drives me up the wall with worry, exasperation and love and anxiety all mixed together.

My son has many of the same challenges but doesn't have a good job or a girlfriend. He's been working in a job he hates for a few years and can't seem to move on to the next stage. He does live independently a few hours away which is a million times better for us both than when he lived at home. It intensifies my worries but overall it's the best move.

I know you don't want to do it but we did tell him he had to move out, not in a punitive way but kindly and with love. It helped that he desperately wanted to move out as well. In the end I gave him 1 months rent and deposit in a house share and told him that was the last money of mine he'd get 😁 it was the best £600 I ever spent to be honest

*Disclaimer - it was not the last money of mine he'd have, but he's been remarkably good about paying rent and bills and has only needed help a couple of times

Thanks @AmethystDeceiverTo be honest I'm beginning to understand that the biggest issue for us is his Oppositional Defiant Disorder, which was diagnosed at the same time as his ADHD. All the suggestions people have made in this thread, we have tried. But he refuses to cooperate. I am feeling incredibly low about it at the moment. Occasionally I think we're getting somewhere but behavioural changes, new routines and so on are never sustained beyond a few days. We have talked to his older brother about it (he lives in a different city) and he sometimes discusses it with him, but again it never lasts. My nightmare is that his girlfriend leaves him as she gets fed up waiting for him to grow up.

DD isn’t diagnosed but very similar issues and frankly, nothing so far has worked. She ended up moving out but hasn’t moved out really, she just seems to be expanding her reach between two households now.

I’ve never figured out a way to make her interpret it as anything other than nagging.

This is going to sound unpopular, but I'd start with assuming he will not change. Not unless he wants to, and it sounds like that's not the case now. If he continues the way he is, what else can you do (rather than trying to 'fix' him)?

My adult son has ADHD. I find he can cope with his full time job but everything else becomes overwhelming for him. He's very chaotic and really struggles to plan. I noticed a huge difference when he was taking his medication but he's stopped it. I tend to have to clear his space for him so he can feel more organised. I will do his washing as that's something he never keeps on top of which leads to more chaos! I've encouraged him to use a paper calendar to remind him of tasks. I have to remind him every few days to check his emails etc. It's much harder as they get older to help them manage. I don't think people realise that ADHD really does impact on functioning and it's a genuine struggle not a choice or being lazy.

you need to seperate the odd and adhd diagnosis from the fact that your son is lazy immature and phone addicted.
sorry not trying to be unkind but in a way I think all these endless diagnoses are unkind in a way - they set a culture of low expectations and children just aren’t growing up.

I don’t disagree with this.
OP, the only way anything is going to change is for your DS to stand on his own 2 feet. You say he has a job - what does he do? If he’s holding a job down then he can clearly follow some sort of routine and structure, as well as complying with rules in the workplace. You need to give him a deadline and stick to it. ‘Hey DS, it’s time for you to stand on your own 2 feet and move out. You’ve got 3 months and if you need help finding somewhere just ask’. Any keep that he’s paying you could be saved towards his deposit for a flat. It’s time for tough love.

Honestly it sounds as if you’re all slightly stuck treating him as a teenager. He’s an adult and can make his own choices about food etc. I think working towards him moving out would help you all- he’d need to stand on his own two feet more and you wouldn’t feel responsible for his diet and tidiness etc. I appreciate that as mums we always worry but the current dynamic sounds like it’s helping no one.

Tell me you know nothing about ADHD without telling me…

op we are in a very similar situation. Nobody chooses to be this way. I do think ODD is an outdated diagnosis as it implies “won’t” rather than “can’t”. Until you have seen an adult struggling with this level of executive function then you wouldn’t believe it.

loads of great resources for PDA online - even on Instagram. I’m sorry - I know how it feels. Try to protect yourself from burnout if you can.

Start charging him rent, doesn’t need to be market rate but something that is collected after he’s paid. Then without telling him save this money or a portion of it to one side to help him save enough for a deposit.
unless you want him there forever he needs to start growing up, but why would he do that if he can’t live at home doing what he likes.

This!

Is his girlfriend enabling him too?
Honestly I fail to see why a young woman is in a long term relationship with a young man who is very overweight with bad hygiene and his bedroom is like a dustbowl where all he does is eat takeaways.

And she wants to talk about their future together??

Sorry op, I hope she runs a mile. It might wake him up a bit.

I agree with pp, I think you have infantislised your son too.

You need to speak to DS as an adult and stop trying to fix him. Ask him how you can support him in his "good choices" or changes he wants to make but emphasise that change is needed if he is to continue living at home and he must lead with the change, otherwise he needs to look at rentals. It's time for tough love if you want him to be successful in life.

Is he on ADHD medication? I struggle to avoid impulse eating without it. I am also vastly better organised with it.

Do people actually believe that narrative?! “Why would he want to change if he can live at home doing what he likes”?

honestly it’s frankly a bit thick. Nobody “chooses” to be vastly overweight, unhealthy, struggling with day to day functioning. We have let this pervasive story become entrenched and it just needs a sense check - people like this have a condition that affects everything to do with functioning like a healthy, productive adult - not for fun 🙄🙄. For the love of God do some research.

all this to say - you can’t be the engine behind your son. You need to scaffold, support and get any help available to help transition responsibility for day to day living to him. It won’t be easy but it is possible.

I would throw money at the problem if possible. Can you offer to pay deposit/first months rent for him and gf to rent somewhere together?

Sounds like to me it’s not ODD but PDA, do you also think he could be autistic ?