I was so relieved that DS felt he could talk to me early on. Although I was furious with him when he wasn’t attending lectures I realised it was much more than just enjoying the student life too much. He’s really funny now because when I ask him about his mental health he just dismisses it, which to me is a sign that his brain is now operating normally. He wasn’t aware of his behavioural changes which is often the case with depression.
Most young adults assume depression is just feeling sad which it isn’t. Felling miserable is just feeling miserable. Depression is like being a functional alcoholic, to the outside world you are managing but with some odd behaviour. With depression it’s easy to mask what is actually going on in your head and it can be really frightening coping with your inner voice. I had post natal depression and learned a lot about how depression really feels. I also understand how it’s so easy to miss the signs in young adults with tragic consequences.
Don’t be too hard on your DS. At least he has admitted he has been struggling. I missed the early cues with DS because I was deep in bereavement. It was very triggering for DS since my DSis had had breast cancer in her 30s and had been cancer free for nearly 20yrs. The cruel thing was that the cancer that killed her was unrelated. It has been difficult reassuring DS that it will hopefully not happen to me. Of course I can’t really make that promise.
Hopefully your DS will now be able to talk to you about what has been going on. You may only have a small window of opportunity when he feels ok about talking. Often once they have “sorted” it out with you and a solution has been found the panic and stress lifts and they start coping again.
One of DS’s flatmates has been working this year because he failed his first year, didn’t realise that he’d missed one of his retake modules so was unable to continue this academic year. He has been able to sort it out and restarts in Sept but he still hasn’t told his parents. I know DS’s other flatmates quite well, they are longterm friends from home and suggested that it may be a good idea to try and get him to open up. It’s easier for them to help DS because they know his behaviour isn’t normal for him.
When they were moaning about the other flatmates behaviour and explained his situation I did suggest that he may be struggling with depression. They agreed and have tried to give him a bit more support. Boys are a bit black and white, if someone isn’t pulling their weight with housework they don’t consider it is down to mental health problems.
Depression in young men is still a big problem because of the different way they interact with each other. They rely on social media so much and are unaware of the reality of depression and the signs and symptoms in each other. I will be eternally grateful to DS’s friends who have been a huge support for him this year. DS has also supported them in return. When I’ve asked them to watch him they have acknowledged that they were aware he was struggling. They haven’t given up on him, it’s so easy to ghost a friend who is being a fun sponge, instead they have organised activities to help him, and perhaps themselves. Most of all they’ve made sure he leaves the flat and forced him to socialise.
The biggest sign things are improving is that he’s met a girl and is building a relationship. He’s never been short of girlfriends but has struggled to connect over the last 12 months. Because he couldn’t be bothered with himself he couldn’t be bothered with anyone else. Unlike other girlfriends he’s keen to talk about her and she doesn’t seem to have any hang ups. Even though they only spend a couple of days a week with each other, because she’s on placements at the moment, it seems to be a healthy relationship.