Thread 56 – Covid GCSE Cohort – Spring 26 – Yr 4 Uni and Graduates

[crazycrofter]

The old thread has filled up and no one noticed - I think we're missing @oblomov26 sharp eyes!

I've tried to tag in everyone I can think of, but apologies to anyone I've missed!
@shimy @endlessdistraction @justherewithmypopcorn @mummyinbeds @aslockton @oubliettebravo @craggyrat @anothernewname460 @ealingwestmum @ewwsprouts @seeline @piggywaspushed @nctdn @icanbewhatiwant @comefromaway @heifer @kingscotestaff @delphigirl @zebracat @cantonet @socks1107 @blinkbonny @anneofcleavage

We made it to France and back. The ds’s looked after the dogs. Ds1 is still refusing to speak to me at all. But at least he walked the dogs! France was very wet!

ds2 handed in his last 2 essays and dissertation. So he’s finished. I think he is coming home at the weekend. He’s refusing to go to graduation which is a shame. He still hasn’t applied for a PGCE so I’m not sure what is next.

Glad the holiday went well @icanbewhatiwant !

Great news @icanbewhatiwant - glad you were able to get away!

Ds came back at 11.30 last night just for a day ('Mum, can I come home tonight as I've just realised I've got a shift at Tesco tomorrow...') with a long list of things that have gone wrong: broken phone, broken laptop, missed deadline due to submitting work in the wrong format, work that was marked as a first but penalised for late submission, module selection deadline missed for next semester and there was probably more..! His girlfriend was upset with him as she didn't want him to drive home last night on so little sleep - he'd stayed up until 7am yesterday morning to submit an essay, then had about 3 hours sleep and gone cliff jumping with his friend in the Peak District. I'd have told him not to drive back on so little sleep too if I'd have known - but then I also know that if he'd stayed in Nottingham last night and driven to Tesco from there, he would have been late for work, as he's not good in the morning.

He's realised this year how much he struggles with admin and deadlines and general organisation.... I could have told him that! Somehow he gets things done, but I hope he improves over the next two years!

That's a lot of juggling @crazycrofter, good that his gf is looking out for him, even from the sidelines, and that he manages his timelines better. Some of us just operate at our best like that but that's no consolation for the worry it causes!

Yes @ealingwestmum , it's the only way he operates - he's classic ADHD really, needs the dopamine hit of an urgent deadline, but he's also not good at judging the passage of time.. I do worry that managing admin and deadlines in France next year might be one step too far, but I guess he might learn some new skills there as a result.

@icanbe lovely to hear that things were smoothly managed by your ds even if he's somewhat grumpy.
I hope you had a good holiday?

@Crazycrofter that all sounds very familiar.

My news isn't good & I didn't want to sully all the positives. But ds will not be graduating this year.
He asked for so many extensions that the uni said he will have too much work to complete. So they've offered him a repeat year or keep the marks from the first half & repeat the 2nd half pieces of work/exams from home. The second option of course means he will be able to work as well. When he told me all this of course I was incandescent with fury, as he's been avoiding speaking to me. The following day I'd calmed down, but DH still doesn't know. He's been managing up to now at nearly a 2.1 but wasn't coping with the dissertation. Yes, he has pretty bad ADHD & dyslexia but also refuses to take his meds regularly which doesn't help. He had to take them every day for his A levels and they made a huge difference. I don't know whether he'll be able to do the job in dh's business now as he needs a degree for that.
I'm 62 & DH is 73 and I'm beginning to wonder how long this education business will be going on for.
Especially as dd is doing architecture ( big changes afoot there with AI), Ds2 has just changed to engineering and starts at the beginning again. Enough of my misery ...

Lovely to hear that things are going well for your family @Delphigirl. Your dd sounds very focused and she's obviously found something that she thoroughly enjoys.

Hello all and thanks for tagging me @crazycrofter . I've been snowed under and still am but thought i'd take a break in this heat. I'm sure i've missed lots of news. Lots of sympathy @cantonet at finding out about DS's situation. I'd be truly gutted, not because he has to repeat but because it took so long to come to light. At least he's spoken up now, unlike a family friend who flew in from abroad for his ds's graduation and only found out on his first night that the son wasn't going to be among the graduands at all. I think a yr extra to sort out his dissertation is a good course of action for him. He really needs to be taking his meds though. DS2 absolutely hated it and confessed that when he was younger, he used to hide his tablets under any cracks in the skirting boards he could find. They do make a huge difference. I think the sooner he tells his DD the sooner he'll be able to know if he can still do the job. It might not be relying totally on him getting his degree if they are already satisfied with him.

Oh @Cantonet i understand the disappointment and upset but don’t be angry with him. He is probably feeling upset and also a bit ashamed that he hasn’t coped with it all. He has stuck his head in the sand but has now faced up to it, that’s hard to do.

I know it’s easy to say but I’ve been there too, it won’t be the end of the world. Thinking of you all

Also BIL is a professor at a prestigious university, he says students often don’t tell their parents when it’s going wrong, sometimes for years .

Oh dear @Cantonet that sounds stressful and disappointing- but at least all is not lost/wasted and he should still be able to graduate next year. This is my fear for Ds- he does everything last minute and I can totally see that backfiring when it comes to his dissertation. He won’t take medication either 😩 Sorry for the impact on you though. I’m 50 this year and looking forward to being free of dependants by my mid 50s. It must be hard to have it drag on so long.. One day you will be able to look back with relief when it’s all worked out ok in the end 🤞

@Cantoneti am sure he will do ok in the end. I’ve said on here many a time that ds2 is always leaving everything until the last minute, starting essays just before they are due etc. I hope you can break the news to dh. My dh is quite a bit older than me, he’ll be 70 next year. Ds3 is due to start uni next Sept. Dh keeps moaning at all the uni years. If ds2 applies for a PGCE and does that Sept. and ds3 goes to uni next year, we will have had one at university for 11 years in a row. Dh has older dc’s and when he met me he said he wasn’t having any more 😂

I’m almost certain that Ds won’t be graduating either. I suspect he will just take the Diploma of Higher Ed & not repeat the written work.

it is frustrating, but no education is ever wasted.

Just to add @Cantonet I failed my dissertation & got a Pass. I was way in over my head and had an absolutely rubbish supervisor who sometimes didn't show up to our one to one meetings. Crap uni no chance to redo anything or any chance of extension (i'd have taken those options if offered). I went on to do a PGD elsewhere and thoroughly enjoyed it. I was so demoralised by the degree. Then did a Masters years later. It all works out in the end, so there's hope.

@Comefromaway Sorry to hear your ds is struggling too. There's still a lot he can do with the Dip of HE if he wants to further his studies.

Hopefully that won’t matter for the career he’s pursuing @Comefromaway ?

Haven’t been on the thread for a while but DS is from the same years. Cancelled GCSEs, lost his way a little, had a gap year to have an op on his shoulder, work and to recover from a series of family events that would have most experienced adults shaking in a corner.

He breezed through his first year at uni. Unfortunately during his first term my DSis, his aunt , was diagnosed with terminal cancer, very out of the blue. We thought he’d handled it well but he spiralled down and by the beginning of his second year was struggling.

Although he reassures me that he wasn’t suicidal, he rang me up at the beginning of November and admitted he couldn’t bring himself to leave his flat. His exact comment was “I don’t want to be here”. He wasn’t referring to uni or his flat. I asked if he wanted to come home and after a chat with Wellbeing at uni, he decided to stay and try and sort himself out. He said that coming home wasn’t going to change anything and he needed to work on his mental health.

He could have suspended his course but wanted to have the option to catch up if he sorted himself out. He has sorted out his mental health but will fail the year. Hopefully, as a result of reaching out to his tutor and explaining the background, they will let him continue.

He was such a happy go lucky teenager. Focussed, high achieving and motivated. Two weeks before he started 6th form I was diagnosed with breast cancer, just as I was finishing treatment my DH had a serious stroke, DS witnessed it and went through the stress of wondering whether he’d recover. It was still covid rules and we weren’t allow to see him while he was in hospital. It didn’t help that his grandfather had had a catastrophic stroke 10mnths earlier so neither of us was optimistic about the outcome. DH made a good recovery but is not the same.DS had had to become the “man of the house”. Then my FIL died ( DS grandfather after 18mnths of being bed-bound and unable to talk ( the result of the stroke).

DS then sustained a shoulder injury that pretty much ended his rugby playing. He persevered but couldn’t play to the level he was capable of. After surgery he was tentative about playing again, he did return but still struggles with his shoulder. He wanted to play for uni but it just wasn’t on the cards. Then we were hit by the news about my DSis.

DS referred to the last 4 yrs as one “adrenaline bomb” after another and admitted that he was drinking too much because it helped him block out the constant fear of what was coming next.

He has worked hard on getting his fitness back. Has played rugby regularly with his local home team and has been enjoying some hill walking with his house mates. They are party animals that enjoy a view.

He was very low at Christmas and very irritable. By Easter we saw a return of our happier DS. And he has been at home this week while working for a friends dad to earn some money for a road trip he’s taking with a couple of friends next month.

All of his friends seem to have had mental health problems. If you met them you wouldn’t expect it of them. They are a friendly chatty bunch who, on the surface seem to have everything going for them. But I think the pandemic had a lasting effect on their social development and particularly their trust in the academic system.

It would be very easy to lose patience with DS. He’s bright and capable but seems to be stuck on pause this year. As a family we’ve all struggled but maybe in my own grief I missed the signs that everything was going wrong for DS. I thought that because he’d coped so well with everything that he was OK.

I am pleased that he didn’t come home but decided to sort out his demons with the support of his friends. They have been fantastic and have spoken candidly about their concerns. It’s as a result of their reassurance that I haven’t insisted that he came home.

At one point I’d convinced myself that he had undiagnosed ADHD because of his reluctance to start anything but I now realise that it was more likely to be depression. I realise that my behaviour over the last 18 mnths has been the same. Post bereavement hopelessness and total lack of motivation to live life.

I now realise that lack of motivation and idleness is often the result of the fear and hopelessness we go through after a bereavement. Basically you can’t be bothered and it is paralysing at times.

That sounds so stressful for you all @Cantonet. I get what you mean as we are older parents too - i'm 59 soon - and I worry so much about DS failing to start adulting and begin his life properly as we wont be around for ever. Both my parents died pretty young and we have no close family that are any use to help him.

It's when they don't tell you what's going on. That's the worst bit. You can't help or advise if you don't know. We thought DS had far more saved for going back to uni for PGCE or Masters next year than he actually had. This week it came out he had gone through far more money at C than we realised- I think he had felt he had to keep up with people who have much more money than us and a very different lifestyle. He was in tears when we went through things this week saying he had been too scared to check how much money he was spending. He's not in debt but had used extra money DGPs had given him. Words were said. Spreadsheets created. But with our health and age and my job uncertainty the worry is huge.

I hope your DS has a good year coming up and turns it all around.

@Crwysmam hello! Gosh that is so much you've all been through. I'm another breast cancer survivor and my DH has a traumatic head injury from his time in the police and such things affect DCs in a way I hadn't really realised until recently. And the rugby injury must be devastating too. I really hope all our DCs have a smoother time in front of them than a lot have had recently.

I’m sorry to hear of the struggles that some of our DC are having. I agree that covid has had far reaching effects. The messaging from the government seemed specifically designed to use fear to control behaviour. Which amounts to population-level psychological experiment. Presumably without any ethics safeguards built in.

DS did his final second year exam yesterday. It was his least favourite subject (phys chem). He says it went “better than expected” so that’s a relief! He says he’s going to switch to doing medicinal chemistry - which will mean he doesn’t have to do advanced phys chem next year. Probably wise. I find this interesting. My undergrad degree is in chemistry, but my PhD is in biochemistry. I drifted in the same direction as DS (although there was no option for me to drop phys chem - 2 of my 8 finals papers were in that subject). He’s staying up in Newcastle for another week or two. He said he might get the metro out to the coast as the weather is so nice.

Gosh @Crwysmam my troubles seem so trivial to yours.
You've been through so much as a family. So many changes & absolute body blows. Also the injury & not being able to play Rugby must have badly affected your ds's sense of self & confidence and yes mental health.
I hope your ds & family have a calm uneventful forthcoming academic year🤞🏼
Thank you for all the positive encouraging messages. This part of MN is such a wonderful supportive community. Whats happening with ds is a repeat of what happened with my brother many years ago. He went no contact with family & my parents excoriated him at the time . I realise now he had ADHD & he subsequently became very successful.But his life has been dogged by massive triumphs & equally massive downs. His mental health is still fragile & he frequently goes no contact with us . We don't see his children any more and he doesn't attend family meet ups. I think he suffers burnout & feels ashamed. I don't want that to happen here with ds .

I need to sit down & have a proper chat to Ds & figure out how to tell DH. He's going to be overseas for weeks so it's difficult. He's also retiring shortly and taking on a part time role. So his life is in flux at the moment too. Ds & Dd1 visited my parents yesterday on the way to the Lakes. My Mum knows about ds but she told me not to tell Dad, as he's very frail & we didn't want to upset him. Life seems to repeat itself generation after generation.

@Crwysmam your family has been through so much and it’s no wonder your Ds has struggled. It’s good to hear he’s improving- wishing him (and you) all the best!

@OublietteBravo it’s interesting how many people do end up following similar paths to their parents!

@Cantonet these things are genetic so it does make sense that similar patterns happen in each generation. I worry about the impact of ADHD too, because it really can make you feel like a failure. It’s awful not being able to manage things that others seem to find easy - especially when you know you’re able/capable. I’m sorry to hear about your brother - hopefully with your support and understanding your Ds will have a less turbulent life 🙏

I mentioned your Ds’ experience to my Ds last night @Cantonet and he said he knows the same could happen to him. He extends every deadline as far as possible and then still ends up leaving the work til the last minute. He said he really can’t do anything without the dopamine rush of an urgent deadline but that won’t work for a dissertation. Not sure what the answer is really! I kind of wish Ds had gone for a course with more exams..

I do like this bit of MN. It’s so refreshingly free of posters whose DC got 8 A-stars at A-level, and then a 1st from Oxbridge and a dream job with a starting salary of £100k, and bought a house at 22 without any parental help, and why doesn’t everyone else just pull their socks up and make sure that their DC follow the same trajectory? I’m sure we’ve all seen those threads!

Ohhhhh yes!

Haha, yes, the posters (one in particular!) who don't understand any other way of thinking, or living, or any situation other than the one they're in. It's a lack of empathy I think....

@Crwysmam Oh that is a lot for your ds and the rest of the family to be dealing with. That is really tough, you & your dh soldiering on in the faceof it all. You must not beat yourself up for missing 'signs', we're mums not superman. Its good he's got a good cicrle of friends around him.

Echoing concerns of others I also have similar worries about ds1 in particular because although he's got a good job, he just refuses to socialise. No friends, always in his room. I dont know what else to do really, its difficult.

Has he always been like that @shimyor did he used to have friends? Does he seem happy in his own company or a bit depressed?

It’s hard isn’t it, knowing when to worry about something and when it’s actually fine, just their personality. Does he have a good relationship with his brother?