Why do some parents choose savings over helping adult children?

[Perthgirl]

My Mum is a 86 year old widow has just received a HMRC self-assessment to complete. My father died 3 years ago and all of their ‘joint’ money became her money. She didn't want to pay an accountant to help with her self-assessment and asked me to help.
I have mentioned previously that she would need to complete a self-assessment but this fell on deaf ears as ‘no-one has asked me for it’.
She lives in a £700k very nice house and manages well on her own. She is fit, well and active.
We get on well and I think I am a very loving and supportive daughter. I have never received any financial support from my parents since leaving home at 19.
It transpires that she has over £500,000 in ISAs, Premium Bonds, numerous building society savings accounts. All building society accounts have the £85k IFA protected amount/limit.
My husband and I are 59 and 60, both work full time and have 3 children (triplets) in final year of university. When I did a rough calculation on what £££ she might owe, her comment was oh ‘I might not be able to afford to give the children their £50 Christmas money this year, as I will have a large tax bill’.
It is her money and she is entitled to do what she pleases, etc. She enjoys a very comfortable life, with 3 overseas holiday each year and a busy social life.
She has previously said that she has so much money coming in that she does not know what to do with it. My Dad had a very good state funded pension which she still receives. When I suggested that she might like to help the grandchildren through Uni, she said, well no, as I do not know when I might need the money for myself!
Why would some parents/grandparents choose to pay £1000s to the tax man rather than possibly help the family?
I realise that she may need to fund a care home at some later stage, but £700k + £500k = £1.2M.
Can anyone help me understand?

Exactly, my own mother is in a care home and it is circa £60k per year. One of the residents in her high needs area has been there for 10 years!
If she needed care, she would likely need to start funding it before selling the house so I think the amount she has squirreled away is fair.

I can't be arsed to be fair.

Anyway, do you have any points on the topic for discussion?

I work and save.

You seem like you think the whole world should work and save for you.

We're different.

@HappyInTheSea just think logically about average salaries, tax bands, family allowance, MIRAS, more social housing & pensions.

This might help

www.resolutionfoundation.org/comment/the-system-has-worked-for-boomers-at-every-stage-of-their-lives/

@YummyPieCrust Do you mean that if they offered you a monetary gift, you wouldn't take it? Or simply that you don't have any expectations?

A gift being offered is not the topic here, is it?

Yes, I’ve posted several

Nope.
Miserable to the very end!

Your DM should speak to a financial advisor. They can advise on the best investments on their money, how to reduce income tax, understanding the inheritance tax rules and implications of possible future care home fees. If she had a better understanding concerning all these issues, she might feel happier with using some of her allowances to treat family, or not, as she chooses.

@YummyPieCrust I can’t tell if it’s a comprehension issue or just bad debating.

You seem like you think the whole world should work and save for you.

How on earth have you read my posts & come to that conclusion?

Demographics matter!
The burden we are placing on the young including my dc matters!

Also, my parents are relatively comfortable in retirement, I am delighted for them, they worked hard, made sacrifices, and had a lot of times when they had to scrape by. It warms my heart that they no longer have to worry (much) about money.

Nail on the head. It's habitual. After a lifetime of squirrelling away savings and not being generous with gifts etc, it just becomes ingrained.

Both my mother and mother in law were exactly the same. Always playing the "poverty" card, not spending money, not having necessary work done on their homes, not buying "nice" things for themselves, etc. Every time something went up in price in the shops, it'd be an absolute disaster, likewise when interest rates fall, the sky had fallen in! Both left a shed load of money in numerous savings/investment accounts. Mother in law in particular just didn't understand what money she had and still regarded her pensions as being her only "money" to spend, with some kind of disconnect when it came to the savings which she regarded as being untouchable.

Then there's also the "I've had a hard life" story, where they think they were so hard done by, that the next generations should suffer to, with no realisation at all how life has changed with the massive increase in housing costs, wages not keeping up with inflation etc. They're the generation who glibly think that their grand children could afford to buy a house if they didn't have the occasional Costa coffee and gave up their mobile phone!! (Whilst at the same time, expecting their kids/grandkids to do all their internet stuff as they're not online themselves!!).

I wasn't going to derail this thread by writing a massive post, but as you've asked.

When Covid hit and they had to self isolate I stepped in. When things got back to normal I carried on as they were getting frail, I'd work 5 days 7.30-5.30, go round to theirs every evening to cook & clean & on weekends do their shopping. Give up annual
leave to take them to appointments. When it got too much for them to even microwave a lunch meal this was then I suggested paid care. It was a slow drip feed over years of them getting frailer for the paid for care to increase to twice a day with me still
doing everything else, then when mil went into hospital the first time and social services got involved them & they had a financial assessment to see what help they could get then but I wasn't there for that so I still carried on while they had some care for covered by social services and they paid for the rest.As the care calls increased they had to pay for more out of their own money.

To put it into some context since dad died mum has spent £65,000 in 16 months. Some on his end of life and funeral, but I'd guess that was £8000 at the most.

So £59,000 on 8 x care calls a day just for her. Now social services pay for 80% of that.

I gave up caring for them 2 years ago when mil phoned me and told me a carer hadn't turned up to make their evening tea. Ruining a day out I was on with my daughter who was going though her own mental health issues at the time. But the carer had arrived they sent her away and phoned me lying about it. So then I walked away from day to day care for them.

They could have done so much with that money, with their lives, travelled, bought the bungalow they said they had no money for, not eaten own brand food!!!!!!

I don’t feel in a precarious position at all. I feel I’ve done well to have the savings I have. If they have to go on my care so be it. If not my family will enjoy them In the meantime I would not be quibbling about not being able to afford £50 for presents etc!

They got enough handouts from other circumstances (such as the property boom) that the bank of mum and dad weren’t even needed-that’s the point I was trying to make.

How much her house is worth is irrelevant if she's not planning to move.

Did you tell her that you'll be caring for her if she needs it? because if not, 500k will last for less than 5 years in care home here. Realistically your kids can expect healthy inheritance in maybe 10 years time - surely if she leaves it to you'll do variation of deeds to transfer it to them?

@Perthgirl, could you give her some information regarding her tax liabilities could be reduced if she gifts money to her grandchildren. It’s a simple choice of either paying it to the government or paying it to her grandchildren.

Sounds like Silas Marner!

This woman having savings and a home isn't creating a BURDEN no matter how many times you try to state this as fact.

But I believe the state pension should be means tested and the triple lock should be paused. And the post I replied to was a general point not about the OPs mother but you know that.

I hope your children don't come after your belongings when they deem you old enough to not need them, anymore, because their circumstances are more important.

My dcs will never have to be worry about struggling whilst I sit on money. Thats just now how it works in my family, money is passed down to lift lower generations up, it’s really not unusual in some circles.

Get a life. Get a job. Sort your own children out, if that's your desire, and work on envy, greed, entitlement and respecting and honouring parents

Who are you addressing this too?

I have a good job that pays higher rate tax & guess what I still had 6 figure help to buy my first property.

It’s likely your mother just doesn’t understand money. My mother is the same. I give hours of my time to help her but she won’t even buy me lunch. Doesn’t give birthday or Xmas presents because of religious reasons. She has more money than she knows what to do with but it sits in low interest accounts in the same bank. I can’t move it somewhere else as my sister has joint POA and doesn’t trust me. My sister is also clueless about money.
My father died really quite wealthy but none of it came my way or helped the grandchildren. She has mis managed it and lost a substantial sum investing in something dodgy and she’s been manipulated by Saint James Palace into signing up for various trusts which pay them handsomely but have caused endless headaches for her children to unravel. It’s all a mess. I feel quite bitter that neither of my parents have ever helped their children. It’s not a right, but seems so wasteful that all that money just sits there doing nothing .

Your mother might be concerned about care fees in the future . A good care home can be 8 to 10 grand a month which would quickly eat up savings.

Here you go: https://www.if.org.uk/2024/10/16/budget-2024-intergenerational-unfairness-wealth-inequality-and-low-growth-are-interlinked/

So many entitled adult children these days. So, so many that will receive massive inheritances. It's quite unprecedented compared to previous generations, unless you belonged to the upper echelons of society.

I’m quite content with my lot. I don’t have even a fraction of that in savings but I don’t think I’m poor (very modest pension, not state yet, too) but whenever I read threads like this I feel very anxious. What sort of abject penury and misery awaits me if you need so much stashed away to avoid it?

This is not correct it is £3,000 in total so split between the triplets this would be £1,000 a year each