Why do some parents choose savings over helping adult children?

[Perthgirl]

My Mum is a 86 year old widow has just received a HMRC self-assessment to complete. My father died 3 years ago and all of their ‘joint’ money became her money. She didn't want to pay an accountant to help with her self-assessment and asked me to help.
I have mentioned previously that she would need to complete a self-assessment but this fell on deaf ears as ‘no-one has asked me for it’.
She lives in a £700k very nice house and manages well on her own. She is fit, well and active.
We get on well and I think I am a very loving and supportive daughter. I have never received any financial support from my parents since leaving home at 19.
It transpires that she has over £500,000 in ISAs, Premium Bonds, numerous building society savings accounts. All building society accounts have the £85k IFA protected amount/limit.
My husband and I are 59 and 60, both work full time and have 3 children (triplets) in final year of university. When I did a rough calculation on what £££ she might owe, her comment was oh ‘I might not be able to afford to give the children their £50 Christmas money this year, as I will have a large tax bill’.
It is her money and she is entitled to do what she pleases, etc. She enjoys a very comfortable life, with 3 overseas holiday each year and a busy social life.
She has previously said that she has so much money coming in that she does not know what to do with it. My Dad had a very good state funded pension which she still receives. When I suggested that she might like to help the grandchildren through Uni, she said, well no, as I do not know when I might need the money for myself!
Why would some parents/grandparents choose to pay £1000s to the tax man rather than possibly help the family?
I realise that she may need to fund a care home at some later stage, but £700k + £500k = £1.2M.
Can anyone help me understand?

Are you including her substantial pensions and Attendance Allowance in your calculations? And the rental income from her property?

I agree with this. It's ingrained and once you have it the world seems scary without it. It's not the way I want to be and I'll fight against it but I can see why it happens.

I have a relative who is childless and at the very least a millionaire a few times over and has said she has too much money, but she cannot bring herself to part with any. Despite having a lovely relationship with her nieces and nephews, some of whom are struggling and all of who benefit from her will equally, she cannot help them now. It's a shame really but it's her mindset and her money.

Not £3k a year to each, £3k split between them.

But on the main point, does she know how to access the saved money so as to pay the tax bill? My dad is a similar age and very quickly reaches the point of "Oh, I'll manage without" rather than battle with online banking.

Because they are utterly selfish.

I do find this argument baffling to be honest. People still seem to be under the impression that anyone in retirement age now was working as chimney sweeps in Victorian Britain or something. Times have moved on, and the vast majority of today’s retirees lived and worked during a period of unparalleled financial and political stability the likes of which was not seen before and is unlikely to ever be seen again. This faux outrage at people just being upfront about that is so strange.

I totally agree with everything you say but it’s her money at the end of the day.
I would stand firm about not assisting either with the self assessment tho, she has plenty of money to pay for professional help so let her pay.
Also if she does need any care she should remember that this will also have to be paid for and not expect any freebie care from family.

@BelBridge I have no idea why some take it as a personal attack, it’s bizarre

I understand what you are saying in tax planning terms.

However this idea of spending someone else’s money for them really grates on me.

Your mum has lost her husband and
has no further opportunity to earn more money via employment because of her age. Can you genuinely not see how that might make her feel cautious about her future?

You seem so entitled to her money.

Your parents worked for their money. And they must have made at least a fair investment in you to be able to get you to the stage where you own a home and have 3 kids at Uni.

What more do you want?

So, so many that will receive massive inheritances. It's quite unprecedented compared to previous generations, unless you belonged to the upper echelons of society.

But you understand it’s unprecedented because of the money tied up in housing which often goes back into housing!

I imagine I would be generous in her position, but I can't be certain as I am 50 and don't know how it feels to be old (or rich!). An odd comment to be thinking about Xmas presents in April so she's clearly focused on money / worried about not having enough.

The thing is that as soon as you need care, it's extremely expensive. DM's care home is about £75,000 a year just to stay there. A live in carer (which many prefer) would cost a lot more. Of course she hopefully won't need this level of care, but money gives security and peace of mind. Presumably you and / or her grandkids will inherit in the next decade and then you/they will benefit greatly. It does seem greedy and entitled of you to want her to part with the money now. If it's for your kids' benefits, they are young so it's not like they wouldn't need the inheritance in 10 years' time.

It's great she is enjoying life and enjoying spending her money.

My parents haven't given me anything since I was a student and I am glad they have saved and are prudent because it means I don't need to worry about them, they've moved into a retirement flat and if they need to move into care they can afford to do so without me stressing about the fact these type of flats are apparently quite slow to sell, or if they just need carers to visit they can afford that too. I see their financial security as saving me from another layer of worry I don't need with my own family getting to young adult age.

It’s prudent to save but most people don’t go into care homes & if they do they tend to die within a few years.

Her mum would have enough to pay fees for at least 5 years, longer if the house is taken into account. How much money do some people want or need!

No, maybe a generational thing, my parents are the same (not with the same amount of money). They have never given us a bean. There was mention of a loan when we were struggling to move house but it was always going to be a loan (we didn't take it in the end). They know how hard I budget to make sure we can pay our bills and such but never any offer of help.

I can’t get my head around it either.

My MIL has more money coming in from investments than she can spend. Her financial advisor told her to give her children a monthly amount each which is basically the interest she’s earning, so the amount in her pot doesn’t go down at all.

I’d suggest she speaks to an independent financial advisor who will explain all about IHT and how much she could give away rather than it going to HMRC.

Remember OP's mother will also have lived through several property price crashes, the value of the house is entirely speculative until it's sold, and it sounds like she has no intention of doing so.

The whole thing just smacks of envy. I am a bit younger than the OP and I have benefitted from a decent economy and affordable house prices in my early working career. I presume OP has as well.

I think it becomes such an ingrained habit, if it has all been accrued over many years, by hard work coupled with frugal habits

I haven't read any further than this early response, because I relate to it so much.

I am only now, at 70, learning to spend my money. My late husband and I had to be very frugal for the first couple of decades of our lives, for reasons that came one after another. Two periods where we bought homes that needed a big mortgage (I'm in the south east) when interests rates were high, then when we had the children, and I wanted to be home with them for the early years, etc etc.

It became so ingrained (and of course there was saving for our retirement) that I had trouble spending money on anything not needed, and was always looking for the best bargains.
He died before he could get the benefit of retirement or spend the money he'd saved for it, and I soon discovered that I didn't need to use those savings. The various pensions, especially when I got the state pension too, are more then enough for me to live on.

So in the past few years I've been helping my kids in various ways. I pay for a UK holiday for us all reach year, I subsidise nursery costs etc and I've stepped in with decent amounts at other times of need.

But I still find it hugely difficult to spend on myself, apart from on holidays. It's so ingrained.

But it's difficult to know what you'll need and when you'll need it. If I need care, I want it to be somewhere decent. But I also don't want everything my DH and I saved, disappearing that way, as my mum's and MIL's did. But without a crystal ball, you don't know when to start spending it.

What's with all the posts with adult children moaning their parents won't just give them their money recently? It's so entitled.

It’s because a lot of people struggle with accepting the fact that they have also been net beneficiaries of a welfare state. They’re not like those spongers over there: they worked for their money!

The free healthcare, education, dentistry, triple locked pension, low cost housing etc. etc. are neither here nor there. It’s quite pathetic really.

Many people don't have huge savings though. There are still huge numbers of people who have never bought a property, don't have investments , didn't retire with private pensions. You might not meet them but they do exist. Those who do have money often are accidentally rich, because they happened to buy a property at the right time, pay off the mortgage and just stay. Others have never been part of that, live in social housing and get by. It's not all pensioners who are rich. I was left nothing, for example.

@AlphaApple what has that got to do with my comment about inheritance & housing? Are you saying the country doesn’t have a lot of money tied up in housing? Or the bulk of inheritance doesn’t come from inheritance?

I was just curious as to whether you'd accept a monetary gift if it were offered to you by an older family member, or if you just mean that no one should have expectations IYSWIM.

Some people do feel strongly about accepting monetary gifts, but personally, I think it's fine if the person can afford it. Some parents do want to help their adult children out. We're hoping to help ours out in the future.

It’s because a lot of people struggle with accepting the fact that they have also been net beneficiaries of a welfare state. They’re not like those spongers over there: they worked for their money!

True, far easier to blame the boat people @BelBridge

That’s great, and I’m betting they’re not expecting you to act as a pseudo accountant so they don’t have to pay for their financial planning as the OP’s mother does. It’s completely justified to spend one’s money as one wishes, it’s completely another to take frugality to the extreme of expecting everyone else to provide free labour.

But we’re not talking about those people in this context.