Why do some parents choose savings over helping adult children?

[Perthgirl]

My Mum is a 86 year old widow has just received a HMRC self-assessment to complete. My father died 3 years ago and all of their ‘joint’ money became her money. She didn't want to pay an accountant to help with her self-assessment and asked me to help.
I have mentioned previously that she would need to complete a self-assessment but this fell on deaf ears as ‘no-one has asked me for it’.
She lives in a £700k very nice house and manages well on her own. She is fit, well and active.
We get on well and I think I am a very loving and supportive daughter. I have never received any financial support from my parents since leaving home at 19.
It transpires that she has over £500,000 in ISAs, Premium Bonds, numerous building society savings accounts. All building society accounts have the £85k IFA protected amount/limit.
My husband and I are 59 and 60, both work full time and have 3 children (triplets) in final year of university. When I did a rough calculation on what £££ she might owe, her comment was oh ‘I might not be able to afford to give the children their £50 Christmas money this year, as I will have a large tax bill’.
It is her money and she is entitled to do what she pleases, etc. She enjoys a very comfortable life, with 3 overseas holiday each year and a busy social life.
She has previously said that she has so much money coming in that she does not know what to do with it. My Dad had a very good state funded pension which she still receives. When I suggested that she might like to help the grandchildren through Uni, she said, well no, as I do not know when I might need the money for myself!
Why would some parents/grandparents choose to pay £1000s to the tax man rather than possibly help the family?
I realise that she may need to fund a care home at some later stage, but £700k + £500k = £1.2M.
Can anyone help me understand?

It is to some people and not others. If during her life she has saved that to give her security and peace of mind in her old age and a choice of where she may need to spend her end of life years it's for noone else to expect her to give that up to fund their life instead.

We literally had a meeting with an IFA who told us we should get to £1m in pension and £750k in other investment to have a comfortable retirement when we retire!! Got some way to go but I can see why she has accumulated her savings to ensure her security.

We literally had a meeting with an IFA who told us we should get to £1m in pension and £750k in other investment to have a comfortable retirement

Was that each, or you-as-a-couple?

@Spirallingdownwards

We literally had a meeting with an IFA who told us we should get to £1m in pension and £750k in other investment to have a comfortable retirement when we retire!!

What a surprise that someone who makes their monies from selling pensions tells you that you need a whopping pension. The more you invest, the bigger profit they make.

I genuinely don’t understand those that won’t give anything to their grandchildren. And yes I definitely will do, if I have them when I’m old!
My parents do live quite frugally as I think they remember not having much and do want to save for quality care as they age, but are still putting money into isas for their grandchildren too. I think the whole ‘you’re not entitled to anything’ attitude is really sad; I enjoy treating my kids and will enjoy treating my grandkids!

We helped our kids through University and we will help them with a house deposit too, but I don't think we'd consider needing to help them at 60 years old - I'd expect them to be comfortable at that stage - if not, I'd expect a reason for still struggling - like a disability for example.

We will have a couple of million put aside for our elderly care - we will not expect our adult children to provide care for us. Looking at the people around me, it's becoming more and more common for old people to spend their late 80's & 90's needing quite a lot of care - sometimes it's being provided by their kids (and we can see the severe impact of that on their adult kids) and sometimes by outside carers and sometimes long term care homes, nice ones, if they have the funds - we do not want to rely on the NHS or Social Services for our care - we have seen what they provide and we would not choose it and I'd be horrified if my kids thought I should lower my comfort in my old age to to look after their needs - we will help they set themselves up but they are perfectly capable of making a life for themselves.

Looking at your parents money and thinking you are entitled to their money before they die because Inheritance tax is payable on anything over £1 million. Is a million not enough? Throw the parents into a council care home, as long as the grabby kids don't lose out.
Didn't one parent on here say they were selling their property to move to a very small flat, in a cheap but dangerous area so her son could buy a house, self-sacrifice is one thing but what kind of son would allow that to take place? We were raised better than to be expecting our elderly parents to make sacrifices to support us when we were adults.

So yes, our plan is to look after ourselves - like we have always done. Our kids will get a generous payout when we are dead but not before it.

Now there's your mistake - thinking you are entitled to a comfortable retirement. Sell up the family home, get a shoebox to live in and spend all week looking after your GKs and pay for their Unis and deposits (it's not their parent's job yo know). Don't be wasting their inheritance on holidays and nice meals out either - you'll be old and you barely exist anyway - you won't need any money.

Exactly. This is the rainy day and the money is there. Children should refuse to pay any thing in thesr circumstances. Quite different from OP's position.

I think it comes with old age. My mum said the very same thing about my Granny. Now she’s the same age with four times the cash and after a lifetime of saving, can’t let go.

A couple of million pounds to cover your care costs is huge bearing mind only 4% of people go into a care home. You must be very very wealthy if you have that put aside.

not sure how old your Mum is but do look at renting or a second hand retirement flat. They can be a real bargain. Dont buy new - just don’t! They are appalling value for money.

Quite honestly I wouldn’t be on my hands and knees scrubbing because selfish parents want me to do it to save them paying for it.

Dont do it!

I agree , it's just bloody meanness in my opinion.

My lovely old nan had nowhere near that amount but still gave us a 'treat' every now and then and got great pleasure from it .
We didn't want or expect a penny from her but she loved us very much as we loved her.

My parents are in their 70’s and probably have about 1million if you include house and savings. They give the £3000 each year to my sister and I and have offered to pay my stamp duty when we complete on our new house. They didn’t have a huge amount when younger so enjoy being able to help now. They enjoy life and go on amazing holidays and I’m glad they are making the most of retirement. They have always made it clear if we are struggling financially we go to them and they will support.
They have a good financial advisor though which might make a difference.

Well I don't know where you get the 4% figure from but it isn't my lived experience, from the people I know their relatives and mine live into their 90s and need significant care. I will pay for that care rather than asking my kids to do it. That is our choice, we will not put ourselves into poverty, incapable of paying for choices and if dh and I drop dead at 80 our kids will have won the lottery - no care responsibilities and a big inheritance!

I agree - let them spend what they have saved for their old age - that's what it's there for!

Because it’s her money not yours OP so you don’t get to decide how she spends it.

People saying they 'can't understand' need to understand:

• Care costs are VERY expensive e.g. £60k-£70k per year. If someone ends up with dementia, but otherwise healthy, they could use up £500k easily within their remaining lifetime.
• Older people are nervous about the risk of changing government policies. Once upon a time, pensions and ISAs etc were untouchable from a tax point of view, but Rachel Reeves has changed that.

OP - perhaps your mother feels she is protecting you from the scenario whereby you would need to care for her in old age, if she is left with insufficient funds for care?