Why do some parents choose savings over helping adult children?

[Perthgirl]

My Mum is a 86 year old widow has just received a HMRC self-assessment to complete. My father died 3 years ago and all of their ‘joint’ money became her money. She didn't want to pay an accountant to help with her self-assessment and asked me to help.
I have mentioned previously that she would need to complete a self-assessment but this fell on deaf ears as ‘no-one has asked me for it’.
She lives in a £700k very nice house and manages well on her own. She is fit, well and active.
We get on well and I think I am a very loving and supportive daughter. I have never received any financial support from my parents since leaving home at 19.
It transpires that she has over £500,000 in ISAs, Premium Bonds, numerous building society savings accounts. All building society accounts have the £85k IFA protected amount/limit.
My husband and I are 59 and 60, both work full time and have 3 children (triplets) in final year of university. When I did a rough calculation on what £££ she might owe, her comment was oh ‘I might not be able to afford to give the children their £50 Christmas money this year, as I will have a large tax bill’.
It is her money and she is entitled to do what she pleases, etc. She enjoys a very comfortable life, with 3 overseas holiday each year and a busy social life.
She has previously said that she has so much money coming in that she does not know what to do with it. My Dad had a very good state funded pension which she still receives. When I suggested that she might like to help the grandchildren through Uni, she said, well no, as I do not know when I might need the money for myself!
Why would some parents/grandparents choose to pay £1000s to the tax man rather than possibly help the family?
I realise that she may need to fund a care home at some later stage, but £700k + £500k = £1.2M.
Can anyone help me understand?

They are worried about running out of money. My late father in laws estate has just paid nearly £2m in inheritance tax. He bought from charity shops and gave nothing away. 60 years ago they were so poor they could barely afford to live.
It's a mindset they can't get out of.
My dad has a lot of money now but I remember us really struggling when I was a child. No holidays, no luxuries.
I'm quite well off and plan to downsize in the next 5 years and will give my children most of the "change" from selling the house. I've also given them large sums recently and just need to survive 7 years. I'm 62 now. But people born in the 20s/30s /40s really struggle with the fact they are well off.

They’ll last at least 5 years, she’s got pension and a house too, so she’s probably be ok till a 100 or so!

You were talking specifically about benefit, health and education system though.

Have you factored in her pensions, including her husband’s very healthy pension, which she also receives? Then there’s Attendance Allowance and the possibility of renting out her very nice £700k property. All these monies added together will go a considerable way towards care home fees.

Yes, all of which have contributed to intergenerational unfairness. My parents bought their London council house for £35k. They were able to retire earlier as a direct result of the very welfare and benefit system that gave them such a chance. Thus contributing to intergenerational unfairness. It’s exactly the point I’m making.

Do you mean my siblings? They can't afford to buy me out of the house, which I technically own 1/3 of, but in reality I am unlikely ever to benefit from that ownership. My siblings will probably stay there as long as they live. I suppose if they both die before me I will eventually come into possession of the house, but that will hopefully be many decades hence.

That's absolutely fair enough, but the specific point I was responding to was about people of OP's mother's generation benefiting more from the health, education and benefits system.

I was asking the question and thank you, your post and the link have answered part of it.

My widowed MIL has savings set aside for potential care home if needed, it is a large sum of money but it’s hers to do with as she pleases as far as we are concerned. She’s determined not to be a financial burden on anyone and lives comfortably but is frugal. I would love to see her withdraw a few £k and treat herself to a lovely holiday though, as she rarely goes anywhere.

From the OP the DM has said “she has so much money coming in that she doesn’t know what to do with it “. So definitely not just state pension income! Sounds like she has some very healthy private pension income plus possibly income from investments. I don’t think she’s drawing down capital.

There were large parts of the population who did not rent or buy a council house though.

In 1961 my parents applied for council housing and none was available for them. They went on a waiting list and a house never came up for them.

About a fifth of all households in the UK live in social housing now. Less than when your parents did, but still lots of people benefiting from rents at 50% ish of market rates.

omg how rude are you?!!!😳😳😳 “suggesting” what someone else does with their own money?!! Concentrate on spending your own money and leave other people to spend their own shit!

I agree. Savings and a state pension. Savings she could draw upon as she pleases. Not sure why you would assume she also has a separate income in addition?

None of it makes any difference to my point. OP would likely not be whinging if her DM had purchased an annuity. And it’s ironic that OP will probably benefit more this way.

Yet she begrudges treating her children and grandchildren, which wouldn’t even leave a slight dent in her pile! Sorry, she’s a mean, selfish old woman, who could enhance the lives of her family while still sitting very nicely, thankyou!

My older relatives felt very strongly that you need to have what they call "a bit put by" to provide for themselves from retirement to the end of their life. My grandad died about 15 years ago in his 80s and he had a great deal in the bank but was always worried he wouldn't have enough.

It probably seems strange to younger people because the general attitude these days seems to be have no savings and assets and no way to meet your future care needs so you can get said care paid for by the state.

Why would some parents/grandparents choose to pay £1000s to the tax man rather than possibly help the family?

It isn’t an either/or. You still pay income tax on any amount you gift. She would still have to pay £1000s to the tax man.

10k is really not very much at all for someone in her late 80s. I can understand why she would feel cautious about spending.

They shouldn’t have to suggest- the old girl should want to give her grandson a decent wedding present !

Probably should have explained that’s the tip of the iceberg as far as MIL’s accumulated savings and investments are concerned

She simply doesn’t care.

”the old girl” 😨 She’s a person, not a bloody horse.

It’s a term of endearment in our house! Ok, a mean person, then!

😮😮😮

Well, it is her money but it wouldn't be how I or our family would do things. I hope to die with £2.50 to my name and wealthy grandkids!

None of that changes the system in which they lived and worked though - it’s really not that hard to understand.

Let me give you an example: I went to uni when tuition fees were £3k a year and the repayments agreement is acceptable. I am perfectly happy to accept the fact that the students that went to university after me are facing much more financial stress and their repayment agreement is a lot worse than mine. Does that mean that I am richer than every single student that came after me? No. All it means is that the system under which I studied was more favourable. And I’m perfectly happy to accept that fact. Because it’s a fact.

Her savings will give her better choice if she needs a nursing home at some point. They eat up money.
But she still has enough to help GC .... I know I would.
I have retired and only have a small amount of savings so cannot help my GC.