Does it get easier? ADHD?

[Changingforthisone66]

Changed my name for this because previous threads might be quite identifying. DS21, dropped out of uni. He couldn't manage himself at all in terms of getting up for lectures, laundry, cooking, managing finances etc. It was a huge eye opener and we felt like we'd failed as parents. He was diagnosed with depression but feels himself like something else is going on, possibly ADHD, and is exploring that along with counselling although I'd say the depression is still very much present. Anyway, he's now decided he wants to try again with university some distance from home. We don't want to stop him but don't see any changes on how he's living. He needs nagging to do laundry, tidy his belongings and even leave for work on time. It's exhausting. Does anyone have any positive tales of their child managing with increasing maturity and understanding of self? At the moment I can't imagine him living independently again without sinking further into massive debt and depression and feelings of failure.

Does he want to explore a diagnosis? Medication for adhd has helped one of my teens, the other uses a lot of sports training and routines to manage. Have you talked to him what does he think will be different this time? Is he aware of his struggles? Have you “dropped the rope” at home how does he cope then. I say this because I practice stepping back in school holidays to see how my teen behaves then we chat about the things she’s still finding hard and she comes up with ways to help herself with our support.

ADHD diagnosis and medication were a game changer for ds - really helped with both his mental health - he was really worried he had something else wrong he felt so unbalanced and he was able to apply himself at Uni after a dreadful start. He’s gone on to do Audit including professional exams. It’s not all perfect - he still a bit unorganised but tolerable in terms of keeping his life on track. He takes as little of the meds as possible as the affect his appetite and he struggles to keep weight on and I think they probably make his anxiety worse but overall they have improved his life and his ability to apply himself to work.

I’d get diagnosis sorted (right to choose) first. If he is ND can then get DSA which will support with mentoring at uni. It’s not a magic bullet but has really helped DS. A diagnosis can be life changing. All three of mine diagnosed ND late teens and it has been enormously helpful in different ways for all three. Uni is great for preparing for adulthood but work on setting him up for success as best you can. Good luck.

Good advice here. I agree - prioritize a diagnosis. ADHD medication is effective. The diagnosis report is also very helpful to help everyone get a better understanding of the issues.

Starting university is a common time to discover ADHD - it happened to DC2 although i knew since the age of 12 that something wasn’t right but I didn’t know what. It turns out I also have ADHD.

My son was diagnosed with adhd while at university. He didn’t struggle with basic self care like laundry and hygiene but he did struggle a lot with organising his work. Medication helped a lot and he now has a good graduate job and a pretty well organised life.

Thank you this is all so encouraging. He's on the Right to Choose pathway, I've no idea how long this could take but I'm desperate for him to be seen if he's keen to try uni again. In answer to the post about dropping the rope at home, we have and he ends up awake all night and sleeping all day. For my own mental health I can't not support him because he needs his job and falls further into depression if left to his own devices. He may be 21 but generally accepts support and advice. We're currently trying to support him in being more proactive rather than reactive and have suggested he writes weekly to do lists. He can write the list but then doesn't do anything about it!

Some universities are much better than others at supporting students with these issues. It’s really important that he thinks about course structure too. He is unlikely to find that a course which requires a dissertation (and therefore lots of independent study and writing) suits him. Leicester University has an excellent reputation for supporting students, but there are others doing this well too. Choosing carefully can make or break this.

My son is on course for a first after failing uni first time round. Definitely a diagnosis, medication and a careful choice of course and university. It's taken 5 years and loads of debt but finally he is thriving. York university is fantastic with ND support. Also catered accommodation and a shared bathroom really helped as no cooking,shopping or washing up needed. The cleaners clean shared bathrooms. So less chores definitely helped. X

@Monkeymummahthank you. We're definitely looking at shared bathroom this time round but unfortunately unlikely to be able to afford catered accommodation. Honestly at the moment I don't think it would help as he'd just sleep through breakfast or forgot to go for meals. We'd really prefer he stayed closer to home so we could support with chores but his course options are so limited where we live.

If sleep regulation is an issue has he tried melatonin? As an adult he can get gu mm ies my teen uses it for 5n a week and has a 2n break. She struggles to wind down without it, but this is alongside good sleep hygiene habits as well. It takes her on average 2-3hrs off devices winding down to actually being asleep. Some folk do just find it a lot harder. ADHD meds help but you need lifestyle strategies alongside it as well he has to want to change. So if he sleeps all day and then loses his job what’s the impact? No food, no bed, no money? He is an adult, I’m not being difficult as I get it it’s really really hard when you have a child who struggles with executive functioning skills but they can learn.

@SpringFrost i get what you mean but I'm not prepared to let him lose his job which will effectively see him hit rock bottom. He is already suffering with depression and is grateful for our support. I won't pull the rug from underneath, I'm his mum.

DSA might agree to make up the difference to catered accommodation.

I feel the same regarding helping my ds get up for work. I've had to arrange my work around this and given up having to explain to family and friends who say,just let him over sleep. There is no way he can afford to lose this job as he couldn't cope with going back to college and last year he was so depressed, smoking weed and self harming. He has had counselling and things are better but I really don't want him becoming a Neet,as opportunities are thin here.
So two alarms and me checking he is up is an absolute pain for me but work is giving him a purpose and the manager thinks he's doing a great job.

Medication is very effective for ADHD. Hopefully he can find one that suits him, don't give up if the first one doesn't.

My DD has ADHD and often feels down. As a younger teen she was prescribed antidepressants but didn't like taking them. ND youngsters can easily feel down because they struggle with things other people find easy, they have extreme rejection sensitivity and feel at rock bottom when their dopamine levels drop.

ADHD meds certainly helped her at uni and academically she did brilliantly. However, she was far off being the efficient young woman living independently. Her laundry was rarely done, her room was a tip and never cleaned, she had a pub job to help make ends meet, but half of what she earned went on Ubers because she was late, and take outs because she was hungry and couldn't wait for something to be cooked (or was too exhausted to cook).

Every year we had to make a four hour drive to unravel her (sort her room and laundry, shop for food, give her lots of hugs and say how proud we are) because she was in floods of tears saying she wanted to kill herself. But she did it and though this post might sound like I am putting her down, I am immensely proud because despite having zero executive function skills, she did get through uni and graduate with a first. The fact that her sheets did not get changed in months is really not that important in the big scheme of things.

Help your son get diagnosed, see if he can have some OT support with executive function skills. Let him reapply and see what support he can get through student services. Tell him it doesn't matter if he doesn't have the same hygiene standards as home. Encourage him to make great friends at uni who can help him. He will be fine.

@mugglewumpthank you for such a positive post. I feel like you've described what I hope is the best case scenario for my DS. Well done to your daughter. We're a bit further down the diagnosis route this week and I hope if he receives a diagnosis we can immediately approach the uni and DSA.

To echo @mugglewump I got through uni with undiagnosed adhd - but it was the first time I realised I wasn’t like other people. Don’t try to get his life standards to those of other students - it just won’t happen and will cause him stress and shame (and worse dibilitating anxiety/ depression). Do get used to the idea of adhd tax.

Things I did in uni that helped me survive -

1. I would buy months worth of underwear and cheap clothes when I hadn’t done laundry, and I would take back two suitcases full of dirty laundry each term which my mum would help me do.

2.I only used disposable plates and cutlery and only ate microwaveable ready meals and unhealthy snacks. Luckily there’s more options for healthy ready meals than when I was a student. Worth getting him his own mini freezer for his room and stocking up on meals each term - because he will leave anything fresh to go mouldy.

3.I didn’t turn up to boring lectures and seminars (which was most of them since I was doing a boring course). I did quit all my jobs and do extreme cramming every exam time.

4.I had 3 part time jobs which gave me structure and allowed me to not have budget financially. My favourite jobs being bar work and other high stimulation environments where there was lots going on. Also had a job at the uni office in my final year which required a lot of responsibility and high levels of executive function - wouldn’t recommend as it really damaged my self esteem despite how hard I tried at it.

5.I joined and quit all the clubs and hobbies - this was the best aspect of uni for me. Let him try everything - that will be the most valuable thing he can get from his time there - the space to learn what he enjoys and is good at. No shame in quitting too as he’ll have learnt what he doesn’t like/ isn’t good at.

6.I had days when I didn’t get out of bed and just stayed in my room not eating, watching tv or just being a complete slob. I allowed that with the only rule that I could never have two of those days in a row (or it’s very easy to lose weeks / months to adhd burnout). These slob days are needed to avoid burnout as they are an indicator of overwhelm - not advisable to just push through them.

For ADHD being persistent is more doable than being consistent. As long as he gets up and keeps it moving every time he falls off the wagon, which will be a lot, he will eventually get to where he needs to be even if his route is not linear.

Life with adult dc with ADHD is exhausting - and although medication helps, it's not a 24hour solution - e.g. like @SpringFrost describes good sleep habits - which my DD has yet to discover fully! Although she suffers the consequences afterwards - when they live with you everyone else does too, which is starting to wear thin! It takes a lot longer for them to learn from things. I'm also on tenterhooks at her losing her job as like others this is what has really helped her as well as antidepressants but she has just decided to come off them. Learning the hard way is much better but to what degree is a difficult balance to find! I find hope in Mumsnet stories of DC that eventually get there.😊

@mugglewump your post resonates so much - dd has also worked various jobs (now year 4). When she had a car to get there she coped ok, but then she lost her licence (inattentiveness meaning she didn’t notice speed limit changing!) and her last year was earning money at Nando’s only for it to go on Ubers (‘I planned to walk but I got up too late, so I thought I’d get the bus but missed it…’) and takeaways. She’s perfectly capable of cooking well, so I couldn’t believe it when she told me at Christmas that she hadn’t cooked all term!

Both mine have ADHD and struggle with sleep/getting up/deadlines etc. Ds finds a mask and ear plugs help a bit with the sleep and he’s just bought an old fashioned alarm clock. Neither of them go to many lectures but you can catch up online…

They seem to leave a lot of their work to do when they’re home for a month at Christmas and Easter - I think it helps that i feed them then. They’re both improving, but watching the last minute cramming/essay writing up close is very stressful. I think uni has helped them learn some techniques though. And they’re doing well academically!

is Y4 the last year @crazycrofter? What plans has she got for post Uni?

As the parent of a sixth former with severe adhd - medicated - would be really grateful for suggestions of non-London universities which are well set up for ND support, particularly catered halls.

DN has been to De Montfort and the support there has been impressive.

My DC goes to Nottingham but receives their support through DSA. They have a weekly, virtual, mentoring session but DSA will make up the difference to catered accommodation if needed. That was something we didn’t know when applying for DSA.

I am very reassured to hear that people with ADHD manage to get to university. We are struggling with our son in year 11, trying to do GCSEs. He doesn’t have a formal diagnosis however I have been wondering since primary and I think the events of this year have convinced me that à diagnosis this summer is the way to go. He sadly is going to fail most of his GCSEs, everything is boring, he can’t get up, he can’t revise, this for a bright capable child with a sister who has aced everything. Bribing, tutoring I feel we have tried most things to help. Can’t help feeling we have a failed him.. I hope reading your posts that there are other ways into further education but how to get him motivated that is the hardest…

Yes, it’s an Integrated masters in Psychology, she’s just struggling through her dissertation… Hopefully going back to uni today (term officially starts today - it’s quite late at Nottingham). She’s wanted to be a clinical psychologist since she was 14/15 and that’s still the plan. It helps that she’s really passionate about Psychology and mental health - interest is a massive factor for people with AdHD.

She needs 2-3 years of relevant experience before she can apply for the doctorate and she’s just got a job working in a mental health crisis home. It’s shifts, one hour away and I know she’ll really struggle to get there for the 7.30am start! But it’s not every week - some shifts will start at 3pm. And she’ll be living at home. Her plan is to get qualified as a psychologist and eventually work for herself so she can be flexible and set things up to suit her way of working/living.

Is that not the issue then? You’re always there to help him to he has never learnt consequences ?