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Parents of adult children

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Does it get easier? ADHD?

51 replies

Changingforthisone66 · 07/04/2026 19:24

Changed my name for this because previous threads might be quite identifying. DS21, dropped out of uni. He couldn't manage himself at all in terms of getting up for lectures, laundry, cooking, managing finances etc. It was a huge eye opener and we felt like we'd failed as parents. He was diagnosed with depression but feels himself like something else is going on, possibly ADHD, and is exploring that along with counselling although I'd say the depression is still very much present. Anyway, he's now decided he wants to try again with university some distance from home. We don't want to stop him but don't see any changes on how he's living. He needs nagging to do laundry, tidy his belongings and even leave for work on time. It's exhausting. Does anyone have any positive tales of their child managing with increasing maturity and understanding of self? At the moment I can't imagine him living independently again without sinking further into massive debt and depression and feelings of failure.

OP posts:
crazycrofter · 27/04/2026 09:19

All the best with your ds @Jewelcake . Just a thought - does he not respond to urgency? Both my children do and as hard as I've tried, they can't seem to start things in advance. But the urgency of an exam in two days time creates motivation. And the challenge of proving people wrong/ proving that the impossible is possible!

Ds didn't do anything for his GCSEs or A Levels until this point in the year (and for A Levels, he barely attended any lessons!), but then he suddenly gained some motivation - the challenge of cramming two years of knowledge into a short space of time seemed to inspire him. With his GCSEs, we got Seneca for most subjects and the plan was for him to work through this on his phone; I could see the time spent and I paid him per hour worked (earning money is also a motivator for him). He did it on the bus, in the cinema etc etc... and he could break it into really small chunks if need be - 15 mins here or there - but still see visible progress on his phone. For A Levels he had revision books which he ploughed through.

He also didn't find it easy to get up, but we worked around that - he could do Seneca in bed! But mainly he just worked in the afternoons/late in the evenings - still does, now he's at uni.

He didn't do as well as he was capable of (now he's at uni, we're discovering he's very bright - he seems to be getting firsts quite effortlessly) but he did well enough for the next stage. It was stressful though, especially when he was still tackling new knowledge in Business A Level one hour before the exam!

crazycrofter · 27/04/2026 09:21

Changingforthisone66 · 09/04/2026 17:05

@SpringFrost i get what you mean but I'm not prepared to let him lose his job which will effectively see him hit rock bottom. He is already suffering with depression and is grateful for our support. I won't pull the rug from underneath, I'm his mum.

I think this is the right approach - he will eventually learn the skills he needs, or he will find work/a lifestyle to suit his body clock - but he still needs scaffolding.

NoelEdmondsHairGel · 27/04/2026 09:30

Does he have a gaming and/or phone addiction? That will make his life so much easier harder. If he’s spending hours per day on screens I would tackle that first.

WaitingForMojo · 27/04/2026 09:52

I have ADHD. Agree with other posters that medication is a game changer. I also recommend accessing mentoring support and ADHD specific coaching via Disabled Students’ Allowance (you don’t need a diagnosis to do this).

Thos is going to go down like a lead balloon in here but consider applying for PIP. You don’t need a diagnosis but do need to evidence need. Anything you have in writing relating to his RtC referral and failed attempt at uni will help here. This would help him pay for support he needs /access accommodation that is the most suitable. The fact that he needs so much support with daily living likely means he does qualify. I expect a barrage of comments here saying he doesn’t or shouldn’t, but I work in welfare law, claim PIP myself and have supported an adult child who is AuDHD with a claim. I do know the eligibility criteria pretty well.

WaitingForMojo · 27/04/2026 09:55

FWIW, I struggled with uni and with independence, and went to uni 3 times before getting my degree. Now have two first class degrees and live independently. I do have executive function difficulties but since my diagnosis at the age of forty, I manage these better.

BertieBotts · 27/04/2026 10:37

As someone with ADHD, I would strongly advise that he pause plans of uni etc until he has either some really good strategies in place or medication (or both). Unless he has the option to redo bits of it, it is risky to attempt it when he's struggling with these difficulties. And even if he can redo, this can be discouraging if he makes friends on the course and then they all continue but he has to hang back a year or more. So it might help to put the brakes on a bit and wait until better support is in place. OTOH motivation/interest is really important with ADHD because it's so hard to drag yourself through tasks which are not interesting. So I can see both sides, which is why I'd say pause, not block entirely. If he's excited about and interested in the course, then it's likely to be a better option than something closer to home that he's less interested in.

It's a really common cycle I think with ADHD, my DS1 is going through it too, because you tend to look back at what's happened and you can usually pinpoint what you should have done differently, and so you assume, oh I just wasn't taking it seriously/I wasn't trying hard, but next time I will try harder, I will make myself do it and it will be OK.

The problem is that the reason they don't do the sensible thing in the first place is executive dysfunction, and the brain is very good at rationalising these bad choices so they make sense to the person in the moment. So it becomes oh just this once I can skip the lecture (becomes skipping more than half), oh I have a headache, I'll get the slides/recording later (never actually gets round to it), I can't concentrate on this essay now, I'll finish it tomorrow (can't concentrate any better tomorrow, or forgot about social event they can't possibly miss, or got distracted and suddenly remembered essay is due too late). So you get to the end of the line and go fuuuuck. Well that was stupid, I should have gone to the lectures and done the essay earlier. I'll retake it and do it right this time.

Repeat ad infinitum. The problem is that the issue is two or threefold - they don't properly recognise patterns of why they are making bad choices. So they know what they "should" do but don't do it, and don't really understand why they don't do it. Everything seems to make sense individually but taken as a whole even the person with ADHD can see that it's a mess and looks like they aren't trying. This then leads to a depression type response where they don't understand why it never works out and they can't make changes, they start to feel worthless, it can be quite a crushing cycle.

Before I was diagnosed I kept saying look, I know what I'm saying sounds like depression (I'm useless, I never finish anything, I can't reach my potential, I am a terrible friend) but I couldn't understand it because I didn't FEEL depressed and I also knew that what I was saying was true. OK, I accept now that I was never useless even at my least functioning, and I was never a terrible friend although I could be unreliable.

Understanding the ADHD brain and how it works can help a lot because you can start to see the patterns in where you're going wrong and put things in place to combat them. A lot of the time, things which work for NT people such as making a list do not work because ADHD makes it hard to use tools like that. As you've said, I would make lists and then not do anything with the list. I still don't really understand how to use to-do lists at the age of 37, though I am a bit more successful at using them than my younger self was.

I had so many problems with lists - I would forget to put items on the list. I would lose the list. I would lose a pen and give up writing on it. I would forget the list existed. It would not occur to me to look at the list at the right time (I still struggle with this one).

For university I found the best thing was having a big wall calendar and mapping out when my essays were due and extending this back a few weeks so I knew when I needed to be working on things, and adding extra time if two overlapped.

For household stuff I have to have it set on a schedule, not a detailed one, but a rough one so I know what I'm meant to be doing when and it has to have a kind of logic to it - e.g. my washing machine is in the bathroom (I'm abroad) so I always stick in a load when I first wake up to keep it moving. And I know I have to go to the supermarket on Thursdays or I won't have time to do it on any other day, or e.g. in the past I've chained things to other things like doing a shop on the day that I have a course in a location near the shop because it saves me an extra trip out, and that's much easier for me than getting the motivation together to leave the house when I don't technically "have to".

Dr. Russell Barkley was game changing for me - he has a lot of informative presentations on Youtube, although some people find him a bit depressing, I really appreciate the way he spells out what people with ADHD struggle with and how that translates to everyday life. Understanding things like this helped me with workarounds. He is very big on ADHD not being a disorder of not KNOWING what to do, but of not DOING what you KNOW. And reframing it like this is helpful because it stops me looking for magic solutions that I will be able to follow. I already know what to do, that wasn't the problem. My problem is getting myself to do what I know I need to do.

For example, I no longer kid myself that I will have magic endless energy, time and motivation "later" because I recognise that as a false thought. (I know a lot of young people struggle with understanding this as well - but it is life-ruiningly extreme, pathological in fact, in ADHD).

How To ADHD is another good youtube channel because she has short and engaging and positive videos on specific topics, and is well researched.

crazycrofter · 27/04/2026 10:48

Great advice @BertieBotts . What you said about to do lists rings so true (for me as well as my children!).

I spent 18 years working at a big 4 accountancy firm where timesheets had to be submitted daily. I never ever got on top of this process, was regularly in mild trouble because of it and just couldn't understand why I couldn't do it. There were just so many obstacles - writing down what I'd done during the day (where to write it? Where did I put that piece of paper? I haven't got a pen etc), remembering to write it down every time I did something for a different client, especially when I work in an ad-hoc, ADHD, distractable fashion, so I switch tasks regularly without even realising it, remembering to put what I've written down into the online timesheet, remembering to submit the timesheet. Ultimately it was impossible for me and I reached a solution where I tracked what I'd done during the day by the emails I'd sent each day - it was a rough approximation, but it wasn't wildly out. That just left me having to remember to complete the online timesheets and submit them!

It was a revelation when someone who was part of the neurodivergent support team mentioned that autistic people love timesheets, whereas ADHD people struggle with them - it helped so much to realise it wasn't just me!

BertieBotts · 27/04/2026 23:06

Timesheets like that would be a nightmare for me. When I've done bits of freelance work which require me to estimate how long I've spent on something I tend to use software that tracks what browser window you're looking at or what app is being used etc and then use the timings from that. Email is a good one too.

Occasionally I try to track things for myself just to see how I'm doing with it e.g. sleep, food, energy levels or whatever it is - invariably after about day 4 I tend to just forget the whole thing exists and have to go back and figure it out from context clues.

Fawful · 27/04/2026 23:21

Thank you so much for this thread, it’s exactly what I needed. My DS has ASD and ADHD and has interrupted his uni course twice; lost all his money to crypto gambling… And shuts down every conversation about how the next academic year is going to go by saying « I’ll just lock in ». At least right now he has found a job, so is no longer nocturnal. Asked the GP if he could see a psychiatrist to discuss help - I worry that taking SSRIs to lift him out of his depression will make him even more distracted and impulsive. (Of course, even though we mentioned gambling harm, the GP didn’t refer, and just straight up offered SSRIs). He doesn’t take his ADHD meds regularly - should he? He’s not started on the SSRIs.
I’ll have a look at the YouTube videos you mention, @BertieBotts, thank you.
At least he’s open to getting some help next year…
I do wonder how OTs help?
If anyone has recommendations for private psychiatrists or therapy including family therapy, please do share…

Fawful · 27/04/2026 23:30

Not sure why my post is hidden. Respectfully hope MNHQ does hurry taking a look 😌

BertieBotts · 28/04/2026 13:11

It's not hidden any more Smile

He doesn’t take his ADHD meds regularly - should he?

This is really entirely up to him to discuss with his psychiatrist (or whoever prescribes the ADHD medication for him). Some people do take it as-and-when especially if they have short acting medication in order to focus for short bursts. It's an approach people take perhaps when they dislike the effect the medication has on them generally. It's not a common approach though.

Personally I find it works best for me when I do take it every day. My experience is that if I start and stop, it's quite disruptive to me because even though it's a medication which is immediate and wears off within the same day, (ie, it doesn't have to build up in your system the way SSRIs do), if I restart or go up a dose, I tend to find that I feel a bit weird for the first day or two, then it levels out and I'm used to it and I feel normal but more alert and functional, rather than the brain fog/scattered way I feel without medication. And if I skip a day for any reason other than illness, I'll feel terrible, all sluggish and no energy or motivation at all. This is a temporary effect and it goes back to normal after a day or two but it's not an uncommon experience - I understand it's to do with your body having built a bit of a tolerance to the medication. But if I was taking it very sporadically, then I think this would be awful like being on a rollercoaster. OTOH, I know some people take breaks at weekends or school holidays for example without an issue, so not everyone will have the experience I do.

If he's struggling with his sleep and routines, which many people with ADHD do, it might be that that is causing an issue taking medication regularly. I know that for DS1, this has been a recurrent problem because he struggles to get into a good sleep routine and then if he wakes up late, it's too late to take the medication, because if you take it too late in the morning it can affect your sleep at night, so then he has a day where he's not getting the benefit of the medication. We'd also had issues where he was avoiding taking it because he wanted to eat first because it can suppress appetite and/or can come on too fast on an empty stomach, but he was struggling to get going in the morning in order to get up to make/eat breakfast, and then it was too late for him to eat as he would have been late for school so he didn't want to take it on an empty stomach. This I did help with by giving him money to get something from the tuck shop at school, and then we started to buy things like pain-au-chocolat in the individual packaging so he could eat it on the way, but I wasn't initially aware of the issue because it didn't occur to him to ask for help with it.

RRAaaaargh · 28/04/2026 13:35

My son went through almost exactly the same. It's a horrible situation.

He didn't get on with ADHD meds- made him feel really wired and spun out. He has benefited from ADHD specialist coaching- basically a coach/therapist who can help identify patterns, ways of working that help etc. If coaching isn't an option, there are endless resources online and lots of books etc that he might find helpful (a new one out recently is called Cherry Tree Theory- he might find that helpful, it's supposed to be good). Part of the struggle is identifying that the cause isn't that he's useless or lazy- it's an issue with dopamine regulation- and that there are ways to help with that.

  • Boring but all the things that are good for you generally are also good for dopamine regulation- exercise, healthy diet, enough sleep etc. It's a virtuous circle.
  • Avoiding alcohol really helps IME.
  • He could try keeping a log of times he feels motivated and times he feels unmotivated and look to identify patterns.
  • Automate as much as he can-
  • Finances- so many apps now to help with money management. He should experiment with a few and find what works but generally the more he can automate things the easier it will be- bills going out by DD on the day he gets paid etc. For uni I would consider you playing a more active role in his money at least at first- for example, you could take charge of it and pay him a weekly allowance then increase to fortnightly once he's confident, then monthly etc.
  • Loads of apps that will help with time management (although my fave is a big paper diary where I can see the whole week)
  • Help him take the decision making out of things. My DS never missed a day of school in his life because he never considered it was even an option, but as soon as he was at uni he struggled with the fact that going to lectures wasn't strictly compulsory- it turned into a choice- and then the choice was always not to go.
  • Body doubling apps can be great for things like laundry and cleaning- you basically put a video on your phone of someone cleaning their kitchen while you clean your kitchen etc (dubbii is a good one and made by the same guys who wrote the book above- I'm not being paid by them, honest 😂)
  • Once he starts at uni he should register for all the support going and make sure his tutors are aware of his issues. There will almost certainly be a lot of resources for ND kids and most won't need a formal diagnosis.

I have AuDHD myself and was very similar at that age- nearly kicked out of uni, in debt, substance abuse and risky behaviour. I'm now the most organised person you could imagine, completely together with a great job, lovely family etc- the key is understanding yourself and creating systems that work for you.
Please don't beat yourself up. According to DS's psychiatrist it's a common pattern- kids who manage ok at home/school and seem ready to go out into the world and yet go to pieces at uni- the thing that was keeping them together at home and school was the underlying structure. So they now need to build that structure for themselves. Modern halls don't help- far too easy to stay in your room.

OrangeOpalFruits · 28/04/2026 14:15
Flowers
Fawful · 28/04/2026 22:50

Thank you for the replies 😌 Is he thinking of going to uni this September, OP, or next year? My DS is all set to go back this September after a two year interruption. I can’t see how he will manage. The uni is also on the other end of the country (Durham). Can’t comment on their student services as DS did not engage with them… They did try. There was the option of catered halls as well. I think that did help him. I will look into ADHD-specific coaching…

Placestogo · 02/05/2026 11:28

Reading with interest after my 17yo DS with ADHD and medication had a meltdown this morning because “we” failed to wake him up at the correct time for his work placement ….(at first gave me the wrong day and then wrong time and his alarm failed him too).
A few days earlier, “school” failed to give him the right time for his mocks…. (I did have a discussion with him to check the time of mocks as email was sent to parents to say time had changed. He assured me he had checked and had the right time).
i really fear for the future…

Runnersandtoms · 02/05/2026 11:35

Changingforthisone66 · 08/04/2026 08:31

Thank you this is all so encouraging. He's on the Right to Choose pathway, I've no idea how long this could take but I'm desperate for him to be seen if he's keen to try uni again. In answer to the post about dropping the rope at home, we have and he ends up awake all night and sleeping all day. For my own mental health I can't not support him because he needs his job and falls further into depression if left to his own devices. He may be 21 but generally accepts support and advice. We're currently trying to support him in being more proactive rather than reactive and have suggested he writes weekly to do lists. He can write the list but then doesn't do anything about it!

@Changingforthisone66 You can apply for and get DSA support while in a diagnosis pathway. My dd has a personal mentor who helps her with negotiating every day life and a study skills mentor to help keep on track with assignments. She sees each once a week. Although getting someone with ADHD to engage with it can be hard, and you need the right mentor that they get on with (don't be afraid to ask DSA to change mentor if not). She is also on medication but only takes it on days she has to work or has lectures, mostly because otherwise she'll sleep in til lunchtime and then it's too late or it affects her appetite and sleep too much.

SLAMSreadmore · 02/05/2026 11:59

Placestogo · 02/05/2026 11:28

Reading with interest after my 17yo DS with ADHD and medication had a meltdown this morning because “we” failed to wake him up at the correct time for his work placement ….(at first gave me the wrong day and then wrong time and his alarm failed him too).
A few days earlier, “school” failed to give him the right time for his mocks…. (I did have a discussion with him to check the time of mocks as email was sent to parents to say time had changed. He assured me he had checked and had the right time).
i really fear for the future…

Sometimes we have those conversations where it's easier to blame everyone else - I'm a stickler for talking this though to help him to understand his part and come up with a solution. Btw at 17 we didn't think it was sensible for him to go to Uni - we honestly did not think he has enough brain function to cope safely.
It was during lockdown - he spent a lot of it in his room, but within 6 months things changed enormously - I always thought he needed life experience/learn lessons etc - he grew up in his bedroom, his brain function improved enormously - even he noticed. He went to Uni, we didn't get his ADHD diagnosis till near the end of his second year. I can hardly believe the change in him - he holds down a grad job, gets good feedback. Things are still more chaotic at home than I'd like but at 23 years old I can say he's going to be fine. 3 years ago I thought he'd never hold down a job. Ds's brain development was behind his peers but he got there in the end. As my sister says no one puts the age that they rolled over on their cv - kids develop at different rates!

Placestogo · 02/05/2026 13:48

@SLAMSreadmore thank you so much for your post! Im glad for you and your DS. Hopefully mine will mature eventually!! I am trying to remember what it felt like being 17…

crazycrofter · 02/05/2026 13:52

@Placestogo they do improve! Ds did some independent travelling in his gap year with friends and he only missed one flight in Australia as far as I know! He managed south east Asia, even navigating a Vietnamese hospital after a motorcycle accident! I think all that helped him cope better at uni than he would have done a year earlier.

A bit of a milestone two weeks ago - he’s been accepted by his uni to do a semester abroad, but had to submit an application and relevant docs to the French uni (and he speaks no French - yet!). When I got home from work he’d done it and got me to check it through. He said ‘I’m really surprised - when I got up this morning I thought there’s no way I’ll manage all this complicated admin without Mum’s help!’

Changingforthisone66 · 04/05/2026 19:01

@stillhiding1990I don't you understand ADHD. He's not some lazy kid who needs to learn actions have consequences.

OP posts:
Changingforthisone66 · 04/05/2026 19:04

@NoelEdmondsHairGel he definitely struggles with gaming when he feels most depressed as it's something he's good at so he seems to take comfort in it. That said it's not to the exclusion of work or seeing friends, gym etc.

OP posts:
Changingforthisone66 · 04/05/2026 19:06

Thanks everyone for posting. I'd actually forgotten about the thread as we were going through the diagnosis process, that he now has. He's now requested meds, no idea how long that might take to get right. Loads of great information on here though, thanks so much for all the reassurance as well. I'm hopeful we're on the right track.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 04/05/2026 21:16

SLAMSreadmore · 02/05/2026 11:59

Sometimes we have those conversations where it's easier to blame everyone else - I'm a stickler for talking this though to help him to understand his part and come up with a solution. Btw at 17 we didn't think it was sensible for him to go to Uni - we honestly did not think he has enough brain function to cope safely.
It was during lockdown - he spent a lot of it in his room, but within 6 months things changed enormously - I always thought he needed life experience/learn lessons etc - he grew up in his bedroom, his brain function improved enormously - even he noticed. He went to Uni, we didn't get his ADHD diagnosis till near the end of his second year. I can hardly believe the change in him - he holds down a grad job, gets good feedback. Things are still more chaotic at home than I'd like but at 23 years old I can say he's going to be fine. 3 years ago I thought he'd never hold down a job. Ds's brain development was behind his peers but he got there in the end. As my sister says no one puts the age that they rolled over on their cv - kids develop at different rates!

This is reassuring thank you. I don't think my 17yo would cope with uni in a year's time. I think he would be able to look after himself, but I have no faith (which sounds terrible, poor boy!) that he would have the self-discipline to study.

Currently stuck at a bit of a stalemate with school options not sure what he will end up doing for the next couple of years. DH is pushing him to complete (local equivalent of) A Levels "so he has them" which makes sense, but I think DS should follow his instinct and do something more vocational, then go back to get the "A Levels" later on rather than try and fail to complete them. DH is worried if he leaves school now he'll never go back.

OTOH it's all experience whatever ends up happening. I do think he'll be OK long term, I'm just a bit unsettled not really knowing what the next few years look like for him.

SLAMSreadmore · 04/05/2026 23:12

It’s terrifying, but I think one of the drawbacks/superpowers of ADHD is that when you find a passion it’s all consuming but by the same token if you aren’t interested in something it doesn’t get done especially if it’s long term commitment. I don’t think forcing works very well as a technique - it’s an exhausting process all round and will feel like torture. I think the key is to get him started on something he can get deeply interested in - he may need to try a few jobs, they don’t need to be exciting - they just need to be something he can get his teeth into learning. Landscaping, joinery, etc are great because he can learn a lot if he’s interested - something to keep his brains and his hands busy.

adhdconfusion · 15/05/2026 05:26

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