Married to controlling partner who resents my older children, next steps?

[iamafailure]

I am a mother of two children - a son who is 18 and a daughter who is 17. Their father passed away several years ago. Some time after, I entered into a relationship with a man without fully realising the extent of the personal and emotional baggage he carried. He has three ex‑wives and five children. From the beginning, we mutually agreed that we would not have children together, as my priority has always been my own children.

Over the course of the relationship, I found myself constantly trying to please him, often at the expense of my own wellbeing. Many of our conflicts have centred around his past relationships - specifically situations where his ex‑partner would stay overnight with their child. He repeatedly insisted this was normal and necessary in order for him to see his child. I accepted this at the time, but looking back, I realise it was naïve of me to consider it appropriate.
We eventually married, but the issues have not improved. In fact, many of his behaviours have become more apparent and concerning. He is controlling, and he often refers to himself as an “alpha male.” During disagreements, he consistently places blame on me, regardless of the situation. When I attempt to express my feelings, he criticises the way I speak, stand, or behave - claiming I “talk like a man” or “stand like a man.” As a result, I am frequently left feeling emotionally burdened and exhausted.

A significant and ongoing issue is his attitude toward my children. He refuses to take any responsibility for them and frequently finds fault in even the smallest things they do. His behaviour suggests he does not want them in the home and wants my attention solely focused on him. His frustration is evident through actions such as slamming doors or kicking my son’s belongings out of the way. This has created an uncomfortable and unhappy environment for my children.

I am struggling with the emotional and physical load of running the household almost entirely on my own - something we once shared. My children are not happy, and neither am I. I cared for my children on my own before this relationship, and I am capable of doing so again if needed.
I am now at a point where I am unsure what steps to take next.

The Mumsnet community are collectively shouting a huge cheer for you!!😁😁😁😁!!

This is brilliant news. The “time” is as much emotional freedom as actual time - you’ll feel your shoulders go down and that you’re able to take up space, again - it’s amazing how much we batten ourselves down without realising it! There’ll be ups and downs to go yet but you are doing so well. Huge virtual hug.

It must be a huge relief to see your beautiful, children who have already experienced a huge life trauma out of this hideous situation and to bounce back with all of the love and care you and your friends are giving.

Yes, definitely slow and steady with the gym, you will build up your fitness. I don’t do classes as I don’t have the co-ordination but I think it’s also a good way to get to know people in a low stakes friendly way. I usually see the same faces and the gym and have a few people to say hello to. I built up my cardio and weights literally by adding on minutes and kgs very slowly. So nothing to laugh at there, all sounds normal.
Reading your update, my main thought was no wonder he complained about your DC, he wanted your time all for himself and his needs and you must have been increasingly exhausted. I think that kind of creeps up on you, you do more and more to keep the peace and when you take a step back, you realise how much of yourself you have lost. Take your time finding yourself again, it will be fun at times, scary and lonely at times, but you are doing great. It’s great that you have a good support network.

@iamafailure

Now that all of that is gone, I suddenly have so much time… and I almost don’t know what to do with it. I know I should use this space to focus on myself-on the things I want to do, the things I’ve postponed for years because I simply didn’t have the time or energy.

Sometimes there is benefit to just enjoying that space. 'Empty space' can feel pretty good when we haven't had it for years. It's something that I'm enjoying, the 'doing nothing'. And I'm learning that as I'm healing, the space is slowly starting to fill itself with calmness and peace. And also the energy to do things I never thought to do for myself.

Well done OP! You have been absolutely amazing.

...we have our own place, private renting, deposit paid, contracts signed, holding on tight to these keys. Petrified and over the moon, mixed emotions right now 🔑🏠

Brilliant. Well done and congratulations!

Fantastic news! Keep posting to let us know how you are getting on!

well done OP!
Mixed feelings are normal and absolutely okay....things will just keep getting better day by day now!
Yes please do keep in touch if you get chance and enjoy your new life to the fullest💐

That’s fantastic. You have really turned this around. Onwards and upwards for you and your DCs.

Today has completely messed me up. I’ve secured a house for me and my kids and instead of feeling happy, I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t feel ready for this at all. It’s like I’ve taken on something massive and now it’s hitting me all at once and I can’t handle it.

I’ve been emotional all day, tears, snapping at nothing, everything setting me off. I feel so overwhelmed I can barely think straight. My head is full of doubt and fear and I keep thinking, what if I’ve made a mistake? What if I can’t do this?

I don’t feel strong right now. I feel scared, drained, and completely overloaded. This should feel like a good thing, but instead it just feels heavy and suffocating.

Part of me is even wondering if I should just stay at my mum’s for a while so I can actually breathe and try to heal, because right now I don’t feel okay at all.

Securing the house does not stop you staying at your mum’s for a bit as and when you need to. But if you don’t take the house, then you lose the option of your own space.
It is very early days and it is a lot of change all at once, which, in an ideal world, you would not have wanted - but this ideal world involved your ex being the person you thought he was going to be, not the person he turned out to be.
The thing is, you know the person he is, you have that information, and people don’t really change. And if he changes now, why did he not change before you got to breaking point?

I do think it’s difficult and it is overwhelming because in an ideal world, you would not be in this situation. But it’s actually okay - you have a job and the means of paying the rent; you have friends and family supporting you, and you have wonderful DC. You have started to do new things but there is no rush. Step by step. It does not get okay overnight. In fact, sometimes the loneliness is miserable and awful, but it’s not so far been so bad that I want to give up my independence to the wrong person more than be lonely and overwhelmed now and then.

take the pressure off yourself. You have done a lot and there is plenty of time. It’s okay to cry. Make sure you get enough sleep, drink enough water and take a deep breath. All the main things are done and everything else will sort itself in time. I would take the house but don’t put pressure on yourself to be happy and sorted in it next week. Or even next month. Just slowly start to think what would make it feel like home.

It is perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed when one finds oneself at such a major crossroads, but the reasons for what you are doing have not changed.

Focus on the practicalities and stay connected with supportive friends and family- everything else will fall into place.

This might just be ‘buyers remorse’ after making a big commitment which will pass in a few days. It will be a roller coaster - be aware of that in your body and let the emotions metabolise in your gut and not get stuck forever ruminating in your head. The house is a reality whereas your DMs was temporary and maybe subconsciously you had thoughts that the knight is shining armour would reappear and scoop you all up. Maybe this is triggering an area of unresolved grief from losing your DCs father and maybe that needs tending to. Take it slowly be compassionate with yourself- your world has turned upside down again rapidly allow yourself to catch up.

Good advice.

You've had to turn things around really quickly and it was a LOT. It's not surprising that you feel overwhelmed.
Take a bit of time to get used to all the changes.
Nothing wrong at all with having a bit more TLC and security at your Mums whilst sorting the new place.
There's no rush now. No urgency. There's time to think and to plan and to get used to things, without immediately making more immediate decisions. You've made so many recently that even small decisions feel like a big deal.
Give yourself and DCs a little break - you can slow down a bit so you are not facing an unwieldy To Do list.
Go out with friends, go to the cinema.. have a walk and a picnic with family/DC... and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy the fact that you can now do whatever YOU want, without reference to people who did not have your best interests at heart. You don't have to be constantly upbeat. You can be how you feel like being. Wishing you all the best

What you’ve done took courage. It’s very common to feel doubt, grief, guilt, or even nostalgia for the good moments. That doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice, it usually means you’re grieving the relationship you hoped it could be, not the reality of how you were being treated. You’re going to go through emotional stages very similar to the Kübler-Ross grief curve — shock, denial, anger, sadness, doubt — before gradually moving toward acceptance and rebuilding. The “wobble” you’re feeling is part of healing, not a sign you should go back.

There’s good, practical reading that explains why leaving coercive or controlling relationships often triggers self-doubt and how that fades with time. The UK charity Women’s Aid has clear guidance on recognising coercive control and rebuilding confidence. Refuge also has resources specifically for women leaving controlling partners, including advice on emotional recovery. And if you want to understand the grief-style emotional swings, reading about the Kübler-Ross change curve (often called the grief curve) can be very reassuring, it shows that doubt and sadness are expected phases before confidence returns. None of this erases how hard it feels right now but it does mean what you’re feeling is normal, and it won’t always feel this raw.

if you want to stay at your mum’s a little longer, do! Take some time to get the new place ready, either your stuff, feeling and smelling like yours (candles, air freshener, your perfume, whatever it takes)!

Good post. Agree you have displayed immense courage - and courage can’t exist without fear.

Your adrenaline and cortisol are rinsing through you. If you can attend to that and take steps to be aware of it, accept it physiologically and know what agency you have to address it - switch up your physical state - chat to the DCs, get out for a swim, walk, bake a cake, take a bath.

@iamafailure

Sometimes we just have to take that leap of faith despite our fear. You've done your finances, you know you can afford the new place. My advice would be to take it and if you have to spend a few nights at Mum's to settle yourself, so be it.

But I think that you, like me, will actually revel in having your very own home, done just the way you want it, with a door you can shut and lock to keep 'unwanted visitors' outside. A home that is peaceful and calm where YOU set the rules.

Can you go over every day & get used to it ? Start filling wardrobes, clean the kitchen, turn on the radio or play your playlist to have background noise. Measure for curtains.
Buy some flowers put them in the sunshine, make a coffee & have a pen & paper as you look at your new haven, where you can build back the old you, before he sucked the joy out of your life.
It does not have to feel perfect. Just Yours.

This is a WONDERFUL idea!!!!

Thank you so much for the advice. I genuinely don’t think you realise how much it helped me. I decided not to take the house. It hurt to walk away, but I knew deep down I wasn’t ready. My head is still noisy and my heart is still carrying too much.

The landlord was amazing and completely understood, which honestly made me cry more than anything. No pressure, no judgment - just kindness.

I’m staying at my mum’s for now. It’s not where I thought I’d be, and that’s hard to admit, but it’s where I need to be. I need time. Time to breathe, to save, to feel steady again. Just a few months to let my mind calm down and my heart soften after everything it’s been through.

The kids understood straight away and have been unbelievably supportive. It breaks me a little because it feels like they’re the ones looking after me when it should be the other way round. But I’m so grateful for them, more than they’ll ever know. We’re taking this one step at a time, together.

Well done for putting yourself and what you need right now first 💐this sounds like it was the right decision for you. You have had an awful lot to deal with.

That’s a good call - it shows that you are aware of your mind and body and it’s current capacity and also that you accept where you are at for now and have used your agency to make another tough decision - it will all be fine. Take a breath and enjoy the sunshine. No rush - you are just in transition and I am sure your Mum is delighted to care for her daughter and grandchildren.

@iamafailure

The kids understood straight away and have been unbelievably supportive. It breaks me a little because it feels like they’re the ones looking after me when it should be the other way round. But I’m so grateful for them, more than they’ll ever know. We’re taking this one step at a time, together.

That time comes for all parents when our DC 'flip roles' and become our source of support. You and DC will 'rebalance' things when the time is right and your relationship will be all the richer for that.

My sons have been incredibly supporting as I work my way through this separation. They're older than yours though so they really don't need 'mummy-type support' anymore. But we now have a relationship more as 'equals' where we support and lean on each other in equal measures. I'll always be their mum, but now I'm a friend, too.