Married to controlling partner who resents my older children, next steps?

[iamafailure]

I am a mother of two children - a son who is 18 and a daughter who is 17. Their father passed away several years ago. Some time after, I entered into a relationship with a man without fully realising the extent of the personal and emotional baggage he carried. He has three ex‑wives and five children. From the beginning, we mutually agreed that we would not have children together, as my priority has always been my own children.

Over the course of the relationship, I found myself constantly trying to please him, often at the expense of my own wellbeing. Many of our conflicts have centred around his past relationships - specifically situations where his ex‑partner would stay overnight with their child. He repeatedly insisted this was normal and necessary in order for him to see his child. I accepted this at the time, but looking back, I realise it was naïve of me to consider it appropriate.
We eventually married, but the issues have not improved. In fact, many of his behaviours have become more apparent and concerning. He is controlling, and he often refers to himself as an “alpha male.” During disagreements, he consistently places blame on me, regardless of the situation. When I attempt to express my feelings, he criticises the way I speak, stand, or behave - claiming I “talk like a man” or “stand like a man.” As a result, I am frequently left feeling emotionally burdened and exhausted.

A significant and ongoing issue is his attitude toward my children. He refuses to take any responsibility for them and frequently finds fault in even the smallest things they do. His behaviour suggests he does not want them in the home and wants my attention solely focused on him. His frustration is evident through actions such as slamming doors or kicking my son’s belongings out of the way. This has created an uncomfortable and unhappy environment for my children.

I am struggling with the emotional and physical load of running the household almost entirely on my own - something we once shared. My children are not happy, and neither am I. I cared for my children on my own before this relationship, and I am capable of doing so again if needed.
I am now at a point where I am unsure what steps to take next.

Aw the last thing you are is a failure. He got you when you were weak after a bereavement and is a skilled manipulator (ask his exes!!) so if purse he’s put doubts in your head. Recognise that and move on at your pace and when you’re ready . You are strong and brave 💕💪
He was a manipulative and mean little pr^ck xxxxx

*of course lol

I chose to visit him yesterday because I wanted clarity. I went in aware of what I needed to say and why I was there. I wasn’t looking for conflict or validation, I wanted understanding.

As soon as he started talking, I saw exactly how it works. There was no space for my voice, not because I lacked words, but because the conversation was never meant to include my perspective. At one point, he said I could speak, that I could say whatever I wanted to say, but by then, the reality was already clear. What would have been the point, when nothing I said was ever going to be taken in?

He then said he wanted to make a few points and asked to speak further. I chose not to listen. I told him, please don’t. That was a deliberate decision, not avoidance, a boundary. I wasn’t there to absorb more of the same, and I didn’t owe him my attention simply because he wanted it.

He also added, “Don’t do anything that you would regret in the future.” Hearing that only reinforced what I was already seeing, as though my restraint, my silence, or my refusal to play a role already written for me was something that needed to be cautioned against.

It became clear that he had already decided who I was before I arrived. In his version of events, I wasn’t there to be heard, I was there to apologise for the hurt that I had caused him, to carry responsibility that was never mine alone. That assumption gave me the clarity I was looking for. This wasn’t about resolution or mutual accountability; it was about maintaining control and preserving a story where I remain at fault.

I understand now that no amount of explanation would change that narrative. In his eyes, I was wrong then, I am wrong now, and I would always be wrong, regardless of my intentions, my feelings, or the truth. And I no longer need to defend myself against that.

When I left, I felt relieved. Not because it didn’t hurt, but because I finally saw the situation for what it is. I didn’t fail to speak, I made a conscious choice not to engage in a pattern that erases me. I know my God knows the truth, and that gives me peace. I have clarity now, and I am in control of what I do with it.

Good for you. It’s not easy. I realised, belatedly, that one of the things that had stopped me leaving sooner was an unconscious anxiety that he would not “agree” with my reasons for leaving and that somehow I had to be able to convince him that I was right to leave, and justify myself, in order to do so. Sounds crazy, now, but goes to show the level of control that was being exerted.

Be prepared for the next stage, where he realises you’re not coming back, he has lost control, and he turns nasty/mean. I was genuinely appalled, even in the circumstances of a breakup, that the man I thought I knew could say such terribly hurtful things to me. By no means the worst, but some of the ones that stuck with me were “You look like a whipped dog waiting for another beating” (funny, that) and “you’re so skinny now, you’ve got no boobs and no one will fancy you” (last thing on my mind anyway at the time!).

In one spiteful episode, despite me saying that he should just take whichever books/CDs/videos he wanted, even if that was all of them, he insisted on making me sit through him going through five tall bookcases’ worth one evening to divide them up (I got through several boxes of tissues and several bottles of wine and tried to get up and leave the room several times but was ordered to sit back down - we were still living under the same roof, which didn’t help). Now, of course, I look back and think “why did I let that happen?” but I understand exactly why and feel only sorrow for the version of me that went through it.

I hope you’re already breathing easier and feeling a whole lot better about life and the future. There will still be rotten moments to come but they important thing to remember is that these are now TEMPORARY and not how the rest of your life will be.

I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Your message moved me deeply because it felt so familiar, and it brought me to tears. It takes a lot of strength to carry an experience like that, and I truly pray that you are well and finding peace.

Yesterday, I picked up my books and left the holy book on the shelf. It felt right to leave it there. He told me to take it with me, and I quietly said, “It is the Qur’an, it is neither mine nor yours. There is nothing wrong with it staying here.” He insisted that I take it.

That moment hurt me more than I expected. My heart sank, not because of disagreement, but because even something sacred was drawn into the tension. The Qur’an is above ego and ownership, and seeing it treated otherwise felt deeply unsettling.

This will stay with me forever. And yet, even in that sadness, I remind myself that my intentions were sincere. I know my God knows the truth, and holding onto that brings me comfort and calm.

I am sorry that he put you through humiliating experience - however the only thing I can think of is it was a deeply painful lesson to learn and embed how cruel he is - maybe even darker than you were aware - and that this will help you to put the final nails in the coffin if you doubt yourself.

It’s progress that you have collected your books but I would advise to stop / minimise any personal contact with him alone - as it’s just putting you into punching distance of his abuse - consider he is a scorpion it’s not ‘if’ he will sting it’s just ‘when’.

A character like this will get proper nasty when rejected so you really need to be out of their way.

You’ve taken yet another important step - take it easy now.

This is a remarkable insight / awareness. You got your closure and clarity in a way that you didn’t anticipate but because you are flexible and resilient in your thinking and behaviours you were able to respond to the situation with emotional integrity. You can’t argue, discuss, debate, seek resolution / consensus with an irrational individual who has to ‘win’ the battle (but he loses the war).

@iamafailure

I salute your courage in 'bearding the lion in his den'. And am so happy that you came through it with wisdom and a measure of peace.

I truly believe that God does understand exactly why we have made and will continue to make the decisions we are making. He is all-knowing and all-understanding. My Holy Book says "You may make your plans, but God directs your actions" Proverbs 16:9. To me this means that if we are sincere in our prayers for guidance He will let us know which of our chosen paths will lead to our greatest happiness. My Holy Book may not be the same as your Holy Book, but our God is the same, the God of Abraham.

3 ex wives and 5 children
lady, really???

I know 🫣

I’m just gonna pause right now on this thread to say I just smiled and whooped in delight. I’m hoping the good news continues as I read on…

Finished. Still yay!! Phew.

you’re awesome op ❤️