DD difficult to live with and getting worse

[2026problemsandDDcanbeone]

DD 22 is a lovely, bright young woman but very, very difficult to live with. This became increasingly so after finishing college: she cut off most of her friends, wanted a gap year (she didn’t do much with it) and eventually enrolled in online uni, so she’s at home and works about 12h/week.

I’m so tired. 4 years of only my wage coming in and next to no help running the house. I’m lucky if she washes her dishes. I think her weed smoking has become an addiction. I don’t want my home stinking of weed and we’ve had multiple arguments on this front. I don’t know what else to do.

She does about 5 loads of washing per week and I’ve counted 4 hours worth of showers in two days. I’m at the end of my rope and ever since she started doing uni online my bills have just gone up and up and up. Never took a bin out (doesn’t like the bin area), never hoovered anything (dust allergies), never helps with shopping (has no time). Used socks, contact lenses and flossing string everywhere.

I’ve had therapy last year and was told I’m essentially in burnout stage. I’ve been trying to do some exercises for self-care, but the constant stress of not feeling at peace in my own place is really getting to me.

I don’t want DD to move out, I just want her to be considerate but it’s like it doesn’t register with her. I’ve also been in a relationship for the past 4 years (DD’s father died when she was 8 so it’s just us) and I would like it to progress to living together, but how can I do it when this is my reality?

Please be kind. I don’t know what to do, if I try to say anything she feels attacked and defensive. It never leads anywhere.

What does she say when you speak with her about it? X

Why don't you want her to move out? I genuinely think it's the answer.

I was so unhappy living with my parents after uni, but not brave enough to do anything else. When they started charging me rent I decided to move out and it was the best thing, honestly. I just needed that push.

I think it's perfectly fair to say no weed in my house.

How is she paying for her classes? What’s she doing with the money she’s earning?
If she’s wasting her money and expecting you to pay all her living/studying expenses, that’s not ok. Of course you want to support her through uni, but she needs to behave like the adult she is.

My DD (20) is at uni and she has a part-time job a few hours a week that she uses towards her expenses.

That’s so hard. I don’t think you are doing her any favours by letting her live like this.

Do you think she needs help and support to be able to manage? (Not from you) Has this all started since smoking the weed?

She either flat out denies it or says “you do you, I’m not arguing” and leaves. Then the next day she’ll just talk to me like nothing happened.

It’s your house. If you want to take her bedroom door off its hinges, you can. She can have it back when she consistently behaves like an adult.

Sometimes, a slap in the face with a wet fish is the course necessary to get the result you need.

I want her to move out but I’d rather it happens when she feels ready, I’d hate for her to move out just because she’s angry at me, if that makes sense.

My relationship with my family also improved after I moved out, but she doesn’t seem interested in doing anything that requires responsibility or being accountable. She already mentioned quitting her job if they add a manager to her shift (evening shift, usually no management around).

She needs to follow house rules or move out. She’s taking the proverbial.

She’s doing uni fully online, so she has a loan for her tuition and then she uses the money from her PT job for her expenses (ie going out, transport, whatever bits and bobs she spends on).

A few months ago I sat down with her and we agreed on £20/week (before that it was 0) with the idea of helping me keep things going but also to start getting her used to paying for something, but she’s constantly late. I’ve told her to set up a direct debit and she says it’s not necessary because “it’s not real rent”. She’s currently behind 2 weeks.

Sort of. She’s never been the most organised, but I’d say everything got substantially worse after college finished. I think having to leave the house and keep a proper schedule helped.

Online uni allows her to study whenever and her job is only 2-3 evenings per week. Her sleeping pattern is completely messed up.

She whines that I don’t do enough with her, but when I try to make plans she never wants to either. It always has to be when she wants or nothing.

I’ve never smoked myself, my boyfriend (I’m too old for boyfriends but I don’t know what to call him) thinks it’s definitely the weed and that it’s a bad sign that she’s not even doing it socially anymore, but rather holed up by herself.

A while ago I suggested counselling and she shot it down straight away saying she hasn’t done anything wrong, what was I implying?

Do you pay for her food? Phone? WiFi? Transport?
If it was me I'd be making those conditional on pulling her weight and not smoking weed in the house.
Is she actually studying?
I've just started my 11yo on Joon which is an app for younger kids that gives screen time or pocket money based on having done homework and helping round the house. Sounds like something like that for young adults is needed!

But she won't ever be ready as she has too good a set up with you. She really needs to move out because she won't change. Allowing her to depend on you and free load to this extent wont really do her any good in the long run. I know its not easy but she needs to move out so you can get on with your life. Would you let your partner move in while she is there or would that be a recipe for disaster.

Oh OP, I am so sad for you, my 19 nearly 20 yr old is much the same, no job, smokes weed all the time and disrespects the house. Lots of reasons why O can’t throw him out, NM feelings aside, it’s just so hard and I am broken too. Hand holding x, no advice x

You don’t want her to move out? Why not? she sounds like a nightmare, especially the weed. Are you making allowances for her because she lost her dad and you are trying to compensate? She needs to grow up. My DD (23) is not the best housemate but she will do the dishwasher, tidy up, cook me dinner.
Could you ask her to make a long term plan, to move out within 12 months for example?

I pay for general food for the house, she’s always included on takeaways and invited for meals out too and I pay for the WiFi but she covers her own phone and transport.

She’s definitely studying, I’m not worried on that front, fortunately.

Re. Quitting her job. Ask her what would happen if you decided to quit your job?!

Adults can’t just quit their jobs with no plan as to how they’ll pay their bills, we simply don’t have that option!

Re. The long showers and washing. Show her your utility bills so she can see how much water she’s using. She’ll be shocked at how much she wastes and the environmental impact. Then you can ask her to contribute to the high bills-and/or start conserving water.

I’d like her to move out but not on bad terms with me, if that makes sense.

I think I’ve definitely been overcompensating and it’s what caused this. I never intended for her to turn out so entitled, I thought I was just supporting her so she wouldn’t struggle.

Honestly we’d rather relocate, but even moving in would be a plus for me. The only reason we haven’t done it yet is because she ended up staying at uni studying, I’d be happy to have moved in together 1-2 years ago. 4 years in seems enough for me to be sure I want him in my life.

Again he’s also not opposed to her living with us due to the cost of living and for her to save for a deposit (or whatever she wants), the only issue really is how she lives. We both work FT and when he stays over often we wake up with her messing about in the kitchen at all hours, showering at 3am, etc.

He proposed if I don’t want to do it by myself he can also sit down with her so that she can’t bs me about the weed, but I’m worried about her thinking we’re ganging up on her.

Stop worrying about whether she’ll like you or not! Tell her what you want to happen and stick to it. If she moves out because she’s unhappy with you then that’s ok. She’s making your life miserable and that’s not ok. It’s time she was treated like a grown up.

Yeah don’t do that. It’s none of his business

This is really difficult op. I think I would have intervened before she decided to study on line and live at home but at least she is studying and working pt so that’s good.

Socially though she is isolated, she is smoking weed, her sleep schedule is out of whack, and she is not pulling her weight at home.

I think there is a point at which supporting becomes enabling and I think you are within your rights to say that you would like a meeting with her to discuss some important matters. Take her out to lunch in a neutral place and really listen to her and ask her how the arrangement is going from her pov and how she feels in herself?

And then tell her how it is from your perspective but I would approach it from the pov of being concerned about her mh, Her behaviour is of course disrespectful to you crashing around at 3 am and not pulling her weight but you won’t get far if she gets very defensive.

Tell her that if she was away at university, you wouldn’t care if she was up all night and not doing the housework, not seeing friends. and you wouldn’t know if she was smoking weed or not, but she chose to live at home and you live there too and you find these things worrying and upsetting because you love her!

What year of university is she in op? I think you are within your rights to say that if things don’t improve, you will be reassessing the arrangement after the end of this academic year, because you are worried that an extended adolescence is not doing her any favours.

Also you need to set some expectations around the summer holidays and how she is going to use the time?

Maybe decide on a compromise about her moving out within an agreed time? My DDs became a lot more appreciative of home comforts once they moved away and had to shop, cook and clean for themselves!

Is there any way you could afford to support her financially in shared student accommodation op? Maybe a deposit and a portion of the rent per month? Maybe if your bf moved in and shared some of your living expenses?

Or could you move in with your bf and rent out your house and your dd would have her corners knocked off by having to share your current home with the other tenants?

The only thing that makes me uneasy with all of this op is whether she has underlying mh issues? Why is she so socially isolated at her age? Has this been a pattern since childhood? Has she always found friendships difficult? People often smoke weed to calm anxiety or avoid confronting difficult issues. Why did she drop all of her friends? She also seems quite dependent on you for her age? Do you think she has a mh issue, an SEN or is she ND perhaps?

Is her weed smoking at the point where it is causing her to lose friends and drop her responsibilities? It is a bit worrying if she is smoking alone at home?

i would definitely make it a condition of her living at home that you see her exam results at the end of this academic year. If it comes to it, I think you are within your rights to try and find out how much she is smoking, whether or not it is impacting negatively on her life and if it is, say no weed in your house and if she wants to smoke she either stops smoking, seeks help for her addiction, or moves out.

Edited to say that so many dc of this age are struggling, and I think it’s because they had such a shit time during the pandemic, which really ruined the second pivotal A level year and the first year or so of university. They missed out on useful life lessons! Your dd is certainly not alone in that op! It’s been tough for them and yet this is not acknowledged and they have just been expected to carry on as if nothing hapoened!

Thank you for taking the time, I’ll try to reply to everything.

The studying online was a last minute thing sprung on me, on the last week of applications. She went to open days and by all accounts was going to uni FT, then last minute wanted to do it online and travel. I think she was counting on a maintenance loan and then found out if you study online from home, you don’t get one.
She still talks to a few friends but not like before (she sees them maybe every other week) and she also stopped all sleepovers because she didn’t want me to be here anymore if she had them.

We had a meeting a while ago (when I suggested that she’s responsible for the dishes as she doesn’t want to do anything else) and she did it for a few weeks, then they started piling up again. I created a calendar but it started getting ignored a couple months in.

I am concerned for her MH but she shuts down any suggestion of counselling. My boyfriend is ND and even he suggested maybe she needs assessing, but again she says “how embarrassing”. My family is very aware of MH (my mother has profound MH issues) so it’s not like she grew up with it being taboo.

She doesn’t want to live with anyone. I feel the only reason she wants to live with me is because I’m away all day so she gets to do whatever she wants during the day with no one to take into consideration and all bills are paid. A few months in of me dating my now boyfriend she suggested me moving in with him and leaving her my place. I was shocked and very hurt that I’d be so easily discarded. I’m in social housing so renting out isn’t an option.

My “theory” is that she’s extremely anxious about becoming independent and is regressing, I can only compare her behaviour with me to that of a toddler. I feel touched out, which sounds insane at this stage. She was 100% not like this before, it’s like extreme anxiety but then it becomes inappropriate. I’ve had (multiple times) to ask her to leave my bedroom because she’ll either barge in without knocking or say we’re about to change into our pjs/change after a walk, she’ll just come in and stand there talking while we’re obviously waiting for her to leave so we can get changed. Or if she’s watching TV and I come in and talk I’ll be shouted at, but if I’m/we’re watching TV she’ll come in and talk nonstop or otherwise be very loud.

My boyfriend thinks this might be anxiety from sensing her set up (that has suited her perfectly) might be changing in the future and that maybe I should comfort her in that aspect, but I don’t know how much more comforting and reassurance I can give her. We always include her, I try to always have 1:1 time with her, we talk a lot. I don’t see what’s lacking in this area, what I see is a young adult who refuses any feedback at all because she’s always right, but to an extreme. I can’t say anything because the reactions are always OTT.

Put a lock on your door as a start. How dare another adult just barge into your bedroom? Don't get your bf (who sounds very sensible) involved in conversations with her.

I would also consider giving her a timeline to move out, Op. You have been told that you are in burnout. You could end up very unwell yourself. I do get it. Have a DD older than yours who has been at times a real challenge to live with. But you need clear boundaries that you stick to.

She sounds horrendously immature and selfish, your comment about being stuck as a toddler is very true.
this is absolutely a situation where she needs tough love and a wake up call.
what is she actually studying? Is there an actual employment prospective?