I think your bf is right op. And I think you are spot on too about the anxiety. You sound like a really sensitive and sympathetic parent and you have obviously done everything you can to help your dd.
But everything about your reply screams to me that your dd needs assessing! School is quite a structured environment and it’s not unusual that everything starts falling apart for a high masking girl with ASD or ADHD around about the time they go to uni. Any problems go under the radar at school when they are academically able and conscientious about their studies.
My ND dd used to do exactly the same thing about coming in to my bedroom at night when I was falling asleep and broadcasting at me! She wouldn’t want to speak to me the rest of the day! Btw she has come through that phase now and has moved out and has made a lot of progress since, so although your dd may not be as independent or socially mature as her peers yet, there is light at the end of the tunnel. She has made progress throughout her life since she was a little girl and that won’t all stop now, and progress may be even faster if she discovers the right tools with which to navigate life.
Of course ND is no excuse not to behave respectfully and to do her share of house work but it may explain the weed smoking if she has high levels of anxiety. And it dies need addressing.
Ditto the way she is finding transitioning to adult life difficult and coping with the changes in her personal circumstances that you being in a relationship brings. Young people with ASD often get very anxious when they feel that they are not in control of changing circumstances.
Her comment “how embarrassing” is rather strange! And quite immature. Which is interesting in itself from an ASD perspective! Would she say that about other people with anxiety or ASD? What does she know about autism or ADHD, especially in young women?
Has she read any good books about how ASD or ADHD presents in females? Or watched any You Tube videos made by ND advocates? There is some very good information out there that might explain and normalise this for her, Does she think mh issues that often go along with being ND eg anxiety are “embarrassing” because of your mother’s mh problems?
Incidentally, there is a strong genetic link with autism so could your mother’s mh issues be linked to being neurodiverse or experiencing autistic burn out? You said you got on better with your mother after you moved out?
Obviously you don’t have to answer here op but it’s worth thinking about. What you describe as “regression” is probably your dd unmasking or being unable to mask any longer.
Have a read of these threads here and see if anything resonates maybe?
DD wanting to leave uni. Lonely and finds day to day life anxiety inducing. Will she always be like this? on the parents of adult children board.
Advice welcome for young adult daughter struggling with MH on the mh board.
I hope you and your dd can find a way forward op. 💐. And that you can get some support for yourself too as this situation is very draining,
She definitely needs to be made aware that she is not alone and that if she does have ASD or ADHD or has a mh issue she is still “normal” she just needs some targeted help.
It’s interesting isn’t it how many young women of her age are struggling? If a student is twenty-two now it means that their last year of school doing A levels, and first year or first years of uni were negatively affected by the pandemic. They missed out on two years of social development at a crucial time. ASD or no ASD, no wonder they are struggling now!