DD difficult to live with and getting worse

[2026problemsandDDcanbeone]

DD 22 is a lovely, bright young woman but very, very difficult to live with. This became increasingly so after finishing college: she cut off most of her friends, wanted a gap year (she didn’t do much with it) and eventually enrolled in online uni, so she’s at home and works about 12h/week.

I’m so tired. 4 years of only my wage coming in and next to no help running the house. I’m lucky if she washes her dishes. I think her weed smoking has become an addiction. I don’t want my home stinking of weed and we’ve had multiple arguments on this front. I don’t know what else to do.

She does about 5 loads of washing per week and I’ve counted 4 hours worth of showers in two days. I’m at the end of my rope and ever since she started doing uni online my bills have just gone up and up and up. Never took a bin out (doesn’t like the bin area), never hoovered anything (dust allergies), never helps with shopping (has no time). Used socks, contact lenses and flossing string everywhere.

I’ve had therapy last year and was told I’m essentially in burnout stage. I’ve been trying to do some exercises for self-care, but the constant stress of not feeling at peace in my own place is really getting to me.

I don’t want DD to move out, I just want her to be considerate but it’s like it doesn’t register with her. I’ve also been in a relationship for the past 4 years (DD’s father died when she was 8 so it’s just us) and I would like it to progress to living together, but how can I do it when this is my reality?

Please be kind. I don’t know what to do, if I try to say anything she feels attacked and defensive. It never leads anywhere.

@BadSkiingMum hi, thank you for asking!

We had a really long conversation, it didn’t go very well, she was very upset and I feel very discouraged, but at least we talked and ever since then there hasn’t been any weed smell in the house. I don’t know if it will be short lived, but I’ll take it for now.

She still maintains she doesn’t know what I’m talking about (regarding general untidiness etc) so I’m supposed to make a list with tasks etc that need doing at home. She refuted pretty much everything I said and shot down all my suggestions too.

I’m not over the moon with this list situation because it’s yet another thing for me to manage when frankly all I want is for her to be more considerate, but I’m hoping maybe we’ll start with a list and once she gets the gist she’ll naturally understand how much easier it is to just keep things tidy as we go along.

He sounds like a lovely man.

This is MN so I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not, but honestly he is. He did some DYI in her bedroom this weekend that she requested and she seemed happy with it!

I understand that you feel like ots jist one more thing to manage but it sounds as though she needs clear direction. Have a look at the TOMM website. I think she still has printable daily tasks. When my BF had 2 older ND at home she laminated them and told them she écœures the jobs done before she got home and it worked.

I’d use the moving in with the boyfriend as an excuse id offer 3 options 1) she moves out and finds her own way. 2) you leave her your social housing house (if you can pass it down) but would be in her name, she be responsible for rent, bills etc. it would be hers. 3) she moves in to your new home with your boyfriend but understands that it’s his home too and there will be rules that she must live by or find alternative accommodation.

I hate to say this but you are being a complete doormat. Move your partner in, ban the weed immediately, charge her £200 a month rent and no less and put in place some non negotiable house rules. It’s not a fucking flat share she’s living in your home and is taking the piss on a monumental scale.

She’s taking the piss and needs to contribute to bills and food and find a job with more hours

to stop buying /smoking weed

Even if she is ND i dont think it’s unreasonable to talk to her again about not making a noise whilst you’re asleep and paying her rent.

Depending on how the conversation goes, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to change the wifi password and stop including her in takeaways if she’s late wirh her rent.

I would also give talk to her about you wanting to move and give her say 6 months notice? If she’s currently studying for her finals though, this may be bad timing.

I can’t pass it down I think but I might need to review that (I know I can if I died, I remember that much), my idea would be for my partner to move in so we can aggressively save together for a house.

Since my last comment she’s also had a talk with my partner when I was at work (he was here for a builder’s appointment) and a lot more transpired, she fessed up to him because she knows she can’t bs him like she does with me (I know next to nothing about things like weed).

Saying that, she’s definitely been a little better, very annoyed at everything but no smell of weed at all.

your effectively subsidising the weed smoking here OP. Tell her if she can afford that she can afford more rent. She’s a grown adult, time to start acting like one