Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Son dropped this bombshell

67 replies

Soditsally · 20/01/2026 19:19

Not sure why I’m posting , have no one to talk to and just want to say this out loud. My adult son 27 as just told me he’s 6 months clean of using cocaine . He’s apologised for taking advantage of me financially, doing very little to help me for last few years and becoming more distant
He’s been using for almost 3 years and was sacked 2 years ago because of it. Found another job quite soon and lives about 100 miles away so not seeing him every day . He has absolutely been taking advantage financially but I never ever would have guessed this is why. It perhaps came to a head at the end of the summer when I got angry at him asking for more money , which although I’m not rich at all I was able to help him but frustrated at his lack of financial responsibility.
I’m so absolutely shocked , worried and heartbroken. I don’t know what to say to him , he’s text and sent a heartfelt apology but not spoken to me at all
I don’t know what to say to him either . How do we move on ? What can I believe he says ever again ?
I thought we were very close , now it makes sense and feels like that relationship was just fake . I feel so unloved , used abused . I really feel lost and don’t know what to do next .
Sorry this was long . Please be kind .

OP posts:
Moen · 20/01/2026 19:22

Addiction is an awful disease. It’s not an excuse, but an explanation.

Can you access support? I’m sure there must be local substance misuse services that can point you in the right direction. The Change, Grow, Live website might help?

What do you want to do next OP? It was brave of your son to be honest and apologise, but you need to think of yourself and your boundaries too.

Lifesyoungdream · 20/01/2026 19:22

He is six months clean try and focus on. We all make mistakes in life some worst than others.I hope he continues to stay clean and he can turn his life around.

paulhollywoodshairgel · 20/01/2026 19:26

I think it’s very brave of him that’s he’s told you. It sounds like he’s in the 12 step programme. There’s a point in that where you own up and apologise. Addiction is an illness. He will have been only able to think of his own needs when in active addiction. I’d focus on the fact he’s clean and he’s sorry.

Dartmoorcheffy · 20/01/2026 19:28

Support him. Its an easy addiction to slip into as its a social drug, and very hard to kick without dropping your mates and making a really determined effort, which it sounds like he has done.

WonderingWanda · 20/01/2026 19:29

You are not unloved and the fact that he has come clean tells you that the relationship is not fake. You are his Mum and he cares about your approval enough to want to come clean and hope you will forgive him. Did you write him off as a toddler when he had tantrums, or when he was a child and told his first lie? Or as a teenager for doing something he shouldn't have? I imagine you expressed disappointment and there was some sort of consequence.

Here the natural consequence is likely you won't want to lend or give him money again but he clearly cares enough to want to be honest with you now that he had come to his senses.

Onelittledog · 20/01/2026 19:32

My son has had a cocaine problem for around 15 years. I've been through it all but didn't actually know until a year ago that that's what the problem is. I have given him thousands on some pretext or another ( all lies). I have been subject to abuse and have been very unwell as a result. The final straw was my GC being removed as a direct consequence of his drug and alcohol abuse as well as that of his partner. We now have custody. I totally empathise with you and I think sending you a text with his confession may be commendable he actually owes you much more. Six months clean, if it's true, is a very short expanse of time. I would advise you to focus on you and how you come to terms with the situation and past events. It's a hard thing to deal with. Personally I am numb, nothing surprises me any more and I try to maintain a healthy distance and stick to my boundaries. It is totally natural to feel so upset and hurt and you are allowed to have strong feelings about it. I hope you start to feel a little better once the fog starts to clear, you will possibly feel very angry then. If you feel it's necessary take some time away from him to process it.

Original poster
Soditsally · 20/01/2026 19:38

Oh my god , thank you so much all for your kindness
I’m so emotional just now and in floods of tears .
I do love him unconditionally, I just don’t know what to do or say next .
I will definitely not be giving him any more
Feel like such a failure and to know I’ve enabled him to risk his health , the risk of a criminal record , license , hurting someone with his car , getting mixed up with people who are the scum of society .
I am glad he is clean and yes in recovery so that is one bonus .
I think I might just have to go to him and give him a hug and see if he accepts it .

OP posts:
DoveTurtle · 20/01/2026 19:39

Congratulate him on being 6 months clean. It’s a big achievement and he deserves to be acknowledged for his achievement.

Original poster
Soditsally · 20/01/2026 19:45

@Onelittledog I am so sorry ,that sounds absolutely awful for you , yes I do feel numb and have been lied to repeatedly. I’m angry and worried at the same time
Thankfully he doesn’t have any children or a partner just now

OP posts:
Hellosunshine994378 · 20/01/2026 19:45

Hi,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through such a difficult time. It sounds like you’re experiencing a lot of shock and betrayal, and it’s understandable that you’re struggling to process everything.

I don’t have a child with an addiction myself, but I did find out last year that my partner has a gambling addiction. I would say it’s wonderful that he has been open about this with you, rather than you discovering it through other means. I completely understand how hard it is to rebuild trust now, but it’s something you’ll need to work on together, with more effort from his side. It’s tough, and I always have a bad feeling that things might happen again, but we’ve been a year on, and he hasn’t gambled since the day he told me. So, there is hope.

I would suggest seeking help for families of addicts. I had a weekly therapist, and it was incredibly helpful to just cry on the phone to someone who didn’t judge me and who knows exactly what I’m going through.

You’ll feel awful about it for a while, but it does get better, and it’s something we hardly talk about anymore in our home. I’ve chosen to forgive and forget, but it took months of arguments, crying and hurt.

Focus on the future and try to put some trust in him. You know what behaviour you’re looking out for now. 💐 xxx

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 20/01/2026 19:48

I would phone him and talk to him tonight and i would go up and see him either now or the weekend.

And i would go and do something nice with him and tell him I was proud he got clean and happy he was telling me now.
And sad he felt he couldn't tell me before... and that he can always always talk to me

Separately I'd look into support for myself - either support groups or therapy.
It sounds like a big shock

Driftingawaynow · 20/01/2026 19:52

For a lot of people illegal drug taking is incredibly shocking, but for many others it’s ubiquitous and a surprisingly run-of-the-mill part of life. I guess I’m saying try not to overreact about it being illegal, I would liken it to speeding in a car, it’s stupid and dangerous but a lot of people do it. And they don’t consider themselves part of the criminal underworld. It will be easier for your son to be open with you if you are calm and measured and open to listening.

AgentPidge · 20/01/2026 19:53

Addiction changes people's personalities, so that they'll lie to and steal from their families and friends. Be glad that he has managed to beat this and realise that it was the coke talking when he deceived you.

Dollymylove · 20/01/2026 19:54

Soditsally · 20/01/2026 19:45

@Onelittledog I am so sorry ,that sounds absolutely awful for you , yes I do feel numb and have been lied to repeatedly. I’m angry and worried at the same time
Thankfully he doesn’t have any children or a partner just now

Don't feel dumb for being lied to. The first casualty of addiction is the truth.
My son, very good income, was asking to borrow money within 2 days of being paid. I was very naive. I should have confronted him sooner but I suppose I was jn denial.
Hes doing OK now, attending NA meetings and starting to get his finances straightened.
Its hard but be pleased for your son, being 6 months clean is a huge achievement. At least you know now, and try to encourage him as best yo u can.
Good luck 👍

Original poster
Soditsally · 20/01/2026 19:55

Yes I agree , no need for dramatics
We’ve not spoken at all yet.
i’ve told him I will never turn my back on him but I’ll never give him money again , will not tolerate this if he does it again and want the best for him only .

OP posts:
quarrybanks · 20/01/2026 19:56

He’s done so well to get clean, it’s a huge achievement. Brave to send the text too.

CrazyHormoneLady · 20/01/2026 19:57

I found a lot of comfort in going to AlAnon meetings. It's essentially a type of group talking therapy for friends and families of addicts. Based on what I've read here, your situation is sadly very common - there may be a type of solace in speaking to others who are going through or who have been through something similar. Well done your son on being 6 months clean, I hope he keeps on that path ❤

MadinMarch · 20/01/2026 19:58

paulhollywoodshairgel · 20/01/2026 19:26

I think it’s very brave of him that’s he’s told you. It sounds like he’s in the 12 step programme. There’s a point in that where you own up and apologise. Addiction is an illness. He will have been only able to think of his own needs when in active addiction. I’d focus on the fact he’s clean and he’s sorry.

The 12 step programme was my first thought too. Well done to him!
I think part of the 12 steps is to make amends, so you could ask him to pay you some of the money back gradually, or some other form of amends.

FlyHighLikeABird · 20/01/2026 20:02

He must have been very worried about telling you. That doesn't mean that you should excuse it all, because part of him getting better is facing the harms he has caused (including financial, loss of trust)- but it does mean that you can appreciate what he's done whilst not approving of it. He's human and has made a mistake, and is trying to rectify it. It will also explain a lot of his behaviour.

One caution- he's doing amazingly well, but addictions are, well, addictive, and so by all means love and support him, but I would also have in my mind that you never know if someone is going to relapse- personally I prefer to plan for the worst and hope for the best. I would say the same to any parent who is facing mental health struggles, eating disorders, addictions in their children. It's wonderful if they get better but don't put your own psychological wellbeing in their hands. Al-Anon may help or talking it through with someone.

Wapentake · 20/01/2026 20:03

Ask how you can support him in staying clean and get some support for yourself too.

JLou08 · 20/01/2026 20:04

You need to focus on his achievement of being 6 months clean and the courage he has had to admit he had a problem and apologise. I'd be proud of him, not dwelling on the past and feeling like a victim.

Original poster
Soditsally · 20/01/2026 20:10

@JLou08 I hear you but in some ways I am a victim
This man has lied to me over and over to get money from me - allegedly for tyres , for new exhaust, for dental work , for food , for plumber bill to be paid , for parking fine … I could go on
ive gone without things to make sure I have enough to support all my children , including him
Now I’m angry hurt and worried for him that it was all bullshit and while I’ve shopped in primark and had cheap holidays etc he’s been sniffing my hard earned money and not giving a shit about me ?

OP posts:
T92 · 20/01/2026 20:12

I suffered with a secret gambling addiction for 10 years and broke down to my parents 18 months ago.

Don't underestimate the courage it took him to tell you the truth.

Trust and support him from this point until he gives you a reason not to. An addiction is an addiction for life but after 6 months, the habit has been broken, so he's hopefully in a good place of recovery.

Delphiniumandlupins · 20/01/2026 20:27

Don't suppress your feelings of anger and hurt. It's normal for you to be outraged at how he has abused your relationship. He has shown courage confessing to you and being clean for 6 months is great but you need time to process the shock. Implementing boundaries will protect you in future. None of this is your fault.

Sally2791 · 20/01/2026 20:36

OP I can so empathise with you. I understand your anger but he has now been honest with you and hopefully on a path to recovery. Far worse scenarios out there .