Son dropped this bombshell

[Soditsally]

Not sure why I’m posting , have no one to talk to and just want to say this out loud. My adult son 27 as just told me he’s 6 months clean of using cocaine . He’s apologised for taking advantage of me financially, doing very little to help me for last few years and becoming more distant
He’s been using for almost 3 years and was sacked 2 years ago because of it. Found another job quite soon and lives about 100 miles away so not seeing him every day . He has absolutely been taking advantage financially but I never ever would have guessed this is why. It perhaps came to a head at the end of the summer when I got angry at him asking for more money , which although I’m not rich at all I was able to help him but frustrated at his lack of financial responsibility.
I’m so absolutely shocked , worried and heartbroken. I don’t know what to say to him , he’s text and sent a heartfelt apology but not spoken to me at all
I don’t know what to say to him either . How do we move on ? What can I believe he says ever again ?
I thought we were very close , now it makes sense and feels like that relationship was just fake . I feel so unloved , used abused . I really feel lost and don’t know what to do next .
Sorry this was long . Please be kind .

yes. I hope you can be there and heal with him. He was brave

He’s definitely doing a 12 step programme.

I suggest you get in touch with this organisation https://famanon.org.uk/
It’s for the families of people with substance abuse.

Poor you OP - the hurt, anger, embarrassment, shame - all of it will swill around and is completely justified.

He has been brave, and tried to stop the cycle, in telling you. That doesn’t mean you should feel any better about it than you do.

Take time to feel all the feels, get some sort term therapy to process it all and then reframe as much as you can; he told you, he’s clean, he’s safe and your relationship will get through this.

That's so awful, OP. It must have really broken your trust in him and knocked your confidence.

I think just give it time to process your feelings. Maybe find someone to talk things through with. Maybe you should ask your son to pay you back some or all of the money he took from you.

MN in general is weirdly supportive of cocaine use and thinks it's no big deal, but hopefully you will find support on this thread.

I’m so sorry. What a shock. You are justified in feeling terribly betrayed. It’s good he is 6m clean and that he has told you and apologised. I think I’d be quite worried about the prospect of a relapse. I’d want to talk to him and know how I could trust him again, and how I’d know he was staying clean. Good luck.

OP I really feel for you. I'm going to send you a PM

Thank you all , thank you for that @Aluna going to look at that now

@Soditsally sorry to hear what you've been through. Addiction makes people behave in truly horrendous ways - I know addicts who've stolen birthday money from their 10 year old siblings to pay for drugs, made up all sorts of lies to get money from family. It's awful, but it's part of the story.

It's great he's 6 months clean, and has owned up and apologised. But you're absolutely right not to trust him yet. Maybe years down the line. But addiction is pretty hard to cure, my experience, and unlike with another disease, you just can't trust an addict.

You need to look after yourself. You now have a relationship with an addict to manage. It's not for the faint-hearted. Don't try to fix him, don't pin all your hopes on him staying clean and the relationship healing, and don't be naive about it just because he's come clean for now.

OP, I think you 1) thank him for finally being honest with you and 2) be grateful he is now clean.
People make mistakes - he's made his and there's no need to discuss it further.
Having said that, if he asks you again for money, you need to politely tell him that you can't give him any more financial help.

I think you say that you’re proud of him for making such positive changes in his life, and that you will always support him.

BTW, a member of my family died from fentanyl laced cocaine. We really wish he could have distanced himself from the drug. This is a gift.
But absolutely appreciate the shock

@Soditsally op it’s not personal.
He would have been ashamed and I bet he still is and this is why he’s owned up.
I’d be proud he got himself sorted and hope if he ever felt tempted again he could feel he could come to you .

Addiction is crippling. And often impossible to break free from. So well done to him and also to you because he’s felt able to tell you. That says a lot about you too.
don’t feel bad about supporting him. You were being a kind mum. You were unaware of all of this but now you know. I wish your son well

A friend of mine got addicted to cocaine (and other drugs), stole from everyone including his family and eventually overdosed and died in his late 20s.

Please focus on supporting your son and praising his recovering rather than focusing on yourself and the lies and your betrayal. He’s doing well to be 6 months clean, that’s all you need to talk to him about.

It must be a shock for you but try to focus on the positives. He hasn't used drugs for 6 months. That must mean he is very motivated to fight the addiction. I'd get on board and tell him you are shocked but appreciate his honesty. You will help him by not supplying any more cash. Let him know you understand it is an addiction so not something he was necessarily choosing to do but you are very pleased he is motivated to overcome the addiction.

I think it’s important to feel you can tell him that you are hurt and angry AND you are proud of him for 6 months clean. Seems totally reasonable to be conflicted here.

Lead with how proud you are of him for getting clean, how he can always come to you if he relapses again (although you won’t be handing over any money) but you are always there for him and love him.

He has done amazingly well. You have a lot to process OP, but your response should be pride and relief.

What you have discovered is very hurtful op and part of you must be livid to have been lied to and deceived in this way repeatedly and in time I hope you will be able to discuss this with your son openly.

It’s worth bearing in mind though that many addicts are trying to avoid feeling for whatever reason and although it doesn’t change the hurt it might help you come to terms with this situation a bit more if you can understand what lies behind it?

Thank you all again
Lots and lots of really clear sensible advice here and I’ve taken every single bit of it in, I’m so sorry for anyone who’s been through this and lost a loved one . And anyone with personal experience who’s overcome it , I salute you.
I sent him another text last night , asked if I can come down at the weekend and we have a conversation
Told him I’ll always love him no matter what and I’m proud and relieved he’s made a good start in this recovery process and need to see him.
Thanks for making me see the positives , not just my overwhelming anger and negatives. I appreciate you all.

It must be a real shock for you and you will need time to process it. Him telling you and finally being honest does show he loves you and is trying to start to make amends for his behaviour while in addiction.

he’s been sniffing my hard earned money and not giving a shit about me

Addiction is complex. Addicts often hate what they are doing, will feel guilt and shame and regret, they still care about their loved ones but the addiction is too strong and they can't break the cycle. It's not as simple as saying he didn't care about you all that time he was lying about why he needed the money. It's likely he didn't set out to hurt you. But the impact of what he did can't be denied, he did take advantage and he was dishonest and that will have an impact on your relationship.

You might want to consider a group for families and those impacted by a loved one's addiction, so you can meet others who will understand what you're going through, share how they manage boundaries etc. And look after yourself now. Prioritise you and ensure you aren't going without any more to support him. If he's on the road to staying clean, that also means no tapping you up for money.

This is unfair....he has lied and manipulated the op and whilst he says he is six months clean, which is a staggeringly short period anyway, it may not even be true. Op should focus on herself and allow herself time to process this bombshell. Her feelings are as valid as the man who has received and betrayed her for so long.

I think it’s ok to have your own feelings about what has happened and your own reactions. It might not be ok, at this stage at least, to share those feelings with your son.

I have a child who had an eating disorder. The lies and deceit were part of the illness (as with any addiction) and I have set such a store by honesty and openness that I found that part really difficult to understand and to forgive.

Your son is an adult and he knows his behaviour has been less than you (and probably he) find acceptable. That’s why he has stopped and I would guess that part of the recovery process is owning up. He really deserves empathy and compassion and your support and that’s why sharing how you feel isn’t necessary right now. I’m glad you had this place to offload and glad you got empathy and compassion.

I just wanted to add, he is further along this process than you are. He has suffered the addiction, he has realised he needs to change and has taken steps to change and this 6 months clean is a long way down that road. You on the other hand are at the start of the road and have not had the time to process this news. So yes support him and love him and hope he will talk to you but also give yourself time. How it looks now isn’t how it will look when you are further down this road.

Totally agree..I had an eating disorder and lied repeatedly to the people I love the most, about the thing they were most worried about. I know I behaved appallingly, and I wouldn't have expected them to just say "oh, that's great, all forgiven then" just because I'd said I was better now. An addict (or an anorexic) would say that, wouldn't they? It's taking a lot of time to rebuild trust. And my (former) druggie DB, I'd trust with my life, but if he started asking me for money? Or just wanted to see one of his shitty drug user old mates "to help him get clean"? Nope.

So I'd say, don't trust him, BUT, yeah - don't tell him that. Sharing that with him at this stage though could set him back - make him feel like, what's the point in trying. If you want to help him, talk to him as if you know he'll recover, but don't trust him.

Criticising him will only push him back to it. People need to feel that recovering/abstaining/being good has rewards and is worth the effort. Show him lots of love and non judgement. And when he is in a better place and you have calmed down then you can have a more honest conversation.