Son dropped this bombshell

[Soditsally]

Not sure why I’m posting , have no one to talk to and just want to say this out loud. My adult son 27 as just told me he’s 6 months clean of using cocaine . He’s apologised for taking advantage of me financially, doing very little to help me for last few years and becoming more distant
He’s been using for almost 3 years and was sacked 2 years ago because of it. Found another job quite soon and lives about 100 miles away so not seeing him every day . He has absolutely been taking advantage financially but I never ever would have guessed this is why. It perhaps came to a head at the end of the summer when I got angry at him asking for more money , which although I’m not rich at all I was able to help him but frustrated at his lack of financial responsibility.
I’m so absolutely shocked , worried and heartbroken. I don’t know what to say to him , he’s text and sent a heartfelt apology but not spoken to me at all
I don’t know what to say to him either . How do we move on ? What can I believe he says ever again ?
I thought we were very close , now it makes sense and feels like that relationship was just fake . I feel so unloved , used abused . I really feel lost and don’t know what to do next .
Sorry this was long . Please be kind .

@Soditsally you definitely haven’t enabled him, you didn’t know what was going on.

You sound like a really loving mum ❤️

Still reading all , still appreciating everything you have said
I think that’s one of my issues that while I want to see him and speak to him , I’m worried that my own anger and upset will take over and yes it should be about him just now
The betrayal and hurt is so strong though that I’m not sure I can or should hide it
But I don’t want my pain to send him rocketing back to it
Now I’m going over all of the lies in my head and realising so much .

Sorry but you need to stop making it about yourself. Hes owned up and apologised, yes your in shock but this isnt about you its about your son needing support to stay clean. Something drove him to drugs to escape whatever has happened in life, thats what you need to remember, nobody chooses to be an addict. You behave wrongly you will drive him back to drugs.
This is coming from a recovering addict so I know what I am on about.

He is doing fantastically to be in recovery, it sounds very much he is in Cocaine Anonymous or another 12 step programme which is brilliant and he will be supported by many excellent people in long term recovery.

You need to stop freaking out, and put your own uninformed stereotypes of addicts and drugs to the side because they are wrong.

Your son had a serious health issue and he is so strong to now be in a better place.

Anyone and everyone can suffer from addiction and they are not lowlife scum, they are normal people from all walks of life.

It sounds like your son is doing well now. Let him show you how he will make amends by living well and honesty.

Also be aware that for some people relapses can be part of the recovery process. They are not the end of the world when people get back on the wagon again after. 12 step is great at supporting people through relapses should they occur.

you are not a failure, you are a lovely mum.

Please support him to continue with sobriety. The fact he is 6 months clean and came to you with this information shows how much he values the relationship. You are not unloved and the relationship is true- addiction is an awful thing to have to deal with.

Nothing useful to add except that I’ve been through this. DD “borrowed “ money off me for eighteen months saying that she couldn’t afford food. We live in different European countries. Her pay was considerably more than my pension but I stupidly trusted her. She finally confessed when she’d stopped, but she’s still reckless with money and I’ll never trust her again. This was four or five years ago. Our relationship is very strained for a number of reasons, one of which is that I didn’t praise her recovery enough, I reacted to being lied to!

I really don’t agree that “if you behave wrongly you will drive him back to drugs”. He will drive himself there: you are not responsible for how he behaves. That’s not to say you shouldn’t be aware of what you say to him but ultimately only he can make decisions about how he behaves.

Life can be fucking miserable and difficult for young people these days. Drugs are rife. Cocaine is very popular and it’s easy to fall into this kind of mess.

I would try to be positive going forwards. It’s good that he’s told you and apologised about the money. I know you have suffered financially because of it, but I would also put that in the past.

@shouldofgotamortage I get what you're saying - something drove him to drugs, I totally agree. But I really don't agree with this: "you behave wrongly you'll drive him back to drugs".

My DB used every drug known to man, which I know was a reaction to the trauma of being beaten black and blue by our father regularly throughout his teens. But he still made a choice to cope by using drugs (and I'm not judging, I love him and I understand), and staying clean is still his responsibility, no one else's.

Even if OP is abusive, it's not her responsibility to keep her son off drugs. And if she's not, what awful pressure to put on her. She could drive herself mad trying to behave right and he might still go back. You can't control an addict, or be responsible for their recovery, no matter how well you behave. It's up to them.

Him admitting the truth to you is really good. It means he’s going through the steps for his addiction recovery and is at the stage where he’s taking accountability. That’s a really good sign for his recovery. Most addicts hide their addiction… it’s nothing personal against you and doesn’t make your relationship fake.

If possible I’d just say you’re shocked but you love him and appreciate him taking accountability. If you’re ready to you could even say you forgive him.

If you choose to demonstrate your anger, you need to tell him it’s allowed. You are allowed to take the stopper out of the bottle and let the fizz overflow.

No need for histrionics, just cool low voice telling him how he’s made you feel and how you’re looking forward to a fresh start and welcoming him home for a weekend when he’s ready.

Be on your guard for ages yet, there’ll be more testing times ahead. Rome wasn’t built in a day and definitely NO more money.
Good luck to you both. Have a lovely positive meet up with him and do something nice together.

100% agree, addiction is an illness, while it’s hard for him because he’s not been in control of it, it’s been equally hard for you because it’s caused your son to behave in ways you’d never have imagined. He has broke your trust and that’s hard to come to terms with, for either of you.
The chances are that he’s not had the conversation face to face, or even on the phone, because he didn’t want to see or hear the hurt, pain & anger in your voice. He feels guilty, but the step he has taken is huge, don’t underestimate it. He’s came clean on years of lies that he’d previously gotten away with. He’s chosen complete honesty with you when he could have swept it under the carpet.
He’s prepared for recriminations, but he also knows he needs to give you time to process it too. Thanking him & reiterating your love and support is a huge step for you too, but it’s okay to put conditions in place to protect yourself and it’s ok to be on guard, he has broken your trust and that’s going to take time to come to terms with.
I agree wholeheartedly with @Alunayou need to go to a family of narcotics support group, possibly not in your own area if you’d feel better being anonymous until you start to come to terms with everything. The knowledge, support and understanding you can get from other people who are in the same boat as you is immense!
As the daughter of a recovering alcoholic I grew up around Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) & alanon & alateen (support for families of alcoholics) & members often, at least initially go to meetings out of their local area, it’s anonymous for a reason.
The main focus of the support groups is to give you the tools to manage the impact of your son’s illness on you, it’s not to keep your son on the right track, that’s what NA or similar is there for, it’s to help you to come to terms with the addiction and the affect it will have on you going forward. Addiction is life long, it may be a struggle for you at times but the support you can draw from these groups is invaluable, I can’t recommend it enough!
Good luck, to both of you, there will undoubtedly be challenges ahead, but if you get that support in place they’ll become little stumbling blocks instead of huge insurmountable boulders!
The 2 main mantras for aa and alanon is the serenity prayer -
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference,
and
A day at a time!
Your son made the decision to take back control of his life and that is huge, you can be ashamed, hurt and angry that he chose the wrong path, but you can absolutely also be proud of not only him for choosing to fight to regain control of his life, but also be proud of yourself, you raised him to be strong enough to do this.
like a previous poster said, everyone makes mistakes but 6 months of recovery is a massive step in the right direction!

I would feel just as you do, OP, but I would be glad I hadn't had to go through all the promises to come off it.

I wondered what he'd been like over the last six months. When was the last time he asked you for money? Did you see him at Christmas? Did he seem the same last time you saw him?

I'd tread really carefully from now on. I wouldn't lend him money again and would limit what I bought him, too, e.g. for Christmas and birthdays. I'm so sorry you were so broke and he was just lying to you and taking money off you for drugs. That's really awful. The past is the past, though - you can't change it but you can learn from it, and eventually you'll be able to forget it.

He’s been very distant for the last 6 months . Xmas was not very nice and yes I bought him nice presents , he was quiet but told me he was tired. He’d continued asking for money in Dec but now I am to believe he’s been paying off debt and using me for this since early last year ?
I am going to see him this weekend , will keep my feelings to myself and concentrate on him , he is well aware I will never give him another penny.
I am also the daughter of alcoholic parents who did not raise me so in some ways this has been quite mentally draining but - I keep in mind I am healthy , roof over my head and need to be strong to support his recovery with clear defined boundaries.
I’m not sure about the support group thing, are we supposed to go together ? Or just me ?
Love this boy unconditionally but will find it quite hard to give him some cold hard truths.

I’m feeling a bit down to be honest , more and more examples of things that have happened over the years are making sense. I’m angry, hurt, disappointed, annoyed , worried and not sleeping or eating very well. I’m so tired.

No wonder, it’s an awful lot to take in & it must be so hard to try to reconcile the son that you adore and would do (& have done!) anything for with the manipulative drug dependant person that he’s now admitted to being. You’ve given him everything in good faith and he’s abused that, your mind will be replaying every conversation and interaction over and over, you must be utterly exhausted! 😕
Difficult as it will be please try to remind yourself that addiction is a horrible illness, and he was powerless over it, he’s now fighting that illness and trying to get well again, he’s wasn’t himself, he wasn’t in control!

find a support group, if you don’t like it try another, it’s not for him, or both of you, it’s for you, just you, yes, he needs support and understanding, but so do you, places like nar-anon are for the people who have been hurt or affected by the effects of drugs on someone they care about, it’s your safe space to offload all the conflicting thoughts and feelings that are buzzing around your head to people who understand, who have been, and are, on the same path as you! There’s no harm in trying!
There’s more info here
https://www.nar-anon.co.uk/

good luck at the weekend, I hope it goes well xx