Does anyone else feel bullied by adult DS with SEN?

[ambienttemperature]

I need to start by saying I adore my DS. Like the little girl with a curl, when he is good it is very different to when he is being horrid. He is now an adult and about to leave college this summer and I am getting very stressed about it. Every day is a battle - I mean every few mins when he is home with me. I feel bullied. One minute he loves me, the next he hates me and is very good at finding any particular aspect that will get to me. Example - I say Nanna loved you so much and she would be so sad that you say you hate me" Response from DS "I'm glad your Mum is dead". He knows we were close and that will hurt me. He picks on my age, aspects of my appearance, my work - literally anything hurtful. I always strive to be patient and loving, but tonight I need to ask other Mums in my situation how they deal with it. The confident, outgoing, fun loving me has been eroded over the years as our family has become smaller and totally DS scentric. The constant criticism and negative responses to tiny requests is incredibly draining. DH just shuts himself away. As I WFH I do the college runs and am the main focus of entertainment. That entertainment is when DS is talking about whatever he is currently fixated on and I must be interested or he gets really frustrated. Circle, he hates me again, so of course I give a big show of being interested. Shortly this will be everyday for the rest of my life. Can anyone show me a glimmer of hope?

Is there no hope of him being able to live independently?

If not, is there supervised accommodation he could move into?

I may well get flamed for suggesting that, maybe even by you, but I don’t think parents should resign themselves to their adult children making their lives a misery until the parents become too old to manage. And if the child can cope that independence will be good for them, because at some point they will have to cope without their parents. That will be easier to adapt to sooner rather than later.

To what extent can he control his behaviours, eg is he like this with anyone else? (I’m going to guess no).
I kind of think the sen itself isn’t the underlying cause (as I’m assuming he’s not like this all the time with everyone else).
Is there a type of therapy he can access that would help him serrated his own difficulties from you?
What can you do to carve out any boundaries? I know it’s not a solution but it may help a little. Eg is it absolutely necessary for you to do the college run every day? What if you were in hospital for 6 weeks, what would your family’s solution to transport be?

I think you’ve answered your own question. Try doing the opposite of what you currently think is the best solution. Make time for yourself and DON’T be there for him so much. Also don’t feed the beast with emotional blackmail.

Can you teach him about special interests and that his are very interesting and enjoyable for him but although you love that he's happy and engaged you're not as interested. Is there any activity he could access related to what he likes so he can spend time with other people who enjoy similar things and it's not all on you to entertain him?

Example - I say Nanna loved you so much and she would be so sad that you say you hate me" Response from DS "I'm glad your Mum is dead".

You are giving him way too much power of you. He responded to emotional manipulation, I don't know many people who'd respond well to a comment like that.

You don't say what his SEN are but I think there should be tangible consequences for his behaviour. Not guilt tripping. Keep the emotion out of it. Have boundaries.

How old?

most teens go through a phase of saying I hate you to their parents. The trick is to not rise to it, anymore than you rise to a toddler saying it.

same response - “I’m sorry you hate me”.

Not exactly what you asked but something that stood out to me: Your DH should not just opt out and shut himself away. He’s your son’s parent too. If you are doing all the college runs, DH should do extra with DS in other ways to make your DS’s care more 50/50.

Also, your DH needs to be feeling just as responsible as you for what happens when college finishes. It’s not all on you OP.

Best wishes and moral support to you.

This is great advice, I really recommend this as well.

He doesn't need to live with you forever. I have a non verbal son and he will be moving out in his mid twenties because I need him to and because it will be good for him. I agree with others, look after yourself and be less available.

DD was very much like this. She's now 17 and living in a council studio apartment less than a mile from me. I wouldn't take the behaviour any more. We still see each other twice a week and she gets on with living independently because she has to. I thought people would judge, but they don't. They get it.

Saying you are making your dead Nan sad isn’t a good tactic, it’s manipulative and no wonder he pushes back ( albeit his response is bad but I understand it) As others have said the right level of supported accomodation can be amazing and empowering for him if he cannot live alone.

I think you need to pull him up for the unkind behaviour. SEN is not an excuse for this.
I wouldn’t draw his nanna into it. If he says he hates you, reply with the same short reply every time. Something like, that’s an unkind thing to say and then don’t engage. Also agree into looking into possibilities of him moving out.

Your husband needs to support you more and not have the option to just shut himself away. Maybe if he was helping lighten your load you wouldn't be so weighed down.

I agree with the others about him becoming more independent, he won't have you forever and him being independent will make both him and you happier xx

Please don’t accept being treated like this. You turn away when he starts, walk out of the room. As you say, you are being bullied and bullies thrive on your reaction - don’t give him one. Reduce what you do for him after an attack. Don’t make him tea or do his washing after verbal abuse. Insist he apologies first. And this is where your DH needs to step in if he doesn’t get the same abuse. He calmly explains to your DS that no one speaks to you like that and you need an apology before resuming your help. This is the part I struggled with as my DH didn’t really do calm, and DS would square up to him, so I mostly left DH out of it.
You might need to still give lifts to/from college, but no other lifts if/after you have received abuse without an apology first.
It took a while here, and there’s still an odd outburst, but DS knows he won’t get away with speaking like that for long, and we’re mostly a happy household.

You need to stop with the dead nan stuff, thats
emotional manipulation and trying to make him feel guilty - He’s learning about bad behaviour from you he Just communicates it in a blunt way, you don’t, you shroud it in confusing emotional language that makes no sense to the situation.

He doesn’t get to be nasty but maybe you have to start thinking literally like he does and don’t code things in NT subtext for him because that makes no sense, he cannot work out the subtext. You’ve told him a dead person would be sad, he knows rationally dead people
feel nothing so how could you know
how she feels? You need to communicate in the same literal way as he does. His rudeness
makes you sad, but be sure first it is rudeness and not you taking offence to him speaking in ND language style. Ask is he intentionally being mean but not in an accusatory way, he won’t be able to cope with your feelings so telling him how sad he makes you will be too much right now.

His dad needs to step up more and be the entertainment. You need to be blunt and say not now when working but give him a time it’s ok. Sharing info on his interest is a way of him
showing you he loves you and cares. It’s not the NT way but it’s his way. He’s never going to be NT and he’s showing you he can’t pretend - don’t make the battle worse, learn how to communicate his way. Ask him how is best to communicate with him about things he doesn’t like to hear and he’ll start thinking about it and believe his answers.

My DS is younger but with, from the sounds of it, similar challenges.

When he says he hates me I reply, in a bored, not upset voice “Good job I love you enough for both of us then”.

Since sticking to this response and not getting upset/emotional/telling off etc it has really reduced how often he says it - it’s taken away the power of it somehow, So might be worth a go, even though your ds is older.

My dd was like this at least to a certain extent until she was around 20, really bad at times as in needing my exh to come around as she was thumping and screaming at me. But about 21 she changed, became more able to control her emotions and also develop relationships, got a boyfriend… that relationship failed but she did go onto meet a lovely man and married. I had been looking into supported living as it seemed like she would not be independent but she is, even went to university (later), it’s like her whole body took more years to mature. She’s still autistic of course but able to regulate herself and cope with one thing at a time

Yes! The person who changed my mind about this was an acquaintance who worked with SEN respite care. Her own daughter was 18 and she was taking an extra year at home and mum was researching group homes to find one with the right level of support for her daughter. She saw it as the right time because otherwise her daughter would be going off to university, plus wanted her daughter to have years to settle in, to still be able to have nice visits home, to bounce back home if they needed to find a better group home.

OP, really think about supported housing for your son. Also see if you can get some more support for time away for you. It really is being in an abusive house. Even if you think he needs a few more years at home of parenting before independence, get yourself some support.

Thank you to everyone who replied. To fill in the gaps, DS is early 20s. He has a list of labels which include, ASD,ADHD,ODD and dyspraxia. He needs personal care and attends SEN college.
@dottieautie and @NewUserName2244 You are all correct I should not mention my DM. My first response to "I hate you" is usually "thats a shame as I love you". DM died 10 weeks ago and had a loving and close relationship with us all, so its all a bit fresh and popped up when I was being outwardly calm and inwardly exasperated.
@gogomomo2 I am so happy for you and your DD, and your words give me hope.

@Lurkingandlearning and @Dliplop thank you. Our older (neurotypical) DS is at Uni currently. This DS will not be going to University as he has learning disabilities. As a family we have talked about sheltered housing, but I can't see him becoming that independent as much of a lovely dream that might be. Our reality would be residential care which may have to happen one day, but I can't send him away whilst I can still wash and dress him. When he loves me he tells me so umpteen times a day and I am apparently the best Mum in the world... The hate is a flick of a switch in response to anything he does not like and part of the ODD.
On the plus side - I have had a better morning, only one "I hate you" when brushing his teeth - hurrah!

@ambienttemperature please can I ask, is he not taking medication for his adhd, ODD?

my DS is on two different ones (one daily, the other only for focus) and it has significant addressed behaviour and hate comments ; it just rewires the brain. It also helped with planning and judgement which in your case would help with independent living. There is no ODD when on meds, pretty unbearable without meds (worse than your case)

would you/him consider?

Reading with interest on behalf of my lovely friend who is being driven round the twist by her 30 year old DS who sounds very like yours, OP, only without the 'I hate you'. Persistent talking about his interests at a volume that makes him unignorable, tics and OCD-type behaviours that are beginning to look controlling.

I don't know how to advise her but some answers here are helpful.

@BrentfordForever that is really interesting, and many thanks. No one has never prescribed meds for his ODD. He did have Concerta at secondary school for the ADHD but everything stopped when he was 16 and the childrens dept at the hospital signed him off his yearly checkups. I will make an appointment with my GP to discuss.

Apologies I should have typed no one has ever prescribed meds for his ODD.

ODD is amplified due to ADHD (and ASD at times); they won’t prescribe anything for it, only for ADHD

my kid is on Concerta too (school only) but also on Atomoxetine; the latter is the one helping with emotions and planning (known to also help ASD people because of this ). It quiets his brain, no moaning, hate, unbearable challenging behaviour. Just normal conversations

Your DS is adult so it ll be much easier to restart. Getting the right dosage on Atomoxetine can be life changing especially for home life x