Does anyone else feel bullied by adult DS with SEN?

[ambienttemperature]

I need to start by saying I adore my DS. Like the little girl with a curl, when he is good it is very different to when he is being horrid. He is now an adult and about to leave college this summer and I am getting very stressed about it. Every day is a battle - I mean every few mins when he is home with me. I feel bullied. One minute he loves me, the next he hates me and is very good at finding any particular aspect that will get to me. Example - I say Nanna loved you so much and she would be so sad that you say you hate me" Response from DS "I'm glad your Mum is dead". He knows we were close and that will hurt me. He picks on my age, aspects of my appearance, my work - literally anything hurtful. I always strive to be patient and loving, but tonight I need to ask other Mums in my situation how they deal with it. The confident, outgoing, fun loving me has been eroded over the years as our family has become smaller and totally DS scentric. The constant criticism and negative responses to tiny requests is incredibly draining. DH just shuts himself away. As I WFH I do the college runs and am the main focus of entertainment. That entertainment is when DS is talking about whatever he is currently fixated on and I must be interested or he gets really frustrated. Circle, he hates me again, so of course I give a big show of being interested. Shortly this will be everyday for the rest of my life. Can anyone show me a glimmer of hope?

@BrentfordForever if Atomoxetine could calm everything down that would be amazing.

It does , it did wonders for our family ; doesn’t help with academic focus for us much but the overall demeanour is calmer/peaceful when you find the right dose

good luck x

I agree, you shouldn’t have to live like this. My parents were very strict on if you broke their rules you were out my brother did drugs (just weed) he was out, I got pregnant at 16 I was out.

I couldn’t live with regular comments like I’m glad your mothers dead, you shouldn’t have to either

Following, I have the same and could have written most of your post myself. my DS has PDA, amongst other things, and this makes him like Jekyll and Hyde .. ie loves me then instantly hates me, calling me all the digusting names under the sun and telling me he is glad some of my family are dead and that he wished us all dead too ... while also treating me like shit. DS is 19, I do all the personal care, he is able-bodied. There are no words, just hugs for you xx

@poooolikujy hugs grarefully received and returned xx

There’s no reason for his adhd meds to have stopped at 16, the prescription should have continued whilst he was transferred to adult services

My son is 22 and he has learning difficulties, behavioural difficulties (temper etc). He is also autistic. For the last year we have been planning semi independent living with a support team. He will be moving into his house in January, it is 5 mins from us, he is keen to move. However I have stopped telling people because so many raise an eyebrow - with the idea that he should live with us forever. Apparently 22 years of exhaustion isn't enough. We love him and are doing this whilst we are young enough to battle the system and get him something that hopefully works.

@ForCraftyWriter there were a couple of reasons. He was 16 at the end of 2019. The repeat prescriptions carried on for a few months then the lockdown happened and I had a phone conversation with a locum GP who didn't feel he could prescribe it. After stopping Concerta for a week or so DS said he preferred not having it. As it was it did not help with the ODD. He never had a follow up with adult services apart from being sent some pamphlets for groups he could join. Now wondering if I missed something that i should have done. I did push to get him into the SEN college.

My youngest is the same. He masks all day and then let rips when he get in. Sunday was standing in front of the tv, poking the dog in the face, ‘the dog is fat’, ‘why is your neck scarred’ (I have cancer), ‘your old’ He also stands in my way and pushes me. Then says ‘ your always angry’

Some days I can cope with this. Others not so much. It’s a struggle.

I have a young teenager that literally gaslights me continually. I have experience of being gaslit to shit all my life by family and the ex. I'm in counselling long term because of all this crap.

Now my teen says ' you're over thinking ' ' you're overreacting', ' you need to chill ' ' you're trying to guilt trip me' - ' he will very sarcastically say ' aren't you hard' about any positive thing I reference about myself or life. He will say 'You told me that ' - in reference to something I did not tell him, usually something weird or controversial. The language is disgusting. Very misogynist comments and any challenge he will laugh. When I get worked up and lose it he laughs. He seems to want to align with anyone who may want to belittle me. I had a slight issue with noisy neighbors and we weren't on great terms at one point.
I heard son in bathroom ( where we usually hear each other neighbours wise) loudly saying ' I wish she'd shut up singing'. This is about me singing. This felt deliberate to ingratiate those I was having slight dispute with at the time. This wknd, lying endlessly saying I want to antagonize you. One upset resulted in throwing controls all round the room against the wall and screaming that I am a fucking bitch. He did genuinely seem to not remember that. I understand the meltdowns do this memory loss thing.

The ex then texts me to have a go at me asking why poor son is having such a terrible time with me, calling me crazy, mentally ill. Both are doing this now. Son doesn't live with me but this experience once a week has led to visceral hate at the moment. I am very vulnerable health wise and resent this severely right now. I am also being accused by ex of emotionally abusing our son. Son is also now exaggerating, twisting stories and I'm scared to be in his company now.

I am so enraged this week. I almost checked into a hospital this week. I had to have emergency counselling and became so paranoid about my own reality. I live alone. Never will I ever house my teen here with me again, even if I miraculously recover health wise.

Some stressful situations here. We love our son. However he is incredibly impulsive, a danger to himself around sharp objects, obsessive compulsive around food (it is locked away in the home). We are now on the long road to supported living (let's hope the care company can cope). He's also engaging, only mild learning difficulties and deserves a full life. OP - do you have a social worker? You need a needs assessment (you and your son). We put our son on the housing list (because of his needs he was put in a good position) and got support. This took from 18-22 to achieve. It's a hard battle, so much more than you would think lands on Mum/Dad to do. On MN the impression is given that if you reach out to SS with your adult son or daughter they somehow scoop you up and semi-independent living is sorted. Just not the case at all. Its hard work, costly and a constant battle. However we need to plan for the future - I'm 58 now and won't be able to do this in 10yrs time.

@redwinecheeseandothersnacks No we do not have a social worker. We don't claim for anything or ask for help other than the SEN college. I guess I/we have always muddled through and tried to make provision financially for the future when our older DS is happy to take charge. I have lost friends because they saw his language and treatment of me and suggested I send him away somewhere.I am the mother and chose to have a baby. It is my duty to support him, just as I do our neurotyical DS.
My post was really to see if other people in the same situation feel the same. I think the advice around medication revision for the ODD has been very useful.

@ambienttemperature absolutely your decision. From my point of view I want our son to have all the support to which he is due. I also want his older brother to live his life without having to take charge - At the moment he has the freedom to live 400 miles away. He does have power of attorney for when we no longer have capacity. I sense I might have offended you in some way. So, to answer your question - no I don't feel the same. My son has extreme behavioural issues but we have worked consistently since he was small with regard to treating others with respect.

@redwinecheeseandothersnacks You haven't offended me in the least! It is really good to know other people are going through the similar challenges, even when we are on different paths. My reaction to your question about a social worker may have seemed blunt, but it is purely that it has never occured to us to think he would need one. I don't have any experience of what a social worker could do.
Because my son was born with various birth defects that required multiple surgeries up until he was 12, we spent a lot of time with the hospital and all the follow ups. I found him some good schools with SEN depts and he always had a 1:1. The SEN college he currently attends is fabulous. At no point did anyone suggest he had a social worker, and I did not think of it either, thats all.

Does your son get PIP because it sounds very much like he would qualify especially as he can’t do personal care.

@Lararoft thank you. I forgot about PIP, yes I think I probably should apply for it as I could put it aside for him. Someone mentioned that we can use it to pay a helper to take him out for the day. This will be really useful once he leaves college. He masks quite well with adults outside the family so I think he would enjoy interacting with a "new" adult.

My eldest is similar. Autism/adhd/learning disability.
Goes from being really happy & chatty to suddenly “i hate you” “your fat” “fuck off.” Uses my real name to belittle me.
I think its because they know they don’t need to mask for their parents, they can say whatever and get their anger/irration out as we love them no matter what. Just wanted to let you know your not alone.

get him a adult social worker, they can look into day centres, PAs and funding etc

I'm personally struggling to cope with this behavior directed at me. I'm chronically severely unwell and have an ex sticking the boot in relentlessly. After child doing all this and actually behaving like a professional gaslighter to me, ex then does the same and rips me apart accusing me of ' emtional cruelty' to son!

What do you say to your kids when they are doing this to you?

I am on the verge of permanently running away tbh. It has tipped me beyond capacity the last few weeks. I have to be a silent robot in order to satisfy sons needs and prevent verbal attack from ex after my contact with son.

@ComfortFoodCafe It can be anything that triggers it isn't it? Hugs to you x

This is a great response!

@pikkumyy77 funny you thought that - when I read it I felt as though I was being ticked off for being a terrible mother who had absolutely no comprehension of how to react with the son I have patiently been with every day of his life... As for discussing my DM, it will be 11 weeks tomorrow since she died. So yes, we do discuss her, and I should not have used her as an example. Everyone, including my DS adored her. It was really an example of how his words can be cutting.

@Namechangetime99 my son likes to say ‘ your angry all the time’ when I screw my face up when he is being cruel. The fact is he isn’t just being nasty but literally hones in on the things verbally that hurt me the most.
Some days I am better or more equipt to deal with it. I justify in my head that he has been masking all day and then let’s rip. But it does hurt and he has been like this since he was small.
it’s like being in an abusive relationship I don’t have the capacity to leave- because who would put up with it. He wouldn’t do it to others. They wouldn’t put up with it.
Some days- like when I have been at work- I really struggle.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother!

@pikkumyy77 I think you will guess why I did not react to the phrase "dead Nan" with such a fresh bereavement. My DM was truly a one of a kind and loved by all. When people say my DH should step up, that is hard as my DM really took the role with me of providing all the balanced love and care you can have with an SEN child. I wish I could speak to her every day as we always did. DH is only slowly realising he has to fill that void and I am sure he will get there. For clarity, he is super involved with older DS so in a way we split our roles so both sons feel included. He is not stand off. There are no written guidelines and all our offspring are different. We just all muddle through the best we can. Having said that this post has proved very useful and I/we are taking your points on board. Older DS is also following!

It has taken me a few days,and I think I have answered you points in other responses, but think it is only polite to reply as you have taken the time to comment, and I do appreciate that.
your phrase "dead Nan" really hurt. 11 weeks today and I would ask you all to say a cheers to my wonderful DM. She is in our chats everyday and it was totally my fault to use her as an example in my 1st post. It would have been better if I had used Q "would you like to clean your teeth?" A "I hate teeth, I hate you".
So your next point. I have spent 22 years trying to think exactly as he does and that is why I feel my own personality degrading and diminishing, but yes, I get that extra star on my imaginary star chart and he tells me I am the most wonderful mother EVER! On the plus side my use of vocabulary has rubbed off, and in an educational setting they are often astounded that someone with limited verbal accuity comes out with rather interesting words and sometime verbose... :)
DH is slowly adapting to take over from the role DM has as his focus has been on older DS to balance life. He will never be the "entertainment"
I am as he is a scientist and not in his nature - lovely man though! As for my work. You are wrong. I have tried giving DS a time to speak and all hell breaks loose. This is from someone who has set rules and star charts from the moment my kids were verbal. ODD does not understand these rules. I am optimistic about the med recomendations.
I absolutely agree that my DS is showing me he loves me by discussing Barney the Dinosaur original series dubbed to tagalog, and always try my VERY best to show interest, as I havr always done. I decided Clarabelle the cow was a Dexter, for example, which made him happy..,(repeated umpteen times a day for over a month) When I press all the right buttons he is an absolutely adorable individulal. Shame that when I ask him if he would like to put his shoes on for college (he loves college) the reponse is "I hate you" and he throws socks at me and tells me to F off. If you have some magical way of making him interested in my life that would be incredibly useful.
I really do appreciate that you took the time to comment.