DD 18 hates me

[Puddleduck2013]

DD has always been high maintenance and is currently on an ND pathway.
As her Mum I have literally always done my very best for her and accommodated her every whim.

last year her father and I divorced and I have been plagued by guilt probably resulting in poor boundaries and expectations.

she has exceptionally poor emotional regulation, going nuclear in a heartbeat, causing conflict and chaos in her wake.

i have mostly ignored her outbursts (which i take responsibility for) but last week there was an incident where a line was crossed and had the power to rip our family apart,
it was her birthday and against my better judgement j agreed to attend a family meal with ex, It was always going to be a difficult evening but I thought it went as well as could be expected and looked like DD had a great time.

next day however j was bomabard by messages from DD and ex accusing another family member of being rude to ex and how it had ruined DD’s birthday. I saw nothing of the sort, in fact quite the opposite and suspect some sort of manipulation from Ex.
I had demands from both of them to confront this family member with threats that if I didn’t they would..
as far as I’m concerned even if such an incident did happen Ex was quite capable of dealing with it himself but clearly the 2 of them wanted to drag me into it.

j am so upset; have told DD I won’t be getting involved and yet again she has exploded at me, I am the safe parent, her father has very little to do with her yet somehow I am the villain. I have been called every name under the sun today and have had enough.

Hi OP. How was the relationship with XH when you were together? My guess is this type of reaction from her is learned behaviour?

The relationship with ex was reasonable for many years but there was never any support with parenting, i was left to do it he just wanted a quiet life.

You need to treat your daughter like the adult she is and stop accommodating her every whim. No she won't like it but in the long run it will be the best thing for her

If she is ND, she’ll have an emotional development age of about 12.

So not really an adult.

Being on the ND pathway does not mean she has the right to be rude to you and purposely upset you. It’s not acceptable for her to call you every name under the sun. I don’t think you should accommodate her every whim anymore

I’m so sorry that she’s been like this with you, if she is ND then she’s probably operating at the age of around 13/14. If you think of it like that it might help you to cope better with her outbursts?

Stay firm though, reiterate that you’re sorry your ExH is offended but he is an adult and as such, can sort out any problems he has, just like you have to sort out any problems that arise for you.

With the regulation, is she on the Pathway for ADHD as well as ASD?

They are both being unreasonable. I wojld tell them.both if they want to, they can bring it up.with the relative ((they won't) and say you don't want to hear anymore about it.
Stop pandering to your DDs every whim. Just because she is likely ND doesn't mean she can act how she wants. All.of my kids and I am ND. I don't let them be rude to me or anyone.

This kind of behaviour wouldn't be acceptable from a 12 year old either , legally she is an adult and how else will she learn to be one unless she's treated like one? Being babied is doing her no favours and she's behaving like a spoilt brat. Im autistic myself before anyone suggests I know nothing about it.

Actually you’re right, she’s probably operating at about the level of a 12 yo.

I don’t know if you’ve read it OP but I found the book Untangled very helpful. It’s not aimed at parents of ND DD’s but the advice does seem good and helped me with our DD who has a diagnosis of AuDHD.

Not every difficult ,unregulated person is ND. Autism etc is being used as an excuse for simply bad behaviour. I say this as a parent of a genuinely Asd adult son .

That's not a rule??

I would say if she is autistic she is likely to be much younger emotionally than her chronological age. That said would it help to know that girls often do that in late teens early 20s? It’s so surprising and upsetting but it passes. Large cup of tea and remember you all love each other.

I couldn’t care less what she is. I’d tell her to bugger off and sort it out herself. And stop accommodating her every whim. You’ve created a monster.

A rule?

It’s a symptom of ND.

It absolutely isn't. Some of the most grown up kids you'll meet are autistic.

I’m just saying what the lead ND pyschiatrist in our metropolitan area told me.

But what does she know compared to you?😂

Thank you all for your thoughts…I am so worn down by her outbursts and manipulative control I actually feel scared of her. There is always something she is mortally offended and it’s a regular occurrence.

my big mistake was trying yet again to be the peace maker but having reflected it’s nothing to do with me and none of my fucking business!! When I told her this yesterday (in slightly less inflammatory terms!) she went apoplectic with me and stormed out of the house. This is a pattern of behaviour where she doesn’t like the response to her behaviour and she takes off, often staying at friends houses for days on end.
in the past I will have talked her down and done whatever I could to get her home but I am done.

my lovely new home that was supposed to be my fresh start and a haven post divorce but has become a focal point of conflict and anger.
Im half hoping she rants her way into deciding to go to her father’s to live - I think they would both have a massive wake up call. As I said she sees him maybe once a week for a few
hours and yet he can do no wrong in her eyes. As far as I’m concerned he is at least 50% for this latest outburst and he should deal with her abuse.

she is being assessed for ADHD but I do wonder if ASD is also at play. Doesn’t excuse her behaviour though

Sounds like she has RSD too. Takes offence really easily. Thats part of ADHD.

DD1 has inattentive ADHD - she could be like this in exam years.

I found waiting it out worked - non reaction making it easy for her to come back.

It's bloody hard though - I am married so no ex waiting to shit stir plus had support and I have other younger kids who needed a calm home and to know where boundaries were.

I personally wouldn't and didn't accept this behavior from a 12 year old - and frankly the usual suggestions I've seen is two years younger emotionally is some ways not an entire 6 years.

I would suggest maybe look at some books to help communication with her - acting like she had these conditiosn before they are formally diagnosed and see if anything helps - but I don't think you are being unreasonable here - I'd try very hard to keep you lines in the sand and wait her behavior out.

It’s a third. So 12 years if person is 18

But it's not inevitable that this results in bad behaviour. My eldest DD is AuDHD (diagnosed as an adult, so had no idea during her teenage years) and she was the best behaved and most adult of all the kids. She had her moments, but she certainly didn't behave a third younger than her actual years. Whereas her NT brothers most certainly did on occasion.

So sometimes it's not the ND, it's the personality.

Never heard that from any of the professional we've been involved with.

At most it been 2 years and how that mainfests is very individual.

I frankly don't find it credible that every ADHD child/young person is a third of their age maturity wise. Most teachers and adults found DD1 extremely mature for her age - it just sometime under stress at home she'd have problems.

I'd be asking questions of that lead ND pyschiatrist very least was that a personal opinion or based on any reasearch that can be pointed to.

I found DS - also likely ADHD - still waiting on diagnosis - and DN who very young but school and previous nursury are sure is - one parent diagnosed with it and other from family where it's rife - actually need more clear boundaries not fewer.

It's kind of not the point though as most parents would find that behavior unacceptable in a 12 year old though I suppose on MN some truely shocking behavior is excused in much older kids.

But she was right. Dd was 17 at the time, but more like 11 or 12 emotionally.

But she was right. Dd was 17 at the time, but more like 11 or 12 emotionally.

So in your opinion she was right about your child - fair enough I don't know you the professional who said this or the context they said it in or your DD.

I do know it doesn't apply to adhd kids in my family and none of the professionals involved with my family have ever said that.

Even if it's true for the OP - not sure it changes any of the advice I'd give. Look up books that may aid in communication and it's perfectly fine to refuse to be emotional punch bag and have boundaries.

No, she was very experienced, and told us that ND dc tended to be about a third behind their peers emotionally.

She was top pysch in area. I’ll take her advice over some random on internet. She must see about 600 kids a year. Been doing it for 20 years.