DD 18 hates me

[Puddleduck2013]

DD has always been high maintenance and is currently on an ND pathway.
As her Mum I have literally always done my very best for her and accommodated her every whim.

last year her father and I divorced and I have been plagued by guilt probably resulting in poor boundaries and expectations.

she has exceptionally poor emotional regulation, going nuclear in a heartbeat, causing conflict and chaos in her wake.

i have mostly ignored her outbursts (which i take responsibility for) but last week there was an incident where a line was crossed and had the power to rip our family apart,
it was her birthday and against my better judgement j agreed to attend a family meal with ex, It was always going to be a difficult evening but I thought it went as well as could be expected and looked like DD had a great time.

next day however j was bomabard by messages from DD and ex accusing another family member of being rude to ex and how it had ruined DD’s birthday. I saw nothing of the sort, in fact quite the opposite and suspect some sort of manipulation from Ex.
I had demands from both of them to confront this family member with threats that if I didn’t they would..
as far as I’m concerned even if such an incident did happen Ex was quite capable of dealing with it himself but clearly the 2 of them wanted to drag me into it.

j am so upset; have told DD I won’t be getting involved and yet again she has exploded at me, I am the safe parent, her father has very little to do with her yet somehow I am the villain. I have been called every name under the sun today and have had enough.

Thank you, hope it reaches you

@Puddleduck2013 she seems to be gaslighting you into thinking this is all on you. You were right not to kick off with the relative. A friend’s parent giving her a key and saying she’s welcome anytime doesn’t make them a better parent? I have a relative like this. She wasn’t spoilt with loads of possessions but she did grow up unable to deal with people saying ‘no’ and having no boundaries so she kicked off all the time at what she saw as injustice or personal slight. Her parents divorced and they felt guilty and they felt even less able to say no so she kind of ruled the roost - not good for any of them.

Thank you @Ohnobackagain
interestingly I was accused of gaslighting her because I told her calmly I wouldn’t be getting involved and refused to get sucked into the drama. I get that she’s cross with me for backtracking on discussing with said relative but having reflected it was absolutely nothing to do with me and I was clearly just being used as a mouthpiece for DD/Ex.

Apparently this friend’s family all get along famously, laugh, play board games, eat dinner together, make her feel welcome….everything I don’t do according to her. One massive difference being 2 parents still together who also have the luxury of time and money.
I've tried to insist we eat together at least a couple of times a week, she generally has something more important to do or somewhere to be. I know she is grieving st the loss of our own family unit but there is nothing I can do to change that

We have exactly this and we are still together! DD ditches us for other families while rejecting most attempts to do family stuff with us.

Of course other people's parents don't need to make sure you eat, sleep, wash, do your homework (or whatever's age appropriate)...and are unlikely to tell you off...

The two of you ARE a family unit, and the grass is always greener eh?

She sounds terribly angry and unfortunately you are her punch bag. I think you are absolutely right though at 18 enough is enough of this and time to stay strong and take a stand. I don't envy you, I have 2 young adult DC and it was far easier parenting toddlers!

Why do you need to be involved? You didn't witness the behaviour and didn't notice any issue until DD and/or ex brought it up. Is there some missing context, like the event was at your house and they think you should have asked the person to leave, or something like that? All you can do is say you didn't see/hear the behaviour and were not aware of it until after the event was over so couldn't have addressed it in real time.

I had demands from both of them to confront this family member with threats that if I didn’t they would. So what? Totally up to your ex if he wants to confront this person; nothing to do with you. If your daughter decides to go ahead and confront but is still adamant that she wants your support, perhaps try to talk her through telling you IN HER OWN WORDS what this person did and how it impacted her, and how she would speak to this person if they were present. You can encourage her to stand up for herself (generally), but you can't do it for her.

I didn’t say ‘would never behave like this’, I said ‘woukd never get away with’.

Being ND isn’t a hall pass for bad behaviour. And unfortunately the work you put in at a younger age dictates the adult you get at the other end, which OP has recognised.

Yes!
And good point, it's made me remember something that happened just after DH moved out.
DD was watching Gilmore Girls and loved it - and she asked me if I'd ever watched it, and then she gasped and said omg, we're Gilmore Girls now!
A bit twee I know, but we really bonded over that.
(We're not really anything like them - she has 2 older brothers, but they're away at university 😅)

@GiveafuckGertrude oh well, I live in hope we're doing the right thing then. It's hard to tell and none of us have a crystal ball.

It seems obvious to me she’s seen you bullied by exdh and she has picked up his badmouthing and nasty attitude and he’s still managing to bully you via her.

I think the conversation has to be had: “you keep telling me you’re an adult and you blame me for a bad childhood. I have done my very best, I have always loved you and I will always want the best for you. I want us to try and live in a happy home together. I’m asking you to step back and consider how you behave with me - I bet you don’t talk like that to your friends, your dad or your friends’ families. I understand you feel hurt, but you won’t get closure and you won’t move forward, by yelling at me and storming out. You are nearly at the end of your school years, and you will always have a place in my home. But there are conditions attached to living with me - and one is that you have to treat me with respect, and I will do the same with you. I don’t expect perfection, but you need to do a lot better than you are doing. If you really don’t think you can live alongside me without these angry outbursts, perhaps you would do better staying with your dad after your A levels and during your gap year. I would love to think we can fix these problems between us, but they will only be fixed if you actively try. And it’s not working right now. So we need to try something different. If that means you need to move out, then I’m on your side and o won’t guy I’ll trip you into staying if it’s not good for either of us.”