DD 18 hates me

[Puddleduck2013]

DD has always been high maintenance and is currently on an ND pathway.
As her Mum I have literally always done my very best for her and accommodated her every whim.

last year her father and I divorced and I have been plagued by guilt probably resulting in poor boundaries and expectations.

she has exceptionally poor emotional regulation, going nuclear in a heartbeat, causing conflict and chaos in her wake.

i have mostly ignored her outbursts (which i take responsibility for) but last week there was an incident where a line was crossed and had the power to rip our family apart,
it was her birthday and against my better judgement j agreed to attend a family meal with ex, It was always going to be a difficult evening but I thought it went as well as could be expected and looked like DD had a great time.

next day however j was bomabard by messages from DD and ex accusing another family member of being rude to ex and how it had ruined DD’s birthday. I saw nothing of the sort, in fact quite the opposite and suspect some sort of manipulation from Ex.
I had demands from both of them to confront this family member with threats that if I didn’t they would..
as far as I’m concerned even if such an incident did happen Ex was quite capable of dealing with it himself but clearly the 2 of them wanted to drag me into it.

j am so upset; have told DD I won’t be getting involved and yet again she has exploded at me, I am the safe parent, her father has very little to do with her yet somehow I am the villain. I have been called every name under the sun today and have had enough.

@Puddleduck2013 i can’t lie, I was gutted when my DD announced she wouldn’t be moving out to uni. Not because I desperately want her to move out or anything, but because I think she’s bypassing a major development step just because she’s cushy at home in a perpetual teenage mentality. I regret not asking for a contribution after she finished college and proclaimed her gap year but at the time I really thought I’d be helping (instead all her money goes on travelling).

Only around 19-20 I started pushing more towards responsibilities and I regret not starting sooner, so I strongly recommend it. I attended counselling sessions for a bit if you can afford it, because I’m very bad at boundaries and I’m usually consumed with guilt.

I tried to get her to pitch in with chiores
but she works such erratic hours and never communicates her plans, it always falls on deaf ears. I never know where she is or what time she’ll be in (if at all). She works at a pub often until very late and then decide she’s not coming home.

Again that’s my fault, this isn’t a hotel. I work 40+ hours pw and still have to do housework.
I need to get her involved and set firm expectations even if she’s not around a lot of the time.

@Puddleduck2013 even if she works at a pub, give her chores she can do during the day.

DD always chooses PT jobs with evening hours because “that’s when she doesn’t have to put up with managers”, so we agreed she’d have to get things done before I get home (5 - 5:30pm). It’s not perfect by any means and she usually does it very last minute (ie the dishes are still wet when I get home) but it’s more to start creating the sense of obligation.

She is also talking about a gap year so you’ve given me lots of food for thought! TBH I can’t see her going to uni but who knows.
Again a conversation to be had about how that gap year would work and I would def charge some sort of keep. I think that would be a huge shock and again likely create threats to leave home but I need to stand firm. It would be in her best interest to be treated like the adult she insists she is!!

She’s in her final year of 6th form so in theory also busy during the day but actually still hasn’t plenty of spare time to help
out

Sorry for all the ramblings….my main issue is what I do when she ignores my requests or goes nucleur at me. The only consequence I have is telling her to leave which although tempting isn’t the answer.

@Puddleduck2013 mine ended up begrudgingly enrolling fully online - it’s not what I would have chosen but at least she’s still doing something. I said either uni and if still help and support or working FT and paying her actual half of the bills so she went with what annoyed her less, I suppose.

My biggest takeaway from counselling was that I needed to carve more time for self-care (which I hadn’t done for many years except for starting a new relationship 3 years ago) and learning how to (try) let go of accommodating every whim and phase even if DD faceplants.

I’m still here and do pretty much 90% of all the chores + pay all the bills, but before I really went overboard in catering for her. It really was too much.

I’d be inclined to tell her she can go and live with her father if I’m such a terrible parent. See how they both like them apples…

Ignore her drama. She is 18. It's high time she grew up. Let her go and live with her father if he panders to her outbursts. You deserve better.

Perhaps your particular psychologist was placating you by saying that your child's more infantile behaviour was the norm? Better than being told that yours is REALLY behind in their development? My DD is 14, diagnosed Audhd and is probably emotionally behind by about a year, at this stage (used to be more like 2 years when she was younger). She has never behaved in the way that the OP describes, at any age, and now is one of the nicest, kindest kids. There are no generalisations that describe all ND people but being a third of her age behind sounds extreme. If she was behaving like a 10 year old now, I'd seriously be concerned that something else was amiss.

I mean my DC is ND and also 12, and they’d never get away with this behaviour.

I have a niece, diagnosed with mild-autism (that’s what she told me) but she is definitely on the spectrum somewhere. Highly academic without effort or even awareness. Why do I mention her condition? Because it does have impact on
her relationships, especially with her DM. We talk about it in depth and her overall response is that she doesn’t care how it makes her DM feel. Her DM in her eyes is the root of all her problems and she treats her very badly. Her relationship with her DM is a nightmare but with me she is all goodness and light. And so I am there for her!

I have spent years, since she was a teen, trying to mediate. She is now in her 30s. I say to myself that if she was my DD I would walk away, but my DS doesn’t, she keeps going back in there, trying for change and her DD keeps screaming at her, calling her names and blaming her. She and her DM are now NC, which is sad but maybe for the best.

Do you see your relationship with your DD ever changing? She’s 18. Maybe, despite you being the safe parent, living with her DF, might be the way to go.

My niece went to live with her DF in the end. She also played her DM and DF off against each other. He passed away, sadly and, wow, all hell broke loose!

I really feel for you!

@MNLurker1345 thats really sad

By way of update, she eventually came home and I tried to talk to her. She got VERY upset and basically said her childhood was ruined for many reasons, that all I do is moan at her and how we aren’t a ‘family’ anymorehence why she escapes to other friends where she feels part of something. Also told me she’s been given a key to one friend’s house and told she was welcome anytime time day or night, which stung.

i don’t know what to do or how to repair our relationship. I thought i was doing the best I could, sorted counselling, supported her but clearly I’m not. She said I never want to spend any time with her, I’m never happy to see her and am always the ‘victim’ who never say’s sorry.. tbh I’m so busy working trying to keep a roof over our heads I have very little spare time and she herself works long hours! I do agree though we have become ships in the night.

Still adamant she’s never talking to the family member from her birthday dinner and very aggrieved that I didn’t wade in when initially I said I would talk to him, I take responsibility for that.

it’s all such a mess, I just want to try and start rebuilding bridges with my daughter

I have considered family counselling but given her volatility I’m not sure it would be the best approach.

Well lucky you?

I also have an ND 12 year old and while DH and I do our utmost, she is very, very tricky, volatile and difficult.

You have options with a 12 year old you don't with a 20 year old though.

I could, sadly, recognise much of what the OP described.

It is v difficult dealing with people who have little insight into their emotions or those of others.

I don't like victim blaming.

Have you tried NVR OP? Just for you. That's the only type of counselling we found helpful.

WiC sessions/practitioners (based on Eddie Gallagher's book Who's in Charge) can also be helpful.

Thank you @Needlenardlenoo I will look into it.
it’s horrendous and I feel like she’s been the one in charge for many years.
I have all manner of accusations thrown at me where I’m the world’s shittest parent,, yet when I try to parent or implement boundaries they get completely ignored.

I love her but freely admit I’m scared of her which she knows. I know what she needs is for me to stay firm with her but I don’t know how to without making matters. I felt bullied in my marriage and similar now

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This charity is good too.

Hi OP, I have had similar behaviour from my 17yr DD, when I split with ex-H about 2 years ago. I was the safe parent too - and she was moody, raged at me, played me & my ex off against each other. I gave into her far too much because "her dad had left" and she'd come back from seeing her dad and say "dad says you're a narcissist and a sociopath" etc - it was awful.
We are really good now, so please know that you can come through this.
I was having counselling after the death my mother, but she turned out to incredibly helpful with the breakdown of my marriage and with my daughter too.
She firstly really helped me see things for DD's point of view, which reduced the clashes between us. I just felt more understanding of her. We talked a lot and over time I found ways to talk to her which didn't blow up into a massive argument.
But importantly she also talked to me about my boundaries, and about how important it was to centre myself.
I started laying down a few gentle boundaries and saying 'no' to DD - a very silly thing to start with. She wanted to go shopping straight from school, I needed to get home. She raged at me, called me lazy & selfish. Normally, this would have blown up into WW3, but I just calmly said, 'well yes, I am trying to centre myself more now, thanks to my therapist.' She went completely quiet.
I was incredibly lucky to find my therapist - she's brilliant. She's a grief and relationships therapist. It wasn't a quick fix, it took some time (months) to start healing our relationship - but I would recommend you get some counselling just for you.
Look after yourself and good luck.

That’s a bold statement! Not all ND is the same. This girl has no diagnosis, and even if she does indeed get one, she may well just be a manipulative spoilt brat.

@LovesLabradors wow you could be me, right down to my own DM passing away and your user name!
Similarly I have been accused of being a narcissist, professional victim… what DD ranted at me yesterday clearly came straight from Ex.

I did have a therapist but stopped going after a while as didn’t feel like I was making any progress. Can I DM you?

Hi OP, yes of course!
If you live anywhere near me, I'll give you my therapist's details, if not I can send you her details so you can look for a similar one.

People are all different. My son has ASD and whilst his maturity is less than his peers it’s not a third less. Either way her behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable from a 13 year old either. Plus she has no diagnosis. I’m sick of bratty behaviour simply being written off as ND and ND itself being presented as an excuse for awful behaviour. See where that gets you in the real world where the duty is to make reasonable adjustments, not tolerate endless shitty behaviour and tantrums.