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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Son at university advice asap

95 replies

Carol52 · 28/09/2025 23:15

My son is at university he missed accommodation on campus so he is commuting. He qualifies for a bursery etc. we live about 35 mins drive from the university. My don has struggled a bit the first week but hopefully he will settle ok. He has joined a sports club but will need picking up twice a week. I feel awful but I said he may need to give be something for the petrol. the reason he got the bursery was because I am on a low income. We paid for the train tickets for travel but the clubs are away from the university so I said pick him up. The question is am I being unfair.

OP posts:
Leftrightmiddle · 29/09/2025 10:15

It maybe worth seeing if any accommodation has become available due to non starters or anyone dropping out.
Although accom is likely to be more costly than travel

PlaceIntheClouds · 29/09/2025 10:23

That's going to cost you £5 on petrol per round trip.

Set aside £150-£200 to get him a basic second hand bike and then new helmet, lock and lights. It will be a good warm up and cool down from training sessions and the independence will be good for him.

escapedtheshitshow · 29/09/2025 10:26

I haven't read the full thread, sorry!

How much is his train fare? Can he check whether there is a hostel/very cheap AirBnBs in the town to set against the train fare - so if he pays say £25 for an AirBnB bed but it's £10 in anyway, he's only paying £15 extra per night for example?

Also look at Couchsurfing.

He will have to be very organised and a very good guest, but there are options beyond paying very high rents and also needing to be driven around by parents.

MJShell · 29/09/2025 10:27

Would you had to pay for accommodation at uni if he'd had got it?

Chewbecca · 29/09/2025 10:27

Of course he needs to contribute to your petrol, he also needs to contribute to housing/ food costs. That's what his student loan and bursary is to help towards. And he has part time income too, he should have no problem covering his outgoings without you needing to be worse off as a result.

chattychatchatty · 29/09/2025 10:28

If you can’t afford it and he can then of course he should contribute - petrol is not cheap. You shouldn’t feel bad about asking him, he must know your financial situation.

Lovingbooks · 29/09/2025 10:39

Maybe I’m missing the point but university is about independence. If there is public transport then he should be encouraged to use it, obviously if this isn’t viable then yes he shouldn’t be expecting free lifts work out the mileage and ask for a contribution.

Munnzy65 · 29/09/2025 10:44

My Grandson just graduated as an Architect, he was in Bournemouth and I'm in Peterborough... he had to get a job when not at Uni, the students get discounted bus and rail tickets, Student accommodation is very expensive and quite substandard in my opinion, and we had to pay for it in advance in August and wait for student loans to be paid back to him in October... it's really hard, but he was determined to do it, and was successful, they will gradually make friends with people on and off his course, who can maybe point him in the right direction.

ohyesido · 29/09/2025 10:47

If he wants to go he will have to find a way to manage the travelling and logistics. If you wearily give in you will set a precedent for the future.

what would he do if you did not drive?

MiddleAgedDread · 29/09/2025 11:00

if he can get the train there why can't he get it home again? He's a grown adult, students all over the country get themselves home at night.

Himan · 29/09/2025 11:02

Get him insured on your car and turn it into driving lessons. He can pay for the fuel and also he will see how far and tiring it actually is. He can pass his test and become a bit more independent

Comefromaway · 29/09/2025 11:04

Assuming that he is living at home and on full loan then he should be paying towards his keep at home. The loan for living at home is less but it isn't that much less and the bursary on top acknowledges that you are unable to help him.

Arlanymor · 29/09/2025 11:10

So he must be paying you something to live at home so just increase that to reflect this extra travel. Although to be honest can’t he drive himself on the club night and then he’ll be putting petrol in the vehicle anyway? Because it’s not just the cost of the fuel, it’s a faff to do a 70-mile round trip each week for a grown adult’s hobby.

Widower2014 · 29/09/2025 11:14

PortSalutPlease · 28/09/2025 23:19

Why can’t he get public transport? Or cycle? Does he contribute to his living expenses at all?

35 minute car drive would be how long on a push bike with all his university stuff as well.... No doubt you would then moan about a cyclist in front of you slowing you down....

OP find out how much a taxi would be and then ask for half as much towards fuel

JohnBullshit · 29/09/2025 11:21

I think there's a difference in the loan amount for students living at home. Nevertheless, you're left with the financial burden of housing an adult without recompense on a low income. I bet your DC is much better off than you are.

BoudiccaRuled · 29/09/2025 11:22

He's at uni and you're driving him around like a 7 year old. Let him work it out.

BoudiccaRuled · 29/09/2025 11:22

He's at uni and you're driving him around like a 7 year old. Let him work it out.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/09/2025 11:48

He needs to find a way to get to the club and back again, to take the train home. Someone will be driving, or there's a bus there and hopefully a lift back.

Any more than if he wants to go to the pub after classes its last train or crash on someone's floor.

This is the very real downside of commuting to uni but millions of people do it for financial reasons and you are already supporting him by presumably covering his living costs at home. You've done all you can do.

Gremlins101 · 29/09/2025 11:57

You are definitely not being unfair.

I don't think there is any issue with living at home for uni, but then here in Ireland it is normal. In UK, less so.

Hippobot · 29/09/2025 12:00

The law states that parents have financial obligation for their children up to the age of 25, if they are in full time education.

Treeleaf11 · 29/09/2025 12:05

If he is getting a loan and a bursary and has a part time job of course he should be paying you petrol as well as board. The reason he has a bursary is because you are on a low income and he is supposed to be paying board. He cant pocket the bursary and leave you worse off, thats the whole point of the bursary.

Chewbecca · 29/09/2025 12:06

Hippobot · 29/09/2025 12:00

The law states that parents have financial obligation for their children up to the age of 25, if they are in full time education.

That's only a Scottish law actually. No English equivalent.

Hippobot · 29/09/2025 12:10

Chewbecca · 29/09/2025 12:06

That's only a Scottish law actually. No English equivalent.

Show quote history

I missed the part where OP stated they lived in England, sorry.

Chewbecca · 29/09/2025 12:12

Hippobot · 29/09/2025 12:10

I missed the part where OP stated they lived in England, sorry.

Show quote history

She didn't so it may well be relevant 🤣

Comefromaway · 29/09/2025 12:14

There is some provision (in England) if parents are separated/divorced for the young person to take the non resident parent to court for parental contribution but the young person would be expected to be taking out the full loan available to them as well as working. It is very rare that such an action would be sucessful and usually only in extenuating circumstances.