Requesting contribution from adult child

[hidinginthebathroomagain]

DH and I live with 2 DC. Aged 21 working FT and early teen.
DC 21 only pays his phone bill all other wages are his own. DH are always skint. Account is almost empty a week before payday. We have 5k in loans for house repairs. I feel DC should be contributing but DH is reluctant.
Bills come to £1300 plus shopping and cleaning products etc. I think £300 is fair DH thinks £100 which I think is pointless. His washing is done, food made most nights and bedroom cleaned etc. His GF stays her around 3/4 nights a week too which is increasing costs.

is £300 too much? He probably has £1600

Firstly stop doing his washing, he’s a grown man! Stop cleaning his bedroom, that’s bordering on intrusive, I think him sharing family meals is lovely but he should be buying and cooking all other food that isn’t a family meal. In addition to these extra chores and food, £100 a month is enough to cover the extra cost of him being there

Split the difference between you and your DH - so £200 a month, which is £50 a week which is literally nothing. That still gives him £1,400 a month or £350 a week. So if he only paying his phone bill he should be able to make good savings for the day he decides to move out. And please stop cleaning his room and doing his washing - he's 21, not 12 - he should absolutely be doing those things himself at the very least.

I agree, let him take the opportunity to be develop self-reliance and clean his own room and do his own washing.
I reckon,as the parent of 3 adult DC, all of whom have lived at home as adults that with energy bills being what they are and COL generally, £300 pm barely covers his share of bills. If he is a big eater or takes long showers, then it probably doesn't . Add in GF, if she is eating and showering at yours, that's probably costing you another £30 pw easily. If you are not making ends meet, then DS as a working adult really should be contributing to all the household costs, even if he is not paying rent.

Omg what am I reading? You clean your 21 year old son’s bedroom? And do all his laundry?

Yes of COURSE he should be paying. £300 sounds more than fair. Plus extra for his girlfriend when she stays.

He should be cleaning his room, doing his own washing. £300 should be the bare minimum.

I think if the family is struggling then yes, he definitely should be contributing. There’s no reason for him to have his full wages to do whatever he wants while his parents are skint.

I think in the long run it’s also helpful for them to understand that bills exist and must be paid.

I don't charge anything but I don't do washing, cooking or cleaning. And no girlfriends allowed.
£300 seems fair if you are skint.

That’s just crazy. Why is DH so against him contributing reasonably? I would see 25% of take home as reasonable. If he was contributing according to use it would be more. He is 1/3 of the adults in the house but also has his girlfriend stay.

He should be contributing to the household beyond cash though and actively taking a share of wider housework, and definitely not being waited on as he is. You are making someone who will be a terrible partner / housemate when they do move out (although why would they leave this absolute jackpot of a situation?).

My DH is also vehemently against taking contributions.

You’re not doing him any favours, doing his washing and cleaning his room is ridiculous. He should take over these tasks asap. I would also expect someone that age to be taking turns to make family meals and a fair share of housework.
£300 seems a very fair contribution to bills and food. £200 could be a compromise for now, or charge £300, take £200 and secretly save £100 for him to give a lump sum towards flat deposit/car etc when he needs it.

You are treating your son like a young child.

I live with my adult children (age 19 and 24) and they do their own laundry and clean their rooms and bathrooms. The 24 year old works and pays and cooks food for himself and his gf. He buys his own toiletries too.

You say that the only costs your son has is phone. Do you make him a packed lunch ? Doesn’t he run a car? No subscriptions like gym, contact lenses? No barbers appointments etc ?

£100 is a third of my council tax.

20+ years ago, my adult child asked how I'd feel if they and their partner moved into my house (large three bedrooms, I was on my own). We had an adult conversation about it. Things like privacy, me having male friend stay over and, of course money.

We agreed that I would pay the bills, utility and mortgage, they would buy and shop for the food. They would be responsible for managing the upkeep of the house, we would each pay a share of the upkeep.

We would each have our own living spaces during the day, but no restrictions on sitting in each other's space. And both our bedrooms were out of bounds for the other, except in emergency.

For all these 20+ years it's all worked pretty well, by and large.

Your children are adults, having an adult conversation with them seems to me is what's needed. Telling them you are struggling to meet the family's financial commitments and asking for their help in meeting what are joint responsibility seems a good starting point.

not a shouting match when you are under, for example, financial pre ssure, but a reasonable and adult conversation.

Oh, and sorry, I don't have any experience of how you can/should handle your husband.

Of course he should pay £300! That leaves him with more than enough, and I don't think we do our adult children any favours by mollycoddling them.

Btw I also hate this fashion for 'secretly' saving their contribution for a later house deposit. Because its not secret, is it? It's so common they've all come to expect it: Ive had to say to my teenagers, "When you are earning you will be contributing, and please don't think I will be saving it up to give back to you because that is not something I can afford to do". So, added pressure for the less wealthy, and also really infantilising.

Far better to tell him he gets to pay a subsidised contribution (£300) if he commits to save a matching £300 for a later deposit. He is old enough to learn how to contribute AND to save.

My DS2 21 had a year long placement from uni. I did washing and cooking as he worked very long hours, I charged £200 but with girlfriend at hours a lot £300 seems very reasonable. No one in this world gets a free ride better to learn sooner rather than later. It probably cost at least £40 per week for my sons food as he is a gym bunny and ate lots of protein. It not like you are going to make a profit. If your son complains send him to do a food shop for himself for a week as a trial(not to be mean) My son knew everything is very expensive as at uni he obviously bought his own food.

I think it depends where you live to a degree. Realistically, I gave my parents £300 a month 25 years ago. I would suggest £400 minimum. Although, where I live you couldn't get a room in a shared house for less than £800.

After uni I earned around £1000 a month in my first job. I paid ~£200 a month as board. I've lived with my parents and DD for just over a year during divorce/sale of the marital home. I'm paying £750 now, both times it's been a steal!

How much does it cost you? Charge that. But for what it’s worth £300 sounds pretty low.

His room is cleaned because if I Hoover upstairs I go all around I don’t dust or change the bed ( his GF does that) he doesn’t eat with us I plate him up whatever I make and he eats when he gets home. The washing all gets done together so it seems daft making him keep his separate.

He has petrol costs but no car payments. I haven’t listed his hair cuts clothes because that’s not bills.

He goes out to eat with GF a few times a week, DH and I can’t afford to do this. GW showers here and they have the TV and a fan on all night

400 pounds a month at least.

He’s on to an absolute winner here!

He lives rent and mortgage free while mummy and girlfriend act as unpaid servants while he swans around at the gym.
He is going to be such a great husband !

Is this even real? Your son and his girlfriend take the piss out of you and your husband for ages and you both let them? Tell your son to cough up or kick him out. There is nowhere in where he could rent for £300 per month inclusive of bills. Your son is an embarrassment but you and your DH have made rids for your own backs. I would charge £500 a month.

If he doesn’t agree he should be paying to live in your home, let him go and find somewhere else to live for free.

He needs to contribute especially when you are struggling financially and perhaps buy some food

He’s actually DSS. Didn’t mention that as don’t want to gone across as evil step mother.

We’re going to speak to him over the weekend and tell him it’s time he started paying but I just know he’s going to push back. I’ve given DH the figures so he has something to go to price wise. I’d be willing to compromise at £250 because he has started buying food on the nights they cook together. Fingers crossed he accepts he’s had it good til now