Requesting contribution from adult child

[hidinginthebathroomagain]

DH and I live with 2 DC. Aged 21 working FT and early teen.
DC 21 only pays his phone bill all other wages are his own. DH are always skint. Account is almost empty a week before payday. We have 5k in loans for house repairs. I feel DC should be contributing but DH is reluctant.
Bills come to £1300 plus shopping and cleaning products etc. I think £300 is fair DH thinks £100 which I think is pointless. His washing is done, food made most nights and bedroom cleaned etc. His GF stays her around 3/4 nights a week too which is increasing costs.

is £300 too much? He probably has £1600

This. I’m shocked that either of them would think that is acceptable and I’d honestly be suggesting they get a place together and see how much that works out at!

Bloody hell. That’s embarrassing both for DH and DSS. I would have shown him how much it actually costs to run the house then asked him to come up with an appropriate contribution amount.

That’s exactly what happened.

I’m so sorry OP. You must be pulling your hair out.

So he was shown a list of the bills. Nit including food shopping. Cleaning products or house maintenance. I worked out it cost about £350 per person for bills only. Baring in mind he eats most of the food. Him and H eat shit loads DD is only 13 and eats like a bird and I buy my own WLI so don’t eat bugger all from the shopping. I’m done with it. I feel like a total mug

Time to fight with fire. I'm fuming with you

Your husband doesn't not get to make that sort of decision without your agreement.

Insist you review your mutual contributions to the family budget. You could agrue you shouldn't be paying half the costs, as DSS isn't your son. So DH needs to put his hand in his pocket to increase his contribution, or he gets his son to pay a decent amount. I bet £150 isn't even covering a third of the council tax. If son won't pay and you've already said your DH is skint at the end of each month, DH will have to get a better paying job or a second job to cover his son

Your DSS
No washing - clothes or bedding
No food / meals at all
Forget about things making sense to run a big load, plating up if he's not there. Just plain no. He needs to learn a lesson, that he's clearly unwilling to do
and most importantly - no girlfriend to stay. He can go and live with her parents.

And if you care for the girl - sit her down and give her some home truths about her boyfriend and his lack of future potential as a life long partner. And tell he she can't wash his bedding either. Would be interesting to find out how much she's paying her parents in rent/ board & lodging

Sorry this may be coming over as petty and vindictive. But yout DH is an enabling idiot and your DSS is a lazy CF. Stand firm against these men.

Youre missing the point completely regarding the laundry. It’s a life skill that he needs to learn and have some responsibility for. My two DC weren’t putting what needed washing in the laundry so I had them do their own from about 15. I’d rather have an extra load in the washing machine than the tv a fan on all night. I take it he’s not watching terrestrial tv. Who’s paying for Netflix, Sky, Prime or whatever he’s watching?

I would have replied £100.....a week, yes that's acceptable.

I would be stopping the Gf staying over for a start. No meals, no laundry.

How much does the gf pay to her parents out of curiosity?

If it helps I have not done my DC washing, no cleaned their room - bar a sporadic hoover- since they were 14/15
It’s an important life skill.
and yes they should pay rent

£300 sounds more than fair

That's only £10 a day, probably barely covers food, hot water and bog roll. Then you add in the gf there 50% of the time...

I don’t dust or change the bed (his GF does that)

She's a mug.

GF showers here and they have the TV and a fan on all night

And so are you and DH for letting them get away with this.

Per calendar month! Wow. My 20 year old who worked part-time for years, and also splits time equally between me and his dad, started his 1st full time job in September. I've been charging him £100 pcm since he turned 19. He doesn't know but I will be able to put that money aside for him as a deposit. We've yet to renegotiate the FT rate. He was working 2 days so 40 %. His commute is lengthy and he is not sure about the job, so I dont want to rock the boat. But 100% of his PT rate would be £250 pcm but not all that time with me. Your SS is absolutely out of touch. And as for his GF HE needs to be chipping in for that.

Everyone is different. We don't take from our 24 year old because really apart from food we would be paying exactly the same out on bills ( CT, gas and electric ) whether he lives with us or not. We don't need money from him. However, my dd's bf's mum has just put his board up to £500 a month and she gets this from him and his sibling so 1k a month !. I personally think this is excessive but she is a lone parent with a mortgage in London so I guess she must need to.

@Minty25 I feel that in this case, the gf staying 3/4 nights a week is a big factor. The OP and her DH shouldn’t be subsidizing her as well, that’s really cheeky!

Yes agree. My ds's gf stays with us for two days at the weekend but equally he stays at her parents. They will buy a take away sometimes for us all when here or buy their own food. Agree op's ds is taking the piss here !

I can’t bring myself to even look at H right now. He doesn’t understand that he should never have agreed this on his own. The fact that SS is way better off each month than we are makes no sense. He thinks it’s fair due to him paying his car insurance/phone and occasional food for him and girlfriend. Like we don’t also have other expenses. He’s going to give one days pay where I give half my salary. I also pay DD school lunches and all her expenses. My car expenses mine and DDs phone.

Ge actually said well it’s £100 we didn’t have before WTF

You really don"t need to agree to partners staying with you.I don't.

When ds2 was still living with me and had a job he gave me 20% of his take home pay.

His room was up to him to deal with.

I did laundry all together as there were only two of us, but only did what he’d bothered to put in the laundry basket.

DS1 came back for a while post uni. I didn’t charge him rent as he was saving for deposit on a flat. But he’d been paying his Dad rent when he was staying with him during uni years.

When they both moved out my electricity bill visibly reduced (comparing with previous two years on my smart meter) with computers no longer running 24/7 .

Totally agree! Cannot get my head round parents secretly saving their own children's money... very patronising!

Well you tell your DH that as you wanted £300 and he has agreed £100, you will be keeping an additional £200 of your salary to yourself and DH can make up the shortfall in the joint account from his personal spending money as he doesn't think it is necessary. And you stop doing the laundry and cooking and cleaning for DSS as he is clearly disrespecting you with this offer.

Stop buying any of the food only he likes and don’t cook for him. £150 barely covers his share of utilities - I’d give him notice all be so much better off and happier overall. Limit how often his girlfriend can stay - 2 nights maximum. He should be doing his own washing anyway; make it clear you’re not happy and he needs to leave by Easter.

It’s not the childrens’ money, though is it? The money belongs to the parents; to cover bills. If the parent can afford to put it to one side to help with a deposit later in life—fair enough. That parent also has every right to use that savings in the event of an emergency, an unexpected expense, or a marriage breakup where they need to buy a new home (or anything else they like for that matter—the money is legally theirs). Best not to make big promises to DC which could end up in disappointment later, if they never come to fruition. I’m saving for my DC’s first home (not through rent—they’re still in 6th form), but it is a secret because I cannot predict the future and they may never see a penny of it if my circumstances change. It’s my money at the end of the day.

This. With bells on

I agree with PP’s. Keep more of your own salary and stop doing chores for him. He's a healthy young adult, he doesn’t need you running around after him.

I agree the secret saving is a bit of a joke. Ds asked us straight out if we were going to do the secret saving! 😂
We charge him for the cost of living with us - dh worked that out as roughly £100/month but that is not including food - he gets evening meals (is incredibly busy in work - normal circumstances I insist he shops and cooks for a meal a week) but if he wants breakfast/lunch he can help himself to the contents of the fridge but I am not providing these for him.
We are very well off - but I don't believe a person working full time should not make some contribution - we don't ask for food money but if we were skint I would without hesitation.
Ds can save £1000/month. If he starts living a lifestyle that indicates he isn't making significant savings, we will start enforced (rather than secret) savings if he wants to continue living with us. I make allowances because he needs to get savings behind him to allow him to be become independent. I do not make allowances so that he live a lifestyle above his means.

Oh the poor mite, no money because he’s been away and had to get tyres. He needs to get a grip! Us homeowners/renters would still have to pay bills regardless. He’ll pull the “woe is me” card for sure