Requesting contribution from adult child

[hidinginthebathroomagain]

DH and I live with 2 DC. Aged 21 working FT and early teen.
DC 21 only pays his phone bill all other wages are his own. DH are always skint. Account is almost empty a week before payday. We have 5k in loans for house repairs. I feel DC should be contributing but DH is reluctant.
Bills come to £1300 plus shopping and cleaning products etc. I think £300 is fair DH thinks £100 which I think is pointless. His washing is done, food made most nights and bedroom cleaned etc. His GF stays her around 3/4 nights a week too which is increasing costs.

is £300 too much? He probably has £1600

My parents didn’t charge me board and I in turn haven’t charged my older teens.

Are you working OP? If not, it’s a bit much to expect a DS to support you.

But the amount suggested doesn’t sound unreasonable.

Haven't read all the thread. I have DS back with me after graduation. He is now 23, haven't asked him to contribute before, nor over summer. However had conversation last month and asked him to contribute £375/month from now. He isn't earning at moment but has substantial savings from previous jobs.

My thinking was, divided the bills/council tax/food 50/50. Didn't include additional costs (eg room cost). I am a single mum and have felt quite stressed in past when I was working hard to keep the roof over our heads/pay student finance, and my young adults had cash to go out for meals and travel which I didn't. I accepted that then as a passing phase, but now it looks like being more settled I think it matters out of pocket costs are shared more equally. It has been a long slog budgeting as a single mum and paying student maintenance and more for expensive cities. I had just got to the stage of finishing that and anticipating a bit more leeway in the finances, but the cost of having and feeding another adult in the house had set me into deficit again. His contribution does make the difference between whether I can manage and save a little, or not. I plan to revisit this when he is earning, with the conversation about how much a room in this area would be, so he at least saves the market rate from his wages.

His GF staying 3/4 nights a week jumped out to me, that’s incredibly cheeky without any financial contribution from either of them.

I agree that £100 a month is far too low; £250 is more reasonable esp. as his gf stays so often.

Support me? How would he be supporting me.
4 people live here. DH & I pay for everything.

Stop paying for his haircuts and clothes fgs, this is a grown MAN, he also has his GF over to clean his bedroom (wtf) who also uses water, bog toilet roll, electric and food....

This is all too much and honestly a bit weird for his age, it won't help him grow up or mature enough to leave eventually.

Your husband.is giving him a poor example to live by.

£100 pw is low enough, I was paying £50 pw to my mother during a ( the only time ) stop gap in 2004, over 20yrs ago.
He needs to pay and you need to stop paying for his things.

What a horrible thing to say. He's not going to support the OP. It's lovely that your parents could afford to subsidise you but the OP is not in the same situation. Besides, he's a grown man who should pay his way.

We don’t pay for his clothes and hair cuts. Where did I say that?
His GF doing things in his room is her business. She wants the bed changed and the room tidy so she does it cos he’s a lazy man who isn’t bothered about it. More fool her I say.
I’ll be pushing for £300 which is a small amount from his salary. DH and I I put in 3/4 of our salary and have to buy clothes, petrol, hair cuts, phones etc from what’s left so I don’t think £300 is unreasonable.

Conversation has been had. Couple of arguments like I’m here the least time of anyone and I shower at the gym. However he showers here before the gym and uses the most electric/gas when he’s here. Plus there’s 2 of them a lot of the week. He’s going to think about which he thinks is a reasonable payment.

£600 a month is a more realistic fair payment really. Point out to him too that either the girlfriend starts paying for food and electricity use etc as she’s there more than her own place or she comes round less

Personally I think it does no favours to mollycoddle earning adult “children”. He needs to know what being an adult costs and start contributing.

I'm glad you've had the conversation with him, but his reaction isn't good! They are both taking the piss to be honest. Do they ever offer to get you a takeaway or bring home a bottle of wine, or offer to take you out for dinner? Selfish behaviour from adults that age. They'll still be with you in their 30s!

Presumably she also works ... their joint income must be good. They have a lot of disposable income.

My 22 year old doesn’t live at home but in a property I own. He has similar take home pay. Other than he doesn’t pay rent, he pays for everything else - phone, food, bills, council tax, dentist etc etc. If he was living at home I’d expect a contribution, and if I didn’t actually need it I’d put it in a savings account first him (he’s a terrible spender) for when he did move out. As for cleaning he’d be vacuuming and more! He’d certainly be doing his own laundry (actually he’s been doing that since he was 14) and doing a fair share of the cooking.

Glad you’ve had the conversation but it’s cheeky of him to be thinking about what he thinks is a reasonable payment-life ain’t like that, mate!

Regardless of what he pays, his gf should def. be contributing, you have no obligation to financially support her!

He’s going to think about which he thinks is a reasonable payment.

So you framed the conversation as a negotiation? Which would be a mistake - tell him and his girlfriend what the amount is and if they don't like it they can find somewhere cheaper or the same price (which won't ever happen). You are letting them walk all over you.

GF pays rent to her own parents.

DH had the chat and told him our costs and what that worked out as per person. He told him house maintenance is on top. So I’m looking for about £300 and if he thinks anything less than £250 is reasonable I’ll be putting my opinion in. I put over half my salary in so I expect a decent contribution

@hidinginthebathroomagain That's even worse, given that she spends half the week at your house! They’re taking the piss.

In your situation, I'd say there are 3 adults living there and the costs should be split 3 ways. If DH wants to fund his DS, that's up to him. You pay 1/3 and how he organises the remaining 2/3 is his business.

I dont charge my adult dc 'rent' but I do ask them for a contribution towards the bills. They each give me 400 pm which includes their meals and they are happy to do so, they know it's a good deal for them.

That would cover the little DC though.
I think 1/4 of costs is reasonable.

His excuse has been an expensive month with weekends away and tyres.

Can’t wait to get a bed tyre so I don’t have to pay any bills that month. Ffs

Frankly DSS is a CF, enabled by his father. This is your real problem.
In this scenario where you and DH are struggling financially, I wouldn't be allowing GFs staying over - unless the DSS was covering fully the extra expense.
He's had it too good, and even paying £300 is a pittance compared to the 'real world'. How often he is at home, takes showers etc. is irrelevant; if he had his own place he'd have to pay his monthly rent & council tax regardless how often he's home. Did your DH not point that out to him?

He's not supporting HER he is meant to be supporting HIMSELF

Update. He’s offered £100 after H said £150. H has agreed. He just told me and is pleased as punch with it. I’m fuming.

Oh no! Go back and get more - that still gives him 1500 a month fun money! Wouldn’t we all love that 🙄 £300 minimum - keep fighting OP. You need to perhaps show him exactly how much he costs re food and bills, maybe he doesn’t realise??

Your DSS is an embarrassment and I would have no respect for your husband if I were in your shoes. Actually I think this would be a deal breaker for me.