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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Ds going to university advice asap

85 replies

Carol52 · 20/08/2025 09:53

Hi my son has been offered a place at a Russell group university which is around a hour from door to door . He wanted to commute . We did a trail run snd it all went wrong. He now wants accommodation which will mean a lot more debt. he also had an offer from a smaller university a lot less prestigious but in the same city we live I. but he said why would I chance from a really respected university to a small one.
I don’t know what to advise him I cannot help financially and I think he would be best to travel as he is not very street wise etc. we needs to make a decision so any advice would be great.
Also I am getting upset already the thought of him leaving and feel really selfish .

OP posts:

Thingsthatgo · 20/08/2025 10:06

First of all you need to unravel the reason you don’t want him to move out. Is it for selfish reasons, financial reasons or do you genuinely think he won’t manage? (he seems keen and confident enough to go for it).
If your reasons are sound and you believe it is in his best interest, I would practise the commute again and see if there are better ways, or if the bad commute was a blip.

DPotter · 20/08/2025 10:20

An hours commute each way is quite a lot and I would imagine quite expensive. Remember part of the purpose of going to uni is to separate from parents - it will be good for him to live as an adult. Also a hours commute each way will to a barrier up for making friends, joining societies & groups and general socialising - again a big part of uni life.

Yes it will be more expensive to pay for accommodation but at least be supportive for his first year when the pattern is set for friendships, groups etc.

This isn't about you, this is about his life and you will have to adapt to what he wants to do

RosesAndHellebores · 20/08/2025 10:25

Sounds like lack of readiness, lack of planning. Why is he going? If he goes, the best uni possible is a pre-requisite. It's very late in the day to be sorting out the practicalities.

You've had 18 years to plan to fund this. Why haven't you and dif you can't, does he qualify for a full grant.

I'd want him to go if he were mine but I'd worry if he wasn't ready. Both of mine had gap years bit due to acing their A'Levels/IB - is it possible for him to defer for a year and work towards accommodation fees?

RainbowBagels · 20/08/2025 10:27

Student debt isn't the same as normal debt. It's paid back at 9% of salary no matter how much your DS borrows. So let him get the maintenance loan for accommodation and live in at the RG first choice university. He will get far more support living on campus too so it won't really matter if he's not that streetwise. Everyone is in the same boat at the same place.

SummerInSun · 20/08/2025 10:30

He’s absolutely right that he shouldn’t turn down the RG uni offer for a less well known small uni. An RG degree will be far more respected by future employers, and he’ll probably have a much better experience and education.

On living out, that’s part of the uni experience- a chance to be independent, find your own feet, make your own mistakes, learn to be an adult, etc. if he can find a way to make it work financially, you need to let him go. Totally natural and normal for you to be sad about it - almost all parents are - but you can’t hold him back. And as he’s only an hour away I’m sure you’ll see lots of him - if only because he’s sick of pot noodles and wants home cooking and his laundry done!

tarheelbaby · 20/08/2025 10:30

PPs are all correct.

Your son needs to go to the best possible university and to live in at that university. You can visit him lots in the first weeks since it's only an hour each way.

Part of the point of university is that afterwards students should be able to access better paying jobs and thus the debt will not be an issue. The debt is a short-term investment in future earnings.

(Why did he think he would commute?)

OxfordInkling · 20/08/2025 10:33

you can’t help with the finances, so he will have to self fund. If he wants to - let him.

VanCleefArpels · 20/08/2025 10:34

Commuting is a bonkers idea especially for the first year - he needs to fully immerse himself in student life which means much more than just attending lectures. So as PP have said get an application in for student finance asap and apply for a place in Halls

Octavia64 · 20/08/2025 10:35

Student debt is not like normal debt. It is more like a graduate tax.

if he wants to get accommodation let him. It’ll be do able. Otherwise he can commute.

don’t even consider changing uni over this.

Seeline · 20/08/2025 11:05

Has he applied for student finance? If not he needs to do that ASSAP. It is based on household income, so if you are low earners he will get a higher loan.

Has he applied for accommodation at the uni? It is late in the day - will he definitely be given accommodation?

Has he got savings and/or a job that will help support him? Will he try and get a job whilst at uni?

He is correct that he would be better studying for a degree at a higher ranking uni, than a small local one if that is lower ranked.

He will be fine living away - thousands of students move away from home every year - they all help each other get through it!

ScaryM0nster · 20/08/2025 11:09

The decision doesn’t need to be the same for all three years. It’s not uncommon to move out for first year and then commute for the next two.

If he wants to move out, he needs to work out how to make the budget work. More student loan debt isn’t a big deal. Most people see it as a graduate tax rather than a loan. However, there still won’t necessarily be enough to cover accommodation without a top up from somewhere. Whether that’s working part time, you, savings, higher student loan or something else. If there isn’t the money to do it then it’s not an option.

If there’s a way to make it work, planning for trying accommodation first year and commuting rest could be a good balance.

redskydelight · 20/08/2025 11:12

Is there a particular reason why you are worried about him, other than general worries about your child moving away?

If not, I'd say ....
You need to tell him you can't help him financially (or to be clear what you can give him) and see what he says. Can/will his father help financially?
Look at what he would be eligible for if he applied for student finance living away from home. Is this enough?

Let him make the decision. That might mean, for example, deferring his place while he works for a year to save (and also to become more "street wise").

morellamalessdrama · 20/08/2025 11:47

Moving out and going to university is a really safe way for teenagers to experience living away from their parents in a setting where everyone else is also doing the same thing. I know it must be hard, but I think you really need to step back and allow him to grow up and make these decisions himself.

My daughter had a fantastic time at university and the experiences she had will be with her forever. Please don’t limit him and his future opportunities because of anxiety or you wanting him to be around. A really important part of being a parent is letting them grow up.

morellamalessdrama · 20/08/2025 11:48

Also, if you are on a low income, he will get more funding.

CuriousKangaroo · 20/08/2025 11:54

Always pick the better university. Employers do still care about that. While some blind recruit based on grades not uni, most don’t.

University is about more than getting the degree. It’s about learning to live and study independently, socialising widely, getting involved with new hobbies and interests - in short it should be about helping find out who you are and what you want. So unless completely unaffordable (and I do know that’s the case for some) I would always suggest living in student accommodation for at least the first year, but ideally all 3.

JG24 · 20/08/2025 12:29

Figure out with him how much staying away will cost.
Work out what loans he is entitled to.
Do a best and worse case scenario - best being he easily gets a part time job there
Then talk to him about student loans and how repayment works (use Martin Lewis' resources)
But if it's feasible financially encourage him to move out

Rallentanda · 20/08/2025 12:34

Hey. Stop it right now with all the 'why haven't you planned for this, why don't you want him to leave home' and assess your middle class privilege please.

OP does he have free travel (they do in Scotland, dk if you're there)? Is there another route or combination of routes you could trial together? Who do you know in the other city who could give you advice?

It will work out, there will be a solution.

Shewasafaireh · 20/08/2025 12:56

If you’re this anxious about him moving out and the commute was so stressful, all the more reason for him to go. It’s a chance to grow up. What went wrong in the commute exactly?

If you can’t fund it, he’ll have to do it, either via loans or scholarships. He’s obviously a bright student, he’ll be able to sort himself out.

Missing this opportunity for a lesser uni is insane, unless absolutely, 100% necessary.

Original poster

Carol52 · 20/08/2025 14:03

I can’t financially without going into your much detail single parent only went vback to work 18 months ago after looking after my father for over 15 years . No savings etc and a mortgage. father doesn’t really help and income living month to month. Not a great parent am I .😢there were these parents at the open day we will have to substitute the fees and I can’t . The nearest Russell group uni we did not need a maintenance loan as he could travel with ease. M sadly they offered him a different course. He wanted to travel to the new university but we had a bumpy experience. I fear applying for accommodation and then not being able to afford it.

OP posts:

shiningstar2 · 20/08/2025 14:08

If he has a place at a 'good' university he really wants to attend I would not be discouraging that for something else he isn't really interested in. That could come home to roost if he drops out later as "your fault". If he goes with what he wants that can't be said later. I think commuting rather than accommodation depends to some extend on the type of course and how many days he would need to commute. If 3 days it's doable ...not so great 5 days in the middle of winter but possible and people have travelled further. If he decides on accommodation can he get a part time job to help finance this or is that not possible?

titchy · 20/08/2025 14:10

Has he applied for a loan? It’s assessed on your income from the year it sounds like you had no income so he’ll get a full maintenance loan of £10k. You’re also not expected to come up with the fees.

PinkFlloyd · 20/08/2025 14:10

DD wouldn't even consider York because she wanted the full university experience. It's 45 minutes drive (she has a car). I supported her in this. I would be against her choosing a worse university to save money.
It sounds like you want your DC to live at home more than considering that being at University is more than just getting a degree.

titchy · 20/08/2025 14:13

It sounds like you’re setting him up to fail - because you don’t want him to leave home….

shiningstar2 · 20/08/2025 14:14

Also he could travel in for first year then save up with a part time job to have accommodation the following year. If this is successful he can continue with this into third year. If not he can live at home again for third year and at least he has given it a try. If you suggest to him saving up to do this next year, it puts off the financial worry for the moment as he might like this idea as it's not saying the whole three years are set in stone commuting. He goes to the uni he wants and might only be commuting for a year.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 20/08/2025 14:20

He needs to apply for accommodation and loans asap. He should go if it’s what he wants. OK, you can’t help out financially. He’s going to have to work out the short fall. A job will also be important. Any little you can give him would be great but many kids do it with no parental help.

But applying for accommodation today and loans. Find out what you are dealing with.

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