Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Ds going to university advice asap

85 replies

Carol52 · 20/08/2025 09:53

Hi my son has been offered a place at a Russell group university which is around a hour from door to door . He wanted to commute . We did a trail run snd it all went wrong. He now wants accommodation which will mean a lot more debt. he also had an offer from a smaller university a lot less prestigious but in the same city we live I. but he said why would I chance from a really respected university to a small one.
I don’t know what to advise him I cannot help financially and I think he would be best to travel as he is not very street wise etc. we needs to make a decision so any advice would be great.
Also I am getting upset already the thought of him leaving and feel really selfish .

OP posts:
YanTanTetheraPetheraBumfitt · 20/08/2025 14:21

He really needs to go to the better university.

You need to sit down with him and do the sums - work out how much loan would he have, how much is rent, how much left for food, etc. He could possibly get a p/t job but I do appreciate that's easier said than done these days. He can look now for campus jobs and see if anything is going.

Or he can ask to defer for a year and try and work and save some money?

Or he commutes and puts up with the journey, how many days a week would he need to be there?

YanTanTetheraPetheraBumfitt · 20/08/2025 14:22

Also you say about a nearer RG uni offering him a different course - have you looked on clearing to see if the other course is available?

ForCraftyWriter · 20/08/2025 14:25

You need to make it clear to him that if he boards out he will need to be self funding.
Help him work out the total cost of this compared with total cost of commuting.
Work out how much he would be short for both options if he applied for the loan. How would he plan to fund this.
As for those saying you should have had more forward planning, actually he should have if he wanted to board out.

ForCraftyWriter · 20/08/2025 14:26

Yes yes try clearing at the local RG for his preferred course
Also can you get hold of a sample timetable at the commuting uni? The commute may not be so bad. But he’ll have to give something up one way or the other.
Another option is defer his place, take a gap year, work and save up or attempt to improve one of his grades.

StrongandNorthern · 20/08/2025 14:29

Living out is a massive part of the university experience.

ForCraftyWriter · 20/08/2025 14:40

The “living out university experience” is only relevant if that’s what someone is going for.

Cynic17 · 20/08/2025 14:44

Student debt is easily manageable. He needs to go to the best university possible, for his future job prospects. He'll also have the added bonus of living away from home - it makes such a difference, and is something I'd encourage every young person to do.

BigCity · 20/08/2025 14:51

He’s an adult so needs to make the decision. It’s his debt not yours. The loan is calculated on your net earnings less pension contributions for 2023/4. so if you were not working much that year the loan will be higher. Obviously you will need to recalculate for next year when it will be 24/25 tax year used. Some unis also offer a bursary for those on high loans (check uni website). He should apply for finance and see what the assessment comes back with as it’s only at that point you commit to taking the loan. It sounds like shortfall for this year will be lower than you are expecting. Unis also have hardship funds.

Pogoda · 20/08/2025 15:34

Why the commute didn't work?
I commuted 1h each way since I was 14.
Not sure what is this 'university experience'. I've been to parties and I found it boring. In the dorm it was difficult to study due to all the music and drinking and revolving doors, multiple people coming and going.
If some people like that, it's OK, but it's not that it's necessary to go through all this in life. I wouldn't fund my adult child's lifestyle choice, if was possible for him to study and commute.

exasperatedflatmate · 20/08/2025 15:39

Just because he lives at home in the first year doesn’t mean he can’t live in a house share in his second year. He could save lots of money in his first year by living at home even with a commute.
BUT.. it’s vital he spends the first few weeks mixing and socialising well. Ime unless it’s London, house shares get decided quite quickly.

BetweenTwoFerns · 20/08/2025 15:39

If he’s not very streetwise he should move out, then he will become more independent.

Going to a not so good university because you aren’t streetwise is absolute madness.

RenovationNightmare · 20/08/2025 15:43

I (have worked in marketing in RG unis for several years) personally think that if you live an hour away and he's doing a UG degree then he should live in accommodation close to the uni for at least the first year (but it would ideally be close to the uni and not 30-40 minutes away as some halls are in London). It will be easier for him make a number of friends. In the second and third year it's not as important to live close to the uni because most UG students will move in to private accommodation.

Bramshott · 20/08/2025 15:46

What went wrong with the trial commute OP? Is it at least partly that you're both feeling a bit overwhelmed by this new stage?

Could you take a step back, and agree that he will try the commute again, with a view to commuting for a bit whilst putting his name down on the waiting list for the cheapest uni accommodation (which is likely to be booked up by now)? Then hopefully a place will come up sometime in the first term, at which point he can decide whether actually the commuting is okay, or that yes, he definitely wants to move into uni accommodation? Whatever you do, don't panic now and book some much more expensive private accommodation on the back of one bad commute.

Financial · 20/08/2025 15:47

‘We did the commute’
That’s where you went wrong and the reason he’s not streetwise.

He should move out, don’t worry about the debt.

Cat3059 · 20/08/2025 15:47

What went wrong on the trial run OP? Can it be fixed? Does he just need a few more trial runs? On DS's first day he got off the bus a stop early and didn't know how to get to where he needed to be! Asked someone and they suggested Google maps and he walked to where he needed to get. He was very stressed but the next day he did it fine.

dcadmamagain · 20/08/2025 15:50

What went wrong with the trial run to the uni?
is accom still available at uni?
are there travel inns etc nearby that he could occasionally stay over.
you have not failed as a mum - he’s just got into uni thanks to you looking after him for 18 years and the fact you’re stressing now shows you care xx

Whatwouldnanado · 20/08/2025 15:55

Roots and wings. Get him sorted at the better university so he can fulfil his potential. Best thing for both of you. A Saturday job to help with living costs. Rope in his dad to chip in.

randonneuse · 20/08/2025 15:58

Give the uni a call! Better if it's him, but I'm sure you wouldn't be the first mum to phone up with the same query and you wouldn't be the last. See what help they can offer. They will want him to do well.

Cat3059 · 20/08/2025 16:01

Cat3059 · 20/08/2025 15:47

What went wrong on the trial run OP? Can it be fixed? Does he just need a few more trial runs? On DS's first day he got off the bus a stop early and didn't know how to get to where he needed to be! Asked someone and they suggested Google maps and he walked to where he needed to get. He was very stressed but the next day he did it fine.

Oh and DS is autistic and very introverted too. Honestly if he can do it then your son can. We had a trial run too. Just break it into small steps and talk them through, have another couple of trial runs with him to boost his confidence and then write all the timings down and get him to have a practice on his own.

Don't write it off as not possible just because it went wrong once. That's a great lesson in resilience right there. Tell him he can do it and you believe in him 100%. If his own mum doesn't believe in him how will he ever have the self confidence or resilience to keep trying at anything?

herbalteabag · 20/08/2025 16:12

He should study at the best uni, and find accommodation there. Travelling an hour will be a hassle - he'll have lots of gaps in the day where he hasn't got anything to do and will be stuck waiting as he won't be able to go backwards and forwards.
Since it is only an hour away then if he has any issues he can easily come home for a visit.

BeyondMyWits · 20/08/2025 16:13

What number of contact hours does his course have? Over how many days?

Dd1 did English lit. 7 contact hours, 2 days. Commutable - 1.5 hr journey. Kept her job and travelled to and fro, slept on a mates sofa if she stayed to socialise.

DD2 did STEM. 20 contact hours, 15 lab hours. 5/6 days. Not commutable. No job during study years.

There is more to think about than travel.

ninjahamster · 20/08/2025 16:21

we are a low income household so my children got full loans. We did not give anything and they all managed.

HonoriaBulstrode · 20/08/2025 16:38

Not sure what is this 'university experience'. I've been to parties and I found it boring.

it's not about going to parties. It's about learning to live as an independent adult without having someone to remind you to get up in the morning, tidy your room, do your laundry - or even do it for you.

It's also about having the opportunity to meet and mix with and learning to get on with a whole range of different people.

An hour's commute will make it very difficult to join in evening events, whether it's going to the pub, going to a party, joining the tiddlywinks club or going to a music event. Or just chilling and chatting in someone's flat or room.

Haffdonga · 20/08/2025 16:39

He is right. YABU
It's not like school where every school more or less covers the same exam-based curriculum. Courses in subject X at different unis can be totally completely different, taught differently and cover widely different subject matter. He'd be foolish to give up a place on a course he wants to do at a place he wants to go for a worse option.
He'd also be missing out on a lot of the valuable uni experience of making friends and learning to live with other young people if he spends his first year commuting 2 hours a day. Why not suggest he spends his first year living in halls to get the full benefit of fresher experience (he can pay with student loans plus a job) then from second year he could live at home and commute if he needs or wants to?
Many RG unis have bursaries that aren't immediately publicised to support students from less privileged/wealthy backgrounds. It's worth him asking if his uni has anything.

Liliwen · 20/08/2025 16:41

Why isn’t he streetwise at 18?

its completely his choice OP. You need to let him make his own decision. He’s an adult