Children over 18 in the family home

[Resitinas]

I see lots of posts about what I'd consider to be unreasonable behaviour in a family home (eg a recent one about cooking at all hours of the day and night, even when someone else is using the kitchen to prepare a family meal) and the responses seem to almost unanimously take the side of the young adult, saying that you can't restrict when a grown up cooks or whatever else it is they want to do. But how do you manage these dynamics? My feeling is that if a young person wishes to remain in the family home post adulthood, benefitting from either low or no rent and bills, they should be prepared to conform to the infrastructures in place to support family life. I think these infrastructures will be different for every home. I also think that those infrastructures will be different depending upon whether the household is uniquely made up of adults or whether younger children are still part of the household. Whilst young people aged over 18 are legally adults, I don't think they can claim all the rights of adulthood whilst also neglecting to understand that adults have responsibilities in terms of how they conduct themselves. Also is there a difference between 18 and non-contributing in any way and, say, 23 and making a decent contribution to the family? I would say that there is a difference but that until an adult is able to live totally independently, they should expect to be subject to some ground rules. They certainly would be if they went to be a lodger elsewhere.

As said already, I think that the infrastructures will be different for every family in terms of what feels acceptable or unacceptable but does anyone here have any "hard lines" - as in, this isn't acceptable in our family home and if you want to pursue it, you must live elsewhere? What do you do if your young adult won't comply with house rules but also can't move out yet? I'm finding this to be very difficult territory.

I am on all these types of threads because I have been grappling with this.
I don't and will never take rent from my kids, unless circumstances change drastically.
But I also don't allow partners to stay overnight. Kids are expected to do their own cooking, laundry and cleaning. I do cook a family dinner most days.

I guess my hard line is no partners and doing your own chores.

My kids are younger so I don't have to grapple with this yet but I know I have it coming quite soon! I always want my children to feel welcome in our family home. I want them to know that whenever life is hard they always have that safe space to come back to and my support. However I also like a quiet life, my own space and a clean house!

I don't think I was a very good teenager in that way, but we weren't a happy family and I didn't have that respect for my parents. I genuinely believe that if I had then I would have behaved better. I hope I will have brought mine up with enough respect for me and our life that we won't have too much trouble but I'm probably dreaming. My smugness will come back to bite me I'm sure. I'm working very hard to create a different atmosphere in our house to what I grew up with. However I tend to think that turning 18 isn't just flicking a switch and turning a child into an adult. It's a longer process than that and for some it's more difficult that others.

I have had a mix of between none and 3 of my adult DC living with DH and I and we have some basic rules.
It's their home, to feel comfortable in, but not at the expense of others; they are quiet past a certain time, don't leave their dishes/shite everywhere (their own rooms, fine, but still not dishes, as I don't want ants etc.). If I happen to be putting on washing I'll include theirs, but don't believe that I'll always do it. I'll cook, but not every night and I may or may not include them in a meal, so they need to check in with me and think about it. They are not to behave like a 14 year old who is looked after still like a child as they are a full grown adult who can help/sort their own life, even in their parents' house.
In the same vein though, I don't speak to them like a child or treat them like a child and instead respect them as adults with their own opinions and who make their own decisions. To be honest, we've treated them with respect and as adults/almost adults since mid teens, as each were vastly sensible; no idea if one caused the other or not, but either way it worked for both.

Oh and partners are allowed to stay, as it's still my DCs' house. Same requirements for the partners though and if I thought they were taking the pee, I'd say and they'd be asked to not stay.

If they don't comply with house rules (not too many!) then they will have to move out. We were very clear on that. My 2 sons are 25 & 23 and are still living at home. We set the rules as soon as they reached 18.

To be fair, they have followed the rules, so no problems!

I have 3 x DS 22, 17 & 13 all still at home all still in education with the eldest 2 having part-time jobs.

DS 22 has a GF who stays over once/twice per week she also has an apprenticeship. None contribute financially to the house. Not sure how I will navigate this as they get full time jobs and better wages - I expect we’ll sit down and discuss like we do with all family decisions.

both myself and DH work full time, I cook a family meal each night that all are invited to, if they chose not to eat they can make themselves something either from what is in the cupboards or purchased themselves.

i don’t buy requests, I buy family food and anything else they want above they purchase themselves. The eldest often cooks with his GF but always waits until the family have finished eating and cleaned away.
if they eat with the family they help clean up afterwards - house rules. The eldest 2 mostly wash their own clothes I occasionally will add theirs in if I’m doing a whites wash for example.

they pay for their own vehicles and buy their own toiletries, so they’re semi self reliant on some ways.

We’ve always just treated them all with respect and they are not disrespectful to the family. We have 1/2 family holidays they are invited on each year accommodation is paid by us and travel and spending money for the eldest 2 is their own responsibility.

it’s difficult to throw them to the wolves really as I know none of them will be able to afford their own place for several years and we did make the choice to bring them into the world and I still want to be a little responsible for them it’s why I chose to be a mother.

I won’t be taking money from my dc if I can help it. My ds will be still in school at 18/19 so it’s no difference to me. Then they will go to university etc or whatever they need to do. They will always be welcome home until they are solidly on their feet.

I was very surprised most people were siding with the younger party on that food thread. My DD does the same and it’s very disruptive - the kitchen wall is shared with my bedroom, so I have to hear all the slamming, cooking, etc and then wake up to a kitchen left in a mess. It also becomes very costly because there’s multiple different meals being cooked instead of everyone eating the same meal and I’m a single parent.

I tried my hardest not to but I have recently started taking board. I honestly tried my best but DD 21 shows no signs of wanting to move out, while acting like the house is only hers. You can’t have it both ways. The board I take is negligible, considering her only responsibilities are doing the dishes (rarely happens) and her own laundry (it happens but then gets left everywhere for days).

I have a 19 year old DS who is at uni but home for the holidays. He's working part time over the summer to save money for uni. I also have two younger teens at home.

Anyway, I allow his (lovely) girlfriend to stay, that's not an issue for me at all. I cook a family meal most nights but he's expected to cook for us all once a week or so (and sort out his other meals). I do his laundry with the rest of the family if it's in the basket but I don't put it away. I don't tidy his room (or even go into it!).

In summary, I believe in the concept of house rules, but I don't actually have many in reality. Maybe it's a bit different because he is living independently for much of the year?

We always told our adult DC they will have a home with us whenever they need it.
That said, when they were in their teens to early 20s living partly at home and partly at uni we discussed how it would work as adults all sharing a home.
We should treat the house and each other with reasonable care and respect.
So -- late night use of the kitchen fine but it had to be left tidy. Ditto baths and bathing. If they don't like what i was cooking (very rare, they ate anything) they made their own food and learned to cook. Everyone knew how to use kitchen appliances, washing machine, dishwasher and vacuum cleaner.
Their room was theirs to deal with as they saw fit but used crockery and cutlery had to be returned to the kitchen and put in the dishwasher, for hygiene and convenience. (Eg so that all the mugs/spoons in the house do not end up stagnating in their room.)
Guests were welcome but we'd appreciate a heads up of some kind, even a call or text shortly before arrival. If they decided to stay out they just let us know.
Worked for us but DC was a reasonable and easy kid. As an adult living alone he has had a few problems, however! Work, relationships, etc - but he's doing ok.

I lived at home until I was 24. My brothers were similar ages.

Once we were in full time work (me after uni at 21, brothers at 18), we paid 1/4 of our take home wages to my parents for housekeeping. This covered things like WiFi, our meals, laundry etc. Mum cooked a family meal every evening and we uaually all sat down to - if we didn't want what she had cooked or wanted something,we had to sort ourselves out and pay for any special food. We had to do usual household chores such as wash up, vacuum, cleam bathroom etc, just be a part of the household keeping ir in order. Mum would do laundry and put it outside our rooms but didn't iron it - she just put a family wash on every morning.

Our boyfriends and girlfriends were allowed to stay over but if they stayed more than two nights a week they were expected to make some sort of contribution, such as buying a takeaway or giving my parents some money, and they were also expected to help out with chores. My boyfriend all but moved in for the last two years,and he gave my mum 1/4 of his wages and cooked a few nights a week, as did my brothers gf.

It worked really well, we all got on and even now as adults, we all are still really close, camping out at my parents house in the summer with all of our kids (we all live a fiar distance from each other), spending Xmas together, go on holiday together, group whatsapp call once a week. Our boyfriends and girlfriends are now our husbands and wives, and we are all really good friends with one another.

I intend to be the same with my children. They'll always have a home here. They'll have to pay a contribution once in full time work because I won't be able to support them. They're partners will always be welcome, although them staying over may be an issue simply because I've got four children and a three bed house. If they want to take it turns in sleeping g downstairs on the blow up bed or sofa,as long as they're respectful, they're more than welcome to.

My feeling is that my kids will always have a home with me, but their partners will not!

You can't restrict when a grown up cooks or whatever else it is they want to do? Not how it works in this house. We have politely, but firmly, explained to our dc that they may not cook fragrant foods in the middle of the night, even if they cleaned up after themselves, as it is very disruptive to our sleep. The delicious smells were waking us up, ravenous, at 2am!

We've also asked them not to shower after we have gone to bed in the evening, as the shower pump is near our room and disturbs our sleep. So, if we are thinking of heading up in the next half hour or so, we'll warn our evening-showerers.

It's their home for as long as they want, whenever they want. But it's also our home, that we are responsible for, and to live together we need to treat each other and each other's property with mutual respect.

Seems to work.

Full freedom comes when you have your own home. Until then it has to be incremental because they are living with other people.

my hard line is no overnight guests. I don’t want to deal with random people staying over. We can talk about occasional overnights for practicality if they get into a serious long term relationship.

We've had DD staying at home this last year following a year in uni halls. It's been challenging (more so for DH who struggles with treating her as an adult) but we've managed to negotiate it without any major problems. I cook a family meal most night and she knows to let us know if she's not going to be there. She also lets me know if she's not going to be home (even if that's sometimes by text at 2am - I'd rather have that than wake up and her not be there). She cooks a meal around once a week for the family and her main 'chore' is emptying the dishwasher, keeping her room clean and tidy and putting away her washing.

I don't understand people that say they make their adult kids do their own laundry - if I'm putting on a lights wash I'll do her lights etc otherwise it's just a waste of energy. As she's a student I don't take rent or money for food from her but would if she was in full-time employment (if only to give it back to her at a later stage).

She hasn't had a partner this year but did in her last year of high school and we let him stay over - again I don't see this as a problem in an established relationship - wouldn't want randoms staying.

I don't understand why people treat their adult dc like little kids and then moan about it.

Chores, bills etc should be divided between the household.

Pretty much me. Same results. Love the comment about bringing them into the world.

I have set up a WhatsApp chat for House stuff and called a house meeting at the weekend.

Rules include: no financial contribution required while they’re in training or education of any sort or job searching. DP and I are not cooking routinely for ds but may offer him the option if it suits us (eg adding enough rice for him). He can put food requests on the Alexa shopping list and we will pick these up for him without asking him to pay. His girlfriend is always welcome, he doesn’t have to ask. I’m guessing it probably helps here that we have 1 extremely self contained 21 year old.

After graduating from university, I lived at home with my parents and younger siblings until I moved out again for a job in London. My parents never charged me for anything, and the arrangements remained the same as when I was a teenager—helping out and contributing to life at home whenever needed.
My three younger siblings still live at home with our parents. They commuted to a local university by train, traveling between the university city and home without any issues. Now they have well-paying remote jobs, don’t pay rent, but handle their personal expenses and help out with household chores when needed.

@OneNewLeader lots of people have children who are then expected to become independent adults - you're always their parent and always want the best for them but that doesn't mean that you remain responsible for their adult life and infinitum surely?!

Thank you to everyone for these responses which have really helped me begin to clarify my thoughts.

Could I ask, what do you do if the house rules you set are ignored, you are lied to repeatedly and trust is eroded? This is the position I am in and I feel on such unchartered waters. I feel I need to be hard line about things but feel like I'm treading on eggshells trying to work out the right way forward for everyone in the household, without permanently damaging the relationship with my YA (although tbh it feels like it may well already be at that point anyway) and with my DH. I understand that it's difficult to give advice when the specifics are not provided but I can't give those without it potentially being outing.

Honestly how will it be outing? There must be a million YAs doing whatever yours is doing.

Every household is different, we didn’t charge rent and they were free to come and go, have boyfriends over (in long term relationships) but I did cook the main evening meal which we ate together at the table unless they were out (and had to tell me), breakfast and lunch they supplied their own food and made themselves unless specifically arranged otherwise.

Bloody hell, I didn’t realise I was so laid back. I don’t charge rent, partners can stay, as long as I’ve met them, they can cook what they want when they want, but none of them like to cook much anyway.
They’re quite independent, but for some reason really like me to put their duvet covers back on their beds after they've washed them. I think it makes them feel loved or something.
I’m not keen on partners hanging around the house when DC are out, but sometimes it’s unavoidable.

And don’t even think about having an argument with your GF/BF or they will be ejected pretty swiftly. My DC can stay, but they’ll have a telling off from me.

I suppose if you’re always butting heads over rules, try reducing the rules. But if they’re being rude, making lots of work for you and disrupting your lives, a heart to heart is called for.