Children over 18 in the family home

[Resitinas]

I see lots of posts about what I'd consider to be unreasonable behaviour in a family home (eg a recent one about cooking at all hours of the day and night, even when someone else is using the kitchen to prepare a family meal) and the responses seem to almost unanimously take the side of the young adult, saying that you can't restrict when a grown up cooks or whatever else it is they want to do. But how do you manage these dynamics? My feeling is that if a young person wishes to remain in the family home post adulthood, benefitting from either low or no rent and bills, they should be prepared to conform to the infrastructures in place to support family life. I think these infrastructures will be different for every home. I also think that those infrastructures will be different depending upon whether the household is uniquely made up of adults or whether younger children are still part of the household. Whilst young people aged over 18 are legally adults, I don't think they can claim all the rights of adulthood whilst also neglecting to understand that adults have responsibilities in terms of how they conduct themselves. Also is there a difference between 18 and non-contributing in any way and, say, 23 and making a decent contribution to the family? I would say that there is a difference but that until an adult is able to live totally independently, they should expect to be subject to some ground rules. They certainly would be if they went to be a lodger elsewhere.

As said already, I think that the infrastructures will be different for every family in terms of what feels acceptable or unacceptable but does anyone here have any "hard lines" - as in, this isn't acceptable in our family home and if you want to pursue it, you must live elsewhere? What do you do if your young adult won't comply with house rules but also can't move out yet? I'm finding this to be very difficult territory.

lots of people have children who are then expected to become independent adults - you're always their parent and always want the best for them but that doesn't mean that you remain responsible for their adult life and infinitum surely?!

@Resitinas I was thinking the same thing. It would be abit odd if I (nearly 51) expected my Dad (87) to still be responsible for me! 🤣

All of us (me and 2 siblings) left from 18 and it was the norm in the 90s. Uni halls, shared rentals with strangers (some became friends), shared rental with partner, then home ownership. It's weird to me that so many stay on living with their parents and it is a failure to launch. I notice a lot are missing the shared houses with strangers bit that is essential to not being a complete feral beast and gives a true understanding of how much things cost.
My hard rule would be no partners staying over as if they're still at home in their 20s they're cosplaying adulthood and are not ready for consequences. It's also an incentive to move out and be independent.

@LynetteScavo Same here with DD (20). DD claims that she “needs” me to make up her bed. 😂

We have almost no house rules. My only expectation is letting me know if they’re bringing friends home after the pub! I love a busy house and my bedroom is well away from the lounge area so I never hear them when they’re up late etc

Both dc have long term partners who stay multiple times a week and I’m happy to cook for everyone but don’t do it every night. They’ll include me & dh when having a takeaway and also cook for themselves.

I expect the kitchen to be kept tidy, dishwasher emptied if found full and bathroom and other shared spaces to be kept clean & clear of clutter. These are not set in stone, they are both kind & respectful so there’s no need for boundaries or rules really.

I do all the washing but not their partners but they’ll help bring it in, fold it etc I work part time so generally do more than everyone else!

I'll be sad when they eventually leave, I love having them around and their partners have become my extra bonus children. We socialise together and have holidays too!

I'm honestly not sure that is true and I can't give more details. I've already done a Mumsnet search trying to find posts with similarities to our situation and can't find any.

I guess you don't mean stuff like not doing laundry or leaving dirty coffee mugs everywhere, then. But something serious.
In that case, I would ask them to move out, if they kept ignoring rules. House share?

My two bounced back and forth between 18 and 24.
Each came home to live after uni, one to train and the other to look for jobs.
We are lucky to have plenty of room and we made over a spare room as a sitting room / study for them so they (and we) got privacy and space.
I never took any money because a) we didn't need it and b) they were both very good at managing money and had lived away at uni for 3 years.
Very few rules but perhaps we were lucky as both were considerate and no trouble. Messy , yes, but I loved having them. They would do a chore if asked but no specific roles. Partners allowed to stay over from age 18 if in a long term relationship (6 months?). They were annoying at times but overall I just loved having them around. Both now have their own homes.

It's not a failure to launch, it's the crippling cost of renting and the lack of availability, none of which was a problem when I left home after uni. They are for the most part at home so they can save for house deposits. I agree they are missing out but times have changed.

Mine are 19 and 21, one just left uni and at home jobhunting, the other going in Sept. Both working pt. The setup has gradually evolved from about the start of secondary school age when after school activities started cutting into evenings and made eating together difficult. We all have evening activities most nights now so largely cater for ourselves, yes there's more cost involved but we are frugal in other ways (small house, old cars etc). The DCs do some of their own shopping but I still buy basics that they use eg cheese, pasta, bread etc. We do often sit together and chat while cooking and eating even if one person is going to the gym and eating later. We also all go out together to the pub or similar fairly often. I don't mind late night cooking so long as they use the extractor fan and clear up. We tend to do washing collectively as it's more efficient but everyone mucks in, the same with other chores. We ask them to let us know if they are staying out. Partners - neither has had one yet, I'd have no problems in theory but we only have one bathroom and it could get tricky on weekday mornings so it would probably be weekends only. I am enjoying this stage but they have always been pretty easy-going and I have always been fairly relaxed about rules, the main thing has always been to be considerate of others and they are.

Its not a failure to launch. Its the cost of living.

I finished university at 22. I had to work as a supply teacher for two years before I found a permanent job and my partner was on minimum wage...landlords wouldn't touch for us a house with low and unstable earnings...and this was 15 years ago. My brothers certainly couldn't on minimum wages. Hence why we were all at home until 25.

Sure, we could have rented rooms - if we'd wanted to share a grotty HMO with criminals and drug addicts. I dont want to see my children shacked up in some grotty houseshare - I'd rather them stay at home and be comfortable and safe until they're in a position to buy or rent somewhere decent. Living at home doesnt stop you growing up or being independent.i wasn't a feral beast, neither were my brothers.

I am happy to have my kids in a grotty houseshare but even those are too expensive in London!

Cost of living is a thing, but there are affordable shared houses in shit areas in every town and city in the country. I think the expectation has changed where adult/kids expect to move from their parents to their own place and not experience a moment of discomfort or deprivation. Squalor early on is part of the journey.

Not if they want to have any hope of saving a decent deposit. I only needed a couple of thousand for my first deposit which was possible while renting. I spent several years in shared houses and honestly don't think there was any noticeable difference in my growing up process to that of my friends who stayed at home till buying their first homes but they were able to afford much bigger houses at the same age.

My eldest moved out after graduation, into a shared house that’s a lot nicer than the previous student house but similar setup. Whilst she was a student we had to have words in the holidays about it not being like being in her student house and she couldn’t have loud conversations at 3am, she understood (and is no longer nocturnal now she works full time). She’s always been independent and very clean!
Ds lives at home (he’s 19) he’s pretty self sufficient. I cook if I am home but he sorts his own if I am out. I am definitely in charge of housework but he does his share (like he wouldn’t think to vacuum but if I tell him to run the hoover round then he does). He washes his own work stuff but the rest gets done together, I might ask him to bring down stuff or I might say can you put a dark wash in or I might just grab stuff from his laundry basket (again he wouldn’t really think whether washing needs doing other than his work clothes need doing at the weekend).
It wasn’t a sudden change as he turned 18 though, they were both expected to help out from around early teens. After all that’s what we want to happen as parents, our children to become fully functioning independent adults.

Hi OP, if I'm reading between the lines, it may be that it's the perceived respect felt from DC to you, or lack thereof, that is the issue for you. In that case, I would be sitting them down and explaining how an adult house works in general terms. For example, you may still be their parent, but because they are an adult, it's not your place to tell them how to live their lives, unless their life as an adult then adversely affects your life, and notably, in your own home. It's a two way street...you give them the respect you would of an adult friend living in your home, but also expect the respect of an adult friend living in your home, e.g. not expecting all other adults to look after the house, or pay bills or do washing, or clear/clean up. My DC help with cleaning the house, but I do ask them to do that (they don't just do it!), but they absolutely do join in when asked, because they are living there too and hence they should.

You need to get the relationship on far more of an adults living together and try and move away from the kids living with mum and dad, which although strictly true, is no longer the overriding relationship in the house.

If they are taking the pee with behaviour etc, you need to decide if living together long term is going to work, and if not, it's time for them to move. You may need to help financially, if only to help them to save for a deposit for a house etc, or cope whilst in low paying entry level jobs, but that's the alternative. If you can't afford to, you need to make sure that they're aware of that and of the reasons behind it. Again - adult conversations, big girl pants time for them.

Yeah. No smoking. Zero tolerance. DS 18yo thinks he can do that whilst living under our roof. I said no, not happening. Do that when you buy your own place. He argued he can do it outside but I said no as it stinks out clothing and bedlinen, sticks to everything etc. There was a massive bust up. His grandparents strangely enough have the same rules at their home where he ended up staying for a few nights due to the fall out about cigarettes.

I grew up in a home where my own DM inflicted cigarettes on me and I won't have a trace of it in my own home as an adult.

I also have three younger DC so I don't want a bad example set to them.

Oh, I don't allow smoking or vaping or drugs or drinking in excess either.

My dd is 20, currently at home for 4 months over uni holidays. It wouldn't occur to us to charge rent.

We don't have house rules as such, never have done. Just a basic expectation that everyone in the household treats everyone else with respect and consideration. It works for us.

He was smoking whilst on holiday and thought he could continue when he got back...not a chance!

Otherwise, he is expected to dog walk, help with errands, gardening, carry shopping bags etc. Keep his bedroom clean and tidy. Search for part time work.

I'm single and I actually like having my adult kids at home. The house feels empty and lonely when they're not here. I don't set any rules really, their behaviour hasn't been a problem. I will wash their clothes if I'm putting a load on, they also do some laundry sometimes.

They will cook for themselves, but I am cooking for myself and the youngest, so sometimes they will eat with us. Sometimes they cook for me.

I'm not hugely troubled by noise and I don't mind a bit of extra cleaning sometimes. I do ask them to vacuum. I don't mind if they have partners stay over.

They fund some of their own food and fund their own vehicles. Currently they are either students or unemployed so I don't take money off them. I doubt I will in future unless I need to financially, although I might ask that they fund particular things for the household, such as Netflix or similar.

I am actually considering a move to a house with additional bathrooms, as currently we only have one and that's the main problem. I would like an ensuite.

No one else had issues with 18yo in their homes wanting to smoke or vape???

Thought that might have been a popular spat in the family home.

No. I wouldn't allow smoking in the house, but none of my kids smoke or vape so it's not an issue.

Oh DD briefly took up vaping. I read her the riot act. And then she realised she couldn't afford it on her part time wage once Tube fares went up. London is very expensive!

Thanks foryour views on this. Yes, DS can't afford to smoke or vape either long term. He knows it's part of the rules and I said the same will be said to his younger siblings too when the time comes so he feels he isn't picked on.

Caused a huge rift when he stank like a chimney lum after his holiday!

Just thought of another one...DS has to be quiet from 10.30pm onwards for those who are up early next day for work. Weekdays. We are more relaxed at weekends.

That took him a while to understand why. He thought because he isn't working that he could do as he liked and stay up any time? Eh no!

Yes just shows - I’ve never had to ban smoking or excessive drinking because ds doesn’t do either and neither do any of his friends. I offer him a glass of wine from time to time and he will meet friends for a beer occasionally but drinking isn’t a big part of his life. Confirms to me that it’s easy for us because ds is the person he is. About the worst thing he does is close the bathroom door really loudly.