Children over 18 in the family home

[Resitinas]

I see lots of posts about what I'd consider to be unreasonable behaviour in a family home (eg a recent one about cooking at all hours of the day and night, even when someone else is using the kitchen to prepare a family meal) and the responses seem to almost unanimously take the side of the young adult, saying that you can't restrict when a grown up cooks or whatever else it is they want to do. But how do you manage these dynamics? My feeling is that if a young person wishes to remain in the family home post adulthood, benefitting from either low or no rent and bills, they should be prepared to conform to the infrastructures in place to support family life. I think these infrastructures will be different for every home. I also think that those infrastructures will be different depending upon whether the household is uniquely made up of adults or whether younger children are still part of the household. Whilst young people aged over 18 are legally adults, I don't think they can claim all the rights of adulthood whilst also neglecting to understand that adults have responsibilities in terms of how they conduct themselves. Also is there a difference between 18 and non-contributing in any way and, say, 23 and making a decent contribution to the family? I would say that there is a difference but that until an adult is able to live totally independently, they should expect to be subject to some ground rules. They certainly would be if they went to be a lodger elsewhere.

As said already, I think that the infrastructures will be different for every family in terms of what feels acceptable or unacceptable but does anyone here have any "hard lines" - as in, this isn't acceptable in our family home and if you want to pursue it, you must live elsewhere? What do you do if your young adult won't comply with house rules but also can't move out yet? I'm finding this to be very difficult territory.

Mine drink (in moderation) but don't vape or smoke. At home the most they are likely to have is the odd bottle of cider so not a problem.

We're absolutely fine with DS having a few beers at home. Just not smoking!

So, under what circumstances would people start to put requirements in place for their young adults at home?

Eg, thinking of posts I've seen - using the kitchen at reasonable times, appropriate internet use, both in terms of amount of time / content accessed, getting a full time job if not in education, contributing to household chores...

To me, I don't think you said the word 'infrastructures' enough times for my liking.

What would you do if you had an adult lodger come to live in your house? You'd charge rent and you'd have certain house rules about visitors, cooking, laundry etc. So do that for your adult children - if they have a job, why should you treat them any differently to a lodger? If they want to live in someone else's house (ie yours) then they either follow the rules or move out.
Coincidentally, you could choose to save some or all of the rent they pay you and give it to them as a gift when they do move out. That's an option, but at least they have been treated as an adult in the interim.
And of course there's nothing wrong with them living in squalor elsewhere - we've all done it, and it's much healthier than continuing to be stuck with mummy and daddy.

My daughter and son in law, who are in their early 30s. lived with us for much of last year. My daughter was getting up at 4.30 for a very long commute two days a week, and we asked her to try very hard not to wake us up, and we also expected them to not bang doors when they got up in the night to use the loo . Other than that, it was their home while they were here are we didn’t have any other rules or requirements apart from expecting my new hob to be cleaned every time it was used. They regularly cooked late at night, which wasn’t a problem, and they did their own washing and ironing. They are Muslims and so eat a halal diet, and they are also very strict about only eating organic food, so they bought all their own food while they were here. But other than that, we didn’t consider charging them any rent etc as it didn’t make much of a difference to our costs with them living here, and they are our only family.

We had a talk with dd when she was 12 about what it meant to be a good roommate. Things like kitchen hours, cleaning up after yourself, thinking about what time you are taking a shower. She was free from that age to make decisions about what she needed and occasionally to even annoy her roommates, aka us her parents, but she had to think about the fact that she lives with other people.

It should just always be that way. Always having the ability to say, you know what, circumstances are such that I need a shower at 3am and people are going to have to deal with that, but since I never do that, they will know there was a good reason.

in turn, we have treated her with the same respect.

we have never put a rule on her that we weren’t willing to follow ourselves.

that still doesn’t mean we aren’t uptight parents. We absolutely are by most people’s standards. We just are also egalitarian in our uptightness.

as for a full time job once out of education. I would expect that to be lined up to start immediately after schooling ends. We coached our child on how to line up summer employment in advance. The job she does now had to be applied for 2 years in advance, but she does it every summer and can continue all through university. The full-time employment search starts before school ends.

Gosh, you're helpful!

Yes but there's a vast difference between asking for good manners, respect and general consideration towards other residents... things such as being quiet and not waking anyone if you come in late, not leaving mess, contributing to keeping the place clean and tidy, contributing to food bills..
And policing what times an adult can eat or wash.. how long they can spend in the shower... what times they come in and out.
In my book that second list isn't really OK with someone over 18. Even if they are living in your home.
If you had an adult lodger you wouldn't police things like that.. or if you did the lodger would leave because it's bonkers.
But obviously it's completely legitimate to have conversations about not waking people up or leaving mess etc

So long as they clean up after themselves they can cook when they are hungry. They don’t eat junk food so never get takeaways. This means they do want to cook food when they get in after a night out. I trained myself how to fall asleep (after being woken) years ago when I worked night shifts and I had to sleep in the day.

Partners always welcome from 18 years and older however, they’ve only had serious relationships no randoms allowed (ttbomk).

They do have their own bathroom so we never have to deal with this.

They also have to cook for everyone at least once a week. We try to share this out evenly. They’ll also go to the shops for food top ups. Still at Uni so we reimburse them for this.

I’d always said that at 18 they’d need to be moving into their own accommodation and so far 3/4 have and the last is 16 nearly 17 and gagging to move out. I’m afraid I’m done with the day to day parenting. I did everything I could to make sure they were fully competent and they are. I’m a listening ear, give advice as required or not, paid deposits, been a guarantor, facilitated rent but they need to start their adult lives.
I don’t suppose this is a particularly MN aligned post. Equally I’m not in the UK.
I’m finally doing what in need to for my life and career at in my 50s it’s beyond time.

@Zanadoo45 When you say that partners are always welcome, do you mean that you don’t mind them staying over now and then, or that they’re welcome to stay for a couple of weeks (or more)?

I’m not sure that I’d particularly want to be paying the bills for another young adult for any length of time!

Tbh, if my DD (20) stayed at a partner’s family home for a week, I’d probably transfer some housekeeping money. We’ve always contributed when she was invited on holiday with friends’ families.

I’ve got a 24yo still at home. She has to pay me some rent as she won’t give up her larger room for a younger sibling and some towards bills as she does her washing here but otherwise she stays at her boyfriends more often than she stays here and doesn’t cost me anything in food except maybe once a week and usually there is enough for her anyway. She is tidy though and helps clean the house as she finds mess harder to deal with than I do. She also walks the dog a few times a week.

I also have a 19yo. She also stays at her boyfriends quite a bit (we have a small house compared to their boyfriends) but I don’t charge her anything as she has been in college up until now so I’ve been getting UC to help support her. We will have to negotiate new dynamics now the UC has ended though as I’ll be adapting to managing on less money. I work full time but it isn’t enough to run the house and support other adults.

@Bryonyberries Just being nosey-do their bfs have their own places or are they staying with their families?

If it’s their bfs’ family homes, do you know whether your DD’s contribute financially as they stay regularly?

My children haven’t had partners stay regularly yet, but I’m wondering what I’d do if DD had her bf stay three nights every week, for example. Would parents be expected to pay for everything? Not sure that I’d particularly want to! 😂

Allowing them to do whatever they want to because they're 18+ doesn't do them any good as far as cooperation and consideration are concerned. We're fine with them coming in late/early but they're told to do it quietly. Though there seems to be a difference of opinion in our house as to what's quiet 🤔 My kids have always just eaten what I make and if they don't have it when we're eating they'll eat it later. But most of the time they'll eat when we do.