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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Live in partner and my adult children

58 replies

ForNoisyCat · 02/07/2025 08:11

Hi, My partner moved in to my home early this year. My DS and DD ages 23 and 18 live with me. Daughter high functioning autistic and likely gas other MH conditions. Father was physically mentally and verbally abusive. New partner calm and easy to chat with but he can’t always hide what I think is a bubbling resentment - e.g. if I collect my daughter from friends, lending my son my car for months because he needed it for work and I don’t.

well yesterday my DD and partner had a slanging match over a piece of DD chocolate that resulted in partner accusing DD a liar- which she isn’t to my knowledge - she called him a ‘little shit’ and instead of this grown man trying to defuse the situation he called my DD a ‘little shit too’. I was horrified at his childish and aggressive responses to her. He wouldn’t let go even when I asked them both to back down. My daughter had 14 years of being in an sbusive house hold and it’s taken the last four years of peace and calm for her to be able to become the lovely person that she is , other than occasion mild outbursts. Yes her language is foul at times but through patience and perseverance she and I have built a really nice relationship.

parner has gone to work this morning, im at home today. Don’t know how to address this later. Really appreciate honest views.

OP posts:
Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 02/07/2025 08:15

I'd tell him to move out.

Althea4 · 02/07/2025 08:16

Boot him out, he's only going to get more comfortable and bold in his poor treatment of your DD.

OneNewLeader · 02/07/2025 08:17

First post nails it.

Showerflowers · 02/07/2025 09:16

He resents your kids. That doesn’t go away it just festers.

your poor dd. Only four years out of an abusive parental relationship and now she’s in this situation. It was probably not the best idea to move someone in just as she was settled emotionally.

how long have you been together?, can he move back out for now?

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 02/07/2025 09:22

If he doesn't benefit you and your kids lives, remove him from your property.
He doesn't get to be housed by his girlfriend and fight your kids.

Tiswa · 02/07/2025 09:22

He has to move out

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 02/07/2025 09:29

Just to add, I had a terrible childhood and was traumatised, then having an unrelated male moved into my home was excruciating. I felt so self conscious, vulnerable and uncomfortable.

Not saying its the same for your daughter, but she's extremely vulnerable and this bloke has zero right to behave like that to her in her own home.

AmandaHoldensLips · 02/07/2025 09:43

I'd packing up his stuff while he's at work and sending him a message to say he'll be needing somewhere else to stay.

Your children come first, always.

Boilingtoday · 02/07/2025 09:45

Why doesn’t he like you giving her a lift?

Does he have children of his own?

FlyingUnicornWings · 02/07/2025 09:50

I’m with everyone else, he needs to go. His bubbling resentment for your kids plus those outbursts isn’t what your family needs.

IberianBlackout · 02/07/2025 12:58

Can’t lie, I disagree with everyone else - I don’t think him snapping back (very mildly) in a fight warrants packing up and splitting, unless you think it’s a culmination of tiny little bits of lashing out and that he’s losing control of it lately.

DD and my bf (who only stays every other weekend) had a mild fall out over… a glass. It was silly and petty of her and he resented her being silly and petty. Families bicker.

Address his resentment with him but also address your DD about her language.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 02/07/2025 13:00

"bubbling resentment" over you being a parent to your kids? WTF is his problem?

I wouldn't necessarily have an issue with the last bicker, but this hints at more.

CommissarySushi · 02/07/2025 13:02

Get him out immediately.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 02/07/2025 13:03

@IberianBlackout this man is not a family member to bicker with OPs vulnerable teenager.
OP said her boyfriend resents her kids for a variety of reasons, he had a slanging match with a teenage girl and was aggressive.

There's no justification for keeping him in the girls home.

BodenCardiganNot · 02/07/2025 13:04

My daughter had 14 years of being in an sbusive house hold and it’s taken the last four years of peace and calm for her to be able to become the lovely person that she is

And now that's wrecked. Just tell him to go.

ThejoyofNC · 02/07/2025 13:12

To be honest it sounds like you let your "kids" walk all over you. Why do you automatically believe that she would never lie?

middleagedandinarage · 02/07/2025 13:13

Sorry OP but this will only get worse, how awful for you but I would be telling him to move out. Your DC have to come first

Profpudding · 02/07/2025 13:14

He needs to leave how very dare he

Profpudding · 02/07/2025 13:15

IberianBlackout · 02/07/2025 12:58

Can’t lie, I disagree with everyone else - I don’t think him snapping back (very mildly) in a fight warrants packing up and splitting, unless you think it’s a culmination of tiny little bits of lashing out and that he’s losing control of it lately.

DD and my bf (who only stays every other weekend) had a mild fall out over… a glass. It was silly and petty of her and he resented her being silly and petty. Families bicker.

Address his resentment with him but also address your DD about her language.

Families may well bicker, Your boyfriend is not family

InterestedBeing · 02/07/2025 13:17

If an 18 yo accused me of taking a piece of chocolate if I hadnt and called me a little shit over it I'd be gone the next day.

I wouldn't live with adults like that. Equally I wouldn't have risen to her behaviour either.

whitewineandsun · 02/07/2025 13:26

If I were him, I'd leave on my own accord.

Away2000 · 02/07/2025 13:34

What was the situation with the chocolate that led to this argument? And why did he call her a liar?

MummaMummaMumma · 02/07/2025 13:37

"bubbling resentment" would on it's own have me telling him to move out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/07/2025 13:44

She has had 14 years of abuse and has had to fix her broken boundaries at some cost, while ND and with additional MH issues to contend with. Very hard and probably a work in progress. Very much explains her reaction.

What’s his excuse?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/07/2025 13:45

Weird repeat post.