Live in partner and my adult children

[ForNoisyCat]

Hi, My partner moved in to my home early this year. My DS and DD ages 23 and 18 live with me. Daughter high functioning autistic and likely gas other MH conditions. Father was physically mentally and verbally abusive. New partner calm and easy to chat with but he can’t always hide what I think is a bubbling resentment - e.g. if I collect my daughter from friends, lending my son my car for months because he needed it for work and I don’t.

well yesterday my DD and partner had a slanging match over a piece of DD chocolate that resulted in partner accusing DD a liar- which she isn’t to my knowledge - she called him a ‘little shit’ and instead of this grown man trying to defuse the situation he called my DD a ‘little shit too’. I was horrified at his childish and aggressive responses to her. He wouldn’t let go even when I asked them both to back down. My daughter had 14 years of being in an sbusive house hold and it’s taken the last four years of peace and calm for her to be able to become the lovely person that she is , other than occasion mild outbursts. Yes her language is foul at times but through patience and perseverance she and I have built a really nice relationship.

parner has gone to work this morning, im at home today. Don’t know how to address this later. Really appreciate honest views.

If your children were subject to abuse for 14 plus years then they need a safe environment. By all means remain with your partner if it's a one off, but your kids need you now, not a step back in time

You tell him to leave. This has been building for a while, he resents your kids and resents you prioritising them. He is not a good man. If you accept this you are accepting his treatment of your dd you are setting an example that it’s ok to behave that way.

Leaving together doesn’t work.

I'm upset for your children that you allowed them to live with physical, verbal and emotional abuse for 14yrs. Why did that relationship end?

You owe it to your children to have a calm and emotionally stable home, your partner doesn’t seem to understand that so it's best all round that he moves out.

Why, after everything your kids have been put through, did you have to move a man in to their safe space? At the ages they are you could have easily waited a few years and saved them further disruption. Put your children first.

Why is it any of his business if you give your daughter a lift or lend your son your car? For those things alone, I’d have kicked him out. This last incident would be the last thing he said to my children.

I think it was ambitious to move any new partner in with adult DC and expect things to run smoothly.

I don't think anyone should have to put up with being called a "little shit" in their home and suspect you minimise DD's behaviour.

But, it's not working so he needs to go.

Thank you all for your responses - ( can’t find reply area).

Im v concerned this will get worse over time. We’ve been long distance ‘dating’ since 2021, but worked together nearly 30 years ago so he wasn’t a complete unknown and my kids like him. I don’t automatically assume DD won’t lie, and she definitely used to. However I’ve allowed DC the safe space to be open and honest without fear of reprisals and she doesn’t feel the need to hide things from me.

bizarrely DCs’ attitudes today are’lets put it behind us’ and I’ve told them I disagree. Guess not-so-dear partner will be heading home (UK but far from here) before long. Just got to have that conversation- won’t be near as hard as escaping 28yr marriage!

really appreciate your responses and your honesty. Thanks

Pack up his stuff and leave it on the doorstep, he works so he can afford a hotel room until he finds something, or can he go back to his,

The fact that the DC are minimising it today as a coping mechanism shows just how bad their historic trauma really is

Hopefully ‘before long’ means within a few minutes after you tell him to get his stuff and leave - no ifs no buts no ‘before longs’ or maybes

Hi, It was nice for the first few months.
i did reprimand DD for language and today she feels really bad about it. However I would have expected a mature (in years) adult to not have added fuel to the fire, especially as he is aware of the history with her father.
DD did back down when I asked them both to but he carried on like a steam roller!

Sounds like they were both guilty, and both adults. He should have stopped when you asked him to though. As your DC want to put it behind them, I would, but make it clear to your partner that it can’t happen again

Just a thought, but do you think it's possible you find an outburst of temper worse than it is?

Obviously you've had terrible experiences that have led to that, but in my (perfectly functioning) family we'll have a shouting match, get it all out of our system and then it's all over. Much more healthy IMO than quietly simmering and no one knows what's wrong.

Did you ever get the full story of how it started? Who took the chocolate? There's nothing worse than being accused of doing something you haven't done. I'd want to know who was in the wrong there.

He resents OP though for doing things for her kids, like giving them lifts. It's not a sustainable relationship. The reason the kids wants to put it behind them surely also has something to do with having been brought up in an abusive household. OP and her kids have been trained to take way too much shit and to then forgive and forget.

He moves out. Today. What's the question?

How long has he lived with you? You say he has bubbling resentment but he moved in earlier this year and it's only just July. Doesn't sound like bubbling resentment more like an almost instant dislike of you being a parent and your children living in the same house

@Profpudding thats your opinion - for me someone I’ve been in a relationship with for years is family. You’re welcome to disagree as families are not monoliths anyways.

"he can’t always hide what I think is a bubbling resentment - e.g. if I collect my daughter from friends, lending my son my car for months because he needed it for work and I don’t."
So basically resenting you doing anything for your children. Or - doing anything for anybody that is not him? Resentment is poisonous and unreasonable, and I wouldn't want it around me.

That's a dealbreaker for me.

After 4 years of dating, my boyfriend has just moved in with me and adult son (19). I would ask him to move back out again if I detected bubbling resentment and he would be out for sure, immediately, if he called my child a little shit. And he knows it.

A one- off, heat-off-the-moment retort I could perhaps let go, although he should have had the sense to back down and realised he swore in error .

However, to resent and criticise your parenting, parents picking up kids from friends, pretty common Also, it’s up to you if you decide to let your son use your car. Was he hoping to use it?

Even if he was perfect it was unwise to move him in, given your and DCs’ history regarding your household during your marriage, DD’s still young age and additional needs.

& his behaviour that suggests he resents your parenting responsibilities and that he can’t or won’t behave calmly and reasonably means it is unwise for him to remain in the household.

I think you telling him to move out is for the best, the bubbling resentment you can see him trying to reign in and that he wouldn’t back down when you intervened between him and DD, sounds very menacing. I do think in another six months, you all will be walking on eggshells around him because he hasn’t fully shown you his temper… yet.

He has to go. There's no point limping on until the next episode, it will just build resentment.

The 23 year old child called him it first though?