I hate being a mum

[PlatinumOrchid]

I was a single mum with little support from ex. He chose to take a job overseas when we separated and live his own life, doing his own thing.

I, in the meantime, sacrificed my career, finance and social life. I have two adult kids and one older teen. I have had conflicts with all of them. Despite me being the only parent who has supported them, I get disrespected. I get spoken to like I'm a piece of garbage and when I try to address issues, I get made to feel like I'm chasing my own tail in an endless battle of defence and excuses. They make excuses for disrespectful behaviour and I'm at the end of my tether.

I recently returned to study to get the degree I had to sacrifice when I became a mum. To chase a dream job that I may not get now that I'm older. I feel like I've sacrificed my whole life, for what? to get additional stress? to say I've had kids? What exactly is the pay off? I lost valuable years I could have spent on myself but didn't because I thought putting the kids first was the right thing to do. I just don't understand why we run ourselves into the ground with stress to raise ungrateful kids who couldn't care less if we are okay or not.

I was asked by my adult daughter, what was a good age to think about kids and I told her don't. I said just do your own thing, it's easier. If I could go back, I would never have kids. I never wanted them. I was raised in a family where finding a partner and becoming a stay-at-home mum was the norm. I did that and felt so unfulfilled. I always had ambition though. Not saying you can't be an ambitious parent, you can. In my case though, looking after 3 kids with little external support was just too time consuming to do anything else.

For most of my youngest sons life I worked in a casual role which allowed for the time off I needed to do school pick ups/drop offs/sick days/school holidays etc but there was no career progression. I was kept financially disadvantaged. When I would talk to people about how empty I felt, they'd reply with "you've raised kids, that's the hardest job there is". Like it's some sort of flex. My point is I don't see the value in being a parent. They take from us until there's nothing left, then wipe their feet on us and complain. Anyone else feel like this?

Really feel for you, but it is not too late. Gather yourself and live your life for yourself now. Your children will better understand you as they age and have children themselves. Your may grow closer to your children as they mature x

I mean you chose to have kids, I don’t think it’s a child’s job to be grateful for you whatever sacrifices you made because you decided to have kids, or 3 kids specifically.

If you always had “ambition” then you could have worked or studied around kids. Plenty of people chose to do it. You had options, you made choices.
Your relationship with your children is most likely influenced by the resentment you have for them.

You can't change the past, so your only course of action is to take every opportunity now. Your degree, your dream job, are your focus now. Enjoy that freedom.

Two of your dcs are adult. Your third is an older teen so you should be able to follow your dream while giving him the support he needs to get to adulthood.

And I'd put a little aside for treats every week, a new book or some other little indulgence, to revel in. 😊 Just for you

A heads up, @op

if your daughter is starting to make noises about having kids, make sure she’s not expecting you to do loads of free childcare.

What a strange assumption.

Do your kids all still live at home, OP? Mine (brought them all up singlehanded too...) we proper foul little buggers until they left for Uni/work living elsewhere. Having to support themselves, keep a house, cooking and cleaning and generally being independent adults reshaped their thinking and now they are all VERY appreciative of how I brought them up.

I sort of get it OP, I sacrificed career to support my kids when they were younger, took a low paid job in a school so I could be there for school holidays, after school etc ( rural location, no such thing as breakfast clubs! Childminders 20 miles away and all that)
Deadbeat ex was a useless waste of space when we were married let alone after we divorced.
However as the old saying goes They never asked to be born I made the decision to have kids!
Theres nothing wrong with wanting a bit of respect from your children though…

The disrespectful behaviour stood out for me. There's no excuse for that. I have adult dcs and they don't speak to me like crap.
What on earth gives them the right to do that?

I parented like you op .
I did my best for my children,and sacrificed a lot of what made me happy to put them first ...mainly because I hadn't had that as a child myself,so didn't want my kids growing up , feeling like I did .
But that means I had an unhappy childhood and I was unhappy as a mum .
My kids are balanced,and independent and now I'm getting a bit of time to myself I've no idea what I like anymore,or who I am.
Where as my sil,has always done exactly what suits her , moving her kids to a different country different school different area ,doing what is best for her as the adult.her kids are no less happier than mine .
I wish I'd not tried so hard ,I wish I'd realised I was important too

I hear you op. I'm in the trenches now with young kids. Its a hard slog. I love them but it's really hard giving up so much. I sometimes think i regret having them but actually what i really wish was for more support to be able to enjoy them and also maintain my own life. For it all not to be so hard. It's easy for people to say I raised kids and still did xyz not understanding the real barriers some of us face through no fault of our own.

The guilt is heavy. I think being able to talk to someone about all this would be beneficial for you op. Not even to problem solve or change anything but to just hear and be a witness to what you've been through over the years. What you have lost.

I think now is your time to enjoy your life as much as possible. It may take some to figure out what that looks like for you. I'd be open and honest with your children not blaming them but the circumstances in which you had to parent. It's ok if they don't understand.

I'd definitely have the conversations about childcare if any of them are planning children. You may well feel differently given a good 5 years of you time but equally I think you have a right to enjoy your time and freedom now and they should respect that.

Could have wrote this myself OP!

I know exactly how you feel and feel the exact same. If I could go back in time I wouldn’t of had my children don’t help the fact that I’ve been left to do it all on my own and have struggled, I have 4 kids and also had ambition but due to my eldest having additional needs I’ve had to put things on hold. I feel like I’m a robot, do the same shit day in day out just a fucking slave cleaning up after everyone and putting everyone else first. I just come back from turkey cost me a fortune wanted us to have a family holiday it was fucking HELL! I will never take them abroad again, My kids are the same disrespectful, unappreciative and speak to me like shit. I also wonder why I bother and sometimes can’t be bothered. I come back from my holiday more stressed than I would have been than staying at home but £4k down! I too have had enough of being a mum. It’s exhausting, draining and hard work especially when you do it alone!

Did you read the @op ’s. original post?

The same happened in my family. My mum did this, then I did it too.

My mum used to go in on my aunt for “only caring about her marriage” because my uncles were always off on date nights and weekends away and were very strict with what they gave my cousins. Well, they’re still very happy and married and my cousins are also happy and settled adults. It worked.

I looked at relationships very differently now. Yes, parent, but not at the expense of our entire existence.

Motherhood is a total con for most women. It’s not worth the relentless slog and financial ruin.

Given the choice, many women now are saying no thanks. Wise move.

I feel similarly OP (maybe not as strongly). However I’ve always known I didn’t enjoy parenthood so I’ve only had one. I love children but I’m happy doting at my boyfriend’s many nephews and nieces.

I was okay with sacrificing for DD but what I didn’t expect was that none of the usual trajectory (finish college, moving out for uni) happened with her. So the 2-3 years of rest I thought I was going to have before she moved back in to save for a deposit never happened, she just stayed home with no sign of wanting to move… anywhere. I’m 100% drained, I have nothing left to give. I had some counselling last year and I was told I’m basically burnt out and I need to focus on self care (not easy when all your money goes to day to day life).

My advice since yours are grown: be selfish. Support them but take no shit. DD has recently announced that it my bf moves in next year (by then we’ll have been together 3+ years, hardly rushing) she’ll move out. I’m sure she expected me to back down, but this time (for the first time ever) I said “I understand, you need to do what makes you feel comfortable” because I’m not about to be emotionally blackmailed by a 21 year old. I spent all weekend crying of course, but I’m sticking to it.

My plan once she finishes uni is go back to uni myself too. We can do it!

I find a lot of your posts quite mean, do you just sit and troll all day? Have some sympathy for someone clearly stressed out? She’s just venting.

Honey, what a horrible post in the sense that you’re feeling somewhat a bit depressed by this. Can I actually suggest some family therapy. Don’t let the years that got you down make you regret. They still have their lives ahead of them, they will hopefully give you grandchildren, they will give you lasting memories. Honestly, if there is one that is reasonable, I would get talking to one of them about it. Maybe play the victim and show your weakness, keep it mellow, no arguments. Chin up, it is a flex, you gave them what they have now, don’t let it die. When they have their own families, they will reflect and miss the mother they had trust me.

I think to a certain extent it’s normal for teen/adult children to go through a period of questioning our parenting, confident that they could do better. I wouldn’t have dared be directly disrespectful to my dps (different times) but I certainly had opinions! I only really appreciated them as I parented myself and then only in stages. I’m currently appreciating them for putting up with teenage me with as much grace as they managed.

I have some mixed feelings about my parenting too - I love my family deeply but I feel like I have lost myself, and let opportunities and dreams slide away. I’m the type of person who would give you the food I’m about to eat, but as they say, if you’re a giver you need strong boundaries because takers have none. My boundaries are porous at best and I think I’m raising very selfish people because of that.

My cousin on the other hand always puts herself first - and honestly I suspect her dc are the better for it. I suppose the trick is to find a middle ground.

Well done for going back to study - that’s a wonderful thing to do. But try and enjoy the journey, and not just look over your shoulder. What’s done is done. You don’t want to miss the current opportunities pining for other ones.

Ive certainly felt like this at times, and it’s the adult state I’m finding the hardest. I often feel like we are a resource, it’s all take. I didn’t expect gratitude but I also didn’t expect adult kids to be so grabby, so entitled(I hate that word but it fits). We’re had to reset expectations, demand to be spoken to with a respectful tone, insist that they treat the house with respect, remind them that house they live in is an optional and if they don’t like our rules our way there’s always renting. I might sound tyrannical to some but it’s basic stuff like cleaning up, cooking dinner - I am not an unpaid domestic worker.

The move back from Uni was a big one, I had wanted them to move out, I think it’s healthier for young adults to live with their friends, but it didn’t work out that way they had to transition back to family life and we all had to move to a more adult based relationship. It’s not been plain sailing, I think things are improving but I honestly was not expecting teenage style attitudes to persist into their early twenties, I stupidly thought we were over the parent of behaviours.

I agree the boundaries are your best friend. I wanted everything to be happy families - we bent over hackwatds to accommodate our adult kids - they don’t respect it. You need to draw the line where it suits you and stick to it.

Not really, given the relationship between them.

You don't need to put up with this. Now my kids are adults, I put myself first. I don't cook for them unless I want to, they do their own cleaning, and I absolutely do not let them be rude to me.

This is why I’m glad I went back to work at four and five months. DC are now 22 and 20, academic and successful and we all bonded just fine. My pension looks great, my mental health was kept intact and am hoping to retire at 55 next year.
As captain of the ship my needs have always equalled theirs.

I was an SAHM when DC were small, but they don't treat me like this!
One is very taciturn, but not rude or disrespectful.

I was asked by my adult daughter, what was a good age to think about kids and I told her don't. I said just do your own thing, it's easier. If I could go back, I would never have kids. I never wanted them.

Do you think the fact that you, your children's only real parent, tell your kids pretty directly that you resent and regret them might have some impact on the way they treat you?